Page. I think you know him; master doctor Cains, the renowned French physician. Eva. Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. Page. Why? Eva. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,-and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave, as you would desires to be acquainted withal. Page. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him. Slen. O sweet Aune Page! Shal. It appears so, by his weapons :-Keep them asunder;-here comes doctor Calus. Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY. Mrs. Page. O you are a flattering boy; now I see, you'll be a courtier. Enter FORD. Ford. Well met, mistress Page: Whither go you? Mrs. Page. Truly, Sir, to see your wife: Is she at home? Ford. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company: 1 think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. Mrs. Page. Be sure of that,-two other husbands. Ford. Where had you this pretty weathercock ? Mrs. Page. I cannot tell what the dickens bis name is my husband had him of: what do Page. Nay, good master parson, keep in your you cail your knight's name, sirral? weapon. Shal. So do you, good master doctor. Host. Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English. Caius. I pray you, let-a me speak a word vit your ear: Verefore vill you not meet-a me ? Eva. Pray you, use your patience: In good time. Caius. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. Eva. Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men's humours: I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends; will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb, for missing your meetings and appointments. Caius. Diable !-Jack Rugby,-mine Host de Jarterre, have 1 not stay for him, to kill him have I not, at de place I did appoint? Eva. As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed; I'll be judgment by mine Host of the Garter. Host. Peace, I say, Guallia and Gaul, French and Welsh; soul-curer and body-curer. Caius. Ay, dat is very good! excellent! Host. Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle ? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions, and the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest? my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the noverbs. -Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so:-Give me thy hand, celestial; so.--Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack he the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn :-Follow me, lad of peace; follow, follow, follow. Shal. Trust me, a mad host:-Follow, gentlemen, follow. Slen. O sweet Anne Page! [Exeunt SHAL. SLEN. PAGE, and HOST. Caius. Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make a de sot of us? ha, ha Rob. Sir John Falstaff. Mrs. Page. He, he; I can never hit on's naine. There is such a league between my good man and he !-Is your wife at home, indeed? Ford. Indeed, she is. Mrs. Page. By your leave, Sir;-I am sick, till I see her. [Exeunt Mrs. PAGE, and ROBIN. Ford. Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces-out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind!and Falstaff's boy with her!-Good plots !they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actæon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.+ [Clock strikes.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this, than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm, that Falstaff is there: I will go. Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, Sir Sten. And so must 1, Sir; we have appointed to dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of. Shal. We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and Eva. This is weil; he has made us his vlout-this day we shall have our answer. Page. ing-stog. I desire you, that we may be friends; Sten. I hope I have your good-will, father and let us knog our prains together, to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter. Caius. By gar, vit all my heart; he promise to bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive ine too. Eva. Well, I will smite his noddles:- Pray you, follow. [Exeunt. Page. You have, master Slender; I stand wholly for you :-but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. Caius. Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me; my uursh-a Quickly tell me so mush, Host. What say you to young master Fenton? he capers, be dances, be has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holyday, he smells April and May: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't. Page. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and Poins; be is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, be shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let his take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way. Ford. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster.-Master doctor, you shall go;-so shall you, master Page ;-and you, Sir Hugh. Shal. Well, fare you well-we shall have the freer wooing at master Page's. [Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER. Caius. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. [Exit RUGBY. Host. Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [Exit HOST. Ford. [Aside.] I think, I shall drink in pipewine first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? All. Have with you, to see this monster. Mrs. Ford. I warrant :-What, Robin, I say. Enter Servants with a basket. Mrs. Page. Come, come, come. Mrs. Ford. Here, set it down. Mrs. Page. Give your men the charge; we must be brief. Mrs. Ford. Marry, as I told you before, John, and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and (without any pause or staggering,) take this basket on your shoulders that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch, close by the Thames' side. Mrs. Page. You will do it? Mrs. Ford. I have told them over and over; they lack no direction: Be gone, and come when you are called. [Exeunt SERVANTS, Mrs. Page. Here comes little Robin. Enter ROBIN. Mrs. Ford. How now, my eyas-musket? what news with you? Rob. My master Sir John is come in at your back-door, mistress Ford; and requests your company. Mrs. Page. You little Jack-a-lent, have you been true to us? Rob. Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not of your being here; and bath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he swears, he'll turn me away. Mrs. Page. Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose.-I'll go hide me. Mrs. Ford. Do so :-Go tell thy master, I am alone. Mistress Page, remember yoù your cue. [Exit ROBIN. Mrs. Page. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, biss me. [Exit Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Ford. Go to then; we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross wat'ry pum pion; we'll teach him to know turtles from jays. wish I would thy husband were dead: I' speak it before the best lord, I would make thee my lady. Mrs. Ford. I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady. Fal. Let the court of France show me such another; I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: Thou hast the right arched bent of the brow, that becomes the ship-tire, the tirevaliant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. * Mrs. Ford. A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither. Fal. Thou art a traitor to say so thou would'st make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait, in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune thy foe were not; nature is thy friend: Come, thou canst not hide it. Mrs. Ford. