munity, while the public at large is a simple baby? And again-what is the use of the licenser's snipping off the indecencies of authors, while there are many other points yet more objectionable? truly this is straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel. If we are to submit to this meddling with our amusements, let the licenser not do the thing by halves, but interfere with certain arrangements that we do not think fit to particularise, but about which his deputy ought to be able to give him some valuable information; it is enough for us to hint, that he may be much more usefully employed before the curtain than he can be upon the stage, where, to speak the

truth, the licenser never has been of the slightest service to any one except himself. Look, for instance, at the minor theatres, that have not been subjected to any such surveillance; it has not yet been found that the plays brought out on those stages have occasioned either a second gunpowder plot, or made our morality much worse than they found it. Away then with this odious office, which is only another instance of that spirit of taxation which follows the Englishman even to his fire-side, curtails his food, grudges him the light of day, haunts him in sickness, and, vampire-like, feeds upon him when dead.

MR. EDWARD WILLOUGHBY, and his friend and somewhile tutor, Mr. Olinthus Humdrum, were, at the moment of which we now treat, seated in the chambers of the former, situate in the Temple. I think I may as well mention, to prevent mistake, and to guard against future importunate solicitation upon the point, that King's Bench Walk may be relied upon as the precise locality of these offices.

"And so you think, Humdrum," said the young gentleman, "that I have no right to a voice in a matter so nearly concerning my future happiness? Why, man, my father can make out no better claim to select the companion of my fire-side, than to impose upon me chimney-ornaments of his own choice. The latter, indeed, may be removed at pleasure, but the former is a permanence -a fixture; and I mean to take my own fixtures at my own valuation."

"Mr. Edward," cried Humdrum, with due solemnity, for the old gentleman was one of those "slow and sure" persons, who deem slowness of speech to be the best surety of good sense- I am astonished at the tone you adopt on this occasion. Might I presume to advise you, I would counsel an entire submission on your part to the will of your father. Indeed, I am given to understand by Sir Haughty Willoughby, that the young lady, Miss Talkington, is a person of the most unexceptionable description -a most agreeable—”

you," interrupted the other; "a patent prating-machine-a perpetual motion of tongue-chatter, chatter, chatter still,' as Wordsworth says-I won't have her."

"Fie, fie, Mr. Edward Willoughby— speak not so decisively-believe me, it is not-" but here Humdrum's correct view of the matter was abruptly closed, by a loud and peremptory knock at the door.

"Come in."

"Ha! Ned, still in the flesh-how are you?" cried a young gentleman of fashionable exterior, as he shook his friend perseveringly by the hand. "What, Humdrum, you there? with that post-mortem phiz of thine: well, I'll be hang'd, if you're not one of the most posthumous-looking persons I have seen for a long time past!" and as he directed his fore-finger into the fifth rib of the tutor, a frigid bow of recognition on the part of the latter communicated a glow to the mischief-loving soul of the other.

"Well, but," resumed the visiter, turning to his friend, “you look melancholy— how is this? creditors no longer complying ? highways and byeways no longer practicable-duns in the ascendant, eh?”

"These afflictions have not yet overtaken me, Heyday," returned Willoughby—“ nothing of the nature you appear to contemplate, I assure you, Jack; but sit down, and incline your ear to a recital of my present perplexity. My father insists upon my accompanying him into the country on a visit to Sir Jabber Talkington, whose daughter I

am without delay to woo, and, without any unnecessary formalities, to proceed to wed." "I know the family well," said Heyday, "and think your father has made an excellent choice for you, my good fellow."

"Did I not say-" interposed the tutor. "Peace, Humdrum, peace!" continued Heyday; "and so you can't bring your neck to the noose yet-don't wish to inclose your happiness in a ring fence, eh?"

"You know, Jack," replied the other peevishly-" you know the engagement subsisting between your cousin Emily and myself; and yet there's that obstinate old brute of an uncle of yours will never consent to our union."

"And there's that proud old prig of a father of yours, equally opposed to your marriage."

"True: what then is to be done?"

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"Aye, that's the question," said Heyday, solemnly. I am sometimes tempted to exclaim in almost the words of the poet

Ye gods, annihilate both brute and prig,
And make two lovers happy!

