his stomach, or chafe it with a warm hand, rather than fail. What book's this? [Sees the book that BELLMOUR forgot. Lat. Mr Spintext's prayer-book, dear-Pray heaven it be a prayer-book! [Aside. Fond. Good man! I warrant he dropped it on purpose, that you might take it up, and read some of the pious ejaculations. [Taking up the book.] O bless me! O monstrous! A prayer-book! Ay, this is the devil's pater-noster. Hold, let me see; The Innocent Adultery. Lat. Misfortune! now all's ruined again. [Aside. Bell. [Peeping.] Damned chance! If I had gone a-whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket, I had never been discovered. Fond. Adultery, and innocent! O lord! Here's doctrine! Ay, here's discipline! Let. Dear husband, I'm amazed:-Sure it is a good book, and only tends to the speculation of sin. Fond. Speculation! No, no; something went farther than speculation when I was not to be let in-Where is this apocryphal elder? I'll ferret him. Lat. I'm so distracted, I cann't think of a lie. [Aside. FONDLEWIFE hauling out BELLMOUR. Fond. Come out here, thou Ananias incarnate -Who? how now? who have we here? Læt. Ha! [Shrieks, as surprised. Fond. Oh, thou salacious woman! Am I then brutified? Ay, I feel it here; I sprout, I bud, I blossom, I am ripe horn-mad. But who in the devil's name, are you? Mercy on me for swearing! But Lat. Oh, goodness keep us! Who's this? Who are you? What are you? Bell. Soh. Lat. In the name of the-Oh! good, my dear, don't come near it; I'm afraid it is the devil; indeed it has hoofs, dear. Fond. Indeed, and I have horns, dear-The devil, no, I'm afraid, 'tis the flesh, thou harlot.Dear, with the pox. Come, syren, speak, confess, who is this reverend, brawny pastor? | Lat. Indeed, and indeed now, my dear Nykin -I never saw this wicked man before. Fond. Oh, it is a man then, it seems. Lat. Rather, sure, it is a wolf in the cloathing of a sheep. Fond. Thou art a devil in his proper cloathing, woman's flesh. What, you know nothing of him, but his fleece here? You don't love mutton? you Magdalen unconverted. Bell. Well, now I know my cue: That is, very honourably to excuse her, and very impudently accuse myself, [Aside. Lat. Why then, I wish I may never enter into the heaven of your embraces again, my dear, if ever I saw his face before. Fond. O Lord! O strange !-I am in admiration of your impudence. Look at him a little beter; he is more modest, I warrant you, than to deny it. Come, were you two never face to face before? speak. Bell. Since all artifice is vain, and I think myself obliged to speak the truth in justice to your wife,- -No. Fond. Humph. Lat. No, indeed, indeed, dear. Fond. Nay, I find you are both in a story, that I must confess. But, what-not to be cured of the cholic? Don't you know your patient, Mrs Quack? Oh, lie upon your stomach; lying upon your stomach will cure you of the cholic. Ah! I wish he has lain upon no body's stomach but his own. Answer me that, Jezabel? Lat. Let the wicked man answer for himself; does he think that I have nothing to do, but to excuse him? 'tis enough, if I can clear my own innocence to my own dear. Bell. By my troth, and so 'tis-I have been a little too backward, that's the truth on't. Fond. Come, sir, who are you, in the first place? and what are you? Bell. A whoremaster. Fond. Very concise. Lat. O beastly, impudent creature! Fond. Good again. A very civil person this, and I believe speaks truth. Lat. Oh, insupportable impudence! Fond. Well, sir, pray be covered—and you have-Heh! You have finished the matter, heh? And I am, as I should be, a sort of a civil perquisite to a whoremaster, called a cuckold, heh. Is it not so? Come, I'm inclining to believe every word you say. Bell. Why, faith I must confess, so I design'd you-But you were a little unlucky in coming so soon, and hindered the making of your own for tune. Fond. Humph! nay, if you mince the matter once, and go back of your word, you are not the person I took you for. Come, come, go on boldly.-What, don't be ashamed of your profession -Confess, confess, I shall love thee the better for it-I shall, i'feck.