SCENE I.-An Inn in Madrid. ACT. I. Enter TRAPPANTI, alone, talking to himself. INDEED, my friend Trappanti, thou'rt in a very thin condition; thou hast neither master, meat, nor money not but, couldst thou part with that unappeaseable itch of eating, too, thou hast all the ragged virtues that were requisite to set up an ancient philosopher: contempt and poverty, kicks, thumps, and thinking, thou hast endured with the best of them; but-when fortune turns thee up to hard fasting, that is to say, positively not eating at all, I perceive thou art a downright dunce, with the same stomach, and no more philosophy, than a hound upon horse-flesh-Fasting's the devil!-Let me see-this, I take it, is the most frequented inn about Madrid, and if a keen guest or two should drop in now- -Hark! Host. [Within.] Take care of the gentlemen's horses there; see them well rubbed and littered. Trap. Just alighted! if they do but stay to eat now! Impudence assist me. Ha! a couple of pretty young sparks, faith! VOL. II. Enter HYPOLITA and FLORA in men's habits, a Servant with a portmanteau. Trap. Welcome to Madrid, sir; welcome, sir! Flo. Sir, your servant! Ser. Have the horses pleased your honour? Hyp. Very well indeed, friend. Prithee, set down the portmanteau, and see that the poor creatures want nothing: they have performed well, and deserve our care. Trap. I'll take care of that, sir. Here, ostler! [Exeunt TRAP. and Servant. Flo. And pray, madam, what do I deserve, that have lost the use of my limbs to keep pace with you? 'Sheart! you whipped and spurred like a foxhunter: its a sign you had a lover in view : I'm sure my shoulders ache as if I had carried my horse on them. Hyp. Poor Flora! thou art fatigued indeed! but I shall find a way to thank thee for't. Flo. Thank me, quotha! Egad, I shan't be able to sit this fortnight. Well, I'm glad our journey's at an end, however; and now, madam, 3 A pray, what do you propose will be the end of our journey? Hyp. Why, now, I hope the end of my wishes -Don Philip, I need not tell you how far he is my heart. in Flo. No, your sweet usage of him told me that long enough ago; but now, it seems, you think fit to confess it: and what is it you love him for, pray? Hyp. His manner of bearing that usage. Flo. Ah, dear pride! how we love to have it tickled! But he does not bear it, you see, for he's coming post to Madrid to marry another woman; nay, one he never saw. Hyp. An unknown face cannot have engaged him. all? very far ་ Flo. [Reads.] Your usage has made me justly despair of you, and now, any change must 'better my condition; at least, it has reduced me to the necessity of trying the last remedy, marriage with another; if it prove ineffectual, I only wish you may, at some hours, remember how little cause I have given you to have made me for ever miserable. PHILIP. Flo. How came he to be engaged to her at Poor gentleman! very hard, by my conscience! Indeed, madam, this was carrying the jest a little too far. Hyp. Why, I engaged him, Fo. To another! Hop. To my whole sex, rather than own I loved him, Flo. Ah, done like a woman of courage! Hyp. I could not bear the thought of parting with my power; besides, he took me at such an advantage, and pressed me so home to a surrender, I could have torn him piece-meal. Fio. Ay, I warrant you, an insolent-agreeable puppy. Well, but to leave impertinence, madam. pray how came you to squabble with him? Hyp. I'll tell thee, Flora: you know Don Philip wants no charms that can recommend a lover; in birth and quality, I confess him my superior; and it is the thought of that has been a constant thorn upon my wishes. I never saw him in the humblest posture, but still I fancied he secretly presumed his rank and fortune might deserve me. This always stung my pride, and made me overact it: nay, sometimes, when his sufferings have almost drawn tears into my eyes, I have turned the subject with some trivial talk, or bummed a spiteful tune, though I believe his heart was breaking. Flo. A very tender principle, truly! Hyp. Well, I don't know, it was in my nature. But to proceed-this, and worse usage, continued a long time; at last, despairing of my heart, he then resolved to do a violence on his own, by consenting to his father's commands of marrying a lady of considerable fortune here in Madrid. The match is concluded, articles are sealed, and the day is fixed for his journey. Now, the night before he set out, he came to take his leave of me, in hopes, I suppose, I would have staid him. I need not tell you my confusion at the news; and though I could have given my soul to have deferred it, yet, finding him, unless I bade him stay, resolved upon the marriage, I (from the pure spirit of contradiction) swore to myself I would not bid him do it; so called for my veil, and told him I wa- in haste, begged his pardon, your servant, and so whipped to prayers. Hyp. Ah, by many a long mile, Flora; but what would you