Don't you join me in that fervent prayer, man of much learning?" and he turned to the tutor.

"Indeed, I do not, Mr. John Heyday," exclaimed Humdrum, with a shudder; "annihilation is, I may say-"

"Determined as I am," interrupted Willoughby, "never to consent to the marriage my father designs me to solemnize, I must yet so far obey him as to accompany him on this hateful visit. And yet I cannot bear the idea of a separation from my Emily for so long a period: a month will be an age ere I again behold—”

"No sentiment!" said Heyday, "I have read the last new novel. Shall I tell you, Ned, how to make the time pass quickly enough?"

"What do you mean? How may I accomplish so desirable an end?”

"Put your name to a bill," said Heyday, gravely; "I'll warrant you'll find that Time has a good pair of wings, especially the last few days."

"Pshaw! this is trifling," cried Willoughby, making his easy chair a misnomer. "Well, I'll tell you," said Heyday, "I have concocted a plan. You must no longer be trifled with. May I speak out before death's-head and cross-bones yonder?" "You may; he is an old and a valued friend."

66

Then, here goes; or rather, here comes VOL, X.-NO. 11.-FEBRUARY 1837.

as pretty a plan as ever issued from Machiavelian brain. You remember, when we were at Trinity, my passion for the histrionic art?-you recollect, I dare say, that in the venerable department, I was altogether unequalled."

"I do; what then?" cried Willoughby, impatiently.

"Yes, in the sexagenarian business, I was certainly without a rival. How I touched off the aged ones! They were, indeed, the only ancients to whom I paid much attention."

They were so-but, my good fellow?" "This is my design," resumed Hey day. "Your father, Sir Haughty Willoughby, has never seen my uncle Alderman Walbrook. An opportunity will present itself to me, this very day, of waiting on the latter as Sir Haughty Willoughby; should I make a successful progress, I shall find occasion, to-morrow, to present myself to Sir Haughty as Alderman Walbrook."

Here Mr. Humdrum took occasion to raise his hands into the air, and so arranged his visual organs that the whites were alone discernible.

66

Humdrum, you see, already admires the ingenuity of the plan," said Heyday, approaching to his friend.

"But, my dear Jack

"No buts, my dear Ned; the thing is practicable. I shall humour the weakness of each: to my uncle, as your father, I shall dwell on the claims of wealth and mercantile respectability-to your father, as my uncle, I shall expatiate on the dignities of high birth and elevated rank. What, if I fail? The girl's of age-marry her out of hand. Grandfathers are seldom inflexible, and the old fellows, in due time, will come round, depend on't. Shall I make the attempt?"

"I think you may," said Willoughby, musing: "and yet-but there can be no harm done, after all."

66

True, true," said Heyday; " and besides, you must not marry Miss Talkington, that's out of the question. Did you ever see her, Humdrum? No, Willoughby, you must not take to wife a human parrot. By the bye, talking of parrots, what's o'clock? Two? So late? I'm off. Not another word. Good bye. It's all here.”.

And tapping his forehead with his forefinger, the eccentric Jack went on his way, to commence his short career of duplicity. Well, Humdrum, and what do you,

L

"Tell the gentleman I'll wait upon him instantly," cried the Alderman, with a pecu liar emphasis; and, taking one or two turns round the apartment, for the purpose, as it seemed, of calming his ruffled spirits, he descended to the parlour.

"I have waited upon you, Mr. Alderman Walbrook," said a tall figure, whose head was encased in a very peculiar wig, whose right hand held with aristocratic nicety a gold-headed cane, and the bridge of whose nose was surmounted by a pair of Patagonian spectacles: "I have waited upon you, Sir, to confer with you on a matter of some delicacy and importance."

"Pray be seated, Sir Haughty Willoughby-nay, no ceremony, I beg of you," answered the Alderman, with a suspicious over-muchness of politeness: "now, Sir Haughty Willoughby, what may be the nature of your business?"

