372 HE WHỎ FIGHTS AND RUNS AWAY, MAY," ETC.

looked sometimes like a well-kept lawn, I should not have been half smothered in one: had I known the lower parts of trees were left to rot in the ground, I should not have ridden, like a Tommy Noodle, where I could not see terra firma; and had I known the country like my pioneer, I should, like him, have got to the hounds, and had a good day's sport afterwards, instead of being left staring at a river, and, like the babes in the wood, unwitting how to get to my mamma, or, perhaps, more like a stray bull, kept bellowing till a countryman came up, to whom I was glad to give half-a-crown to put me in the high road.

If this is not thought illustrative enough of the advantages of knowing our danger, and the symptoms of its approach, I will suppose a case. A gentleman has been kicked out of his gig, and has squatted himself by the road-side, philosophically rubbing his shins, and casting his eyes on, or rather after, his horse, which has made off with a portion of the vehicle at his heels; thus gratuitously informing the public that in his case (as in most of our comforts in this life) there is still a something left behind. Now had this gentleman been told that the object of a kicker is to get rid of the kickee and the vehicle from behind him, he would be quite aware that such a finale would by no means contribute to his interest or comfort. This would rouse his suspicions, keep him on the alert, and prevent his going to sleep. This is something got by information, useful though not pleasant: but if we give him the further information, that before kicker goes to work, he will wriggle his tail, and when he intends beginning in earnest, will bring it close to his rump; in that case, at the first wriggle, if he is a wise man, he will trust kicker no further; he will

HOW TO MANAGE A KICKEM-NICKEM,

373 get another horse; or, if he is forced to drive him, he will put on a kicking-strap that he cannot break, pull him on his haunches the moment the tail begins again; and if he is a coachman, and has nerve, will lay the whip on his ears, or in road phrase "take an ear off."

So with Mr. Nickem. I point out what he possibly intends doing, and some of the modes that prelude his kind intentions. The reader is, therefore, aware there may be danger, and learns the symptoms of its reaching him: so he can either change his customer at once, which would perhaps be the wisest plan, or if his convenience makes him use him, put on the kicking-strap at once the moment he begins wriggling, and pull him also on his haunches. Depend on it Nick will have discrimination enough to find out that some one holds the reins of his conduct who will not be trifled with, and who will be quite likely to "take an ear off" him if he begins any of his nonsense; but with such a man he would know too well to (as he would probably term it) "try it on."

We will now see how the selling a horse for (say) eighty, and handing the owner over sixty (this of course minus keep, commission, and sundries), is to be effected.

I have shown how a horse is to be got down to a certain price by a regularly concerted chain of iniquitous practices. In that case Nickem bought him; in this he does not; but has still by other manœuvres got the owner to consent to his being sold at a less price than Nickem knows he shall be able to get for him; or perhaps - from some dislike to the horse, the being obliged to leave the neighbourhood, or from a

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NICKEM ON ANOTHER TACK.

variety of causes-the owner may offer to sell him for less than he knows he is worth: here a Mr. Meddler will again come into use.

Now, in these cases, the chance of detection of course depends a great deal on whether the horse is sold to remain in the neighbourhood or not; and still more, on whether the seller is remaining there, or going away, or abroad. If the latter, God help him! for he is lucky if he does not get "a dig" to his heart's content. If he is likely to remain, more caution is necessary, and he may get off with half his skin instead of being regularly flayed: but in either case, Nickem "makes assurance doubly sure:" he won't give a chance away. Do not suppose you will be able to detect him in any act of rascality he may commit; he will be too deep for you: nor suppose he will even allow a trap to be laid for him; he is too deep for that too.

This reminds me of an old country gentleman who came to London: he had heard a great deal of the handy practices of pickpockets, and thought if he could but detect one, what a story it would be to take to Green Goose Hall! His good lady, Mrs. Oakapple, would hail him a second Munchausen; the windmill exploits of La Mancha's knight, that had whilom expanded the eyes of the expanding Oakapples junior, would sink into insignificance before the hardihood of their stalwart pa, who had taken a live pickpocket! But no such glorious triumph awaited the laudable efforts of the venerable Oakapple. Out he sallied, and having heard that a well-known print and caricature shop (or rather the pathway in front of it) was the arena where many blue bird's-eye fogles had been abstracted, away he went to the scene of action, his nerves strung to deeds of daring, if daring might be

THE BAIT DETECTED.

375

necessary; and, feeling quite certain that whatever any pickpocket might be up to, he should be down on the pickpocket, he left a good long corner of his handkerchief hanging out of his pocket, and with (as he thought) an apparent careless look sauntered before the shop ready for a grab if the trap took. Now mice we know have a predilection for toasted cheese, so have pickpockets for handkerchiefs; but they won't always nibble, and it required a neater hand than friend Oakapple's to bait for the latter marauders. Judge his astonishment and mortification, when a knowing-looking gentleman walked up to him, looked him full in the face, and, pointing to the decoy wipe, clapped him on the shoulder, saying, with a derisive smile, "It won't do, my old cock!" Old cock! what a term to be applied to the head of the Oakapples, a Justice of the Peace, and Lord of Green Goose Manor! Defeated, outwitted, and beat at his own weapons, he could only look all he would have done; then buttoned up the decoy tight in his coat-pocket, determined that, as it was not taken as he wanted, it should not be taken at all, and off in high dudgeon he moved homewards: but pickpockets, like Nickem, have various little ways of doing business. Our worthy friend had not proceeded many paces homewards, growling that his handkerchief had remained in such security, when, to alleviate his chagrin on this subject, whop came a hand on the crown of his hat, down goes the hat over his eyes, and while the decoy flew out of his pocket, away went his watch out of his fob; but, horror of all horrors! what did he hear?" It will do now, old cock!"-On getting his hat to its proper elevation, he only saw half a dozen, blackguard urchins grinning hat, that from its broken lining had nearly blinded

376

OLD, BUT NOT OLD ENOUGH.

him he effected this, when, "It will do now, old cock," from the said urchins, sent him, regardless of around him he merely stopped to shove up his mud, to the middle of the street, where he plunged into a cab, perfectly satisfied that he did not quite know all that might be taught him. In fact, if a man means to get among knowing ones, he must live some years and be pretty wide awake before he can venture to say of and to himself, "You'll do now, old cock!"

It will not do, however, unless I now return to Mr. Nickem; and I will place him by supposition in about as awkward a position as possible, and one that it might be thought difficult to get out of. If he succeeds in doing so with credit to himself, instead of being detected, we must allow he had taken a few more lessons in "wide-awake-ism" than the Lord of Goose Green Manor. Now, the term wide-awake-ism is rather a long one; I allow I certainly never heard it used in a drawing-room, nor is it to be found in Johnson: it is a little manufacture or compilation of my own, of which I am rather proud, and for this reason. Although there is a most mortifying falling off from the talent of the worthy lexicographer to my own, still no half dozen words he ever wrote or used can convey just the same meaning. (I dare say, however, he never intended that they should.) If I wanted to convey an idea of the ridiculous, I would suppose the scene between the Dr. and any man who had told the former that he was wide awake: still to be so is useful sometimes; so it will be seen it was to Nickem.

He had, no matter from what cause, got leave to sell a gentleman's horse for sixty: the gentleman was leaving the place to go abroad, and had taken his place in the mail for that purpose. All this Nickem