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Fond. Ha, how's that? Stay, stay, did you | Tribulation himself-Speak, I say, have you conleave word, say you, with his wife with Com- sidered what it is to cuckold your husband ? fort herself?
Læt. (Aside.) I'm amazed :-sure he has discoBar. I did; and Comfort will send Tribulation vered nothing-Who has wronged mc to my dear. hither as soon as ever he comes home-Icould est? I hope my jewel does not think that ever I have brought young Mr Prig to have kept my mis- had any such thing in my head, or ever will have? tress company in the mean time; but you say— Fond. No, no, I tell you I shall have it in my
Fond. How, how, say, varlet ! Í say, let him not head-You will have it somewhere else. come near my doors. I say he is a wanton young Læt. ( Aside.) I know not what to think. But Levite, and pampereth himself up with dainties, I'm resolved to find the meaning of it --Unkind that he may look lovely in the eyes of women, dear! was it for this you sent to call me? Is it Sincerely I am afraid he hath already defiled the not affliction enough that you are to leave me, tabernacle of our sister Comfort; while her good but you must study to increase it by unjust sushusband is deluded by his godly appearance- picions ? (Crying.I Well-well-you know my
that even lust doth sparkle in his eyes and fondness, and you love to tyrannize-Go on, glow upon his cheeks, and that I would as soon cruel man! do-triumph over my poor heart trust my wife with a lord's high-fed chaplain. while it holds, which cannot be long, with this
Bar. Sir, the hour draws nigh, and nothing will usage of yours-But that's what you want be done there till you come.
Well-you will have your ends soon you will Fond. And nothing can be done here till I go you will —Yes, it will break to oblige you. (Sighs. -So that I'll tarry, d’ye see.
Fond. Verily, I fear, I have carried the jest too Bur. And run the hazard to lose your affair so far- -Nay, look you now if she does not weep,
Fond. Good lack, good lack !—I profess it is a -'tis the fondest fool --Nay, Cocky, Cocky! very sufficient vexation for a man to have a hand nay, dear Cocky! don't cry, I was but in jest, I some wife,
Bar. Never, sir, but when the man is an insuf. Læt. (Aside.] Oh! then all's safe. I was terficient husband. 'Tis then, indeed, like the va- ribly frighted-My affliction is always your jest, nity of taking a fine house, and yet be forced to barbarous man! "Oh, that I should love to this let lodgings, to help to pay the rent.
degree ! yet Fond. i profess a very apt comparison, varlet. Fond. Nay, Cocky! Go in, and bid my cocky come out to me; I will Læt. No, no, you are weary of me, that's it give her some instructions, I will reason with her that's all, you would get another wife-another before I go; [Exit BARNABY.] and, in the mean fond fool, to break her heart--Well, be as cruel time, I will reason with myself Tell me, Isaac, as you can to me, I'll pray for you; and when I why art thee jealous ? Why art thee distrustful am dead with grief, may you have one that will of the wife of thy bosom ?-Because she is young love you as well as I have done: I shall be conand vigorous, and I am old and impotent–Then tented to lie in peace in my cold grave, since it why didst thee marry, Isaac ?-Because she was
will please you.
(Sighs. beautiful and tempting, and because I was obsti- Fond. Good lack, good lack! she would melt a nate and doting ; so that my inclination was, and heart of oak- I profess I can hold no longeris still, greater than my power--And will not Nay, dear Cocky-Ifeck you'll break my heart that which tempted thee also tempt others, who ifeck you will-See, you have made me weep will tempt her, Isaac ?-I fear it much-But does made poor Nykin weep Nay, come kiss, buss not thy wife love thee, nay, dote upon thee!- poor Nykin—and I won't leave thee — I'll lose Yes Why then,--Ay, but to say truth, she's all first. fonder of me than she has reason to be; and, in Læt. (Aside.] How! Heaven forbid! that will the way of trade, we still suspect the smoothest be carrying the jest too far indeed. dealers of the deepest designs; and that she has Fond. Won't you kiss Nykin? some designs deeper than thou canst reach, thou Læt. Go, naughty Nykin, you don't love me. hast experimented, Isaac—But mum!
Fond. Kiss, kiss ; ifeck I do.
