may see quality in every limb of him: he's a fine man, truly. Flip. I think you are in love with him, Mrs Amlet. Mrs Am. Alas, those days are done with me; but if I were as fair as I was once, and had as much money as some folks, Colonel Shapely should not catch cold for want of a bed-fellow. I love your men of rank; they have something in their air does so distinguish 'em from the rascality. Flip. People of quality are fine things indeed, Mrs Amlet, if they had but a little more money; but for want of that, they are forced to do things their great souls are ashamed of. For examplehere's my lady-she owes you but six-and-fifty pounds Mrs Am. Well. quality, is a sacred thing, and not to be profan'd; 'tis consecrated to their pleasures: 'twould be sacrilege to pay their debts with it. Mrs Am. Why, what shall we do then? For I ha'n't one penny to buy bread. Flip. I'll tell you-it just now comes in my head: I know my lady has a little occasion for money at this time; so-if you lend her—a hundred pounds-do you see, then she may pay you your six-and-fifty out of it. Mrs Am. Sure, Mrs Flippanta, you think to make a fool of me. Flip. No, the devil fetch me if I do--You Mrs Am. Say no more. Bring the necklace to Flip. Well, and she has it not by her to pay my house: it shall be ready for you. you. Mrs Am. How can that be? Flip. I don't know: her cash-keeper's out of humour: he says he has no money. Mrs Am. What a presumptuous piece of vermin is a cash-keeper! Tell his lady he has no money?-Now, Mrs Flippanta, you may see his bags are full, by his being so saucy. Flip. If they are, there's no help for't; he'll do what he pleases, till he comes to make up his yearly accounts. Mrs Am. But madam plays sometimes; so when she has good fortune, she may pay me out of her winnings. Flip. O, ne'er think of that, Mrs Amlet: if she had won a thousand pounds, she'd rather die in a jail, than pay off a farthing with it. Play-money, Mrs Amlet, amongst people of So Flip. I'll be with you in a moment. FLIPPANTA sola. [Exit AMLET. this ready money will make us all happy : this spring will set our basset-table going, and that's a wheel will turn twenty others. My lady's young and handsome; she'll have a dozen intrigues upon her hands, before she has been twice at her prayers. So much the better: the more the grist, the richer the miller. Sure never wench got into so hopeful a place: Here's a fortune to be sold, a mistress to be debauched, and a master to be ruined. If I don't feather my nest, and get a good husband, I deserve to die both a maid and a beggar. (Exit. before she can come abroad, is so long a placing her coquette-patch, that I must be a year without company. How insupportable is a moment's uneasiness to a woman of spirit and pleasure! Enter FLIPPANTA. Enter ARAMINTA, Clar. Lard, what a tedious while you have let me expect you! I was afraid you were not well. How d'ye do to-day? Aram. As well as a woman can do, that has not. slept all night. Flip. Methinks, madam, you are pretty well Clar. O, art thou come at last? Pr'ythee, Flippanta, learn to move a little quicker: thou know-awake, however. est how impatient I am. Flip. Yes, when you expect money: If you had sent me to buy a prayer-book, you'd have thought I had flown. Clar. Well, hast thou brought me any, after all? Aram. O, 'tis not a little thing will make a woman of my vigour look drowsy. Clar. But, pr'ythee, what was't disturbed you? Aram. Not your husband; don't trouble yourself at least; I am not in love with him yet. Clar. Well remembered; I had quite forgot that Flip. Yes, I have brought some. There, [Gi-matter. I wish you much joy: you have made a ving her a purse; the old hag has struck off her bill; the rest is in that purse. Clar. 'Tis well; but take care, Flippanta, my husband don't suspect any thing of this: 'twould vex him, and I don't love to make him uneasy: so I would spare him these little sort of troubles, by keeping 'em from his knowledge. Flip. See the tenderness she has for him, and yet he's always complaining of you. Clar. 'Tis the nature of 'em, Flippanta: a husband is a growling animal. Fip. How exactly you define 'em! Clar. O! I know 'em, Flippanta: though, I confess, my poor wretch diverts me sometimes with his ill humours. I wish he would quarrel with me to-day a little, to pass away the time, for I find myself in a violent spleen. Flip. Why, if you please to drop yourself in his way, six to four but he scolds one rubbers with you. Clar. Ay, but thou knowest he's as uncertain as the wind; and if, instead of quarrelling with me, he should chance to be fond, he'd make me as sick as a dog. Flip. If he's kind, you must provoke him; if he kisses you, spit in his face. Clar. Alas, when men are in the kissing fit, (like lap-dogs,) they take that for a favour. Flip. Nay, then, I