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Blunt. Or may I perish whilst I am swearing it. Care. That is, with myrmidons. -Come, good

Anne, no more delay; fåll on.
Enter 'Prentice.

Ruth. Then, before the furious Abelapproaches, Lieu. How now, Jack ?

with his red-coats, who, perhaps, are now march'Pren. O, master, undone! Here's Mr Day ing under the conduct of that expert captain in the committee-man, and his fierce wife, come in- weighty matters, know, the articles of our treaty to the shop. Mrs Chat brought them in, and are only these :-this Arbella will keep her estate, they say they will come up:-they know that and not marry Abel, but this gentleman; and I Mrs Arbella and their daughter Ruth are here. Anne, daughter to Sir Basil Thoroughgood, and Deny 'em, if you dare, they say.

not Ruth, as has been thought, have taken my Lieu. Go down, boy, and tell 'em I am coming own estate, together with this gentleman, for to’em.[ Exit 'Prentice.) This pure jade, iny neigh- better for worse. We were modest, though bour Chat, has betrayed us. What shall I do? I thieves; only plundered our own. warrant the rascal has soldiers at his heels.--I Mrs Day. Yes, gentlewoman, you took some think I could help the colonels out at a back-door. thing else, and that my husband can prove: it

Blant. I'd die rather by my Arbella. Now, may cost you your necks, if you do not submit. you shall see I love you.

Ruth. Truth on't is, we did take something Care. Nor will I, Charles, forsake you, Annice. else. Ruth. Come, be cheerful; I'll defend you all Mrs Day. Oh! did


so? against the assaults of Captain Day and Major-ge- Ruth. Pray give me leave to speak one word neral Day, his new drawn-up wife. Give me my in private with my father Day. ammunition,– [TOARBELLA) the papers, woman. Mr Day. Do so, do so : are you going to comSo, if I do not rout 'em, fall on; let's all die to-pound? Oh ! 'tis father Day now! gether, and make no more graves but one. Ruth. D'ye hear, sir ? how long is it since you

Blunt. 'Slife! I love her now, for all she has have practised physic? [ Takes him aside. jeer'd me so.

Mr Day. Physic! what d'ye mean? Ruth. Go fetch him in, lieutenant. (Exit Lieu Ruth. I mean physic.-Look ye, here's a small tenant.) Stand you all drawn up as iny reserve- prescription of yours. D'ye know this hand-wri$0–1 for the forlorn hope.

ting? Care. That we had Teague here, to quarrel Mr Day. I am undone. with the female triumphing Day, whilst I threw Ruth. Here's another, upon the same subject. the male Day out of the window ! Hark, I hear This yoang one, I believe, came into this wicked the troop marching; I know the she Day's stamp, world for want of your preventing dose; it will among the tramples of a regiment.

not be taken now neither. It seems your wenches, Arb. They come, wench; charge 'em bravely; are wilful; nay, I do not wonder to see 'em have I'll second thee with a volley.

more conscience than you have. Ruth. They'll not stand the first charge; fear Mr Day. Peace, good Mrs Anne! I am unnot :--now the Day breaks.

done, if you betray me. Care. Would ’twere his neck were broke.

Enter ABEL ; goes to his Father.
Enter Mr Day and Mrs Day.

Abel. The soldiers are come.
Mrs Day. Ah ha! my fine runaways, have Mr Day. Go and send 'cm away, Abel; here's
I found you? What, you think my husband's ho- no need, no need, now.
nour lives without intelligence. Marry, come up! Mrs Day. Are the soldiers come, Abel ?

Mr Day. My duck tells you how 'tis-We- Abel. Yes, but my father biddeth me send them

Mrs Day. Why, then, let your duck tell’em how away. 'tis.-Yet, as I was saying, you shall perceive we Mr Day. No, not withont your opinion, duck; abound in intelligence, else 'twere not for us to but since they have but their own, I think, duck, go about to keep the nation quiet:—but if you, if we were all friendsMrs. Arbella, will deliver up what you have Mrs Day. O! are you at your ifs again !-d’you stolen, and submit, and return with us, and this think they shall make a fool of me, though they ungracious Ruth

make an ass of you ?-Call 'em up, Abel,

if they Rath. Anne, if you please.

will not submit; call up the soldiers, Abel. Mrs Day. Who gave you that name, pray ? Ruth. Why, your fierce honour shall know the

Ruth. My godfathers and godmothers :-on, business that makes the wise Mr Day inclinable forsooth ; I can answer a leaf farther.

to friendship. 3r Day. Duck, good duck, a word: I do not Mr Day. Nay, good sweetheart, come, I pray like this name Annice.

let us be friends. Alrs Day. You are ever in a fright, with a Mrs Day. How's this! What, am I not fit to shrivelld heart of your own.-Well, gentlewo be trusted now ? Have you built your credit and man, you are merry.

reputation upon my counsel and labours, and am Arb. As newly come out of our wardships.-II not fit now to be trusted ? hope Mr Abel is well.