Læt. No, you don't. (She kisses him. Enter LÆTITIA.
Fond. What, not love Cocky? Let. I hope my dearest jewel is not going to
Lat. No- -h.
Sighs. leave me-Are you, Nykin?
Fond. I profess I love thee better than five Fond. Wife!-have you thoroughly consider- hundred pound; and so thou shalt say, for I'll ed how detestable, how heinous, and how crying leave it to stay with thee. e sin, the sin of adultery is? Have you weighed Læt. No, you sha’n't neglect your business for it, I say? For it is a very weighty sin ; and altho' me-No, indeed, you sha'n't, Nykin- If you don't it may lie heavy upon thee, yet thy husband must go, I'll think you been dealous of me stili. also bear his part; for thy iniquity will fall upon Fond. He, he, he! wilt thou, poor fool? Then his head.
I will go, I won't be dealous- Poor Cocky, kiss Lal. Bless me, what means my dear! Nykin, kiss Nykin, ee, ee, ee !-Here will be
Fond. (Aside. 1 profess she has an alluring eye; the good man anon, to talk to Cocky, and teach Po doubtful whether I shall trust her, even with ber how a wife ought to behave herself.
Læt. (Aside.] I hope to have one that will show Bell. Secure in my disguise, I have out-faced me bow a husband ought to behave himself- suspicion, and even dared discovery—This cloak I shall be glad to learn, to please my jewel. (Kiss. my sanctity, and trusty Scarron's novels my
Fond. That's my good dear! - Come, kiss prayer-book, methinks I am the very picture of
So breaks Aurora through the veil of night, Lat. By, Nykin.
(She goes in. Thus fly the clouds, divided by her light, Fond. By, Cocky; by, by- (Exit. And every eye receives a new-born sight.
[Throwing off his cloak, patch, &c. Enter VAINLOVE and SHARPER.
Lat. Thus strew'd with blushes, like—Ah, Sharp. How ! Araminta lost?
Heaven defend me! Who's this? Vain. To confirm what I have said, read this.
[Discovering him, starts. [Gives a letter.
Bell. Your lover. Sharp: [Reads.) Hum, hum.—“And what then Læt. Vainlove's friend! I know his face, and appear'd a fault, upon reflection, seems only an he has betray'd me to him.
(Aside. effect of a too powerful passion. I'm afraid I
Bell. You are surprised. Did you not expect give too great a proof of my own at this time
a lover, madam ? Those eyes shone kindly on my I am in disorder for what I have written : but first appearance, though now they are overcast. som thing, I know not what, forced me. I only Lat. I may well be surprised at your person beg a favourable censure of this, and your
and impudence; they are both new to me-You ARAMINTA.'
are not what your first appearance promised: The Lost! Pray Heaven thou hast not lost thy wits. piety of your habit was welcome, but not the hy
-Here, here, she's thy own, man, sign'd and pocrisy. seal'd too-To her, man-A delicious melon,
Beil. Rather the hypocrisy was welcome, but pure and consenting ripe, and only waits thy cut not the hypocrite. ting up-She has been breeding love to thee all
Læt. Who are you, sir ? You have mistaken this while,
and just now she's deliver'd of it. the house sure. Vain. 'Tis an untimely fruit, and she has mis
Bell. I have directions in my pocket, which carried of her love.
agree with every thing but your unkindness. Sharp. Never leave this damn'd ill-natured
[Pulls out the letter, whimsy, Frank?—Thou hast a sickly, peevish Læt. My letter !_Base Vainlove !- Then 'tis appetite; only chew love, and cannot digest it. too late to dissemble. [ Aside.]—'Tis plain then
Vuin. Yes, when I feed myself—But I hate to you have mistaken the person. (Going. be cramm'd-By Heaven, there's not a woman will Bell
. If we part so I'm mistaken. -Hold, give a man the pleasure of a chace-My sport is hold, madam-1 confess I bave run into an eralways baulk'd or cut short-I stumble over the rorI beg your pardon a thousand times-What game I would pursue-'Tis dull and unnatural to
an eternal blockhead am I! Can you forgive me have a hare run full in the hound's mouth, and the disorder I have put you into ?-But it is a would distaste the keenest hunter—I would have mistake which any body might have made. overtaken, not have met, my game.
