A VISIT TO THE ASYLUM FOR AGED AND DECAYED PUNSTERS. "I haven't looked at the cattle," he answered dryly. "Cattle? Why cattle?" "Why, to see if there's any corn under 'em!" he said; and immediately asked, "Why is Douglas like the earth?" We tried, but couldn't guess. "Because he was flattened out at the polls!" said Mr. Riggles. "A famous politician, formerly," said "His grandfather the Superintendent. was a seize Hessian-ist in the Revolutionary War. By the way, I hear the freezeoil doctrines don't go down at New Bedford." "The next Inmate looked as if he might have been a sailor formerly. "Ask him what his calling was," said the Superintendent. "Followed the sea," he replied to the "Went as question put by one of us. mate in a fishing schooner." Why did you give it up?" "Because I didn't like working for two mast-ers," he replied. Presently we came upon a group of elderly persons, gathered about a venerable gentleman with flowing locks, who was propounding questions to a row of Inmates. "Can any Inmate give me a motto for M. Berger?" he said. Nobody responded for two or three minutes. At last one old man, whom I at once recognized as a Graduate of our University (Anno 1800), held up his hand. "Rem a cue tetigit." "Go to the head of the Class, Josselyn," said the venerable Patriarch. The successful Inmate did as he was told, but in a very rough way, pushing against two or three of the Class. "How is this?" said the Patriarch. "You told me to go up jostlin'," he replied. The old gentlemen who had been shoved about enjoyed the Pun too much to be angry. Presently the Patriarch asked again,"Why was M. Berger authorized to go to the dances given to the Prince?" The Class had to give up this, and he answered it himself: "Because every one of his carroms was a tick-it to the ball." "Who collects the money to defray the expenses of the last campaign in Italy?" asked the Patriarch. Here again the Class failed. 89 "The war-cloud's rolling Dun," he an- "And what is mulled wine made with?" Here a servant entered, and said, "Lun- "There is one thing I have forgotten to show you," said the Superintendent,"the cell for the confinement of violent and unmanageable Punsters." We were very curious to see it, particularly with reference to the alleged absence of every object upon which a play of words could possibly be made. The Superintendent led us up some dark stairs to a corridor, then along a narrow passage, then down a broad flight of steps into another passage-way, and opened a large door which looked out on the main entrance. "We have not seen the cell for the confinement of violent and unmanageable' Punsters," we both exclaimed. "This is the sell!" he exclaimed, pointing to the outside prospect. My friend, the Director, looked me in the face so good-naturedly that I had to laugh. "We like to humor the Inmates," he "It has a bad effect, we find, on said. their health and spirits to disappoint them of their little pleasantries. Some of the jests to which we have listened are not new to me, though I dare say you may not have heard them often before. The same thing happens in general society, with this additional disadvantage, that there is no punishment provided for 'violent and unmanageable' Punsters, as in our institution." We made our bow to the Superintendent and walked to the place where our On our way, carriage was waiting for us. an exceedingly decrepit old man moved slowly towards us, with a perfectly blank look on his face, but still appearing as if he wished to speak. "Look!" said the Director,-" that is our Centenarian." The ancient man crawled towards us, cocked one eye, with which he seemed to see a little, up at us, and said, Why is | For her Tom threw the gauntlet down, And she gave him the mitten. "Sarvant, young Gentlemen. a-a-a-like a-a-a-? Give it up? Because it's a—a —a—a—.” He smiled a pleasant smile, as if it were all plain enough. "One hundred and seven last Christmas," said the Director. "He lost his answers about the age of ninety-eight. Of late years he puts his whole Conundrums in blank,-but they please him just as well." We took our departure, much gratified and instructed by our visit, hoping to have some future opportunity of inspecting the records of this excellent charity and making extracts for the benefit of our readers. OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. Then Tom was mad! He kicked a lad! To be a man he vowed to try; The Indian saw the Yankee small; TOM TURNER. AN EPIC BALLAD. A fisherman was Tom by trade; On fish he lived from day to dayFish caught by his own hand; And when he did not land his prey, He did not praise the land. When he had seen a shoal of shad, Their struggles were in vain; He led a happy life: content, Tom loved a girl, so tall and slim, But Sal would not take up with him, By passion's power now racked and worn, Led on by Love's suggestion. SIR ISAAC NEWTON'S COURT. SIR Isaac, we are told, was once persuaded by his friends to entertain some thoughts of marriage, and a suitable young lady was selected by them. Though considerably engaged with celestial bodies at the time, he liked the terrestrial luminary very well, but, in the honest way of courtship, he informed the girl that he had many odd habits. Complaisant and good-natured, as most young ladies are under the circumstances, the fair one promised to be indulgent; and so pleased was Sir Isaac with her kindheartedness, that he resorted to his favourite pipe immediately. Enjoying it whiff after whiff, he entered into conversation with his sweet partner, held her hand in his, squeezing it occasionally as a lover ought. At length he sank into one of his abstracted reveries, and whether he was thinking of the apple and its fall, of squaring the circle, or of what else, never has been determined, but his pipe becom ing dull, he, in the absence of his mind, unwittingly raised the yielding damsel's hand towards it and used her little finger as a tobacco-stopper. Her screams aroused him, and looking innocently in her face, the philosopher exclaimed, "Ah, my dear madam, I beg your pardon! I see it won't do! I see, I see that I am doomed to remain a bachelor." |