Air Day. Nay, good sweet duck, I confess I Mrs Day. Yes, he is well : you shall see him owe all to thy wisdom.

Good gentlemen, perpresently; yes, you shall see biin.

suade my duck that we may be all friends.

Care. Hark you, good Gillian Day, be not so Care. No, good Teague, there's no need of thy fierce upon the husband of thy bosom :-—'twas but message now :-But why dost thou lead Obadiah a small start of frailty : say it were awench, or so! thus ?

Ruth. As I live, he has hit upon't by chance. Teague. Well, I will hang him presently, that Now we shall have sport.

(Aside. I will. Look you here, Mrs Tay; here's your Mrs Day. How, a wench, a wench! out upon man Obadiah, do you see? he would not let me the hypocrite. A wench! was not I sufficient? make him drunk, so I did take him in this string, Awench!- I'll be reveng'd; let him be ashamed, if and I am going to choke him by the throat. he will.-Call the soldiers, Abel.

Blunt. Honest Teague, thy master is beholden Care. Stay, good Abel; march not off' so has to thee, in some measure, for his liberty. tily.

Care. Teague, I shall requite thy honesty. Arb. Soft, gentle Abel, or I'll discover you are Teague. Well, shall I hang him then? It is a in bonds; you shall never be releas’d if you move rogue, now, who would not be drunk for the king. a step

Ob. I do beseech you, gentlemen, let me not Ruth. D’ye hear, Mrs Day, be not so furious; be brought unto death. hold your peace; you may divulge your husband's

Teague. You shall be brought to the gallows, shame, if you are so simple, and cast him out of you thief o' the world. authority, nay, and have him tried for his life :- Care. No, poor Teague, 'tis enough; we are read this. Remember too, I know of your bri- all friends. Come, let him go. bery and cheating, and something else : you guess. Teague. Are you all friends ? Then, here, little Be friends, and forgive one another. Here's a Obid, take the string, and go and hang yourself. letter counterfeited from the king, to bestow pre- Cure. D'ye hear, my friend; (To the Musician] ferment upon Mr Day if he would turn honest;

are any of your companions with you? by which means, I suppose, you cozen’d your Mus. Yes, sir. brother cheats; in which he was to remember Cure. As I live, we'll all dance; it shall be his service to you. I believe 'twas your inditing. the celebration of our weddings. Nay, Mr Day, You are the committee-man. 'Tis your best way as we hope to continue friends, you and your (nay, never demur) to kiss, and be friends. Now, duck shall trip it too. if you can contrive handsomely to cozen those Teague. Ay, by my shoul will we: Obadiah that cozen all the world, and get these gentle shall be my woman too, and you shall dance for men to come by their estates easily, and with the king, that you shall. out taking the covenant, the old sum of five hun- Cure. Go, and strike up then :--no chiding now, dred pounds, that I used to talk of, shall be yours Mrs Day. Come, you must not be refractory for yet. Mrs Day. We will endeavour.

Mrs Day. Well, husband, since these gentle. Ruth. Come, Mrs Arbella, pray let's all be men will have it so, and that they may perceive friends.

we are friends, dance. Arb. With all my heart.

Blunt. Now, Mr Day, to your business ; get Ruth. Brother Abel, the bird is flown; but you it done as soon as you will, the five hundred shall be released from your bonds.

pounds shall be ready. Abel. I bear my afflictions as I may.

Care. So, friends :—thanks, honest Teague ; Enter TEAGUE, leading OBADIAH in a Halter, Mrs Annice, I hope you and I may agree about

thou shalt flourish in a new livery for this. Now, and a Musician.

kissing, and compound every way. Now, Mr Teague. What is this now? Who are you? Day, Well, are not you Mrs Tay? Well, I will tell

will have good luck in every thing, her what I should say now ! Shall I then? I will Turn cavalier, and cry, God bless the king. try if I cannot laugh too, as I did, or think of the

[Excunt omnes. mustard-pot.


if you


But now the greatest thing is left to do,
More just committee, to compound with you;
For, till your equal censures shall be known,
The poet's under sequestration;
Je has no title to his small estate
Of wit, unless you please to set the rate.
Accept this half year's purchase of his wit,
For in the compass of that time 'twas writ:

Not that this is enough; he'll pay you more,
If you yourselves believe him not too poor:
For 'tis your judgments give him wealth ; in this
He's just as rich as you believe he is.
Would all committees could have done like.

