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understand. I am obliged to you, Sir,” drum will be there before me. The sly old turning to Heyday, “for your ingenious rascal! but I shall overtake him." personation of me this morning.”
The mode of revenge adopted by the BaPray do not mention it, Sir Haughty,” ronet, by no means accorded with the correct said Jack, bowing deprecatingly.
notions of conduct entertained by Mr. Olin“Your friend, Sir," resumed Sir Haughty, thus Humdrum. He made the best of his may hear what I am about to say. I way, therefore, to the house of the Alderwaited upon
Mr. Alderman Walbrook this man, with a view to set that gentleman on morning, and he was pleased, Sir, he was his guard; but finding him engaged, and pleased to express a most unauthorized con- being shown into the presence of Miss Rechy tempt for the privileges of ancient birth and Rantipole, he communicated to that lady acquired rank; and he said, Sir, that he de- without reserve his suspicions, his fears, and signed his daughter for a better man than his certainties. the eldest son of a Baronet.”
“Gracious me!” cried Miss Rechy—“we Vulgar !” said Heyday decisively. ought to be greatly obliged to you for your “You are right, Mr. Heyday. Let me zealous friendship shown to us on two occaask, could he expect or desire a more sions to-day. Pray walk this way. You honourable match for his daughter?” shall see the Alderman at once. This is “ No," said the junior Willoughby.
indeed important." No," echoed Heyday.
It was about half an hour after this scene, “ These prejudices against birth, my that Heyday rushed headlong into the young friends," said the Baronet, in an in- drawing-room. “Rechy Rantipole," said structive tone, " although of recent growth he, “ I have been thrown out of a cab, will be of long duration. For my part, I bruised, battered and delayed. Has a harbour no prejudices. You look surprised. formal old fool, calling himself Humdrum, Let one word suffice. Marry the young intruded himself here some time since ?" lady, my son, forthwith.”
“ He has,” said Rechy gravely, “and the “Ha! ha! ha!” shouted Heyday, dig- Alderman being engaged, he told me his ging his elbow into the ribs of the be- business, which might have—” wildered son.
Spoiled all,” interrupted Heyday. Why this indecent mirth ?" demanded Exactly," continued the spinster; " and Sir Haughty, with an elevation of the eye- so, to prevent any unpleasant fuss, I took brows.
up stairs under pretence of leading him “I beg pardon," returned the culprit, to Walbrook, and pushed him into the lum
my diaphragm is always touched by in- ber room, where I have him under lock stances of generosity.”
and key.” "Generosity!” cried the Baronet. “I “You certainly beat me at these matters," do it from revenge ; nay, not so, from a said Heyday, scratching his ear, “I should feeling of punctilious honour. I will show never have thought of that: but here come this insolent citizen that we despise his the lovers: well, young people, all right?” wealth-and that, spite of him, we will The blushes of Miss Emily and the corhave his daughter. What say you, Ned?” dial shaking of hands that took place be
“We will so," cried Ned in a stupefac- tween Willoughby, Miss Rechy, and Heytion of astonishment.
day, satisfactorily answered the question. At this moment, Humdrum, having lifted A sound, as of wrangling, was heard in up his hands and eyes, retired suddenly.
“ Let the ceremony take place instantly," “ And so you did not think my daughter said the Baronet—“ lest the father should fit for your son?” demanded the Alderman. get wind of our intentions.”
“ And the son of a paltry Baronet was " It shall, Sir Haughty,” cried Heyday, not worthy of your daughter, Mr. Wal“ and if you will wait upon the Alderman brook ?" returned Sir Haughty—“ but look in an hour, you shall take ample vengeance there, Sir, look there ” and he pointed toupon him for his insolence of this morning" wards the young couple.
Fly!” cried Jack, when the Baronet “Aye, look there, indeed," answered the had quitted the room -“ lest some unfore- Alderman, “there's gall and wormwood seen accident should mar this wonderful for you." unanimity; you'll find Emily with Mrs. “ For me?" cried the astonished Baronet, Merton. I'm off to Walbrook's, or Hum- “it was I who arranged the whole matter."
“ You?" shouted the other, and would somewhat unceremoniously, I must say, have proceeded, but that a burst of laughter thrust me. I fear I have dislocated the from three mouths, and a simper from the lock.” fourth, somewhat staggered him.
“ Mr. Humdrum,” cried Heyday, “ you “Gentlemen," said Heyday, “ you are are entitled to the thanks of this company both right, and wrong. Had you not seve- for your conduct this day. You have done rally insisted upon it, these young persons much service-" would never have come together, as they “ Who'd have thought it ?” cried Humcall it. Your daughter was so dutiful, and drum, a question which was echoed by all your son so obedient, I assure you, as it present. was, I had the greatest difficulty in com “ Your reward, Sir, shall be,” continued pleting this little matter.”
