ber perfumed with his tarpaulin Brandenburgh, and hear volleys of brandy sighs, enough to make a fog in one's room. Foh! I hate a lover that smells like Thames street. Man. I can bear no longer, and need hear no more. [Aside.] But, since you have these two pulvilio boxes, these essence bottles, this pair of musk-cats here, I hope I may venture to come yet nearer you. Oliv. Over-heard us then? Nov. I hope he heard me not. [Aside. L. Plau. Most noble and heroic captain, your most oblig'd, faithful, humble servant. Nov. Dear tar, thy humble servant. Oliv. Nay, I think I have fitted you for list'ning. [Thrusts NOVEL and PLAUSIBLE on each side. Man. You have fitted me, for believing you could not be fickle, though you were young; could not dissemble love, though it was your interest; nor be vain, though you were handsome; nor break your promise, though to a parting lover; nor abuse your best friend, though you had wit: but I take not your contempt of me worse than your esteem or civility of these things here, though you know 'em. Nov. Things! L. Plau. Let the captain rally a little. Man. Yes, things.-Canst thou be angry, thou thing? [Coming up to NOVEL. Nov. No, since my lord says you speak in raillery; for though your sea-raillery be something rough, yet, I confess, we use one another too as bad every day at Locket's, and never quarrel for the matter. L. Plau. Nay, noble captain, be not angry with him.-A word with you, I beseech you [Whisp. to MANLY. Oliv. Well, we women, like the rest of the cheats of the world, when our cullies or creditors have found us out, and will, or can trust no longer, pay debts and satisfy obligations with a quarrel, the kindest present a man can make to his mistress, when he can make no more presents; for oftentimes, in love, as at cards, we were forc'd to play foul, only to give over the game; and use our lovers like the cards,-when we can get no more by 'em, throw 'em up in a pet, upon the first dispute. [Aside. Man. My lord, all that you have made me know by your whispering, which I knew not before, is, that you have a stinking breath:-there's a secret for your secret. L. Plau. Pshaw! pshaw! Man. But, madam, tell me, pray, what was't about this spark could take you? Was it the merit of his fashionable impudence, the briskness of his noise, the wit of his laugh, his judgment or fancy in his garniture; or was it a well-trimm'd glove, or the scent of it, that charm'd you? Nov. Very well, sir. 'Gad, these sea-captains make nothing of dressing: but let me tell you, sir, a man by his dress, as much as by any thing, shews his wit and judgment, nay, and his courage Free. How! his courage, Mr Novel? Nov. Why, for example, by red breeches, tuck'dup hair and peruke, a greasy broad-belt, and, nowa-days, a short sword. Man. Thy courage will appear more by thy belt than thy sword, I dare swear.Then, madam, for this gentle piece of courtesy, this man of tame honour, what could you find in him? Was it his languishing affected tone, his mannerly look, his second-hand flattery, the refuse of the playhouse tyring-rooms; or his slavish obsequiousness, in watching at the door of your box at the playhouse, for your hand to your chair; or his jauntee way of playing with your fan; or was it the gunpowder spot on his hand, or the jewel in his ear, that purchas'd your heart? Oliv. Good jealous captain, no more of your― L. Plau. No, let him go on, madam, for perhaps he may make you laugh; and I would contribute to your pleasure any way. Man. Gentle rogue! Oliv. No, noble captain, you cannot, sure, think any thing could take me more than that heroic title of yours, captain; for you know we women love honour inordinately. Nov. Ha, ha! faith, she is with thee, bully, for thy raillery. Mun. Faith, so shall I be with you, no bully, for your grinning. [Aside to NOVEL. Oliv. Then that noble, lion-like mien of yours, that soldier-like, weather-beaten complexion, and that manly roughness of your voice, how can they otherwise than charm us women, who hate effeminacy! Nov. Ha, ha! Faith, I cann't hold from laughing. Man. Nor shall I from kicking, anon. [Aside to NOVEL. Oliv. And then that captain-like carelessness in your dress, but especially your scarf; 'twas just such another, only a little higher ty'd, made me in love with my tailor as he pass'd by my window the last training-day; for we women adore a martial man, and you have nothing wanting to make you more one, or more agreeable, but a wooden leg. L. Plau. Nay, i'faith, there your ladyship was a wag, and it was fine, just, and well rallied. Nov. Ay, ay, madam, with you ladies, too, martial men must needs be very killing. Man. Peace, you Bartholomew-fair buffoons! and be not you vain that these laugh on your side, for they will laugh at their own dull jests: but no more of 'em; for I will only suffer now this lady to be witty and merry. Óliv. You