have a woman do, when her hand's in? Flo. Nay, the truth of it is, we never know the difference between enough and a surfeit; but, love be praised, your proud stomach's come down for it. Hyp. Indeed, it is not altogether so high as it was. In a word, his last letter set me at my wit's end; and when I came to myself, you may remember you thought me bewitched; for I immediately called for my boots and breeches, a straddle we got, and so rode after him. Flo. Why, truly, madam, as to your wits, I have not much altered my opinion for them, for I cannot see what you propose by it. Hyp. My whole design, Flora, lies in this portmanteau, and these breeches. Flo, Á notable design, no doubt! but, pray, let's hear it. Hyp. Why, I do propose to be twice married between them. Flo. How! twice? Hyp. By the help of the portmanteau, I intend to marry myself to Don Philip's new mistress; and then-I'll put off my breeches, and marry him. Flo. Now, I begin to take ye: but, pray, what's in the portinanteau, and how came you by it? Hyp. I hired one to steal it from his servant at the last inn we lay at in Toledo. In it are jewels of value, presents to my bride, gold good store, settlements, and credential letters, to certify, that the bearer (which I intend to be myself) is Don Philip, only son and heir of Don Fernando de las Torres, now residing at Seville, whence we came. Flo. A very smart undertaking, by my troth! And, pray, madam, what part am I to act? Hyp. My woman still; when I cannot lie for myself, you are to do it for me, in the person of a cousin-germian, Flo. And my name is to beHyp. Don Guzman, Diego, Mendez, or what you please be your own goodfather. Flo. 'Egad, I begin to like it mightily! this may prove a very pleasant adventure, if we can but come off without fighting, which, by the way, I don't easily perceive we shall; for, to be sure, Don Philip will make the devil to do with us when he finds himself here before he come a ther. sir; why, they'll let you starve if you don't stir and call, and that like thunder, too -Hey! sir? [Knocks. Hyp. Ha! you eat here sometimes, I presume, Trap. Umph! Aye, sir, that's as it happens→ I seldom eat at home, indeed-things are genenerally, you know, so out of order there, that— Did you hear any fresh news upon the road, sir? Hyp. Only, sir, that the king of France lost a Hyp. Oh, let me alone to give him satisfac-great horse-match upon the Alps t'other day. tion. Flo. I'm afraid it must be alone, if you do give him satisfaction; for my part, I can push no more than I can swim. Hyp. But can you bully upon occasion? be scolding in petticoats. Trap. Ha! a very odd place for a horse-race but the king of France may do any thing-did you come that way, gentlemen? or-Hey! Enter HOST. Host. Did you call, gentlemen? [Knocks. Trap. Yes, and bawl, too, sir. Here, the gen near them. What have you in the house, now, that will be ready presently? Flo. Say ye so? Why, then, Don, look to your-tlemen are almost famished, and nobody comes self; if I don't give you as good as you bring, I'll be content to wear breeches as long as I live, though I lose the end of my sex by it. Well, madam, now you have opened the plot, pray, when is the play to begin? Hyp. I hope to have it all over in less than four hours: we'll just refresh ourselves with what the house affords, comb out our wigs, and wait upon my father-in-law-How now! what would this fellow have?———— Enter TRAPPANTI. Trap. Servant, gentlemen; I have taken nice care of your nags; good cattle they are, by my troth! right and sound, I warrant them; they deserve care, and they have had it, and shall have it, if they stay in this house. I always stand by, sir; see them rubbed down with my own eyes Catch me trusting an ostler—I'll give you leave to fill for me, and drink for me, too. Flo. I have seen this fellow somewhere. Trap. Hey-day! what, no cloth laid? was ever such attendance! Hey, house! tapster! landlord! hey! [Knocks.] What was it you bespoke, gentlemen ? Hyp. Really, sir, I ask your pardon; I have almost forgot you. Trap. Pshaw! dear sir, never talk of it; I live here hard by-I have a lodging-I cannot call it a lodging, neither-that is, I have aSometimes I am here, and sometimes I am there; and so, here and there, one makes shift, you know. Hey! will these people never come? [Knocks. Hyp. You give a very good account of yourself, sir. Trap. Oh, nothing at all, sir. Lord, sir-was it fish or flesh, sir? Flo. Really, sir, we have bespoke nothing yet. Trap. Nothing! for shame! it's a sign you are young travellers. You don't know this house, Host. You may have what you please, sir. a very good neck of mutton, sir; if you please, it Hyp. Have you no pigeons or chickens? Host. Truly, sir, we have no fowl in the house at present; if you please, you may have any thing else in a moment. Hyp. Then, prithee, get us some young rab bits." Host. Fish, sir! I drest yesterday the finest dish