Heyday, “to have the honour of joining in The respective fathers looked unutterable the dance this evening, as partner to Miss things at their children, and, seized with a Rechy Rantipole." simultaneous conviction that they were be Might I hope that such felicity would ginning to look rather absurd characters, be permitted me,” cried Humdrum with were fain to join in the mirth, and to shake gallantry, casting an eye, long unused to hands with much apparent cordiality. sentimental practice, at Miss Rechy, “I
“ I say, Rechy,” cried Heyday, you would certainly renew, on this night, that may as well go and release Humdrum. exercise of my youth, to which I must avow After all, he has been the unconscious cause myself to have been of yore passionately of this happy termination.”
addicted.” “ I am here," cried Humdrum, who had “ And so you shall, Mr. Humdrum,” said sneaked into the room some minutes before; Miss Rechy. - But, Alderman, dinner is “ and permit me, Mr. Walbrook, to apo on table;" and the party proceeded down logise for having been compelled to pick stairs; and I need not add, made as happy open the door of one of your upper apart- an evening of it as it is given to human ments, into which that lively lady yonder, beings, in this sublunary sphere, to enjoy.
THE OPINIONS OF CHRISTOPHER HASTY, ESQ.
“De omnibus rebus et quibusdam aliis.”
The Jews.—THERE are two things in this Christians in the same way that the monkey world to which, in common with most ra used the cat's paw when he abducted the tional beings, I have an especial antipathy chesnuts from the fire. Then, again, how -a Jew and a cat. There are some very is it that these vagabonds never work, and wise folks who will call this prejudice, yet are never seen to beg ? surely they canthough, in fact, the dislike that three parts not all steal ? and if they don't live by robof mankind entertain towards these out- bery of some kind, how is it that they do casts is neither more nor less than experi- live? Who ever heard of a Jewish cobbler ?
It would be just as reasonable to or a Jewish tailor? or a Jewish farmer? call it prejudice, because we object to nay, they are never found engaged in that trusting our poultry within the reach of which, according to Napoleon, is the natural a fox, or our lives within the claws of a occupation of all men, namely, fighting, ex, lion. This, which fools term prejudice, is cept it is in a prize-fight, or under the Great knowledge. At all times and in all coun Frederic of Prussia; but then Fritz took a tries, the Jews have been the same; liars, delight in conquering impossibilities. The extortioners, lovers of filth, usurers, and riddle is still a riddle, and requires an eschewers of all and every sort of work in Edipus to solve it. In the mean time, their own persons. For my part, I never John Minter Hart is transported, to the could make out how it is that they are great sorrow of “ our peoples.” seldom, if ever, hanged; certainly, if any Humbug.—What a pity it is that we part of his Majesty's subjects deserve sus have no equivalent in the language for this pension, it is the chosen people; the only expressive, but cacophonous word, which, way
I can account for their escaping this indeed, has become as essential a part of 80 merited catastrophe is, that they use English conversation as “ I guess ” to the
Americans. The reason of its utility is to brute wishes to horsewhip his weaker be found in the very great abundance of neighbour, he knows the exact price of his that quality, which it so effectually desig- amusement; the fine that would punish, nates; for though there have been lying by ruining, a poor man, is in his case only and hypocrisy, no doubt, in all ages, yet so much outlay for so much pleasure. Vethis is par excellence the age of humbug- rily this justice is a terrible humbug ! the age in which semblance is all in all, and The Ladies in the House of Commons. the name of virtue is more prized, because Some chivalrous Honourable—for in the more profitable, than the reality. How Commons they are all like the conspirators many popular delusions have followed each against Cæsar, all honourable men ;-some other during the last few years! There chivalrous Honourable last Session took it was the Cholera humbug, which, after it into his head that it would mightily mend had filled the pockets of the doctors, quietly the manners of the disputants if the ladies vanished, and was heard of no more. Then were to superintend the debates. Now I do there was the Reform humbug, that was to not mean to deny that the manners of the put a goose on every man's table, and a Honourables
much in want of butt of ale in his cellar; when lo, and be- amendment, but I question, and not a little, hold! the only geese were the poor fools who the efficacy of the proposed mode of amelihad believed in it. Next there was the oration. If a gallery were filled with ladies, Anti-slavery humbug, and a pretty piece would their presence make Joseph Hume of humbug it was; a whole nation went talk, think, or look, like a gentleman ? or mad to free a parcel of blacks, when their would Alderman Wood be thereby influown white children were enduring a slavery enced into uttering a word of sense in one ten times more severe in the factories of his half-hour orations? or would a ciat home. Then there was a prodigious devant sheriff be a jot the more rational ? splutter about the morals of the people, Great as is the female influence, I doubt its whereupon the gin palaces were redoubled reaching to an extent like this ; a woman in number, George Colman was appointed might wrest the drawn sword from Napoto look after our theatrical peccadillos, and leon, as formerly she had wrested it from Lord Lyndhurst, for whose talents we have the hands of Marc Antony, but to civilise the highest respect, notwithstanding this in-born vulgarity, protected by a rind of fifty vagary, resolved, that for a man to marry years' growth, or to quicken stupidity into the sister of a deceased wife was a crime; genius, are wonders beyond even her power. thus, what was not a relationship of blood Besides, is the House of Commons a mere in 1835 became so in 1836, by the mere arena for a set of talkers to show how well fiat of an individual, who had in this made they can gossip about nothing, or is it the a discovery far beyond Harvey's circula- great council of the nation? If it be the tions of the same fluid. I think, however, latter, I humbly conceive the ladies are as I could recommend some other trifles to much out of place as they would be in the the consideration of his lordship, wherein field of battle. his pre-eminent genius might render incal The Pawnbrokers.