would not have your panegyric interrupted? I go on, then, to your humour. Is there any thing more agreeable than the pretty sullenness of that, than the greatness of your courage? which most of all appears in your spirit of contradiction; for you dare give all mankind the lic: and your opinion is your only mistress; for you renounce that too, when it becomes another man's. Nov. Hah, hah! I cannot hold; I must laugh at thee, tar, faith! L. Plau. And, i'faith, dear captain, I beg your pardon, and leave to laugh at you too, though, I protest, I mean you no hurt; but when a lady rallies, a stander-by must be complaisant, and do her reason in laughing. Ha, ha! Man. Why, you impudent, pitiful wretches, you presume, sure, upon your effeminacy to urge me; for you are in all things so like women, that you may think it in me a kind of cowardice to beat you. Oliv. No hectoring, good captain. Man. Or, perhaps, you think this lady's presence secures you: But have a care: she has talk'd herself out of all the respect I had for her, and by using me ill before you, has given me a privilege of using you so before her; but if you would preserve your respect to her, and not be beaten before her, go, be gone immediately. Nov. Be gone! What? L. Plau. Nay, worthy, noble, generous captain! Nov. Be gone again! to us be gone! [MANLY puts 'em out of the room: NOVEL Free. But now you talk of restoring, captain, there are other things which, next to one's heart, one would not part with; I mean your jewels and money, which, it seems, she has, sir. Man. What's that to you, sir? Free. Pardon me :-Whatsoever is yours, I have a share in't, I'm sure, which I will not lose for asking, though you may be too generous, or too angry now to do't yourself. Fid. Nay, then I'll make bold to make claim [Both going towards OLIVIA. Man. Hold, you impertinent, officious fopsHow have I been deceiv'd! [Aside. Free. Madam, there are certain appurtenances to a lover's heart, call'd jewels, which always go along with it. too. Fid. And which, with lovers, have no value in themselves, but from the heart they come with:our captain's, madam, it seems you scorn to keep, and much more will those worthless things without it, I am confident. Oliv. A gentleman so well made as you are may be confident-us easy women could not deny you any thing you ask, if 'twere for yourself; but since 'tis for another, I beg your leave to struts, PLAUSIBLE cringes. give him my answer. An agreeable young felNov. Well, madam, we'll go make the cards low this!- -And would not be my aversion! ready in your bed-chamber: sure you will not [Aside.] Captain, your young friend here has a stay long with him. [Exeunt PLAUS. and Nov. very persuading face, I confess; yet you might Oliv. Turn hither your rage, good Captain have ask'd me yourself for those trifles you Swagger-huff, and be saucy with your mistress, with me, which, (hark you a little, for I dare like a true captain; but be civil to your rivals and trust you with the secret; you are a man of so betters, and do not threaten any thing but me much honour, I'm sure,) I say, then, not expecthere; no, not so much as my windows; nor doing your return, or hoping ever to see you again, not think yourself in the lodgings of one of your I have deliver'd your jewels to suburb mistresses beyond the Tower. Man. Do not give me cause to think so; for those less infamous women part with their lovers just as you did from me,-with unforc'd vows of constancy, and floods of willing tears: but the same winds blow away their lovers and their vows: And for their grief, if the credulous, unexpected fools return, they find new comforters, fresh cullies, such as I found here. The mercenary love of those women, too, suffers shipwreck with their gallants fortunes:-Now you heard Chance has us'd me scurvily, therefore you do too. Well, persevere in your ingratitude, falsehood, and disdain; have constancy in something, and I promise you to be as just to your real scorn as I was to your feign'd love, and henceforth will despise, contemn, hate, loath, and detest you most faithfully. Man. Whom? left [Aside to MANLY, Man. Your husband! Oliv. Ay, my husband; for since you could leave me, I am lately and privately marry'd to one who is a man of so much honour and experience in the world, that I dare not ask him for your jewels again, to restore 'em to you, lest he should conclude you never would have parted with 'em to me on any other score but the exchange of my honour; which, rather than you'd let me lose, you'd lose, I'm sure, yourself, those trifles of yours. Man. Triumphant impudence! But married too. Oliv. O, speak not so loud; my servants know it not :-I am marry'd: there's no resisting one's destiny, or love, you know. Man. Why, did you love him too? Oliv. Most passionately; nay, love him now, though I have marry'd him, and he me: which mutual love I hope you are too good, too generous a man to disturb, by any future claim or visits to me. 