Lat. What can this mean? 'Tis impossible he Sharp. However, I hope you don't mean to should be mistaken after all this—A handsome forsake it; that will be but a kind of a mongrel fellow, if he had not surprised me-Methinks, cur's trick. Well, are you for the Mall ?
now I look on him again, I would not have him Vain. No; she will be there this evening- mistaken. (Aside.)–We are all liable to mistakes, Yes, I will go too; and she shall see her error
sir : If you own it to be so, there needs no farin
ther apology Sharp. In her choice, egad— But thou canst Bell. Nay, faith, madam, 'tis a pleasant one, not be so great a brute as to slight her. Vain. I should disappoint her if I did not
and worth your hearing-Expecting a friend, last
night, at his lodgings, till 'twas late, my intimacy By her management I should think she expects it. with him gave me the freedom of his bed : He All naturally fly what does pursue :
not coming home all night, a letter was deliver'd 'Tis fit men should be coy, when women woo. to me by a servant in the morning : Upon the
(Exeunt. perusal, I found the contents so charming, that
I could think of nothing all day but putting 'em SCENE II.-Changes to a Room in FONDLE
in practice till just now, (the first time I ever WIFE's House.
looked upon the superscription,) I am the most A Servant introducing Bellmour, in a fanatic Vainlove.—Gad, madam, I ask you a million of
surprised in the world to find it directed to Mr habit, with a patch upon one eye, and a book in his hand.
pardons, and will make you any satisfaction.
Let. I am discover'd and either Vainlove is Sery. Here's a chair, sir, if you please to re- not guilty, or he has handsomely excused him. pose yourself.-I'll call my mistress.
(Aside (Erit Servant. Bell. You appear concern’d, madam?
Læt. I hope you are a gentleman-and, since was there-But, O Gad, two such unlick'd you are privy to a weak woman's failing, won't cubs ! turn it to the prejudice of her reputation. You Aram. I warrant, plump, cherry-cheek’d, counlook as if you had more honour
try girls. Bell. And more love or my face is a false Belin. Ay, o' my conscience, fat as barn-door witness, and deserves to be pilloried. —No, by fowl; but so bedeck’d, you would have taken Heaven, I swear
'em for Friezland hens, with their feathers grow. Lat. Nay, don't swear, if you'd have me be- ing the wrong way, such outlandish creatures! lieve you, but promise
such trumuntana, and foreigners to the fashion, Bell. Well
, I promise-A promise is so cold- or any thing in practice !- had not patience to Give me leave to swear-by those eyes, those behold) undertook the modelling of one of killing eyes—by those healing lips-0, press the their fronts, the more modern structure soft charm close to mine, and seal 'em up for Aram. Bless me, cousin, why would you afever!
(He kisses her. front any body so ? They might be gentlewomen Lat. Upon that condition.
of a very good family. Bell. Eternity was in that moment- One Belin. Of a very ancient one, I dare swear, by more, upon any condition.
their dress-Affront! Psha, how you're mistaLát. Nay, now- never saw any thing so ken! The poor creature, I warrant, wa, as full agreeably impudent. (Aside. — Won't you cen- of curtsies as if I had been her god-mother. The sure me for this now—but 'tis to buy your si truth on't is, I did endeavour to make her look lence-(Kiss.)-0, but what am I doing? like a Christian : and she was sensible of it; for
Bell. Doing ! no tongue can express it-not she thank'd me, and gave me two apples, p-ping thy own; nor any thing but thy lips-I am faint hot, out of her under-petticoat pocket-ha, ha, with the excess of bliss-Oh, for love's sake, lead ha! and t'other did so stare and gape, I fancied me any whither, where I may lie down-quickly; her like the front of her father's hall; her eyes for I'm afraid i shall have a fit.
were the two jut-windows, and her m uth the Lat. Bless me! what fit?
great door, most hospitably kept open for the enBell. Oh, a convulsion—I feel the symptoms. tertainment of travelling flies.
Lat. Does it hold you long? I'm afraid to Aram. So then you have been diverted. What carry you into my chamber.
did they buy? Bell. Oh, no-let me lie down upon the bed ; Belin. Why, the father bought a powder-hom, -the fit will be soon over.
