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worthy matron exclaimed, “that he is ! diers seemed to be scampering away in thank you, Sir Charles.”
utter confusion, but a bugle sounded, and, “ Humph !” said the baronet, you as if by magic, the scattered dots united, know him, do you? Well, perhaps I might and, in an instant, came thundering back, have been a little too stubborn in that affair ; in one compact resistless line, making the but, in this ! Bah! A mis-shapen yahoo!' turf shake beneath them.
An éclaircissement followed. Mrs. Ber- “ Halt !” shouted the commanding offitram was young Fortescue's aunt, and he cer, when they had measured scarcely half was, at that moment, beneath her roof, the intended distance. having been sent home with despatches and When the command was obeyed, an aidethe rank of captain. Moreover, his right de-camp and several horsemen galloped to arm was in a sling, so there was no settling one of the flanks, before which appeared a the affair with pistols.
trembling group, consisting of a little fat Sir Charles winced, and fumed, and man, a little fat woman, one lanky boy, fretted, and refused to see either of the and three chubby children, the latter young people, but condescended to accept closely packed in a little child's chaise. some refreshment from the old lady, with The little“ pater-familias” soon plucked whom he was persuaded, upon certain con- up his courage, or rather his self-conceit, ditions, to entrust his daughter for the night. and, in reply to certain objurgations and He then drove to a favourite Hotel and charges of stupidity, declared that, as a dined, and, whether from exertion or any citizen of Bristol, and a householder in other cause, was, on the morrow, laid up Clifton, he had more right than the miliwith a regular fit of the gout. This gave tary to be upon the downs with his family, him time for reflection, and never was Lucy Besides,” said he to the aide-de-camp, more assiduously and affectionately atten- 6 what business have your men to pretend tive. Then came a letter from his darling to be going one way when they mean to boy the Major, with a particular account of come another ?” his friend Henry Fortescue's gallant conduct Here a dragoon declared that he had at the head of a storming party. “ There, warned the party and endeavoured to keep read that !” said he to Lucy, after he had them back, but the lanky boy persisted in perused it twice.
dragging the chaise forward, and he reLucy took the letter, but had not pro- frained from using violence for fear of ceeded far in her task, ere her eyes glisten- hurting the children. This sort of demur ed, and then her vision became confused, caused the commanding officer to fear that and then she let fall the epistle and sobbed, an accident had occurred, so he rode to the and then Sir Charles exclaimed, “ Come spot. here and let me kiss you, my love !” So “ Make way! make way!" was the cry, she went and was fondly pressed to his and the horsemen fell back, and Major heart, and he forthwith swore, with a huge General Sir Charles Glenfield found himunmentionable oath, that she should never self face to face with his “ noticed” acmarry any one but Henry Fortescue, and quaintance who had formerly run away from that time forward she was an obedient with his sister. At first the little man daughter.
looked confused, as though not wishing to As for our “noticed" hero, after escaping be “noticed;" but when Sir Charles adwith the loss of his coat tail, he was never dressed him by name and expressed anxiety seen more in the world of fashionables, nor for the safety of his family, he pulled up were any tidings heard of him by his former his cravat as in by-gone days, and would acquaintance till
have rubbed up his hair but for a bald reason which was evident when he took off
his hat. Then, with his chin forwards, he It was then, on a glaring summer's day, strutted a step or two and said “No, I that a regiment of cavalry was inspected thank you, Sir Charles, we are all safe. and manæuvred on Durdham Downs, near
- Mrs. Snealy - General Sir Bristol, to the infinite wonderment and Charles Glenfield; and then he held out occasional alarm of lots of groups of men, his card at arm's length and added, “ Happy women, and children. At length, to the to see you at our cottage, Sir Charles, if unmilitary eyes of the spectators, the sol- you should make any stay in these parts.”
TWENTY YEARS HAD ELAPSED.