"Why, Sir,” replied the other, with an important seriousness of air; "it may probably have reached your ears that a son of mine, Mr. Edward Willoughby, has conceived what young gentlemen absurdly term an attachment for your daughter, Miss Emily Walbrook."

to consider that a connection with the family of Walbrook would not be altogether discreditable to us (my son and myself), and bearing in mind the state of the young people's affections, I think I might be brought to extend my consent to their nuptials.”

"Oh! you think So, do you ?" exclaimed the Alderman, with a malicious grimace, as he dived his hand into his coat-pocket. "But, what if I withhold-"

66

"Your approbation of the match ?" interrupted the other. Impossible, Mr. Alderman, impossible. Reflect, Sir, upon the antiquity-the rank of the house of Willoughby. Why, Sir, my ancestor came in before the Conqueror; and touched upon the coast of Sussex in a boat of his own rigging.”

"As your ancestor came in so may you go out," cried the Alderman: you won't find me in the same boat with you, rely upon it."

"Here's perverseness-here's a specimen of the vulgar insolence of wealth,” exclaimed the tall figure, directing the glare of his gigantic eye-glasses full at the face of Walbrook. "An alderman, a merchant, incredible!-a wholesale vendor of coffee, ginger, nutmegs, cloves, cinnamon, mace, and allspice-oh, monstrous!"

During this derogatory speech, the Alderman had sprung upon his legs with ill-suppressed rage, and, drawing from his coatpocket a hunting-whip with a frightful supplement of thong, ejaculated an oath which must by no means be set down in this place.

"Well, Sir, thus much in few words. You cannot be ignorant that mine is a most ancient and honourable family: and that I have a just right to be scrupulous, nay even punctilious, in all matters that nearly or remotely concern its dignity. Still, after much reflection, I have been prevailed upon

away that gold-headed cane, and let me bestow upon you one of the best-deserved castigations that was ever earned by an impudent puppy."

So saying, the Alderman flourished his whip round the body of his nephew with a vigour and a skill truly curious and instructive to behold.

"Hilloah! a truce-a truce," cried Heyday, skipping about between the furniture with extraordinary agility. "Hear me,

Alderman-listen to me, my dear uncle let me explain-I can, upon my honour." "Explain! you rascal, explain!" said the Alderman. "I wish I could get at you, over that chevaux-de-frise of chairs" and here the Alderman attacked the besieged youth with renewed energy.

"Good gracious! what can be the matter here!" exclaimed a lady of some fifty years as she bounced into the parlour. "What! Walbrook! beating that old gentleman in the corner with that great whip-"

"Yes, Miss Rechy Rantipole, beating that old gentleman in the corner with this great whip," mimicked the Alderman with an unsightly grin. "Just look again at that old gentleman, will you?-why it's that rascal of a nephew of yours-Jack Heyday."

"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed Miss Rechy loud and long. "Why, Jack Heyday, what tricks have you been playing now, eh?"

66 Oh, you know well enough," said the Alderman. "You contrived it, I'll be sworn;-but, like that poor sister of yours"

"Uh! you old bear," said Miss Rechy. "But how is this, Jack; how came this about?"

"I'll tell you, presently, Rantipole," cried the discomfited Jack; "in the mean time, just hand down a few of these chairs, that's a good girl; there: well, I'll tell you. I thought, you see, that young Willoughby"

"Get out of my sight, you impudent villain!" shouted Walbrook, "prating there to that fool of an aunt of yours, as though nothing whatever had taken place. Get out of my sight. I had thought, when my guardianship was at an end, that I should never more be troubled with you-but here you are, a perpetual torment; always plotting some mischief or another. I'll tell you what, Jack Heyday, I'll have a commission de lunatico inquirendo out against you, before long; many a saner man than you has died at Hoxton, I can tell you."

"Never mind the old one, come along with me," said Miss Rechy Rantipole, lugging her nephew towards the door: "come to my private room, and let us hear all about it."

"Aye, so I will, Rantipole, so I will," replied Jack. "Is Emily at home?"

"Yes! come along."

"Good day, my dear uncle."

"The deuce take that young dog," said the Alderman, as he sank breathless into a chair, "nothing will reclaim him, I fear, Hang me, if I think the whip touched him after all; and, confound my awkwardness! I've nearly whipt my own eye out of my head. Who's there?"

A servant entered the room with a face of extreme bewilderment.