Made men more rich, and by their payments






PROLOGUE. We might well call this short mock-play of ours, Now, critics, do your worst, that here are met; A posie made of weeds instead of flowers; For, like a rook, I have hedgʻd in my bet : Yet such have been presented to your noses,


you approve, I shall assume the state And there are such, I fear, who thought'em roses. Of those high-flyers whom I imitate ; Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night, And justly too ; for I will teach you more What stuff it is in which they took delight. Than ever they would let you know before : Here brisk, insipid rogues, for wit, let fall I will not only shew the feats they do, Sometimes dull sense, but oft'ner none at all : But give you all their reasons for 'em too. There strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train, Some honour may to me from hence arise: Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses vein. But if, by my endeavours, you grow wise, For (changing rules, of late, as if men writ And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise, In spite of reason, nature, art, and wit,) Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage, Our poets make us laugh at tragedy,

'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage. And with their comedies they make us cry.


Two Kings of BRENTFORD.

Two Heralds.
Four Cardinals.



Attendance of Men and Women.


him to you.

an ass.

John. Gad so! this is an author: I'll go fetch

Smi. No, pr’ythee let him alone.

John. Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him.-
John. Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee

[Goes afler him. with all my heart. How long hast thou been in Here he is; I have caught him.-Pray, sir, now, town?

for my sake, will you do a favour to this friend of Smi. Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had mine? not met you here, I had gone to look you out ; Bayes. Sir, it is not within my small capacity for I long to talk with you freely, of all the strange to do favours, but receive 'em, especially from a new things we have heard in the country. person that does wear the honourable title you

John. And, by my troth, I have long'd as much are pleas'd to impose, sir, upon this — Sweet to laugh with you, at all the impertinent, dull, fan- sir, your servant. tastical things, we are tir'd out with here.

Smi. Your humble servant, sir. Smi. Dull and fantastic! that's an excellent John. But wilt thou do me a favour, now? composition.- Pray, what are our men of busi- Buyes. Ay, sir : What is't? ness doing?

John. Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last John. I ne'er enquire after 'em. Thou know play. est my humour lies another way. I love to please Bayes. How, sir, the meaning ? Do you mean myself as much, and to trouble others as little as

the płot? I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the com- John. Ay, ay; any thing. pany of those solemn fops, who, being incapable Bayes. Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are my head ; but I have a new one in my pocket, always looking grave, and troubling one another, that I may say is a virgin ; 't has never yet been in hopes to be thought men of business. blown upon. I must tell you one thing. - 'Tis all

Smi. Indeed I have ever observ'd that your new wit, and, though I say it, a better than my grave lookers are the dullest of men.

last; and you know well enough how that took. John. Ay, and of birds and beasts too: Your In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, gravest bird is an owl, and your gravest beast is and shew, ay, and pit, box, and gallery, 'egad,

with any play in Europe. This morning is its Smi. Well; but how dost thou pass thy time? last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it

John. Why, as I use to do; eat, drink as well is to be acted; and if you and your friend will do as I can, have a she-friend to be private with in it but the honour to see it in its virgin attire, the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not be there are such things, Frank ! such hideous, mon- asham’d to discover its nakedness unto you-I strous things, that it has almost made me forswear think it is in this pocket. the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid

[Puts his hand in his pocket. nonsense of your men of business, as the more John. Sir, I confess I am not able to answer ingenious pastime.

you in this new way; but if you please to lead, I Smi. I have heard, indeed, you have had lately shall be glad to follow you; and I hope my friend many new plays; and our country wits commend will do so too.

Smi. Sir, I have no business so considerable John. Ay, so do some of our city wits too ; but as should keep me from your company. they are of the new kind of wits.

Bayes. Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy! Šmi. New kind! what kind is that?

This is my book of Drama Common-places; the John. Why, your virtuosi, your civil persons, mother of many other plays. your drolls; fellows that scorn to imitate nature, John. Drama Common-places! Pray what's but are given altogether to elevate and surprise. that?

Smi. Elevate and surprise ! pr’ythee nrake me Bayes. Why, sir, some certain helps, that we understand the meaning of that.

men of art have found it convenient to make use John. Nay, by my troth ; that's a hard matter; of. I don't understand that myself:—'Tis a phrase Smi. Ilow, sir, helps for wit ? they have got among them, to express their no Buyes. Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do bere meaning by. i'll tell you, as near as I can, what aver, that no man yet the sun e'er shone upon it is. Let me see:- 'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, except rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, crying, and every it were by the help of these my rules. thing, but thinking and sense.

John. What are those rules, I pray ?

Bayes. Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of Mr BAYES pusses ocer the Stage.

transversion, or regula dupler ; changing verse Bayes. Your most obsequious and most obser- into prose, or prose into verse, alternative, as you vant very humble servant, sir.