--A Mr. Manning has culable advantages to the public. But, undertaken to teach the pawnbrokers a after all, law is, and always has been, our little more honesty in their dealings; and, greatest humbug, and being bad enough in if he has not succeeded in that laudable itself, but made yet worse by its applica- design, he has at least administered, by the tion, the dispensers of it, wholesale and aid of the magistrates, some wholesome retail, act much upon the same principle castigation in the shape of fines. But the as your physicians and your surgeons, the pawnbrokers were far from kissing the rod medicus proportioning the dose to the that smote them; on the contrary, the unstrength of the patient's body, but the legal grateful varlets appealed to the quarter practitioner considering only the strength sessions, and engaged Heaven knows how of the victim's purse. If, for instance, a many gentlemen in wigs and gowns, to rich man wishes for a divorce from his prove that they had a right to take more better half, the case being sufficiently ap- than the act allowed. Adolphus talked, proved, he may obtain it; but as a man and Clarkson talked, proving to all intents without money must also be without ho- and purposes that a farthing was not a nour, and without feeling, this luxury, of farthing; and then Curwood talked to course, is denied to him. Again, if a strong prove that it was, and Jemmett talked to
VOL. X.-N0. 11.-FEBRUARY, 1837.
the same effect ; and then the magistrates Bishop intend to support his establishment, talked ;-never was so much talking to so even supposing that the nice conscience of little purpose. The Court all the time the Chamberlain is satisfied by the visible was crowded with the gentlemen of the and tangible appearance of fifty thousand three balls, who winked and nodded, and pounds ? The few who really understand looked unutterable things, while their and like opera, in the real meaning of the friends the Jews smiled upon Mr. Adol- word, are not likely to leave the King's phus as if he had been some portion of the Theatre and the Opera Buffa for anything promised land. By the bye, how happens that English talent can at present offer. In it that the chosen people have left so much the first place it is, as it always has been, of the pawnbroking trade to the Christians ? fashionable to prefer foreign to home-bred --surely it is a great oversight.
talent; in the next though it makes Bells. It is really astonishing that a set against a cause that I would willingly adof civilized beings, endowed with the gift of vocate—we have no means of competing at hearing, should have so long submitted to present with these foreign importations. this intolerable nuisance. In the morning, If Mr. Bishop avoids Charybdis on this the du
man fairly rings you out of the side, he will fall into Scylla on the other ; streets by his tintinabulary clatter; and or, in other words, in seeking to gain an this pleasant pursuit he carries on till he is English audience, he must have recourse to relieved by the postman, dunning with his an English amusement, and that is not bell for pennies. He again is followed by opera ; ibi omnis effusus labor, or, in homely the shrill tink-tink of the muffin-boys. English, he may take his labour for his Worse than all comes Sunday, when some pains. Still it is a scheme that ought to thousand bells are all in voice at the same succeed; had there been such a theatre in time, from the big bom-bom of St. Paul's Bishop's younger days, we should now have to the shrill brayings of the inferior steeples. a composer who would fairly rank with the This is really too bad : surely people know Rossinis and the Webers. their way to church as well as to the the Good and Evil.-I question much if good is atre. A bell may be requisite to lead sheep, anything else but the golden mean, while evil but it can scarcely be necessary for that en is the extreme of the same act or quality. lightened gentleman, Mr. Bull. The worst Thus health is a good; the extreme is pleof this nuisance is, that, like death, there is thora, an evil. Courage is good ; the exno escaping from it; it is the atra cura of treme again is rashness, an evil. Religion
you will it follows you, is good ; but the extreme, or superstition, except, indeed, you descend into a coal-pit is evil; and so on through all the various or a copper-mine. Talk of tithes indeed ! phases of human existence. Now, if some the poor old lady must be fed like other worthy folks would take this doctrine to heart folks ; but, as a dutiful and loving son, I and act upon it, there would be much ease to must pray her to have some mercy upon themselves as well as to their neighbours;
Dr. Morison, as he calls himself, would not The English Opera.-I use this phrase to order his patients to swallow more than a designate a thing which does not, and never hundred, or within two hundred, pills in has existed in this country, but which poor the course of the day; the gentle ComBishop is very anxious to create. For this missioners of the Insolvent Court would be purpose, three things only are wanted less liberal in dealing out their allowances a theatre, a composer, and singers. The of imprisonment to poor debtors; the Tories licenser is willing to grant a patent for the would have less obstinacy and more prufirst, whenever the applicants can raise the dence; the Whigs less talk and more sinsum of fifty thousand pounds; Bishop and cerity; the Radicals less violence and more Barnett are no doubt intended to supply patriotism ; the drinkers of gin would not the second deficiency; and the third—why exceed their three or four pints at a sitting, we must make shift for the present with and consequently their neighbours would what we have, and, in the due course of walk the streets with less danger to their time, it is to be hoped that we shall have persons ; et cætera, et cætera, to the end of our Devrients, our Grisis, and our Tam a chapter as long and as dry as the tragedy burinis. In the mean while, how does Mr. of “ Ion."