"Another old gentleman wishes to see you, Sir?"

"Another old gentleman! who is he?". "His name-hi-he says is-" and the servant presumed to hazard a speculative chuckle-"his name is Sir Haughty Willoughby."

"Are you certain it is not the rascal I got rid of just now?" demanded the Alderman.

"Yes, Sir; that old gentleman is gone with Miss Rantipole to her room."

66 Very strange! let him walk in,” muttered the Alderman; and a tall figure, with a wig, spectacles, and gold-headed cane, entered the apartment.

The Alderman started-but, no-there was a difference.

66

My name, Sir, is Haughty Willoughby," said the Baronet, bowing stiffly, and seating himself with dignity: " yours, I presume, is Walbrook. I have received a communication from a friend-the former tutor of my son-Mr. Olinthus Humdrum

“Aye,” said the Alderman.

"In which he informs me, that a nephew of yours is about to do what I cannot but consider a most impertinent thing-namely, to impose himself upon you as Sir Haughty Willoughby, with a view to obtain your consent to a certain marriage.”

"My dear Sir Haughty, a thousand thanks and pardons for the interruption-I also received a letter from the same gentleman, and was in good time put upon my guard. I have, be assured, sent the deceptive scoundrel away with a flea in his ear." "He has been here, then, Mr. Walbrook?"

"He has; and I have, I think, made him ashamed of himself.”

"Then all is well," said the Baronet, rising, and bowing with rigid formality. "Good morning, Mr. Walbrook. I request you to believe, however, that had your nephew succeeded in his design, I could never have been brought to consent to such

wife of the eldest son of a paltry Baronet." "Paltry, Mr. Walbrook ? paltry?" said Sir Haughty, turning white with anger. "Yes, paltry!" retorted the Alderman, turning red with rage.

"I have known the time, Sir, when such language must have been answered at the back of Montague House," cried the Baronet.

"The sooner you see the front of mine the better, I think," said the Alderman. "My daughter not equal to your son! Ha, ha! capital.”

"She is not, Sir-she is not!"

"You lie, Sir; you lie !" cried the Alderman, and he sprang to the bell.

It was well for him that he did so, or the Baronet's gold-headed cane, which at that moment shivered an inkstand, would probably have alighted upon the very centre

of his scull.

"Take him away, John, take him away!" exclaimed Walbrook, as the servant entered, and laid hands upon Sir Haughty; and as the Baronet was led out of one door, the Alderman rushed headlong out of another.

In the meanwhile, Miss Rechy Rantipole, Miss Emily Walbrook, and Jack Heyday, were assembled in close divan in the boudoir of the former lady."

"Well but Jack," said Miss Rechy, "how ill you must have managed, not to have hoodwinked the Alderman! Had you condescended to call upon me for assistance, I could have contrived a better plan."

“However good, Rantipole, you are mistaken," cried Jack. "Our respective talents in the outwitting line are equally great, but of an essentially distinct character. Nothing could have been better than my 'counterfeit presentment' of the aristocratical quidnunc."

porter's work done here. I would advise a certain knot that'll make the burden sit lighter; indeed, I have instructed Neď to take out a license forthwith. He'll be here presently, I have no doubt."

"Excellent! Jack," cried Miss Rechy, in ecstacy, "you're a true Rantipole, the very image of your mother; as for Emily here, she's a poor thing in these matters."

“Indeed, cousin,” said Miss Emily, addressing Heyday, "I could not think of taking so rash a step; I must not fly in the face of my father."

"Oh no, there was no time for that; and besides no one knew of the plot. Yes, Humdrum, but he never surely—”

"But what's to be done, now?" interposed Miss Rechy, impatiently. "I can't have this stupid girl pining and languishing-"

"By no means,” said Heyday, decisively, "carrying about the house a weight of woe, as they call it. We'll have no sentimental

pride, and your father lays aside his obstinacy, Rechy Rantipole will never live to dance at your wedding.”

At this moment the door was hastily flung open, and the Alderman strode into the

room.

"So, so," said he, “laying your three plotting heads together, I'll warrant: what's in the wind now?”

"No plot, I can assure you, my dear uncle," said Heyday with becoming gravity