-What, dost think I don't know how to behave myself in the employment of a cuckold, and have been three years appren tice to matrimony? Come, come, plain-dealing is a jewel. Bell. Well, since I see thou art a good honest fellow, I'll confess the whole matter to thee. Fond. Oh, I am a very honest fellow-You never lay with an honester man's wife in your life. Lat. How my heart aches! All my comfort lies in his impudence, and, heaven be praised, he has a considerable portion. [Aside. Bell. In short then, I was informed of the opportunity of your absence, by my spy, (for faith, honest Isaac, I have a long time designed thee this favour) I knew Spintext was to come by your direction.But I laid a trap for him, and procured his habit; in which, I passed upon your servants, and was conducted hither. I pretended a fit of the cholic, to excuse my lying down upon your bed; hoping that, when she heard of it, her good-nature would bring her to administer remedies for my distemper.-You know what might have followed-But, like an uncivil person, you knocked at the door before your wife was come to me. Fond. Ha! This is apocryphal; I may choose whether I will believe it or no. Bell. That you may, faith, and I hope you won't believe a word on't-but I cann't help telling the truth for my life. Fond. How would you not have me believe, say you? Bell. No; for then you must of consequence part with your wife, and there will be some hopes of having her upon the public; then the encouragement of a separate maintenance Fond. No, no, for that matter-when she and I part, she'll carry her separate maintenance about her. Lat. Ah, cruel dear, how can you be so barbarous? You'll break my heart, if you talk of parting. [Cries. Fond. Ah! dissembling vermin! Bell. How canst thou be so cruel, Isaac? Thou hast the heart of a mountain-tiger. By the faith of a sincere sinner, she's innocent for me. Go to him, madam, fling your snowy arms about his stubborn neck; [She goes, and hangs upon his neck, | and kisses him. BELL. kisses her hand behind FONDLEWIFE'S back.] bathe his relentless face in your salt trickling tears.-So, a few soft words, and a kiss, and the good man melts. See how kind nature works, and boils over in him. | Lat. Indeed, my dear, I was but just come down stairs, when you knocked at the door; and the maid told me Mr Spintext was ill of the cholic upon our bed.-And won't you speak to me, cruel Nykin? indeed I'll die, if you don't. Fond. Ah! No, no, I cannot speak, my heart's so full-I have been a tender husband, a tender yoke-fellow, you know I have-but thou hast been a faithless Dalilah, and the Philistines have been upon thee. Heh! Art thou not vile and unclean, heh ? speak. Lat. No-h. [Weeping. [Sighing. Fond. Oh, that I could believe thee! [Seeming to faint. Fond. Heh, how! No, stay, stay, I will believe thee, I will-Pray bend her forward, sir. Lat. Oh! oh! where is my dear? Fond. Here, here; I do believe thee-I won't believe my own eyes. Bell. For my part, I am so charmed with the love of your turtle to you, that I'll go and solicit matrimony with all my might and main. Fond. Well, well, sir; as long as I believe it, 'tis well enough. No thanks to you, sir, for her virtue.-But, I'll show you the way out of my house, if you please. Come, my dear. Nay, I will believe thee, I do, i'feck. Bell. See the great blessing of an easy faith; opinion cannot err. No husband, by his wife, can be deceived; [Exeunt. SCENE I.-The Street. ACT V. Lucy. An executioner, qualified to do your business. He has been lawfully ordain'd. Heart. I'll pay him well, if you'll break the matter to him. Lucy. I warrant you-Do you go and prepare your bride. [Exit HEARTWELL. Bell. Humph, sits the wind there? a lucky rogue am I! Oh, what sport will be here, if I can persuade this wench to secrecy! Lucy. Sir: reverend sirBell. Madam. [Discovers himself. Lucy. Now, goodness have mercy upon me! Mr Bellmour, is it you? What Bell. Even I. What dost think? Lucy. Think! that I should not believe my eyes, and that you are not what you seem to be. Bell. True. But, to convince thee who I am, thou knowest my old token. [Kisses her. Lucy. Nay, Mr Bellmour-O Lard! I believe you are a parson in good earnest, you kiss so devoutly. Bell. Well, your business with me, Lucy? with, Lucy- -Come, I know the intrigue between Heartwell and your mistress; and you mistook me for Tribulation Spintext, to marry 'em. -Ha? Are not matters in this posture? Confess:Come, I'll be faithful; I will i'faith What, diffide in me, Lucy? Lucy. Alas-a-day! you and Mr Vainlove between you have ruin'd my poor mistress: You have made a gap in her reputation; and can you blame her if she stop it up with a husband ? Bell. Well, is it as I say? Lucy. Well, it is then: But you'll be secret. Bell. Poh, secret! ay :-and, to be out of thy debt, I'll trust thee with another secret. Your mistress must not marry Heartwell, Lucy. Lucy. How! O Lord Bell. Nay, don't be in a passion, Lucy—I'll provide a fitter husband for her.