The invitation was accepted, and over at length the long sighed-for “notice” came a glass of old port our little, now jolly, hero and happily turned out as “a notice to quit.” told the history of his birth and parentage, Then he returned and dwelt among his own which was briefly that his father, a plod- people and his father's friends, and shaking ding Bristol shopkeeper, had left him ample off all ridiculous pretensions, became remeans either to carry on the shop or retire spected by his equals, married a funny into humble competency, but utterly in- little wife, had a small family, and lived a sufficient to support “fashionable" preten- sort of“ as it were, a happy life enough.” sions. To be one among the fashionables” “Yes!” he would say sometimes, rubbing was, however, as we have seen, Mr. Sniffton his hands, as he sate carelessly by his own Snealy's mania, and so he wasted his best snug fireside, “ I know what it is to live years in most unprofitable if not despicable like a fish out of water;' but now I feel endeavours to appear what he was not, till in my own element. I am at home.”
SPIRITS OF WINE.
SPIRITS of Wine ! Faith, there is music found to be the most strenuous believers in in the sound! Milk-and-water fellows talk Spirits of Wine. of the harmony of the spheres ; and as they And, first, for the Greeks !-Och, and have had the wit to find out that a tune is were they not the boys for the true faith! but dull work unless there be those who can Did
you never hear of one Mister Anacreon, dance to it, they have been obliged to people and did not he die with a grape-stone in his the spheres to fill out their conception. throat? Talk of martyrs after that, inBut now, for the first time, I will tell them deed! The only man among them all that, who are the real occupants of those music- comes near the jolly old Greek was Saint giving rotundities. They are Spirits of Stephen : he, to be sure, was stoned to Wine. It is the jig of their jollity that death; but then those which killed him makes the heavenly motions so comfortable were mere vulgar, common stones-Aberto man. It is their “ big-bellied bottles” deen granite or Kentish rag, perhaps—but that make the sun so warm, and the moon Anacreon was the man that was stoned to to shine so bright; and without them there death with a real right-down grape-stone, would be nothing but poor, miserable, in- neither more nor less. Then there was significant, twinkling stars to light the Pindar! Did you ever read his odes? Why, world to an everlasting sleep: and when it if the old Milesian rumour runs true (and sometimes chances (as, even in the wisest we have plenty of Pindar's descendants in arrangements, matters will go wrong,) that Ireland,) he never could write a first line their mirth becomes so exuberant as to till he had got to the end of his first bottle make a flaw in the action of their abode, lo! -not one of your degenerate soi-disant the philosophical discovery of the errors of quart vials of the present day, but a maga comet sets all to rights again for that pass, num of the good old times, or, as it ought and after one little frisk every thing once now to be called for fear of mistakes, a more jigs on as merrily, as jollily, and as re- maximum. But why name individuals, gularly as before. Rely on it, the universal when the whole nation was of a mind! deluge was one of wine and whiskey; and as Every journey was commenced with a to a rainbow, the colours alone are enough drinking bout,-a very different matter to show that that cannot be made of water from the paltry stirrup-cup, which in our only ;-it is mixed liquors at least, though, own days has existed, but which, paltry as were my opinion to pass for authority, I it was, is even now fast sinking into nonwould rather say--there be port for purple, existence :-every marriage was honoured maraschino for gold, noyau for pink—but, with a full flow of cups, without which it psha! the thing is too plain to require illus- was expected that neither could the hymetration; so let us descend sky-wards to neal ceremony be happy, nor the hymeneal earth,-leave pretty Iris alone, lest Juno be bed productive of children worthy of dejealous of her maid of honour,--and observe scending from the three hundred at Therhow the wisest and the best have ever been mopylæ, or from the ten thousand at Mara
VOL. X.-NO. 11. FEBRUARY 1837.