[Exeunt. and an almanack, and a comb-case; the mother,
a great fruz tour and a fat-amber necklace, the SCENE III.--Changes to St James's Park. daughters only tore two pair of kid gloves with Enter ARAMINTA and BELINDA, meeting.
trying 'em on-0 Gad, here comes the fool
that dined at my Lady Freelove's t'other day ! Belin. Lard, my dear, I am glad I have met you—I have been at the Exchange since, and am
Enter Sir JOSEPH and BLUFFE. so tired
Arum. May be he may not know us again. Aram. Why, what's the matter?
Belin. We'll put on our masks, to secure his Belin. O the most inhuman, barbarous hack- ignorance.
[They put on their masks. ney-coach!- I am jolted to a jelly—Am I not Sir Jo. Nay, Gad, I'll pick up; I'm resolved to horribly touzed ? [Pulls out a pocket-glass. make a night on't-I'll go to Alderman Foudle
Aram. Your head's a little out of order. wife by and by, and get fifty pieces more from
Belin. A little ! O, frightful! What a furious him-Adslidikins, bully, we'll wallow in wine phiz I have! O, most rueful !-Ha, ha, ha! 0 and women.-Why, this same Madeira wine has Gad, I hope nobody will come this way till I put made me as light as a grasshopper -- Hist, hist, myself a little in repair —Ah, my dear, I have bully! dost thou see those tearers !-(Sings.} Look seen such unhewn creatures since-Ha, ha, ha! you what here is Look you what here is--Tol, I cann't for my soul help thinking that I look lol, dera, tol, lol Egad, t'other glass ot' Majust like one of 'em-Good dear, pin this, and deira, and I durst have attack'd 'em in my own I'll tell you—Very well—so thank you, my dear: proper person, without your help. -But, as I was telling you—Pish! this is the Blutf. Come on then, knight-But d'ye know untoward'st lock-So, as I was telling you- what to say to 'em ? How d’ye like me now?--hideous, ha ?-fright- Sir Jo. Say! Poo, pox, I've enough to say— ful still, or how?
never fear it—that is, if I can but think on't: Aram. No, no; you're very well as can be. truth is, I have but a treacherous memory.
Belin. And so-But where did I leave off, my Belin. O frightful ! Cousin, what shall we do? dear?-I was telling you
these things come toward us. Aram. You were about to tell me something, Aram. No matter i see Vainlove coming this. child—but you left off before you began. way—and, to confess my failing, I am willing to
Belin. Ó, a most comical sight - A country give him an opportunity of making his peace with 'squire, with the equipage of a wife and two me and to rid me of these coxcombs, when I daughters, came to Mr Snipwell's shop while I seem oppress'd with them, will be a fair one.
Bluff. Ladies, by these hilts, you are well met. Aram. So cold!
[Aside. Aram. We are afraid not.
Belin. I have broke the ice for you, Mr VainBluff What says my pretty little knapsack love, and so I leave you. Come, Mr Sharper, carrier ?
(To BELINDA. you and I will take a turn, and laugh at the vulBelin. O monstrous filthy fellow ! Good slo- gar-both the great vulgar and the small-0 venly Captain Huff, Bluff-- what is your hideous Gad, I have a great passion for Cowley. Don't name ?-be gone : You stink of brandy and to
you admire him? bacco, most soldier-like-Foh!
(Spits. Sharp. O madam, he was our English Horace, Sir Jo. Now am I slap-dash down in the mouth, Belin. Ah, so fine! so extremely fine ! so every and have not one word to say. (Aside. thing in the world that I like — Lord, walk
Aram. I hope my fool has not confidence this way, I see a couple-P'll give you their his. enough to be troublesome.
(Aside. tory. (Exeuni BELINDA and SHARPER. Sir Jos. Hem-Pray, madam, which way is the Vain. I find, madam, the formality of the law wind?
must be observed, though the penalty of it be disArum. A pithy question--Have you sent your pensed with ; and an offender must plead to his wits for a venture, sir, that you enquire ? arraignment, though he have his pardon in his Sir Jo. Nay, now I'm in-I can prattle like a pocket
Aside. Aram. I'm amazed ! this insolence exceeds the Enter SHARPER and Vainlove, at a distance, assurance, presuming upon the easiness of my
other.Whoever has encouraged you to this Belin. Dear Araminta, I'm tired
temper, has much deceived you; and so you shall Arum. 'Tis but pulling off our masks, and obli- find. ging Vainlove to know us : I'll be rid of my fool Vain. Hey-day! which way now ?-Here's fine by fair means. Well, Sir Joseph, you shall doubling.