don't know what you'll do with him. Clar. I'll e'en do nothing at all with him.Flippanta. Flip. Madam. [Yawning. Clar. My hood and scarf, and a coach to the door. Flip. Why, whither are you going? Clar. I cann't tell yet, but I would go spend some money, since I have it. Flip. Why, you want nothing, that I know of. Clar. How awkward an objection now is that, as if a woman of education bought things because she wanted 'em! Quality always distinguishes itself; and therefore, as the mechanic people buy things because they have occasion for 'em, you see women of rank always buy things because they have not occasion for 'em. Now there, Flippanta, you see the difference between a woman that has breeding, and one that has none. Oho! here's Araminta come at last. noble conquest indeed. Aram. But now I have subdued the country, pray is it worth my keeping? You know the ground: you have tried it. Clar. A barren soil, Heaven can tell. Aram. Yet if it were well cultivated, it would produce something, to my knowledge. Do you know 'tis in my power to ruin this poor thing of yours? His whole estate is at my service. Flip. Cods-fish! strike him, madam, and let my lady go your halves. There's no sin in plundering a husband, so his wife has share of the booty. Aram. Whenever she gives me her orders, I shall be very ready to obey 'em. Clar. Why, as odd a thing as such a project may seem, Araminta, I believe I shall have a lit tle serious discourse with you about it. But, pr'ythee, tell me how you have passed the night; for I am sure your mind has been roving upon some pretty thing or other. Aram. Why, I have been studying all the ways my brain could produce to plague my husband. Clar. No wonder, indeed, you look so fresh this morning, after the satisfaction of such plea sing ideas all night. Aram. Why, can a woman do less than study mischief, when she has tumbled and tossed her self into a burning fever for want of sleep, and secs a fellow lie snoring by her side, stock-still, in a fine breathing sweat? Clar. Now see the difference of women's tem pers: If my dear would make but one nap of his whole life, and only waken to make his will, I should be the happiest wife in the universe. But we'll discourse more of these matters as we go, for I must make a tour among the shops. Aram. I have a coach waits at the door: we'll talk of 'em as we rattle along. Clar. The best place in nature; for you know a hackney-coach is a natural enemy to a husband. [Exeunt CLAR. and ARAM. FLIPPANTA sola. What a pretty little pair of amiable persons are there gone to hold a council of war together! Poor birds! What would they do with their time, if plaguing their husbands did not help 'em to employment! Well, if idleness be the root of all evil, then matrimony's good for something; for it VANBURGH.] THE CONFEDERACY. Cor. Then I'll go my chamber again. Flip. Nay, hold a little, if you please. I have some business with you myself, of more concern than what she had to say to you. Cor. Make haste then, for you know my father won't let me keep your company; he says, you'll spoil me. Flip. I spoil you! He's an unworthy man, to give you such ill impressions of a woman of my honour. Cor. Nay, never take it to heart, Flippanta, for But he does so I don't believe a word he says. plague me with his continual scolding, I'm almost weary of my life. Flip. Why, what is't he finds fault with? Cor. Nay, I don't know, for I never mind him; when he has babbled for two hours together, methinks I have heard a mill going, that's all it does not at all change my opinion, Flippanta: it only makes my head ache. Flip. Nay, if you can bear it so, you are not to be pitied so much as I thought. Cor. Not pitied! Why, is it not a miserable thing, such a young creature as I am should be kept in perpetual solitude, with no other company but a parcel of old fumbling masters, to teach me geography, arithmetic, philosophy, and a thousand useless things? Fine entertainment, indeed, for a young maid at sixteen! Methinks one's time might be better employed. Flip. Those things will improve your wit. Cor. Fiddle, faddle! Ha'n't I wit enough already? My mother-in-law has learned none of this trumpery, and is not she as happy as the day is long? Flip. Then you envy her, I find? Does she not do what Cor. And well I may. she has a mind to, in spite of her husband's teeth? Flip. Look you there now. [Aside.] If she has not already conceived that as the supreme blessing of life! Cor. I'll tell you what, Flippanta; if my mother-in-law would but stand by me a little, and encourage me, and let me keep her company, I'd rebel against my father to-morrow, and throw all my books in the fire. Why, he cann't touch a groat of my portion: do you know that, Flippanta? Flip. So I shall spoil her. [Aside.] Pray Cor. Look you: In short, he may