-Come, here's earnest of my good intentions for thee too; let this mollify. Gives her money.] Look you, Heartwell is my friend; and, though he be blind, I must not see him fall into the snare, and unwittingly marry a whore. Lucy, Whore! I'd have you to know my mis tress scorns Bell. Nay, nay: Look you, Lucy; there are whores of as good quality.-But to the purpose, if you will give me leave to acquaint you with it. Do you carry on the mistake of me; I'll marry 'em.-Nay, don't pause; If you do, I'll spoil all. -I have some private reasons for what I do, which I'll tell you within. In the mean time, I promise, and rely upon me, to help your mistress to a husband: Nay, and thee too, Lucy-here's my hand, I will; with a fresh assurance. [Gives her more money. Lucy. Ah, the devil is not so cunning! -You know my easy nature.-Well, for once I venture to serve you; but if you do deceive me, the curse of all kind, tender-hearted women light upon you! Bell. That's as much as to say, the pox take me.-Well, lead on. [Exeunt. Enter VAINLOVE, SHARPER, and SETTER. Sharp. Just now, say you, gone in with Lucy? Set. I saw him, sir, and stood at the corner where you found me, and overheard all they said. Mr Bellmour is to marry 'em. Sharp. Ha, ha! 'Twill be a pleasant cheatI'll plague Heartwell when I see him. Pr'ythee, Frank, let's teaze him, make him fret till he foam at the mouth, and disgorge his matrimonial oath with interest.-Come, thou'rt so musty. Set. [To SHARPER.] Sir, a word with you. [Whispers him. Vain. Sharper swears she has forsworn the letter-I'm sure he tells me truth; but I am not sure she told him truth: Yet she was unaffectedly concerned, he says, and often blush'd with anger and surprise.-And so I remember, in the Park. She had reason, if I wrong her I begin to doubt ? Sharp. Say'st thou so! Sel. This afternoon, sir, about an hour before my master received the letter. Sharp. In my conscience, like enough. Sel. Ay, I know her, sir; at least I'm sure I can fish it out of her she's the very sluice to her lady's secrets-'Tis but setting her mill a-going, and I can drain her of 'em all. Sharp. Here, Frank, your blood-hound has made out the fault; this letter, that so sticks in thy maw, is counterfeit; only a trick of Silvia in revenge, contrived by Lucy. Vain. Ha! it has a colour-But how do you know it, sirrah? Set. I do suspect as much; because why, sirshe was pumping me about how your worship's affairs stood towards madam Araminta; as, when you had seen her last? when you were to see her next? and where you were to be found at that time? and such like. Vain. And where did you tell her? Vain There I received the letter-It must be so-And why did you not find me out, to tell me this before, sot? Set. Sir, I was pimping for Mr Bellmour. Sharp. You were well employed-I think there is no objection to the excuse. Vain. Pox o' my saucy credulity-If I have lost her, I deserve it. But if confession and repentance be of force, I'll win her, or weary her into a forgiveness. [Exit. Sharp. Methinks I long to see Bellmour come forth. Enter BELLMOUR. Set. Talk of the devil-see where he comes. Sharp. Hugging himself in his prosperous mischief-No real fanatic can look better pleased after a successful sermon of sedition. Bell. Sharper! fortify thy spleen: Such a jest! Speak when thou art ready. Sharp. Now, were I ill-natured, would I utterly disappoint thy mirth: Hear thee tell thy mighty jest, with as much gravity as a bishop hears vene real causes in the spiritual court: Not so much as wrinkle my face with one smile; but let thee look simply, and laugh by thyself. Bell. Pshaw, no; I have a better opinion of thy wit- -Gad, I defy thee Sharp. Were it not loss of time, you should make the experiment. But honest Setter here overheard you with Lucy, and has told me all. Bell. Nay then, I thank thee for not putting me out of countenance. But, to tell you something you don't know-I got an opportunity (after I married 'em) of discovering the cheat to Silvia. She took it at first, as another woman would the like disappointment; but my promise to make her amends quickly with another husband, somewhat pacified her. Sharp. But how the devil do you think to acquit yourself of your promise? Will you marry her yourself? Bell. I have no such intentions at present Pr'ythee, wilt thou think a little for me? I am sure the ingenious Mr Setter will assist. Set. O Lord, sir! Bell. I'll leave him with you, and go shift my habit. [Erit. Enter Sir JOSEPH and BLUFFE. Sharp. Heh! Sure Fortune has sent this fool hither on purpose. Setter, stand close; seem not to observe 