'Tis true, he is now absent in the country, but returns shortly; therefore I beg of you, for your own ease and quiet, and my honour, you will never see me more. Man. I wish I never had seen you. Olar. But if you should ever have any thing to say to me hereafter, let that young gentleman there be your messenger, Man. You would be kinder to him. I find he should be welcome. Man. D'ye hear that? Let us be gone before she comes; for henceforward I'll avoid the whole Ohio. Alas! his youth would keep my husband damn'd sex for ever, and woman as a sinking ship. from suspicions, and his visits from scandal; for [Exeunt MAN. and FID. we women may have pity for such as he, but no Free. And I'll stay to revenge on her your love: And I already think you do not well to spi- quarrel to the sex; for out of love to her joinrit him away to sea, and the sea is already butture, and hatred to business, I would marry her, too rich with the spoils of the shore. Man. True, perfect woman!—If I could say any thing more injurious to her now, I would; for I could out-rail a bilk'd whore, or a kick'd coward: But, now I think on't, that were rather to discover my love than hatred; and I must not talk; for something I must do. [Aside. Oliv. I think I have given him enough of me now, never to be troubled with him again. Enter LETTICE. [Aside. Well, Lettice, are the cards and all ready within? I come then. Captain, I beg your pardon: -You will not make one at ombre? Man. No, madam, but I'll wish you a little good luck before you go. Oliv. No, if you would have me thrive, curse me; for that you'll do heartily, I suppose. Man. Then if you will have it so, may all the curses light upon you women ought to fear, and you deserve! First, may the curse of loving play attend your sordid covetousness, and Fortune cheat you, by trusting to her, as you have cheated me; the curse of pride, or a good reputation, fall on your lusts; the curse of affectation on your beauty; the curse of your husband's company on your pleasures; and the curse of your gallant's disappointments in his absence; and the curse of scorn, jealousy, or despair, on your love; and then the curse of loving on. Oliv. And to requite all your curses, I will only return you your fast:-May the curse of loving me still fall upon your proud hard heart, that could be so cruel to me in these horrid curses! -But Heaven forgive you. [Exit OLIV. Man. Hell and the devil reward thee! Free. Well, you see now, mistresses, like friends, are lost by letting 'em handle your money; and most women are such kind of witches, who can have no power over a man unless you give 'em money; but when once they have got any from you, they never leave you till they have all; therefore I never dare give a woman a farthing. Man. Well, there is yet this comfort, by losing one's money with one's mistress,-a man is out of danger of getting another; of being made prize again by Love; who, like a pirate, takes you by spreading false colours; but when once you have run your ship a-ground, the treacherous picaroon loofs: so by your ruin you save yourself from slavery at least. Enter Boy. Boy. Mrs Lettice, here's Madam Blackacre come to wait upon her honour. to make an end of her thousand suits and my thousand engagements, to the comfort of two unfortunate sorts of people,-my plaintiffs and her defendants, my creditors and her adversaries. Enter Widow BLACKACRE, led in by Major OLDFOX, and JERRY BLACKACRE following, laden with green bugs. Wid. 'Tis an arrant sea ruffian; but I'm glad I met with him at last, to serve him again, major; for the last service was not good in law.Boy, duck, Jerry, where is my paper of memorandums? Give me, child:-So-Where is my cousin Olivia now, my kind relation? Free. Here is one that would be lation, madam. Wid. What mean you, sir? your kind re Free. Why, faith, to be short, to marry you, widow. Wid. Is not this the wild, rude person we saw at Captain Manly's? Jer. Ay, forsooth, an't please. Wid. What would you? What are you? Marry me! Free. Ay, faith, for I am a younger brother, and you are a widow. Wid. You are an impertinent person, and go about your business. Free. I have none, but to marry thee, widow. Wid. But I have other business, I'd have you to know. Free. But you have no business a-nights, widow; and I'll make you pleasanter business than any you have; for a-nights, I assure you, I am a man of great business; for the business Wid. Go; I'm sure you're an idle fellow. Free. Try me but, widow, and employ me as you find my abilities and industry. Old. Pray be civil to the lady, Mr: she is a person of quality, a person that is no person Free. Yes, but she's a person that is a widow: Be you mannerly to her, because you are to pretend only to be her squire, to arm her to her lawyer's