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. Fal. What made me love thee? let that persuade thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds, that come like women in men's ap parel, and smell like Bucklers-bury in simpletime; I cannot but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it. Mrs. Ford. Do not betray me, Sir; I fear you love mistress Page. Fal. Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by the Counter +-gate; which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. Mrs. Ford. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it. Fal. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind. Rob. [Within.] Mistress Ford, mistress Ford! here's mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. Fal. She shall not see me; I will ensconce t me behind the arras. § Mrs. Ford. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman.- [FALSTAFF hides aimself. Enter Mistress PAGE and ROBIN. What's the matter? how now ? Mrs. Page. O mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, you are overthrown, you are undone for ever. Mrs. Ford. What's the matter, good mistress Page? Mrs. Page. O well-a-day, mistress Ford ! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! Mrs. Ford. What cause of suspicion? Mrs. Page. What cause of suspicion ?-Out upon you! how am I mistook in you? Mrs. Ford. Why, alas! what's the matter? Mrs. Page. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor to search for a gentleman, that, he says, is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advan tage of his absence: You are undone. Mrs. Ford. Speak louder.-[Aside.]—'Tis not so, I hope. Mrs. Page. Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you: If you know yourself clear, why I am glad of it: but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for tleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame, so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound, he were out of the house. Mrs. Page. For shame, never stand you had rather, and you had rather; your husband's there at hand, bethink you of some conveyance : in the house you cannot hide him.-Oh! how have you deceived me !-Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking; Or, it is whitingtime, send him by your two inen to Datchet mead. Mrs. Ford. He's too big to go in there: What shall I do? Re-enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't! I'll in, I'll in ;-follow your friend's counsel;-1' in. Mrs. Page. What! Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? Fal. I love thee, and none but thee; help me away let me creep in bere; I'll never [He goes into the basket; they cover him with foul linen. Mrs. Page. Help to cover your master, boy: Call your men, mistress Ford :-You dissembling knight! Mrs. Ford. What, Joun, Robert, John ! [Exit ROBIN Re-enter SERVANTS.] Go, take up these clothes here, quickly: Where's the cowl-staff ?+ look, how you drumble: carry them to the lanndress in Datchet mead; quickly, come. Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it.-How now? whither bear you this? Serv. To the laundress, forsooth. Mrs. Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buckwashing. special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. Mrs. Page. I will lay a plot to try that: And we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. Mrs. Ford. Shail we send that foolish carrion, mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope to betray him to another punishment? Mrs. Puge. We'll do it; let him be sent for to-morrow eight o'clock, to have amends. Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Ford. I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass. Mrs. Page. Heard you that ? Mrs. Ford. Ay, ay, peace:-You use me well, master Ford, do you? Ford. Ay, I do so. Mrs. Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, master Ford. Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it. Eva. If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment ! Caius. By gar, uor I too; dere is no bodies. Page. Fie, fie, master Ford are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not have your distemper in this kind, for the wealth of Windsor Castle. Ford. 'Tis my fault, master Page: 1 suffer for it. Eva. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. Caius. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. Ford. Well ;-I promised you a dinner :Come, come, walk in the park; I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you, Ford. Buck? I would I could wash myself of why I have done this,-Come, wife;-come, the buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I war-mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray rant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall heartily, pardon me. appear.[Exeunt Servants with the basket.]Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox-Let me stop this way first :-So, now uncape. § Page. Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. Ford. True, master Page.-Up, gentlemen; you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen. [Exit. Eva. This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies. Caius. By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: It is not jealous in France. Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. [Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS. Mrs. Page. Is there not a double excellency in this ? Mrs. Ford. know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived or Sir John. Mrs. Page. What a taking was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket? Mrs. Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him, I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we'H a birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush: Shall it be so? Ford. Any thing. Eva. If there is one, I shall make two in the company. Caius. If there be one or two, I shall make-a de turd. Eva. In your teeth for shame. Eva. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the lousy knave, mine host. Caius. Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart. Eva. A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his mockeries. [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-A Room in PAGE's House. Fent. Why, thou must be thyself. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal; II seek to heal it only by his wealth: Mrs. Ford. I think my husband hath some Besides these, other bars he lays before me,—— co:ne l Shal. Be not dismay'd. Slen. No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,-but that I am afeard. Quick. Hark ye; master Slender would speak a word with you. Anne. I come to him.-This is my father's choice. O what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults Shal. She's coming; to her, coz. hadst a fatber! O boy, thou Sten. I had a father, mistress Anne ;-my uncle can tell you good jests of him :-Pray you, uncle, tell mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle. Shal. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. Slen. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire. weman. Slen. Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail,+ under the degree of a 'squire. Mrs. Page. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. Quick. That's my master, master doctor. Anne. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth, And bowl'd to death with turnips. Mrs. Page. Come, trouble not yourself: Gooa master Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy: My daughter will I question how she loves you, And as I find her, so am I affected; 'Till then, farewell, Sir:-She must needs go in; Her father will be angry. [Exeunt Mistress PAGE and ANNE. Fent. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan. Quick. This is my doing, now ;-Nay, said I, will you cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on master Fenton :-this is my doing. Fent. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night Give my sweet Nan this ring: There's for thy pains. [Exit. Quick. Now heaven send thee good fortune ! Shal. He will maintain you like a gentle-A kind heart he hath a woman would ruu through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet, I would my master had mistress Anne; or I would master Slender had ber; or, in sooth, I would master Fenton had her: I will do what I can for them all three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for master Feuton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses; What a beast am 1 to slack + it? Shal. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. Anne. Good master Shallow, let him woo for himself. Shal. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you, Anne. Now, master Slender. Slen. My will? od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest, indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. Anne. I mean, master Slender, what would you with me? Slen. Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you: Your father, and my uncle, have made motions: if it be my luck, so if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go, better than I can: You may ask your father; here he comes. Enter PAGE and Mistress PAGE. Page. Now, master Slender :-Love him, daughter Anne. Why, how now! what does master Fenton here? You wrong me, Sir, thus still to haunt my house : [Exit. SCENE V.-A Room in the Garter Inn. Bard. Here, Sir. Ful. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't. [Exit BARD.] Have I lived to be earried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal; and to be thrown into the Thames? Well; if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a bitch's blind puppies, fifteen i' the litter; and you may know by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a death that I abbor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been, when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy. Re-enter BARDOLPH, with the wine. Bard. Here's mistress Quickly, Sir, to speak with you. Fal. Come let me pour in some sack to 'g Thames water; for my belly's as cold, as in bad swallowed snow balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. Bard. Come in, woman. Enter Mrs. QUICKLY. Quick. By your leave; I cry you mercy Give your worship good-morrow. Fal. Take away these chalices: Go brew me a pottle of sack finely. Bard. With eggs, Sir? Fal. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.-[Exit BARD.]-How now? Quick. Marry, Sir, I come to your worship from mistress Ford. Bu searched it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his band. Well; on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. mark the sequel, master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to bead and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that, full-a man of my kidney,-think of that; that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual was dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horseshoe; think of that ;-hissing hot,-think of that, master Brook. Fal. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough I was thrown into the ford: I have my belly of ford. Quick. Alas the day! good heart, that not her fault: she does so take on with her men: they mistook their erection. Fal. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. Quick. Well, she laments, Sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her busband goes this morning a birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you. Fal. Well, I will visit her: Tell ber so; and bid her think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. Quick. I will tell her. Ford. In good sadness, Sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more. Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is thou? Quick. Eight and nine, Sir. Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. Quick. Peace be with you, Sir! [Exit. Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent me word to stay within; I like his money well. O here he comes. Enter FORD. Ford. Bless you, Sir ! Fal. Now, master Brook? you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife? Ford. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; was at her house the hour she appointed me. Ford. And how speed you, Sir? Fal. Very ill-favouredly, master Brook. Ford. How so, Sir? Did she change her determination? the hour, master Brook. Ford. 'Tis past eight already, Sir. Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to ine at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your en joying her; Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this I'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets!-Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that guides him Fal. No, master Brook; but the peaking should aid him, I will search impossible places. cornuto, her husband, master Brook, dwelling in Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the what I would not, shall not make me tame : instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, if I have horns to make one mad, let the prokissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad. [Exit. logue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble f his companions, thither provoked and in>tigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. Ford. What, while you were there? Ford. And did he search for you, and could not find you? Fal. You shall bear. As good luck would have it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, by her invention, and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket! Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell, that ever offended nostril. Ford. And how long lay you there? Fal. Nay, you shall hear master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave would have • Cups. ACT IV. SCENE 1.-The Street. Enter Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. QUICKLY, and think'st thou. sently: but truly, he is very courageous ý mad, about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly. but bring my young man here to school: Look, Mrs. Page. I'll be with her by and by; I'll where his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see. |