'em, and, hark'e- [Whispers. Bluff. Fear him not. i am prepared for him now; and he shall find he might have safer roused a sleeping lion! Sir Jos. Hush, hush! don't you see him? Bluff. Shew him to me. Where is he? Sir Jos. Nay, don't speak so loud-I don't jest, as I did a little while ago Look yonder"Egad, if he should hear the lion roar, he'd cudgel him into an ass, and his primitive braying. Don't you remember the story in Æsop's Fables, bully? Egad, there are good morals to be pick'd out of Esop's Fables, let me tell you that; and Reynard the Fox too. Bluff. Damn your morals! Sharp. Well, I'll go and inform your master; and do you press her to make all the haste imaginable. [Exit. Set. Were I a rogue now, what a noble prize could I dispose of! A goodly pinnace, richly laden, and to launch forth under my auspicious convoy. Twelve thousand pounds, and all her rigging; besides what lies concealed under hatches. -Ha! All this committed to my care! Avaunt, temptation!-Setter, shew thyself a person of worth; be true to thy trust, and be reputed honest. Reputed honest! hum! Is that all? Ay: For to be honest is nothing; the reputation of it is all. Repu ation! What have such poor rogues as I to do with reputation? 'tis above us; and for tion is e'en as foolish as honesty. And for my men of quality, they are above it; so that reputahis hand, I'll dispose of mine to the best advanif I meet Sir Joseph with a purse of gold in tage. Sir Jos. Heh, heh, heh! Here 'tis for you, i'faith, Mr Setter. Nay, I'll take you at your word. [Chinking a purse. part, Set. Sir Joseph and the captain too! Undone, undone! I'm undone, my master's undone, my lady's undone, and all the business is undone. Sir Jos. Pr'ythec, don't speak so loud. Bluff. Damn your morals! I must revenge the affront done to my honour. [In a low voice. Sir Jos. Ay: Do, do, captain, if you think fit-siness shall be done. What-Come, Mr SetSir Jos. No, no, never fear, man, the lady's buting-You may dispose of your own flesh as you think fitting, d'ye see! But, by the Lord Harry, I'll leave you. (Stealing away upon his tip-toes. Bluff. Prodigious! What, will you forsake your friend in extremity? You cann't in honour refuse to carry him a challenge? [Almost whispering, and treading softly after him. Sir Jos. Pr'ythee, what do you see in my face, that looks as if I would carry a challenge? Honour is your province, captain; take it-All the world know me to be a knight, and a man of worship. Set. I warrant you, sir, I'm instructed. Sharp. Impossible! Araminta take a liking to [Aloud. Set. Her head runs on nothing else, nor she can talk of nothing else. a fool! Sharp. I know she commended him all the while we were in the Park; but I thought it had been only to make Vainlove jealous Sir Jos. How's this! Good bully, hold your breath, and let's hearken. 'Egad this must be I.Sharp. Death, it cann't be.- -An oaf, an idi ot, a wittol. Sir Jos. Ay, now it's out; 'tis I, my own individual person. Sharp. A wretch, that has flown for shelter to the lowest shrub of mankind, and seeks protec tion from a blasted coward. Sir Jos. That's you, bully Back. [BLUFFE frowns upon Sir JOSEPH. Sharp. She has given Vainlove her promise to -Has marry him before to-morrow morning.she not? Set. She has, sir; and I have it in charge to attend her all this evening, in order to conduct her to the place appointed. ter, I have overheard all, and to speak is but loss Sir Jos. 'Tis too little; there's more, man. Sir Jos. And how, and how, good Setter, did the little rogue look, when she talk'd of Sir Joseph? Did not her eyes twinkle, and her mouth water? Did not she pull up her little bubbies? And-'egad, I'm so overjoy'd-and stroke down her belly? and then step aside to tie her garter, when she was thinking of her love, heh, Setter? Set. Oh, yes, sir! Sir Jos. How now, bully? What, melancholy, I'll make your peace-I know they were a little because I'm in the lady's favour?-No matter, smart upon you- -But I warrant I'll bring you into the lady's good graces. Buff Pshaw, I have petitions to show from other-guess toys than she. Look here; these were sent me this morning-There, read, [Shows letters.] That-that's a scrawl of quality. Here, here's from a countess too. Hum- -No, hold -that's from a knight's wife; she sent it me by her husband-But here-But these are from sons of great quality. per Sir Jos. They are either from persons of great quality, or no quality at all, 'tis such a damn'd ugly hand. [While Sir JOSEPH reads, BLUFFE whispers SETTER, Set. Captain, I would do any thing to serve you; but this is so difficult Bluff. Not at all! Don't I know him? Set. You'll remember the conditions?Bluff. I'll give't you under my hand-In the mean time, here's earnest. [Gives him money. Come, knight, I'm capitulating with Mr Setter for you. Sir Jos. Ah, honest Setter-Sirrah, I'll give thee any thing but a night's lodging. [Exeunt. Enter SHARPER, tugging in HEARrtwell. Sharp. Nay, pr'ythee leave railing, and come along with me: May be she mayn't be within; 'tis but to yon corner-house. Heart. Whither? Whither? Which cornerhouse? Sharp. Why, there: The Two White Posts. Heart. And who would you visit there, say you?