thon : and, above all, every worship of the
They drink and dance by their own light;
They drink and revel all the night. gods was accompanied with a suitable liba
Nothing in Nature's sober found, tion,-a pouring out of the best, in humble But an eternal health goes round. imitation of Jove's own nectar; for the
Fill up the bowl, then, fill it high;
Fill all the glasses there ; for why Greeks could not imagine a king of Olympus Should every creature drink but I? without a cellar, a butler, and a cup-bearer; Why, man of morals, tell me why? and no doubt, in their poetical fancy, the Tell us why, indeed? Oh, ye anti-newwhole of the sacred hill where the cloud- beer-shop-arians! Oh, ye temperance-socompeller held his court was perforated, like ciety-ites! Oh, ye big-wigged-cane-headedVesuvius, with craters for the reception (if pulse-feelers! Tell us why? Tell us why? an Irish pun on so serious a subject may be And now I think of it, I have a mighty allowed) of the cratur. Nor was this Gre- pretty quarrel to settle with the last-mencian reverence for “ drink divine” limited tioned gentlemen—the aforesaid big-wiggedto the “piping times of peace” alone. They cane-headed-pulse--feelers. Not only do they cultivated the accomplishment as one of the launch anathemas against the viny juice : gentle amenities in the days of tranquillity; not only do they pronounce wine poison, but at the same time were well aware of its and wine-bibbing felo de se, with all which service in the brattling era of wars and con- perhaps I might find no such great fault, flicts. Old Homer, in his two immortalities, seeing that “it is their vocation, Hal!” shows us enough of this, without going fur- but in more subtle and deceitful guise they ther for examples ; and of that Chian poet have made a more dangerous attack on the himself it has been well remarked,
Spirits of Wine, endeavouring to take away “ Laudibus arquitur vini vinosus Homerus." their good name by mixing it with their But as an instance over all instances, let me own foul philtres and unwholesome drugs. ask, how would wise Ulysses, with all his Thus, if you go into an apothecary's shop, store of cunning, have ever got quit of one
—which never but once did I, and that was eyed Polypheme, but for the happy chance to demand satisfaction for having been dewhich his skins of Grecian wine-so strong, luged by a pail-full of some deleterious conthat the usual mixture was one part of wine coction which a wily apprentice had thrown to twenty of water-afforded him of over- out of the garret window, no doubt with coming the brute strength of the giant, and the wicked purpose of dosing some unlucky preparing the way for the fiery agony that passenger, and so giving his master a job, extinguished his single eye?
if, I say, you go into an apothecary's shop, But it is not Greek authors alone that we you will see sundry mis-shapen bottles—as have need to quote, when we would laud little like an honest wine-bottle as I to Herthe virtues of the bottle. Ovid, Rabelais, cules—and on them will be labelled “ SpiCervantes, Boileau, Dryden, Boccaccio, Ben rits of Æther”—“ Spirits of Nitre Jonson, with a thousand more, of whom rits of Lavender"—with many more, no these take the lead, -all come with ready doubt, though I had no time in my single offerings to the shrine,—all have their visit to descry the whole. It is against this various modes of contributing to the store, system that I declare most deadly war. too ample to be specified here: but if room Straight-forward, bold-faced attacks on Spifor one may be found, it shall rather be in rits of Wine I fear not: their honest power favour of ill-used, admirable Cowley,and is such, that they can laugh such futile foes the more willingly so, because in a transla- to scorn : but when it is attempted to mistion he has gone far towards improving the lead the ignorant, and surprise the unwary vis poetica et vinosa of one well nigh unim- by confounding the generous Spirits that proveable on such a subject. Thus argues dwell within a bin of Port or a case of he, in paraphrase of old Anacreon :
Champagne with those foul spirits that lurk The thirsty earth soaks up the rain,
in the unwholesome mixtures specified, it And drinks, and gapes for drink again; is then that I feel compelled to exclaim, The plants suck in the earth, and are
with a certain great personage,
66 This is With constant drinking fresh and fair ; The sea itself (which one would think
too bad!” Should have but little need of drink,)
In all my travels—and I have travelled Drinks twice ten thousand rivers up, So filled that they o'erflow the cup.
