NUMB. 115. TUESDAY, April 23, 1751.

Quædam parva quidem, fed non toleranda maritis.

Some faults, tho' fmall, intolerable grow.

Jur.

DRYDEN.

To the RAMBLER.

I

SIR,

my

late

engagement,

SIT down, in pursuance of to recount the remaining part of the adventures that befel me in my long queft of conjugal felicity, which, though I have not yet been so happy as to obtain it, I have at least endeavoured to deserve by unwearied diligence, without fuffering from repeated disappointments any abatement of my hope, or repreffion of my activity.

You must have obferved in the world a fpecies of mortals who employ themselves in promoting matrimony, and, without any visible motive of intereft or vanity, without any discoverable impulfe of malice or benevolence, without any reafon, but that they want objects of attention and topicks of conversation, are inceffantly bufy in procuring wives and hufbands. They fill the ears of every single man and woman with some convenient match, and when they are informed of your age and fortune, offer a partner of life with the fame readiness, and the fame indifference, as a salesman, when he has taken measure by his eye, fits his cuftomer with a coat.

It might be expected that they should foon be difcouraged from this officious interpofition by refent

ment

ment or contempt; and that every man fhould determine the choice on which fo much of his happinefs must depend, by his own judgment and obfervation yet it happens, that as thefe propofals are generally made with a fhew of kindness, they feldom provoke anger, but are at worst heard with patience, and forgotten. They influence weak minds to approbation; for many are fure to find in a new acquaintance, whatever qualities report has taught them to expect; and in more powerful and active understandings they excite curiofity, and fometimes, by a lucky chance, bring perfons of fimilar tempers within the attraction of each other.

I was known to poffefs a fortune, and to want a wife; and therefore was frequently attended by these hymeneal folicitors, with whofe importunity I was sometimes diverted, and fometimes perplexed; for they contended for me as vultures for a carcafe; each employing all his eloquence, and all his artifices, to enforcé and promote his own scheme, from the fuccefs of which he was to receive no other advantage than the pleasure of defeating others equally eager, and equally industrious.

An invitation to fup with one of those bufy friends, made me by a concerted chance acquainted with Camilla, by whom it was expected, that I fhould be fuddenly and irresistibly enflaved. The lady, whom the fame kindness had brought without her own concurrence into the lifts of love, seemed to think me at least worthy of the honour of captivity; and exerted the power, both of her eyes and wit, with fo much art and spirit, that though I had been too often deceived by appearances to devote myself irrevocably

at the first interview, yet I could not suppress some raptures of admiration, and flutters of defire. I was eafily perfuaded to make nearer approaches; but foon difcovered, that an union with Camilla was not much to be wifhed. Camilla profeffed a boundless contempt for the folly, levity, ignorance, and impertinence of her own fex; and very frequently expreffed her wonder that men of learning or experience could fubmit to trifle away life with beings incapable of folid thought. In mixed companies, fhe always affociated with the men, and declared her fatisfaction when the ladies retired. If any fhort excurfion into the country was propofed, fhe commonly infifted upon the exclufion of women from the party; becaufe, where they were admitted, the time was wafted in frothy compliments, weak indulgences, and idle ceremonies. To fhew the greatness of her mind, fhe avoided all compliance with the fashion; and to boast the profundity of her knowledge, miftook the various textures of filk, confounded tabbies with damasks, and fent for ribbands by wrong names. She defpifed the commerce of stated vifits, a farce of empty form without inftruction; and congratulated herself, that she never learned to write meflage cards. She often applauded the noble fentiment of Plato, who rejoiced that he was born a man rather than a woman; proclaimed her approbation of Swift's opinion, that women are only a higher fpecies of monkies; and confeffed, that when fhe confidered the behaviour, or heard the converfation, of her fex, fhe could not but forgive the Turks for fufpecting them to want fouls.

It was the joy and pride of Camilla to have provoked, by this infolence, all the rage of hatred, and

all

all the perfecutions of calumny; nor was fhe ever more elevated with her own fuperiority, than when fhe talked of female anger, and female cunning. Well, fays fhe, has nature provided that fuch virulence should be difabled by folly, and fuch cruelty be reftrained by impotence..

Camilla doubtless expected, that what she lost on one fide, fhe fhould gain on the other; and imagined that every male heart would be open to a lady, who made fuch generous advances to the borders of virility. But man, ungrateful man, instead of springing forward to meet her, fhrunk back at her approach. She was perfecuted by the ladies as a deferter, and at best received by the men only as a fugitive. I, for my part, amused myself a while with her fopperies, but novelty foon gave way to deteftation, for nothing out of the common order of nature can be long borne. I had no inclination to a wife who had the ruggedness of a man without his force, and the ignorance of a woman without her foftnefs; nor could I think my quiet and honour to be entrusted to fuch audacious virtue as was hourly courting danger, and foliciting affault.

My next miftrefs was Nitella, a lady of gentle. mien, and foft voice, always fpeaking to approve, and ready to receive direction from those with whom chance had brought her into company. In Nitella I promised myfelf an easy friend, with whom I might loiter away the day without disturbance or altercation. I therefore foon refolved to addrefs her, but was difcouraged from profecuting my courtship, by obferving, that her apartments were fuperftitiously regular; and that, unless she had notice of my visit,

fhe

fhe was never to be feen. There is a kind of anxious cleanliness which I have always noted as the characteriftick of a flattern; it is the fuperfluous fcrupulofity of guilt, dreading discovery, and fhunning fufpicion: it is the violence of an effort against habit, which being impelled by external motives, cannot stop at the middle point.

Nitella was always tricked out rather with nicety than elegance; and feldom could forbear to discover, by her uneafinefs and constraint, that her attention was burdened, and her imagination engroffed: I therefore concluded, that being only occafionally and ambitiously dreffed, fhe was not familiarized to her own ornaments. There are so many competitors for the fame of cleanliness, that it is not hard to gain information of those that fail, from those that defire to excel: I quickly found, that Nitella paffed her time between finery and dirt; and was always in a wrapper, nightcap, and flippers, when fhe was not decorated for immediate fhew.

I was then led by my evil destiny to Charybdis, who never neglected an opportunity of feizing a new prey when it came within her reach. I thought myfelf quickly made happy by permiffion to attend her to publick places; and pleased my own vanity with imagining the envy which I should raise in a thoufand hearts, by appearing as the acknowledged favourite of Charybdis. She foon after hinted her intention to take a ramble for a fortnight, into a part of the kingdom which fhe had never feen. I folicited the happiness of accompanying her, which, after a short reluctance, was indulged me. She had no other curiofity in her journey, than after all poffible means of expence ;