Sir Mart. I'll make him give up the ghost under my fist, if he does not deny it.

Sir John. I'll cut off his ears upon the spot, if he does not stand to't.

Enter WARNER.

Sir Mart. Here he comes, in pudding-time, to resolve the question:-Come hither, you lying varlet, up your your hand at the bar of justice, and answer me to what I shall demand.

hold

Warn. What-a-goodjer is the matter, sir?

Sir Mart. Thou spawn of the old serpent, fruitful in nothing but in lies!

Warn. A very fair beginning this.

Sir Mart. Didst thou dare to cast thy venom up on such a saint as Mrs Millisent, to traduce her virtue, and say it was adulterate?

Warn. Not guilty, my lord.

Sir Mart. I told you so.

Sir John. How, Mr Rascal! have you forgot what you said but now concerning Sir Martin and Mrs Millisent? I'll stop the lie down your throat, if you dare deny it.

Sir Mart. Say you so! are you there again, i'faith? Warn. Pray pacify yourself, sir; 'twas a plot of my own devising. Aside.

Sir Mart. Leave off your winking and your pinking, with a hose-pox t'ye. I'll understand none of it; tell me in plain English the truth of the business; for an you were my own brother, you should pay for it: Belie my mistress! what a pox, d'ye think I have no sense of honour?

Warn. What the devil's the matter w'ye? Either be at quiet, or I'll resolve to take my heels, and be

gone.

Sir Mart. Stop thief, there! what, did you think to 'scape the hand of justice? [Lays hold on him.]

The best on't is, sirrah, your heels are not altogether so nimble as your tongue.

Warn. Help! Murder! Murder!

Sir Mart. Confess, you rogue, then.

[Beats him.

Warn. Hold your hands, I think the devil's in you, I tell you 'tis a device of mine.

Sir Mart. And have you no body to devise it on but my mistress, the very map of innocence?

Sir John. Moderate your anger, good Sir Martin. Sir Mart. By your patience, sir, I'll chastise him abundantly.

Sir John. That's a little too much, sir, by your favour, to beat him in my presence.

Sir Mart. That's a good one, i'faith; your presence shall hinder me from beating my own servant? Warn. O traitor to all sense and reason! he's going to discover that too.

Sir Mart. An I had a mind to beat him to mummy, he's my own, I hope.

sir.

Sir John. At present, I must tell you, he's mine,

Sir Mart. Hey-day! here's fine juggling! Warn. Stop yet, sir, you are just upon the brink of a precipice. [Aside.

Sir Mart. What is't thou mean'st now?-O Lord! my mind misgives me, I have done some fault; but would I were hanged if I can find it out. Aside.

Warn. There's no making him understand me. Sir Mart. Pox on't, come what will, I'll not be faced down with a lie; I say, he is my man.

Sir John. Pray remember yourself better; did not you turn him away for some fault lately, and laid a livery of black and blue on his back, before he went?

Sir Mart. The devil of any fault, or any black and blue, that I remember: Either the rascal put some trick upon you, or you would upon me.

Sir John. O ho, then it seems the cudgelling and turning away were pure invention; I am glad I understand it.

Sir Mart. In fine, its all so damned a lie

Warn. Alas! he has forgot it, sir; good wits, you know, have bad memories.

Sir John. No, no, sir, that shall not serve your turn; you may return when you please to your old master; I give you a fair discharge, and a glad man I am to be so rid of you: Were you thereabouts, i'faith? What a snake I had entertained in my bosom! Fare you well, sir, and lay your next plot better between you, I advise you. [Exit Sir JOHN. Warn. Lord, sir, how you stand, as you were nipped i'the head! Have you done any new piece of folly, that makes you look so like an ass?

1

Sir Mart. Here's three pieces of gold yet, if I had the heart to offer it thee.

[Holds the gold afar off, trembling. Warn. Noble sir, what have I done to deserve so great a liberality? I confess, if you had beaten me for my own fault, if you had utterly destroyed all my projects, then it might have been expected, that ten or twenty pieces should have been offered by way of recompence or satisfaction.

Sir Mart. Nay, an you be so full of your flouts, your friend and servant; who the devil could tell the meaning of your signs and tokens, an you go to

that?

Warn. You are no ass then?

Sir Mart. Well, sir, to do you service, d'ye see, I am an ass in a fair way; will that satisfy you? Warn. For this once produce those three pieces; I am contented to receive that inconsiderable tribute; or make 'em six, and I'll take the fault upon myself.

Sir Mart. Are we friends then? If we are, let me advise you

Warn. Yet advising!

Sir Mart. For no harm, good Warner: But pray next time make me of your council, let me enter into the business, instruct me in every point, and then if I discover all, I am resolved to give over affairs, and retire from the world.

Warn. Agreed, it shall be so; but let us now take breath a while, then on again.

For though we had the worst, those heats are

past;

We'll whip and spur, and fetch him up at last.

[Exeunt.

ACT V. SCENE I.

Enter Lord, Lady DUPE, Mistress CHRISTIAN,
ROSE, and WARNER.

Lord. Your promise is admirably made good to me, that Sir John Swallow should be this night married to Mrs Christian; instead of that, he is more deeply engaged than ever with old Moody.

Warn. I cannot help those ebbs and flows of for

tune.

L. Dupe. I am sure my niece suffers most in't; he's come off to her with a cold compliment of a mistake in his mistress's virtue, which he has now found out, by your master's folly, to be a plot of yours to separate them.

Chr. To be forsaken, when a woman has given her consent!

Lord. 'Tis the same scorn, as to have a town rendered up, and afterwards slighted.

Rose. You are a sweet youth, sir, to use my lady so, when she depended on you; is this the faith of a valet de chambre? I would be ashamed to be such a dishonour to my profession; it will reflect upon us in time; we shall be ruined by your good example.

Warn. As how, my dear lady embassadress?

Rose. Why, they say the women govern their ladies, and you govern us: So if you play fast and loose, not a gallant will bribe us for our good wills; the gentle guinea will now go to the ordinary, which used as duly to steal into our hands at the stair-foot, as into Mr Doctor's at parting.

Lord. Night's come, and I expect your promise. L. Dupe. Fail with me if you think good, sir. Chr. I give no more time,

Rose. And if my mistress go to bed a maid tonight

Warn. Hey-day! you are dealing with me, as they do with the bankrupts, call in all your debts together; there's no possibility of payment at this rate, but I'll coin for you all as fast as I can, I as

sure you.

L. Dupe. But you must not think to pay us with false money, as you have done hitherto.

Rose. Leave off your mountebank tricks with us, and fall to your business in good earnest.

Warn. Faith, and I will, Rose; for, to confess the truth, I am a kind of mountebank; I have but one cure for all your diseases, that is, that my master may marry Mrs Millisent, for then Sir John Swallow will of himself return to Mrs Christian.

Lord. He says true, and therefore we must all be helping to that design.

Warn. I'll put you upon something, give me but a thinking time. In the first place, get a warrant