chambers; but I will be impudent and bawdy, for she must love and marry me. You think with us widows 'tis no more than up Wid. Marry come up, you saucy familiar Jack! and ride. God forgive me! Now-a-days, every idle, young, hectoring, roaring companion, with a pair of turn'd red breeches and a broad back, thinks to carry away any widow of the best degree: but I'd have you to know, sir, all widows are not got like places at court,-by impudence and importunity only. Old. No, no; soft, soft; you are a young man, and not fit Free. For a widow? Yes, sure, old man, the fitter. Old. Go to, go to; if others had not laid in their claims before you. Free. Not you, I hope. Old. Why not I, sir? Sure, I am a much more proportionable match for her than you, sir; I who am an elder brother, of a comfortable fortune,| and of equal years with her. Wad. How's that? You unmannerly person, I'd have you to know, I was born but in unn' undec. Curoli prim. Old. Your pardon, lady, your pardon: be not offended with your very servant- -But I say, sir, you are a beggarly younger brother, twenty years younger than her, without any land or stock, but your great stock of impudence; therefore what pretension can you have to her? Free. You have made it for me: first, because I am a younger brother. Wed. Why, is that a sufficient plea to a relict? How appears it, sir? by what foolish custom? Free. By custom time out of mind only.Then, sir, because I have nothing to keep me af ter her death, I am the likelier to take care of her life. And for my being twenty years younger than her, and having a sufficient stock of impudence, I leave it to her whether they will be valid exceptions to me, in her widow's law or equity. Old. Well, she has been so long in Chancery, that I'll stand to her equity and decree between us. Come, lady, pray snap up this young shap at first, or we shall be troubled with him; give him a city widow's answer :-that is, with all the ill breeding imaginable. [Aside to the Wid.] Come, madam. Wid. Well, then, to make an end of this foolish wooing, for nothing interrupts business more; first, for you, major Old. You declare in my favour then? Free. What! direct the court?-Come, young lawyer, thou shalt be a counsel for me [To JER. Jer. Gad, I shall betray your cause then, as well as an old lawyer, never stir. Wid. First, I say, for you, major, my walking hospital of an ancient foundation, thou bag of mummy, that wouldst fall asunder, if 'twere not for thy cere-clothes Old. How, lady? Free. Ha, ha! Jer. Hey, brave mother! use all suitors thus, for my sake. Wid. Thou wither'd, hobbling, distorted cripple; nay, thou art a cripple all over; wouldst thou make me the staff of thy age, the crutch of thy decrepidness? Me Free. Well said, widow! Faith, thou wouldst make a man love thee now, without dissembling. Wid. Thou senseless, impertinent, quibbling, drivelling, feeble, paralytic, impotent, fumbling, frigid nincompoop. Jer. Hey, brave mother, for calling of names, ifack! Wid. Wouldst thou make a cawdle-maker, a Free. I told you I should be thought the fitter man, major. Jer. Ay, you old fobus, and you would have been my guardian, would you; to have taken care of my estate, that half of it should never come to me, by letting long leases, at pepper-corn rents? Wid. If I would have married an old man, 'tis well known I might have married an earl; nay, what's more, a judge, and been covered the winter-nights with the lamb-skins, which I prefer to the ermines of nobles. And durst thou think I would wrong my poor minor, there, for you? Free. Your minor is a chopping minor, God bless him. [Strokes JERRY on the head. Old. Your minor may be a major of horse or foot for his bigness: and, it seems, you will have the cheating of your minor to yourself. Wid. Pray, sir, bear witness :--Cheat my minor! I'll bring my action of the case for the slander. Free. Nay, I would bear false witness for thee now, widow, since you have done me justice, and have thought me the fitter man for you. Wid. Fair and softly, sir: 'tis my minor's case more than my own; and I must do him justice now on you. Free. How? Old. So, then Wid. You are, first, I warrant, some renegado from the inns of court and the law; and thou'lt come to suffer for't by the law; that is, be hang'd. Jer. Not about your neck, forsooth, I hope. Free. But, madam Old. Hear the court. Wid. Thou'rt some debauch'd, drunken, lewd, hectoring, gaming companion, and want'st some widow's old gold to nick upon; but, I thank you, sir, that's for my lawyers. Free. Faith, we should ne'er quarrel about that; for guineas would serve my turn.