LOUISE DE LA VALLIERE.-MADAME DE GENLIS, AND
Of all the writers, ancient or modern, curing for similar fabrications. The amount with whom we are acquainted, Madame de of the mischief she accomplished in this Genlis has always appeared to us to be the way was considerable. Her stories, remost insincere and affected. Her life commended by their plausibility, their which, like Rousseau, she was shameless injurious intermixture of fact and fiction, enough to publish-developed a spirit of their dramatic vivacity, and assumption of immorality that influenced even its mi- moral feeling, were read with avidity; and nutest particulars; her writings, on the thus not only her false sentiments were contrary, are full of strained sentimentality, diffused through society, but her dangerous mawkish professions of a love of virtue, misrepresentations of historical facts. To exaggerated admiration of truth, and a a writer, so destitute of the first elements morbid enthusiasm in the defence of reli- of probity and consistency, the intrinsic gion. Nor is this all; the mistress of one repulsiveness of a subject presented no prince felt herself under a divine obligation objection, provided it had a tendency to to praise every other prince that fell within flatter the court. Having, with unblushing the reach of her pen, and accordingly we find candour, transferred to print the depravities in her books that servile adulation of roy- of her own life, she did not hesitate to alty which is most offensive to the most select from the annals of Versailles their noble order of minds. She could discover most painful and humiliating scenes, to nothing to censure in a monarch or his embellish them with meretricious eloflatterers; she knelt in degrading worship quence, and even to extol the vices that before the robe of majesty, and was well she laboured to convert into merits. The pleased to dedicate her soul to its service, guilty courtezan—the royal betrayer-were if she were but permitted to touch its painted by Madame de Genlis like fallen train. That such a woman should ever angels, whose nature, darkened in a mohave made an impression upon the reading ment of weakness, still preserved its world is a marvel : that the false morals of radiant purity in all its original freshness. her works should not have been detected It was not her province to show the pulong ago is still more inexplicable: but nishment of those pleasant sins that filled that the discrepancy between her actions the palace with unrighteous delights ; she and her writings should not have been ex- preferred casting a veil over conscience, posed, and the hypocrisy of her nature laid and exhibiting only the face of seductive bare, surprises us still more than that her smiles that, with the accustomed levity of readers should have been deceived by her professional deception, contradicted the affectation of purity. There never was agonies of the breaking heart. The histoan author who vitiated history with so ries of the mistresses of Louis XIV. were thorough a disregard for probability, who appropriate themes for so unscrupulous a openly exhibited so much contempt for genius. In the young beauty and premaauthorities that were in every body's hands, ture ruin of Louise de la Vallière, and the or who betrayed so little conscientiousness more orderly fall of Madame de Maintein attributing to public characters qua- non, she found ample excuses for the involities the very reverse of those by which cation of that erring sympathy which she they were really distinguished. Although loved to engender and awaken. She unshe cannot be said to have originated in derstood, with the accuracy of instinct, the France what is called the “ Historical Ro- whole course of their thoughts—their somance,” which existed in a higher state of phistry—their violations of rectitude in the perfection before she invaded its precincts, name of the desecrated affections—their yet the popularity of her name helped to disguise of charity—their impudent mask give a wider circulation to the fables which of religion—their repentant retirement, she published under that title than any and their theatrical sacrifices. Besides of her predecessors had succeeded in pro- there was the dissolute court-the galaxy of