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haviour of this petitioner, pronounces the said Jeffery Groggram a live man, and will not suffer that he should bury himself out of modesty ; but requires him to remain among the living, as an example to those obstinate dead men, who will neither labour for life, nor go to their grave.
N. B. Mr. Groggram is the first person that has come in upon Mr. Bickerstaff's dead warrant. *++Florinda demands, by her letter of this day, to be allowed to pass for a living woman, having danced the Derbyshire Hornpipe in the presence of several friends on Saturday last.
Granted; provided she can bring proof, that she can make a pudding on the twenty-fourth instant.
No 107. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1799.
- Ah miser!
HOR. 1. Od. xxvii. 20.
And have her flames possess'd
Thy burning breast?
CREECH. Sheer-lane, December 14. About four this afternoon, which is the hour I usually put myself in a readiness to receive company, there entered a gentleman, who I believed at first came upon some ordinary question: but, as he
approached nearer to me, I saw in his countenance a deep sorrow, mixed with a certain ingenuous complacency, that gave me sudden good-will towards him. He stared, and betrayed an absence of thought, as he was going to communicate his business to me. But at last, recovering himself, he said with an air of great respect, “ Sir, it would be an injury to your knowledge in the occult sciences, to, tell you what is my distress; I dare say, you read it in my countenance: I, therefore, beg your advice to the most unhappy of all men.” Much experience has made me particularly sagacious in the discovery of distempers, and I soon saw that his was love. I then turned to my common-place-book, and found bis case under the word Coquette; and reading over the catalogue which I have collected out of this great city of all under that character, I saw at the name of Cynthia his fit came upon him. I repeated the name thrice after a musing manner, and immediately perceived his pulse quicken two thirds; when his eyes, instead of the wildness with which they appeared at his entrance, looked with all the gentleness imaginable upon me, not without tears. to Oh! Sir," said he, “ you know not the unworthy usage I have met with from the woman my soul doats on. I could gaze at her to the end of my being: yet when I have done so, for some time past, I have found her eyes fixed on another. She is now two-and-twenty, in the full tyranny of her charms, which she once acknowledged she rejoiced in, only as they made her choice of me, out of a crowd of admirers, the more obliging. But in the midst of this happiness, so it is, Mr. Bickerstaff, that young Quickset, who is just come to town, without any other recommendation than that of being tolerably handsome, and excessively rich, has
won her heart in so shameless a manner, that she dies for him. In a word, I would consult you, how to cure myself of this passion for an ungrateful woman, who triumphs in her falsehood, and can make no man happy, because her own satisfaction consists chiefly in being capable of giving distress. I know Quickset is at present considerable with her, for no other reason but that he can be without her, and feel no pain in the loss. Let me, therefore, desire you, Sir, to fortify my reason against the levity of an inconstant, who ought only to be treated with neglect." ;
All this time I was looking over my receipts, and asked him, “ if he had any good winter boots--" '" Boots, Sir!” said my patient- I went on; “ You may easily reach Harwich in a day, so as to be there when the packet goes off.”—“Sir," said the lover, “ I find you design me for travelling; but, alas! I have no language, it will be the same thing to me as solitude, to be in a strange country. I have,” continued he, sighing, “ been many years in love with this creature, and have almost lost even my English, at least to speak such as any body else does. I asked a tenant of ours, who came up to town the other day with rent, whether the flowery mead near my father's house in the country had any shepherd in it? I have called a cave a grotto these three years, and must keep ordinary company, and. frequent busy people for some time, before I can recover my common words.” I smiled at his raillery upon himself, though I well saw it came from a heavy heart. “You are,” said I, “ acquainted, to be sure, with some of the general officers: suppose you made a campaign?”-“If I did,” said he, « I should venture more than any man there, for I should be in danger of starving; my father is such an untoward old gentleman, that he would tell me
he found it hard enough to pay his taxes towards the war, without making it more expensive by an allow. ance to me. With all this, he is as fond as he is rugged, and I am his only son."
I looked upon the young gentleman with much tenderness, and not like a physician, but a friend; for I talked to him so largely, that if I had parcelled my discourse into distinct prescriptions, I am confident, I gave him two hundred pounds worth of advice. He heard me with great attention, bowing, smiling, and showing all other instances of that natural good breeding which ingenuous tem. pers pay to those who are elder and wiser than themselves. I entertained him to the following purpose: “ I am sorry, Sir, that your passion is of so long a date, for evils are much more curable in their beginnings; but at the same time must allow, that you are not to be blamed, since your youth and merit has been abused by one of the most charm. ing, but the most unworthy sort of women, the coquettes. A coquette is a chaste jilt, and differs only from a common one, as a soldier, who is perfect in exercise, does from one that is actually in service. This grief, like all others, is to be cured only by time; and although you are convinced this moment as much as you will be ten years hence, that she ought to be scorned and neglected, you see you must not expect your remedy from the force of reason. The cure then is only in time, and the hastening of the cure only in the manner of employing that time. You have answered me as to travel and a campaign, so that we have only Greats Britain to avoid her in. Be then yourself, and listen to the following rules, which only can be of use to you in this unaccountable distemper, wherein the patient is often averse even to his recovery. It has been of benefit to some to apply themselves to business ; but as that may not lay in your way, go down to your estate, mind your fox-hounds, and tenture the life you are weary of, over every hedge and ditch in the country. These are wholesome remedies; but if you can have resolution enough, ra. ther stay in town, and recover yourself even in the town where she inhabits. Take particular care to avoid all places where you may possibly meet her, and shun the sight of every thing which may bring her to your remembrance; there is an infection in all that relates to her: you will find, her house, her chariot, her domestics, and her very lap-dog, are so many instruments of torment. Tell me se. riously, do you think you could bear the sight of her fan?" He shook his head at the question, and said, “ Ah! Mr. Bickerstaff, you must have been a patient, or you could not have been so good a phy. sician.”_" To tell you truly,” said I, “ about the thirtieth year of my age, I received a wound that has still left a scar in my mind, never to be quite worn out by time or philosophy.
“ The means, which I found the most effectual for my cure were reflexions upon the ill-usage I had received from the woman I loved, and the pleasure I saw her take in my sufferings.
" I considered the distress she brought upon me the greatest that could befal an human creature; at the same time that she did not inflict this upon one who was her enemy, one that had done her an injury, one that had wished her ill; but on the man who loved her more than any else loved her, and more than it was possible for him to love any other person.
• In the next place, I took pains to consider her in all her imperfections; and that I might be sure to hear of them constantly, kept company with those