-But, widow Wid. Thou art a foul-mouth boaster of thy lust, a mere braggadocio of thy strength for wine and women, and will belie thyself more than thou dost women, and art every way a base deceiver of women;-and would deceive me too, would you? Free. Nay, faith, widow, this is judging with out seeing the evidence. Wid. I say, you are a worn-out whore-master at five-and-twenty, both in body and fortune; and cannot be trusted by the common wenches of the town, lest you should not pay 'em; nor by the wives of the town, lest you should pay 'em: so you want women, and would have me your bawd, to procure 'em for you. Free. Faith, if you had any good acquaintance, widow, 'twould be civilly done of thee; for I am just come from sea. Wid. I mean, you would have me keep you, that you might turn keeper; for poor widows are only used like bawds by you: you go to church with us but to get other women to lie with. In fine, you are a cheating, chousing spendthrift, and, having sold your own annuity, would waste my jointure. Jer. And make havoc of our estate personal, and all our old gilt plate. I should soon be picking up all our mortgaged apostle-spoons, bowls, and beakers, out of most of the ale-houses betwixt Hercules' Pillars and the Boatswain in Wapping; nay, and would be scouring amongst my trees, and make 'em knock down one another, like routed, reeling watchmen at midnight: Would you so, bully? Free. Nay, pr'ythee, widow, hear me. Wid. No, sir; I'd have you to know, thou pitiful, paltry, lath-back'd fellow, if I would have married a young man, 'tis well known I could have had any young heir in Norfolk; nay, the hopefullest young man this day at the King's Bench bar; I, that am a relict, and executrix of known plentiful assets and parts; who understand myself and the law. And would you have me under covert-baron again? No, sir, no covertbaron for me. Free. But, dear widow, hear me. I value you only, not your jointure. Wid. Nay, sir, hold there: I know your love to a widow is covetousness of her jointure: And a widow, a little stricken in years, with a good jointure, is, like an old mansion-house in a good purchase, never valued; but take one, take t'other. And, perhaps, when you are in possession, you'd neglect it, let it drop to the ground, for want of necessary repairs or expences upon't. Free. No, widow; one would be sure to keep all right, when one is to forfeit one's lease by dilapidation. Wid. Fie, fie! I neglect my business with this foolish discourse of love. Jerry, child, let me see the list of the jury: I'm sure my cousin Olivia has some relations amongst 'em. But where is she? Free. Nay, widow, but hear me one word only. Wid. Nay, sir, no more, pray: I will no more hearken again to your foolish love-motions than to offers of arbitration. [Exeunt Wid. and JER. Free. Well, I'll follow thee yet; for he that has a pretension at court, or to a widow, must never give over for a little ill usage. Old. Therefore I'll get her by assiduity, patience, and long-sufferings, which you will not undergo; for you idle young fellows leave off love when it comes to be business; and industry gets more women than love. Free. Ay; industry, the fool's and old man's merit: but I'll be industrious too, and make a business on't, and get her by law, wrangling, and contests, and not by sufferings. And, because you are no dangerous rival, I'll give thee counsel, major: If you litigious widow c'er would gain, ACT III. SCENE I.-Westminster-Hall. Enter MANLY and FREEMAN-two Sailors behind. Man. I hate this place worse than a man that has inherited a Chancery suit: I wish I were well out on't again. Free. Why, you need not be afraid of this place; for a man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets. Man. This the reverend of the law would have thought the palace or residence of Justice; but if it be, she lives here with the state of a Turkish emperor, rarely seen, and besieg'd, rather than defended, by her numerous black guard here. Free. Methinks 'tis like one of their own halls in Christmas time, whither, from all parts, fools bring their money, to try, by the dice, (not the worst judges,) whether it shall be their own or no; but, after a tedious fretting and wrangling, they drop away all their money on both sides, and, finding neither the better, at last go emptily and lovingly away together to the tavern, joining their curses against the young lawyers' box, that sweeps all, like the old ones. yer. Man. Spoken like a revelling Christmas law Free. Yes, I was one, I confess, but was fain to leave the law, out of conscience, and fall to making false musters: rather chuse to cheat the king than his subjects; plunder, rather than take fees. Man. Well, a plague and a purse-famine light on the law, and that female limb of it who dragg'd me hither to-day :-But, pr'ythee, go see if, in that crowd of daggled gowns there, thou canst find her. [Pointing to a crowd of lawyers at the end of the stage.] [Erit FREE. Manet MANLY. How hard it is to be an hypocrite! At least to me, who am but newly so. I thought it once a kind of knavery, Nay, cowardice, to hide one's faults; but now, |