-O'ons, how my heart aches! Sharp. Pshaw! thou'rt so troublesome and inquisitive Why, I'll tell you; 'tis a young creature that Vainlove debauch'd, and has forsaken. Did you never hear Bellmour chide him about Silvia? Heart. Death and hell, and marriage! My wife! [Aside. Sharp. Why, thou art as musty as a new-married man, that had found his wife knowing the first night. Heart. Hell and the devil! Does he know it? But hold-if he should not, I were a fool to discover it'll dissemble, and try him. [Aside.] Ha, ha, ha! Why, Tom, is that such an occasion of melancholy? Is it such uncommon mischief? Sharp. No, faith; I believe not.-Few women but have their year of probation, before they are cloister'd in the narrow joys of wedlock. But, pr'ythee, come along with me, or I'll go and have the lady to myself by the way, George. [Going. Heart. O torture! How he racks and tears me!-Death! Shall I own my shame, or wittingly let him go and whore my wife? No, that's insupportable- -Oh, Sharper! Shurp. How now? Sharp. Now hold, spleen!-Married! Heart. Certainly, irrecoverably married. Sharp. Heaven forbid, man! How long? Heart. Oh, an age, an age! I have been married these two hours. Sharp. My old bachelor married! that were a jest. Ha, ha, ha! Heart. Death! D'ye mock me? Hark ye, if either you esteem my friendship, or your own safety, come not near that house-that cornerhouse-that hot brothel. Ask no questions. Sharp. Mad, by this light. [Exit. Thus grief still treads upon the heels of plea sure: Married in haste, we may repent at leisure. SETTER entering. Set. Some by experience find those words misplaced; At leisure married, they repent in haste. As I suppose my master Heartwell. Sharp. Here again, my Mercury! Set. Sublimate, if you please, sir; I think my achievements do deserve the epithet-Mercury was a pimp too, but, though I blush to own it, at this time, I must confess I am somewhat fallen from the dignity of my function, and do condescend to be scandalously employed in the promotion of vulgar matrimony. Sharp. As how, dear dexterous pimp? Set. Why, to be brief, (for I have weighty affairs depending,) our stratagem succeeded as you intended-Bluffe turns arrant traitor; bribes me to make a private conveyance of the lady to him, and put a sham-settlement upon Sir Joseph. Sharp. O rogue! Well, but I hope Set. No, no; never fear me, sir--I privately informed the knight of the treachery; who has agreed seemingly to be cheated, that the captain may be so in reality. Sharp. Where's the bride? Set. Shifting cloaths for the purpose, at a friend's house of mine. Here's company coming; if you'll walk this way, sir, I'll tell you. [Exeunt. Enter BELLMOUR, BELINDA, ARAMINTA, and VAINLOVE. Vain. Oh, 'twas a frenzy all: Cannot you forgive it?-Men in madness have a title to your pity. [To ARAMINTA. Aram. Which they forfeit, when they are restored to their senses. Vain. I am not presuming beyond a pardon. Aram. You who could reproach me with one counterfeit, how insolent would a real pardon make you! But there's no need to forgive what is not worth my anger. Belin. O' my conscience, I could find in my heart to marry thee, purely to be rid of theeAt least, thou art so troublesome a lover, there's hopes thou'lt make a more than ordinary quiet husband. [To BELLMOUR. Bell. Say you so ?- -Is that a maxim among ye? Belin. Yes; you flattering men of the mode have made marriage a mere French dish. Bell. I hope there's no French sauce. [Aside. Belin. You are so curious in the preparation, that is, your courtship, one would think you meant a noble entertainment; but when we come to feed, 'tis all froth, and poor, but in show: nay, often only remains, which have been I know not how many times warmed for other company, and at last served up cold to the wife. Bell. That were a miserable wretch indeed, who could not afford one warm dish for the wife of his bosom-But you timorous virgins form a dreadful chimera of a husband, as of a creature |