that ever came upon a table; I am sorry we have none left, sir; but if you please, you may have any thing else in a moment. Trap. Pox on thee! hast thou nothing but any thing else in the house? Host. Very good mutton, sir. Host. Breast! don't you love the neck, sir? neck? Host. Really, sir, we don't use to be so unprovided; but at present we have nothing else left. Trap. Faith, sir, I don't know but a nothing else may be very good meat, when any thing else is not to be had. Hyp. Then, prithee, friend, let's have thy neck of mutton before that is gone, too. Trap. Sir, he shall lay it down this minute; I'll see it done, gentlemen; I'll wait upon ye presently; for a minute I must beg your pardon, and leave to lay the cloth myself. Hyp. By no means, sir. it. Trap. No ceremony, dear sir! Indeed I'll do [Exeunt HOST and TRAPPANTI. Hyp. Is this he, that Philip turned away for saying I was as proud as a beauty, and homely enough to be good humoured? Flo. The very samé I assure ye; only, as you see, starving has altered his air a little. Hyp. Poor fellow! I am concerned for him. What makes him so far from Seville? Flo. I am afraid all places are alike to him. Hyp. I have a great mind to take him into my service; his assurance may be useful, as my case stands. Flo. You would not tell him who you are? Hyp. There's no occasion for it I'll talk with him. Enter TRAPPANTI. Trap. Your dinner's upon the spit, gentlemen, and the cloth is laid in the best room-Are you not for a whet, sir? What wine? what wine? hey! Flo. We give you trouble, sir. Enter HOST. Come, fill out-hold-let me taste it first-Ye blockhead, would ye have the gentleman drink before he knows whether it be good or not? [Drinks.] Yes, 'twill do-Give me the bottle, I'll fill myself. Now, sir, is not that a glass of right wine? Hyp. Extremely good, indeed———But, sir, as to my question. Trap. I'm afraid, sir, that mutton won't be enough for us all. Hyp. Oh, pray sir, bespeak what you please. Trap. Sir, your most humble servant- Here, master! prithee, get us a-ha! ay, get us a dozen of poached eggs-a dozen, dy'e hear-just -pop down a little. Host. Yes, sir. [Going. to Trap. Friend--let there be a little slice of bacon to every one of them. Hyp. But, sir Trap. 'Odso! I had like to have forgot▬▬ here a-Sancho, Sancho! Ay, is not your name Sancho? Host. Diego, sir. Trap. Oh, ay, Diego; that's true, indeed, Diego. Umph! Hyp. I must e'en let him alone; there's no putting in a word till his mouth's full. Trap. Come, here's to thee, Diego-[Drinks Trap. Not in the least, sir-Hey! [Knocks. and fills again.] That I should forget thy naine, though. Hyp. And our dinner as soon as you please, sir : when it's ready, call us. Host. Yes, sir. [Exit HOST. Hyp. But, sir, I was asking you of your profession. Trap. Profession! really, sir, I don't use to profess much I am a plain-dealing sort of a man: if I say I'll serve a gentleman, he may depend upon me. Flo. Have you ever served, sir? Trup. Some words with my superior officer; I was a little too free in speaking my mind to him. Hyp. Don't you think of serving again, sir? Trap. If a good post fall in my way. Hyp. I believe I could help you-Pray, sir, when you served last, did you take pay or wages? | Trap. Pay, sir!--Yes, sir, I was paid, cleared, subsistence and arrears, to a farthing. Hyp. And your late commander's name wasTrap. Don Philip de las Torres. Hyp. Of Seville? Trap. Of Seville. Hyp. Sir, your most humble servant. You need not be curious, for I am sure you don't know me, though I do you, and your condition, which, I dare promise you, I'll mend upon our better acquaintance: and your first step to deserve it, is to answer me honestly to a few questions. Keep your assurance still; it may do me service; I shall like you better for it. Come, here's to [Gives him money. Trap. Sir, my humble service to you. Hyp. Well said. encourage you. Flo. Nay, I'll pass my word he sha'n't dwindle into modesty. Trap. I never heard a gentleman talk better in my life. I have seen such sort of a face before; but where I don't know, nor I don't care. It's your glass, sir. Hyp. Grammercy! here, cousin. [Drinks to Flora.] Come now, what made Don Philip turn you out of his service? why did you leave him? Trap. 'Twas time, I think; his wits had left him--the man was mad. Hyp. Mad! -in love. Trap. Ay, stark mad- Trap. Very deep-up to the ears-over head -drowned by this time-he would in--I would have had him stopped when he was up to the middle. Hyp. What was she he was in love with? Hyp. So, now for a very ugly likeness of my own face. [Aside.] What sort of a devil? Trap. The damning sort--a woman. Hyp. Had she no name? Trap. Her Christian name was Donna Hypolita, but her proper name was Shittlecock. Flo. How dy'e like that? [Aside to HYP. Hyp. Pretty well. [Aside to FLo.] Was she handsome? Trap. Umph -So, so. Flo. How dy'e like that? [To HYP. Hyp. Umph-so, so. [To FLO.] Had she wit P |