think what Flip. Very well, I love to see a young woman Cor. Ah, Flippanta, if you would but encou rage me, you'll find me quite another thing. I'm a devilish girl in the bottom. I wish you'd but let me make one amongst you. Flip. That never can be, till you are married. Come, examine your strength a little. Do you think you durst venture upon a husband? Cor. A husband! Why, a-if you would but encourage me. Come, Flippanta, be a true friend I'll give you advice, when I have got a litnow. tle more experience. Do you in your very conscience and soul think I am old enough to be married? Flip. Old enough! Why, you are sixteen, are you not? Cor. Sixteen! I am sixteen, two months, and I keep an exact account. odd days, woman. Flip. The deuce you are! Cor. Why, do you then truly and sincerely think I am old enough? Flip. I do, upon my faith, child. Cor. Why then, to deal as fairly with you, have thought so Flippanta, as you do with me, any time these three years. Flip. Now I find you have more wit than ever I thought you had; and to shew you what an opinion I have of your discretion, I'll shew you a thing I thought to have thrown in the fire. Cor. What is it, for Jupiter's sake? Flip. Something will make your heart chuck within you. Cor. My dear Flippanta! Flip. What do you think it is? Cor. I don't know, nor I don't care, but I'm mad to have it. Flip. It's a four-cornered thing. Cor. What, like a cardinal's cap? in it? Flip. Yes, and a precious one too. There's a handsome young gentleman's heart. Cor. A handsome young gentleman's heart![dside.] Nay, then, it's time to look grave. Flip. There. Cor. I sha'n't touch it. Flip. What's the matter now Cor. You'll find I don't. I understand myself better than to take letters, when I don't know who they are from. Flip. I am afraid I commended your wit too soon. Cor. 'Tis all one: I sha'n't touch it, unless I know who it comes from. Flip. Hey-day! open it, and you'll see. had it. then I must return it where I Cor. That won't serve your turn, madam. My father must have an account of this. Flip. Sure you are not in earnest? Flip. So, here's fine work. This 'tis to deal with girls before they come to know the distinction of sexes. Cor. Confess who you had it from, and perhaps, for this once, I mayn't tell my father. Fp. Why then, since it must out, 'twas the colonel. But why are you so scrupulous, madam? Cor. Because if it had come from any body else I would not have given a farthing for it. [Twitching it eagerly out of her hand. Flip. Ah, my dear little rogue. [Kissing her.] You frightened me out of my wits. Cor. Let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, let me read it, I say. Um, um, um—“ Cupid's” —um, um, um—"Darts"-um, um, um-"Beauty"-um-"Charms"-um, um, um-" Angel" -um-" Goddess"-um- -[Kissing the letter]——um, um, um-" Truest lover"-hum, um-" Eternal constancy"-um, um, um“Cruel”—um, um, um-" Racks"-um, um"Tortures"-um, um-"Fifty daggers"-um, um "Bleeding heart"-um, um-" Dead man." -Very well, a mighty civil letter, I promise you; not one smutty word in it: I'll go lock it up in my comb-box. Flip. Well-but what does he say to you? Cor. Not a word of news, Flippanta; 'tis all about business. Flip. Does he not tell you he's in love with you? Cor. Ay, but he told me that before. Flip. How so? He never spoke to you. Cor. He sent me word by his eyes. Flip. Did he so? Mighty well! I thought you had been to learn that language. Cor. O, but you thought wrong, Flippanta. What, because I don't go a visiting, and see the world, you think I know nothing. But you shou'd consider, Flippanta, that the more one's alone, the more one thinks; and 'tis thinking that improves a girl. I'll have you to know, when I was younger than I am now, by more than I'll boast of, I thought of things would have made you stare again. Flip. Well, since you are so well vers'd in your business, I suppose I need not inform you, that if y u don't write your gallant an answer -he'll die. Cor. Nay, now, Flippanta, I confess you tell me something I did not know before. Do you speak in serious sadness? Are men given to die, if their mistresses are sour to 'em? Flip. Um-I cann't say they all die-No, I cann't say they all do; but, truly, I believe it wou'd go very hard with the colonel. Cor. Lard, I would not have my hands in blood for thousands; and therefore, Flippanta-if you'll encourage me Flip. O, by all means an answer. Cor. Well, since you say it then, I'll e'en in and do it, tho' I protest to you, (lest you should think me too forward now,) he's the only man that wears a beard, I'd ink my fingers for. May be, if I marry him, in a year or two's time I mayn't be so nice. FLIPPANTA sola. [Aside. [Exit CORINNA. Now Heaven give him joy; he's like to have a rare wife o' thee. But where there's money, a man has a plaster to his