chattering away-he had piled up several future fortunes out of several incipient "operations" which he had blundered into within the past week, and was now soaring along through some brilliant expectations born of late promising experiments upon the lacking ingredient of the eye-water. And at such a time Washington ought to have been a rapt and enthusiastic listener, but he was not, for two matters disturbed his mind and distracted his attention. One was, that he discovered, to his confusion and shame, that in allowing himself to be helped a second time to the turnips, he had robbed those hungry children. He had not needed the dreadful "fruit," and had not wanted it; and when he saw the pathetic sorrow in their faces when they asked for more, and there was no more to give them, he hated himself for his stupidity and pitied the famishing young things with all his heart. The other matter that disturbed him was the dire inflation that had begun in his stomach. It grew and grew, it became more and more insupportable. Evidently the turnips were "fermenting." He forced himself to sit still as long as he could, but his anguish conquered him at last.

He rose in the midst of the Colonel's talk, and excused himself on the plea of a previous engagement. The Colonel followed him to the door, promising over and over again that he would use his influence to get some of the Early Malcolms for him, and insisting that he should not be such a stranger, but come and take pot-luck with him every chance he got. Washington was glad enough to get away and feel free again. He immediately bent his steps toward home.

In bed he passed an hour that threatened to turn his hair gray, and then a blessed calm settled down upon him that filled his heart with gratitude. Weak and languid, he made shift to turn himself about and seek rest and sleep; and as his soul hovered upon the brink of unconsciousness, he heaved a long, deep sigh, and said to himself that in his heart he had cursed the Colonel's preventive of rheumatism before, and now let the plague come if it must he was done with preventives; if ever any man beguiled him with turnips and water again, let him die the death.

If he dreamed at all that night, no gossiping spirit disturbed his visions to whisper in his ear of certain matters just then in bud in the East, more than a thousand miles away, that after the lapse of a few years would develop influences which would profoundly effect the fate and fortunes of the Hawkins family.

INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN.

I HAV no politics.

was,

BY ARTEMUS WARD.

Nary a one.

I'm not in the bisniss. If I

I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite, and go home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin in the mornin'. I should go to the Poles arly. I should stay thare all day. I should see to it that my nabers was thare. I should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm and the indignant thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I should be on the look-out for the infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeck. When all was over and my candydate was elected, I should move heving & erth-so to speak-until I got orfice, which if I didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bisniss. I'm in a far more respectful bisniss nor what pollertics is. I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, "My frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that there?" They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke in my most orfullest tones, & they knowd I wasn't to be trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct.

There4, havin' no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin' he had been capting of a flat-boat on the roarin' Mississippy, I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so I sez, “Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop overboard! Shiver my timbers, my harty!" [N. B.—This is ginuine mariner langwidge. I know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theatre fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez: "Send in yer petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed, I can't. It's onpossible, sir!"

“Mr. Linkin, who do you s'pect I air?" sed I. "A orfice-seeker, to be sure!" sed he.

life.

"Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I'm the father of Twins,

and they look like me-both of them. I cum to pay a frendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. If so be you wants to see me, say so-if not, say so, & I'm orf like a jug handle." "Mr. Ward, sit down. I'm glad to see you, Sir." "Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sed one of the orfiss seekers his idee bein' to git orf a goak at my expense.

"Wall," sez I, "ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum, there'll be mity poor nussin for some of you!" whereupon Old

OFFICE SEEKERS.

Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16. Just at this pint of the conversation another swarm of orfice-seekers arove & cum pilin' into the parler. Sum wanted post offices, sum wanted collectorships, sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin. I thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises. His house and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a immegit interview with. Old Abe.

One man from Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook

me for Old Abe and addrest me as "The Prahayrie Flower of the West!" Thinks I, you want a offiss putty bad. Another man, with a gold heded cane and a red nose, told Old Abe he was "a seckind Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss West."

Sez I, "Squire, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss if you could git it, would you?"

Sez he, "a patrit is abuv them things, sir!"

"There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, ain't there, Squire?" sez I, when another crowd of offiss-seekers poured in.

The house, dooryard, barn and woodshed was now all full, and when another crowd cum, I told 'em not to go away for want of room, as the hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got into the chimney, and slid down into the parler, where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfiss-seekers from chawin' him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, and yelled: "Don't make eny pintment at the Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers. All the respectful men in our town is signers to that thare dockyment!"

"Good God!" cride Old Abe; "they cum upon me from the skize-down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the yerth!" He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin' for the toll-gateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he would hev gone sprawlin' into the fire-place if I hadn't caught him in these arms. I hadn't more'n stood him up strate before another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head strikin' me vilently agin the inards and prostratin' my voluptoous form onto the floor. "Mr. Linkin," shoutid the fatooated being, "my papers is signed by every clergyman in our town, and likewise the skoolmaster!"

But

Sez I, "You egrejis ass!" gittin' up & brushin' the dust from my eyes. "I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a little more keerful how you make my bread-basket a depot in the futer. How do you like that air perfumery?" sez I, shuving my fist under his nose. "Them's the kind of papers I'll giv you! Them's the papers you want!"

"But I workt hard for the ticket; I toiled night and day! The patrit should be rewarded!"

"Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-collar, "virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me!" He did look at "The fact is," I continued,

me, and qualed be4 my gase. lookin' round on the hungry crowd, "there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid round durin' this campane. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin' missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where eppydemics rage incessantly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd send every mother's son of you to them. What air you here for?" I continnered, warmin' up considerable; "can't you giv' Abe a minit's peace? Don't you see he's worrid

most to death? Go home, you miserable men; go home & till the sile! Go to peddlin' tinware-go to choppin' wood-go to bilin' sope-stuff sassengers-black boots-git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cart-go round as origenal Swiss Bell Ringers-becum origenal and only' Campbell Minstrels-go to lecturin' at 50 dollars a nite-imbark in the peanut bizniss— write for the Ledger-saw off your legs and go round givin' concerts, with tuchin' appeals to a charitable public printed on your handbills anything for a honest living, but don't come round here drivin' Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up! Go home. Stand not upon the order of your goin', but go to onct! Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new sixteen dollar huntin' cased watch and branishin' it before their eyes, “Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you remains on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor loose! & ef he gits among you, you'll think old Solferino has cum again, and no mistake!" You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair. They run orf as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red-hot ten-pronged pitchfork. In five minits the premises was clear.

"How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old Abe, advancin' and shakin' me warmly by the hand. "How kin I ever repay you, sir?”

"By givin' the whole country a good, sound administration. By poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South. By pursooin' a patriotic, firm and just course, and then if any State wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh!"

"How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward?" sed Abe.

"Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Showmen is devoid of politics. They hain't got any principles. They know how to cater for the public. They know what the public wants, North & South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their literary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills! Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit, fill it up with showmen, but don't call on me. The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down while there's a drop of blood in these vains! A. Linkin, I wish you well! Ef Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I scarcely think they'd sculp you; but ef you do the fair thing by your country you'll make as putty an angel as any of us! A. Linkin, use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, and all will be well! A. Linkin, adoo!"