Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia?
Because of the sand which is there.

How came the sandwiches there?

The tribe of Ham was bred there, and mustered.

A clergyman who had united in marriage a couple whose Christian names were Benjamin and Annie, on being asked by a mutual friend how they appeared during the ceremony, replied that they appeared both annie-mated and bene-fitted.

Mr. Manners, who had but lately been created Earl of Rutland, said to Sir Thomas More,—

"You are so much elated with your preferment that you verify the old proverb,—

Honores mutant MORES. "

"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas:

better in English :—

"the pun will do much

Honors change MANNERS."

An old writer said that when cannons were introduced as negotiators, the canons of the church were useless; that the world was governed first by mitrum, and then by nitrum,—first by St. Peter, and then by saltpetre.

Colman, the dramatist, on being asked whether he knew Theodore Hook, replied, "Oh, yes: Hook and Eye are old associates."

Punch says, "the milk of human kindness is not to be found in the pail of society." If so, we think it is time for all hands to "kick the bucket."

Judge Peters, formerly of the Philadelphia Bench, observed to a friend, during a trial that was going on, that one of the witnesses had a vegetable head. "How so?" was the inquiry. "He has carroty hair, reddish cheeks, a turnup nose, and a sage look."

Tom Hood, seeing over the shop-door of a beer-vendor,Bear Sold Here,

said it was spelled right, because it was his own Bruin.

Charles Mathews, the comedian, was served by a green-grocer, named Berry, and generally settled his bill once a quarter. At one time the account was sent in before it was due, and Mathews, laboring under an idea that his credit was doubted, said, "Here's a pretty mull, Berry. You have sent in your bill, Berry, before it is due, Berry. Your father, the elder Berry, would not have been such a goose, Berry; but you need not look so black, Berry, for I don't care a straw, Berry, and sha'n't pay you till Christmas, Berry."

Sheridan, being dunned by a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, answered that it was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to pay the interest.

In the "Old India House" may still be seen a quarto volume of Interest Tables, on the fly-leaf of which is written, in Charles Lamb's round, clerkly hand,

"A book of much interest."-Edinburgh Review.

"A work in which the interest never flags.”—Quarterly Review.

"We may say of this volume, that the interest increases from the beginning to the end."-Monthly Review.

Turner, the painter, was at a dinner where several artists, amateurs, and literary men were convened. A poet, by way of being facetious, proposed as a toast, "The Painters and Glaziers of England." The toast was drunk; and Turner, after returning thanks for it, proposed "Success to the PaperStainers," and called on the poet to respond.

SHORT ROAD TO WEALTH.

I'll tell you a plan for gaining wealth,

Better than banking, trade, or leases;

Take a bank-note and fold it across,

And then you will find your money IN-CREASES!

This wonderful plan, without danger or loss,

Keeps your cash in your hands, and with nothing to trouble it;

And every time that you fold it across,

'Tis plain as the light of the day that you DOUBLE IT!

"I cannot move," the plaintive invalid cries,
"Nor sit, nor stand."-If he says true, he lies.

TOM MOORE.

When Limerick, in idle whim,

Moore as her member lately courted,
The boys,' for form's sake, asked of him
To state what party he supported.

When thus his answer promptly ran,

(Now give the wit his meed of glory :) "I'm of no party as a man,

But as a poet am-a-tory."

TOP AND BOTTOM.

The following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table, between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven street, Strand, where the latter resided :—

J. S.-At the top of my street the attorneys abound,

And down at the bottom the barges are found:

Fly, honesty, fly to some safer retreat,

For there's craft in the river, and craft in the street.

Sir G. R.-Why should honesty fly to some safer retreat,
From attorneys, and barges, od-rot'em?

For the lawyers are just at the top of the street,
And the barges are just at the bottom.

OLD JOKE VERSIFIED.

Says Tom to Bill, pray tell me, sir,
Why is it that the devil,

In spite of all his naughty ways,
Can never be uncivil?

Says Bill to Tom, the answer's plain

To any mind that's bright:
Because the imp of darkness, sir,
Can ne'er be imp o' light.

A PRINTER'S EPITAPH.

Here lies a form-place no imposing stone
To mark the head, where weary it is lain;
'Tis matter dead!-its mission being done,
To be distributed to dust again.

The body's but the type, at best, of man,

Whose impress is the spirit's deathless page;
Worn out, the type is thrown to pi again,
The impression lives through an eternal age.

STICKY.

I want to seal a letter, Dick,
Some wax pray give to me.-
I have not got a single stick,
Or whacks I'd give to thee.

WOMEN.

When Eve brought woe to all mankind,
Old Adam called her wo-man ;
But when she woo'd with love so kind,
He then pronounced her woo-man.

But now with folly and with pride,
Their husbands' pockets trimming,

The ladies are so full of whims,

The people call them whim-men.

BEN, THE SAILOR.

His death, which happened in his berth,

At forty odd befell:

They went and told the sexton, and

The sexton tolled the bell.-Hood's Faithless Sally Brown.

WHISKERS VERSUS RAZOR.

With whiskers thick upon my face

I went my fair to see;

She told me she could never love
A bear-faced chap like me.

I shaved then clean, and called again,
And thought my troubles o'er;
She laughed outright, and said I was
More bare-faced than before!

COMPLIMENT OF SHERIDAN TO MISS PAYNE. 'Tis true I am ill; but I cannot complain,

For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne.

FROM DR. HOLMES' "MODEST REQUEST."

Thus great Achilles, who had shown his zeal
In HEALING WOUNDS, died of a WOUNDED HEEL;
Unhappy chief, who, when in childhood doused,
Had saved his BACON had his feet been SOUSED!
Accursed heel, that killed a hero stout!
Oh, had your mother known that you were out,