Aside. see my face but be gone immediately: I see one Aram. Base man !_Was it not enough to afthat will be jealous, to find me in discourse with front me with your saucy passion ? you-Be discreet- no reply; but away. [Unmasks. Vain. You have given that passion a much
Sir Jo. The great fortune that dined at my La- kinder epithet than saucy, in another place. dy Freelove's! Sir Joseph, thou art a made Aram. Another place !-Some villainous de man-Egad, l'm in love up to the ears. But I'll sign to blast my honour-But though thou hadst be discreet and busht.
(Aside, all the treachery and malice of thy sex, thou canst Bluff
. Nay, by the world, I'll see your face. not lay a blemish on my fame-No; I have not Belin. You shall.
(Unmasks. err’d in one favourable thought of mankind. How Sharp. Lalies, your humble servant. We were time might have deceived me in you, I know not: afraid you would not have given us leave to know my opinion was but young, and your early baseyou.
ness has prevented its growing to a wrong belief. Aram. We thought to have been private. But -Unworthy and ungrateful ! Be gone, and never we find fools have the same advantage over a see me more. face in a mask that a coward has while the sword Vain. Did I dream? or do I dream ? Shall I is in the scabbard ; $0 were forced to draw in our believe my eyes or ears ? — The vision is here still. own defence.
-Your passion, madam, will admit of no farther Bluff. My blood rises at that fellow : I cann't reasoning-But here is a silent witness of your stay where he is; and I must not draw in the acquaintance. Park.
[To Sir JOSEPH. [Takes out the letter, and offers it : She Sir Jos. I wish I durst stay to let her know my
snatches it, and throws it away. lodging. (Exeunt Sir JOSEPH und BLUFFE. Aram. There's poison in every thing you touch :
Sharp. There is in true beauty, as in courage, -Blisters will followsomewhat which narrow souls cannot dare to ad- Vain. That tongue which denies what the hands mirc-And see, the owls are fled, as at the break have done. of day.
Aram. Still mystically senseless and impudent. Bclin. Very courtly-I believe Mr Vainlove -I find I must leave the place. has not rubb'd his eyes since break of day nei. Vain. No, madam ; I'm gone. She knows ther: he looks as if he durst not approach her name's to it, which she will be unwilling to Nay, come, cousin, be friends with him—I swear expose to the censure of the first finder. (Aside.) he looks so very simply ha, ha, ha!-Well, a
(Exit. lover, in the state of separation from his mistress, Aram. Woman's obstinacy made me blind, to is like a body without a soul.-Mr Vainlove, shall what woman's curiosity now tempts me to see. I be bound for your good behaviour for the future?
[Takes up the letler, and erit. Vain. Now must I pretend ignorance equal to hers, of what she knows as well as I. (Aside.)
Enter BELINDA and SHARPER. Men are apt to offend, 'tis true, where they find Belin. Nay, we have spared nobody, I swear. most goodness to forgive: But, madam, I hope Mr Sharper, you're a pure man; where did you I shall prove of a temper not to abuse mercy, by get this excellent talent of railing? committing new offences.
Sharp. Faith, madam, the talent was born with me. I confess, I have taken care to improve it ; Joseph–If you will tarry a moment, till I fetch to qualify me for the society of ladies.
my papers, I'll wait upon you down stairs. Belin. Nay, sure railing is the best qualification Lat. (As FOND. is going into the chamber, she in a woman's man.
runs to Sir JOSEPA, almost pushes him down, and Sharp. The second best-indeed I think. cries out.] Ruined, past redemption! What shall Enter Footman.