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Smi. Well; but how is this done by rule, sir ? them before the end of the first act: now, here,

Bayes. Why, thus, sir; nothing so easy, when every line surprises you, and brings in matter. understood ! I take a book in my hand, either at And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be 'em quite down, all that ever went before us: and any wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I those are the things, you know, that are essentransverse it; that is, if it be prose, put it into tial to a play. verse, (but that takes up some time,) and if it be 2d Play. Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so verse, put it into prose.

it gets us money, 'tis no great matter. John. Methinks, Mr Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be call'd transprosing.

Enter BAYES, JOHNSON, and Smith. Bayes. By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good no- Bayes. Come, come in, gentlemen. Y’are very tion, and hereafter it shall be so.

welcome. Mr ha' you your part ready? Smi. Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then? 1st Play. Yes, sir.

Bayes. Make it my own. 'Tis so chang'd that Bayes. But do you understand the true humour no man can know it. - My next rule is the rule of it? of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe. 1st Play. Ay, sir, pretty well. John. We hear you, sir; go on.

Bayes. And Amarillis, how does she do? Does Bayes. As thus :- I come into a coffee-house, or not her armour become her? some other place where witty men resort ; I make 3d Play. O, admirably! as if I minded nothing ; (do you mark ?) but as Bayes. l'll tell you, now, a pretty conceit. soon as any one speaks, pop 1 slap it down, and What do you think I'll make 'em call her anon, make that, too, my own.

in this play? John. But, Mr Bayes, are you not some time in Smi. What, I pray? danger of their making you restore, by force, what Bayes. Why, I make 'em call her Armarillis, you have gotten thus by art?

because of her armour ; ha, ha, ha! Bayes. No, sir ; the world's unmindful: they John. That will be very well, indeed. never take notice of these things.

Bayes. Ay, it's a pretty little rogue; I knew Sai. But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your her face would set ofi' armour extremely; and, other rules, have you no one rule for invention? to tell you true, I writ that part only for her.

Bayes. Yes, sir, that's my third rule, that I have You must know she is my mistress. here in my pocket.

John. Then I know another thing, little Bayes, Smi. What rule can that be, I wonder! - that thou hast had her, 'egad.

Bayes. Why, sir, when I have any thing to in- Bayes. No, 'egad, not yet; but I am sure I vent, I never trouble my head about it, as other shall; for I have talk'd bawdy to her already. men do, but presently turn over this book, and John. Hast thou, faith? Pr’ythee how was there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Mon- that? taigne, Seneca's Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Buyes. Why, sir, there is, in the French tongue, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the rest, a certain criticism, which, by the variation of the have ever thought upon this subject : and so, in masculine adjective instead of the feminine, makes a trice, by leaving out a few words, or putting in a quite different signification of the word; as, for others of my own, the business is done.

example, ma vie is my life; but if, before vie you John. Indeed, Mr Bayes, this is as sure and put mon instead of ma, you make it bawdy, compendious a way of wit as ever I heard of. John. Very true.

Bayes. Sirs, if you make the least scruple of Bayes. Now, sir, I, having observ'd this, set a the efficacy of these my rules, do but come to trap for her, the other day, in the tyring-room; the play-house, and you shall judge of 'em by for this said I: Adieu, bel esperansa de ma vie ; the effects.

(which, 'egad, is very pretty :) to which she anSmi. We'll follow you, sir. (Exeunt. swer’d, I vow, almost as prettily every jot; for

said she, Songez a ma vie, monsieur ; whereupon Enter three Players upon the Stage.

I presently snapp'd this upon her:- Non, non, 1st Play. Have you your part perfect ? madam-Songez vous a mon, by gad; and nam’d

2d Play. Yes, I have it without book; but I the thing directly to her. don't understand how it is to be spoken.

Smi. This is one of the richest stories, Mr 3d Play. And mine is such a one, as I cann't Bayes, that ever I heard of. guess, for my life, what humour I'm to be in; Bayes. Ay, let me alone, 'egad, when I get to whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I l'em; I'll nick 'em, I warrant you': But I'm a lit, don't know what to make on't.

tle nice; for you must know, at this time, I am Ist Play. Pho! the author will be here pre- kept by another woman, in the city. sently, and he'll tell us all. You must know, this Smi. How kept ? for what? is the new way of writing; and these hard things Bayes. Why, for a beau garçon : I am, i’fackins. please forty times better than the old plain way; Smi. Nay, then we shall never have done. lor, look you, sir, the grand design upon the Bayes. And the rogue is so fond of me, Mc stage is, to keep the auditors in suspense; for Johnson, that I vow to gad, I know not what ta to guess presently at the plot and the sense, tires do with myself,

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