far and wide—one thing above all others I The busy Sun (and one would guess
have observed. And that is this—that, go By's drunken fiery face no less,)
where you will, you may always tell the Drinks up the sea, and when he's done, The moon and stars drink up the Sun:
disposition of the man by the liquor to
which he has accustomed himself through borrowed from an elderly gentleman with life. This position holds good, either as to whom I was acquainted in my young days, nations or as to individuals; and may be and who, should I mention his name,
would better relied on than the dogmata of a hun- be instantly recognised by all the savans of dred Lavaters or a thousand Spurzheims. every country as an eminent benefactor of Look abroad at the nations of the earth, and the human race. But-to the illustration.
The German! What is his charac- This elderly gentleman was so in love with teristic? Heavy, very heavy, because he the theory I have laid down, that he deterdrinketh beer, and gulpeth down the lees mined to put it in practice on his three of a bottle of port rather than waste the sons; and with this view he always insisted latter end of his beverage; besides which, on John drinking nothing but port, Ned the port that is sold in the land savoureth Madeira, and Stephen champagne, each of to a frightful degree of sloe-juice and molass. them under divers pains and penalties never The Frenchman! What is his characteris- to taste any other wine but that set down tic ! Volatile, airy, and effervescent! Look for them : nay, so far did he carry his enin his bottle, and you'll know the why :- thusiasm for the system, that in his will he he lusteth after champagne-he bibbeth thin apportioned his ample fortune equally potations of claret and sauterne : and if so, amongst the three-but on the same condiwhere, in the name of all the Spirits of tion, the property of either to be forfeited Wine at once, is he to get his stamina and on its once being proved that the delinmuscle? The Turk! What is his cha- quent had infringed the law of champagne, racteristic? Muddle-headed, inert, and one port, or Madeira, as it might happen. This that moves at the rate of a snail's mile in strange dictation of the old gentleman occaa day. Again I say, examine his drink: it sioned much talk at college when I was consisteth of sherbet poured upon a layer there, that being the period when his three of laudanum-goat's milk thickened with sons were also there, going through their opium : then where, I pray, the wonder ? university training. This circumstance, Need I state more exemplars? If you however, like many others of early life, had would know why the Spaniard is more solid been nearly forgotten by me, till about forty than the Italian, look at the qualities of years afterwards it was my chance to travel their respective wines. If you would learn in the mail from London to Holyhead with why the Sicilian won't fight, and the Irish- a gentleman, who in the course of conversaman will, consider the nature of their be- tion turned out to be no other than Ned verage. Apropos of the Irishman :—why ., or, as he then re-introduced himis it that he is the admiration of the women self to me, Major-General Edward the wonder of the world—the paragon of The recognition that mutually took place the creation ? Because he, and he alone, between us, naturally led us to talk of olden has learned the just admixture of all liquors: times; and olden times brought his father he steadies himself with port, -he refines and brothers on the tapis. himself with Madeira, -he enlivens himself “ Ah !” cried he, his eyes glistening, and with champagne,—and finally rectifies the his nose shining fiery red through the misty whole with that superhuman invention November morning in which we were trawhich the vulgar call whiskey, but the true velling—“ Ah, old dad was right enough in master of the taste and palate “ the nectar his theory after all. You remember the of the Gods.”
conditions? — Jack for port, - Stevy for But, as I said before, this rule is not con- champagne,--and 1 for Madeira !