I do-Ha! this fool may be of use. [ Aside.)Belin. How now, Pace? Where's my cousin? bless me! Why will you leave me alone with such
Stand off, rude ruffian. Help me, my dear-o Foot. She's not very well, madam, and has sent
a satyr! to know, if your ladyship would have the coach
Fond. Bless us ! what's the matter? what's come again for you?
the matter? Belin. O lord, no, I'll go along with her.- Læt. Your back was no sooner turned, but, Come, Mr Sharper.
like a lion, he came open mouthed upon me, and
would have ravished a kiss from me by main SCENE IV.-Changes to a Chamber in FONDLE
force. wife's House.
Sir Jo. O lord ! O terrible! Ha, ha, ha! is Enter LÆTITIA and BELLMOUR, his cloak, hat, your wife mad, alderman? &c. lying loose about the chamber.
Læt. Oh! I am sick with the fright; won't you Bell. Here's nobody, nor no noise—'twas no
take him out of my sight? thing but your fears.
Fond. Oh traitor! I'm astonished. Oh bloodyLæt. I durst have sworn I heard my monster's
minded traitor! voice-I swear, I was heartily frightened—Feel Sir Jo. Hey-day! traitor yourself-By the lord how my heart beats.
Harry I was in most danger of being ravished, if Bell. 'Tis an alarm to love-Come in again, you go to that. and let us
Fond. Oh, how the blasphemous wretch swears ! Fond. [Without.) Cocky, Cocky, where are you, Out of my house, thou son of the whore of BaCocky? I'm come home.
; offspring of Bel and the dragon-Bless Lei. Ah! There he is. Make haste, gather us! Ravish my wife! my Dinah! Oh Shecheup your things.
mite! Begone I say, Fond. Cocky, Cocky, open the door.
Sir Jo. Why the devil's in the people, I think. Bell. Pox choak him! would his horns were in
[Exit. his throat ! My patch, my patch.
Læt. Oh! won't you follow, and see him out (Looking ubout, and gathering up his things. of doors, my dear? Læt. My jewel, art thou there? No matter for Fond. I'll shut this door, to secure him from your patch-You s'an't tum in, Nykin-Run into coming back-Give me the key of your cabinet, my chamber, quickly, quickly. You s'an't tum Cocky--Ravish my wife before my face ! I warin.
[BELL. goes in.
rant he's a papist in his heart at least, if not a Fond. Nay prythee, dear, i'feck I'm in haste. Frenchman. Læt. Then I'll let you in. [Opens the door.
Lat. What can I do now? (Aside.) Oh! my
dear, I have been in such a fright, that I forgot to Enter FONDLEWIFE and Sir JOSEPH.
tell you, poor Mr Spintext has a sad fit of the Fond. Kiss, dear met the master of the cholic, and is forced to lie down upon our bed ship by the way—And I must have my papers of You'll disturb him; I can tread softlier. accounts out of your cabinet.
Fond. Alack, poor man !-No, no,- you don't Lat. Oh, I'm undone !
(Aside. know the papers—I won't disturb him ; give me Sir Jo. Pray, first let me have fifty pound, good the key. alderman, for I'm in haste.
(She gives him the key, goes to the chamber Fond. A hundred has already been paid, by door, and speaks aloud. your order. Fifty? I have the sum already in Læt. 'Tis nobody but Mr Fondlewife, Mr Spingold, in my closet. [Goes into his closet. text; lie still on your stomach; lying on your sto
Sir Jo. 'Agad, it's a curious fine, pretty rogue; mach will ease you of the cholic. I'll speak to her-Pray, madam, what news d'ye Fond. Ay, ay, Jie still, lie still; don't let me hear?
(Goes in. Let. Sir, I seldom stir abroad.
Læt. Sure, when he does not see his face, he [Walks about in disorder. won't discover him. Dear fortune, help me but Sir Jo. I wonder at that, madam, for 'tis most this once, and I'll never run in thy debt againcurious fine weather.
But this opportunity is the devil. Let. Methinks, 't has been very ill weather.
FONDLEWIFE returns with papers. Sir Jo. As you say, madam, 'tis pretty bad weather, and has been so a great while.
Fond. Good lack, good lack !I profess the
poor man is in great torment; he lies as flatEnter FONDLEWIFE.
Dear, you should heat a trencher, or a napkinFond. Here are fifty pieces in this purse, Sir Where's Deborah ? let her clap a warm thing to