sore. They have a blessed time on't, who marry for love. See!here comes an example-Araminta's dread lord. Enter MONEYTRAP. Mon. Ah, Flippanta! How do you do, good Flippanta? How do you do? Flip. Thank you, sir, well, at your service. Mon. And how does the good family, your master, and your fair mistress? Are they at home? Flip. Neither of them; my master has been gone out these two hours, and my lady is just gone with your wife. Mon. Well, I won't say I have lost my labour, however, as long as I have met with you, Flippanta; for I have wish'd a great while for an opportunity to talk with you a little. You won't take it amiss, if I should ask you a few questions? Flip. Provided you leave me to my liberty in my answers. What's this cot-quean going to pry into now? (Aside. Mon. Pr'ythee, good Flippanta, how do your master and mistress live together? Flip. Live! Why-like man and wife, generally out of humour, quarrel often, seldom agree, complain of one another; and perhaps both have reason. In short, 'tis much as 'tis at your house. Mon. Good lack! But whose side are you generally of? Flip. O' the right side always-my lady's. And if you'll have me give you my opinion of these matters, sir, I do not think a husband can ever be in the right. Mon. Ha! Flip. Little, peeking, creeping, sneaking, stingy, covetous, cowardly, dirty, cuckoldy things. ses. Mon. Ha! Flip. Fit for nothing but tailors and dry-nur Mon. Ha! Flip. A lawyer without knavery. Flip. A courtier without flattery. Flip. A king without an army-or a people with one. Have I drawn him, sir? Mon. Why, truly, Flippanta, I cann't deny but there are some general lines of resemblance. But you know there may be exceptions. Flip. Hark you, sir; shall I deal plainly with you? Had I got a husband, I wou'd put him in mind that he was marry'd as well as I: [Sings. For were I the thing call'd a wife, For a prank that I'd play in an hour. Tol lol la ra tol lol, &c.-Do you observe that, sir? Mon. I do, and think you wou'd be in the right on't. But, pr'ythee, why dost not give this advice to thy mistress? Flip. For fear it should go round to your wife, sir; for you know they are play-fellows. Mon. O, there's no danger of my wife; she knows I'm none of those husbands. Flip. Are you sure she knows that, sir? Mon. Why, I'm a little slovenly; I shift but once a week. Flip. Fough! Mon. I am sometimes out of humour. Mon. I don't give her so much money as she'd have. Flip. Insolent! Mon. And a- -perhaps I may'nt be quite so young as I was. Flip. The devil! Mon. O, but then consider how 'tis on her side, Flippanta. She ruins me with washing, is always out of humour, ever wanting money, and will never be older. Flip. That last article, I must confess, is a little hard upon you. Mon. Ah, Flippanta, didst thou but know the daily provocations I have, thou'dst be the first to excuse my faults. But, now I think on't-Thou art none of my friend; thou dost not love me at all; no, not at all. Flip. And whither is this little reproach going to lead us now? Mon. You have power over your fair mistress, Mon. But what then? You hate me. Mon. There's not a moment's trouble her naughty husband gives her, but I feel it too. Flip. I don't know what you mean. Mon. If she did but know what part I take in her sufferings Flip. Mighty obscure. Mon. Well, I'll say no more; but— Mon. If thou wou'dst but tell her on't. Flip. Ah, now I begin to understand you. Flip. Say no more; now you explain, indeed Mon. Bitterly-and I do swear by all the gods Flip. Hold-Spare 'em for another time; you stand in no need of 'em now. A usurer that parts with his purse, gives sufficient proof of his sincerity. Mon. I hate my wife, Flippanta. Flip. That we'll take upon your bare word. Flip. What pity it is the law don't allow trucking! Mon. If it did, Flippanta! Flip. But since it don't, sir-keep the reins upon your passion: Don't let your flame rage too high, lest my lady shou'd be cruel, and it should dry you up to a mummy. Mon. 'Tis impossible she can be so barbarAlas, Flippanta, a very ous, to let me die. small matter wou'd save my life. Flip. Then y'are dead-for we women never grant any thing to a man who will be satisfied with a little. Mon. Dear Flippanta, that was only my modesty; but since you'll have it out-I am a very dragon; and so your lady'll find-if ever she thinks fit to be-Now I hope you'll stand my friend. Flip. Well, sir, as far as my credit goes, it shall be employ'd in your service. Mon. My best Flippanta-tell her-I'm all hers-tell her-my body's hers--tell her-my soul's hers-and tell her-my estate's hers. Lard have mercy upon me, how I'm in love! Flip. Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark-I hear my master: For Heaven's sake compose yourself a little; you are in such a fit, o' my conscience, he'll smell you out. |