Poor fined to nations only: it is equally appli- fellows, they are both dead; and rely on cable to individuals: and a circumstance this, it was the wine they drank that did it. which has often recurred to my mind, when But I'll give you a sketch of our lives, and thinking on this point, will well enough then you can draw your own conclusions. serve to illustrate this part of my subject. Jack, after sundry chances, took to the merIn the first place, I must begin with a con- cantile; though both Stevy and myself refession,--and a very disagreeable one to the monstrated fiercely against it, for we did not author of a theory—especially so admirable like the thought of the blood of
dea one as that which these pages are deli- generating at that rate : but the port he had neating. However, magis amica veritas, fc., drunk had made Jack obstinate, or stupid, and here it is ! This valuable theory is not or both; so a merchant he would be. And altogether my own, seeing that it is in part what do you think the end of it was ? He
lost all his money-was gazetted secundum am not prepared to say that Madeira is the artem—and next night he walked into the way in which you should train up a child, Fleet river at Bagnigge Wells, and was I strongly counsel every good father of a found there dead in the morning :--the co- family, at all events, to avoid overloading his roner's jury were very lenient; they re- offspring with either port or champagne. turned a verdict Found suffocated;'- What the right succedaneum may be, is something was spared the blood of the another question. Byron inspired himself You will easily guess that Stevy, with with gin and water-Dr. Johnson vibrated nothing but champagne in his veins, never in his peregrination through life, between dreamt of the counter or the counting-house; port wine and tea-and I have a friend who, but that infernal frisky French tipple when he undertakes to read one of Joseph popped him into another sort of scrape: he Hume's speeches, or a page of Young's took to himself a wife, but was too frisky to Night Thoughts, sends for a pot of porter to live with her beyond a couple of months— bring himself into a proper condition for the so then he ran away; but again the cham- effort. I'll look some day, and see what pagne let him in for it--for, not content Lewis Cornaro says upon the subject. with running away himself, he ran away In the meanwhile, as I have made one with another man's wife, -and the end of it confession, I will conclude this treatise on was, that having run away himself, and run Spirits of Wine by making another-to the away with her, the husband ran after him, effect, that even good things may be abused; and ran poor Stevy through in the Bois de and I have no doubt that the Spirits of Boulogne. Thus, my friend, you see the Wine may be so offended as to throw aside fatal extremities of port and champagne: their fine and Ariel shape, and take on them now, here am I, who have stuck most re- the brute and disgusting form of oppressive ligiously to Madeira according to the old Caliban : in this respect they resemble the man's will ; sixty-five shall I be next birth- fairies, to whom they are akin :-behave day, and Madeira my only physic through genteelly to them, and they have for you a
I have been in the West Indies—I Titanja tenderness of handling ; but, take have been in the East Indies—I have been advantage of their good-nature by abuse, in the Peninsula—I have had eight horses and they grapple you with all the pinching shot under me ; I began as an ensign-never and mischief of a Puck. None knew this once purchased after my first commission- better than the joy-hearted Greeks, whose and here I am, hale, hearty, and a Major. reverence for the Spirits of Wine I have General at your service. After this, judge already recorded; for while their hours for yourself whether what a man drinks is whether of pleasure, of seriousness, or of not the real criterion of his rise and fall.” solemnity—had space enough for honour to The account that was thus given me by my the сир, ,
memory of the Spartan Helots old friend, the Major-General, was a strange will ever stand a monument of their knowconfirmation of a train of thoughts in which ledge, that Over-use is Abuse. I had frequently indulged; and though I
ON THE MISMANAGEMENT OF THE NATIONAL THEATRES.
Every body agrees that the drama is who, it seems, attracted too much attention at its lowest ebb; it is, in fact, a part of from his comedies, whereupon he, the said the fashionable creed of the day, and no Terence, found that he had stumbled upon one, who would make the slightest preten- evil days; Ben Jonson was not a whit less sions to taste, must concede any merit to indignant with his English audiences, who, the living dramatists. The public have he protested had no relish for anything but declared it from John O'Groat's even to noise and battles; while even the gentle the Land's End, and the press, with woni- Shakspeare (query gentle ?) talks of their derful unanimity, have confirmed the pub- passion for inexplicable dumb show ; lately lic opinion. The misfortune is, that the our dear grandfathers, with much more complaint is as old as the drama itself; justice on their side, thought that comedy Terence was mightily disturbed by the was truly defunct, when for years they were success of the funambuli, the rope-dancers, nightly dosed with O'Keefe, Colman, and