and I have seen him agonized with the pain which my very shafts had given him, whilst I was foremost to arraign the scurrility of the age, and encourage him to disregard it: the practice I had been in of masking my style facilitated my attacks upon every body, who either moved my envy or provoked my spleen. ing myself from the accusation; yet to seek an interview with this irascible man was a service of some danger: chance threw the opportunity in my way, which I had probably else wanted spirit so invite: I accosted him with all imagi nable civility, and made the strongest asseverations of my innocence: whether I did this with a servility that might aggravate his suspicion, or that he had others impressed upon him besides those I was labouring to remove, so it was, that he treated all I said with the most contemptuous incredulity, and elevated his voice to a tone that petrified me with fear, bade me avoid his sight, threatening me both with words and actions in a manner too humiliating to relate. "The meanest of all passions had now taken entire possession of my heart, and I surrendered myself to it without a struggle: still there was a consciousness about me that sunk me in my own esteem, and when I met the eye of a man whom I had secretly defamed, I felt abashed; society became painful to me; and I shrunk into retirement, for my self-esteem was lost though I had gratified my malice, I had destroyed my comfort; I now contemplated myself a solitary being, at the very moment when I had every requisite of fortune, health, and endowments, to have recommended me to the world, and to those tender ties and engage-public; if I could believe my shame would be ments which are natural to man, and constitute his best enjoyments. : "The solitude I resorted to made me every day more morose, and supplied me with refleetions that rendered me intolerable to myself, and unfit for society. I had reason to apprehend, in spite of all my caution, that I was now narrowly watched, and that strong suspicions were taken up against me; when I was feasting my jaundiced eye one morning with a certain newspaper, which I was in the habit of employing as the vehicle of my venom, I was startled at discovering myself conspicuously pointed out in an angry column as a cowardly defamer, and menaced with personal chastisement as soon as ever proofs could be obtained against me; and this threatening denunciation evidently came from the very author who had unknowingly given me such umbrage when he recited my poem. "Alas! can words express my feelings? Is there a being more wretched than myself? to be friendless, an exile from society, and at enmity with myself, is a situation deplorable in the extreme: let what I have now written be made turned to others' profit, it might perhaps become less painful to myself; if men want other motives to divert them from defamation, than what their own hearts supply, let them turn to my example, and if they will not be reasoned, let them be frightened out of their propensity. I am, WALTER WORMWOOD." The case of this correspondent is a melancholy one, and I have admitted his letter, because I do not doubt the present good motives of the writer; but I shall not easily yield a place in these essays to characters so disgusting, and representations so derogatory to human nature. The historians of the day, who profess to give us intelligence of what is passing in the world, ought not to be condemned, if they sometimes make a little free with our foibles and our follies: but downright libels are grown too dan "The sight of this resentful paragraph was like an arrow to my brain: habituated to skirmish only behind entrenchments, I was ill prepared to turn into the open field, and had never put the question to my heart, how it was pro-gerous, and scurrility is become too dull to find vided for the emergency. In early life I had not any reason to suspect my courage, nay, it was rather forward to meet occasions in those days of innocence; but the meanness I had lately sunk into had sapped every manly principle of my nature, and I now discovered to my sorrow, that, in taking up the lurking malice of an assassin, I had lost the gallant spirit of a gentleman. : a market; the pillory is a great reformer. The detail of a court drawing-room, though not very edifying, is perfectly inoffensive; a lady cannot greatly complain of the liberty of the press, if it is contented with the humble task of celebrating the workmanship of her mantua-maker; as for such inveterate malice as my correspondent Wormwood describes, I flatter myself it is very rarely to be found: I can only say, that though I have often heard of it in conversation, and read of it in books, I do not meet in human nature originals so strongly featured as their paint "There was still an alleviation to my terrors: it so chanced that I was not the author of the particular libel which my accuser had imputed to me and though I had been father of a thou-ings: amongst a small collection of sonnets in sand others, I felt myself supported by truth in manuscript, descriptive of the human passions, almost the only charge against which I could which has fallen into my hands, the following have fairly appealed to it. It seemed to me lines upon Envy, as coinciding with my subtherefore advisable to lose no time in disculpat-ject, shall conclude this paper. Ee ENVY. Oh!' never let me see that shape again, Far from the social haunts of men! Fang'd like the wolf it was, and all as gaunt, Furious thereat, the self-tormenting sprite The desperate suicide with pain Writh'd to and fro, and yell'd amain; And then with hollow, dying cadence cries It is not of this asp that Envy dies; 'Tis not this reptile's tooth that gives the smart ; 'Tis others' happiness that gnaws my heart. "Though I scorn the notion of setting myself off to the public and you by panegyrics of my own penning (as the manner of some is), yet I may truly say, without boasting, that I had the character at school of being the very best fag that ever came into it; and this I believe every gentleman, who was my contemporary at Westminster, will do me the justice to acknowledge: it was a reputation I confess that I did not earn for nothing, for whilst I worked the clothes off my back, and the skin off my bones in scouting upon every body's errands, I was pummelled to a mummy by the boys, showed up by the ushers, flead alive by the masters, and reported for an incorrigible dunce at my book; a report which, under correction, I must think had some degree of injustice in it, as it was impossible for me to learn a book I was never allowed to open: in this period of my education I took little food and less sleep, so that whilst I shot up in stature after the manner of my progenitors, who were a tall race of men, I grew as gaunt as a greyhound; but having abundantly more spirit than strength, and being voted by the great boys to be what is called true game, I was singled out as a kind of trial cock, and pitted against every new comer to make proof of his bottom in fair fighting, though I may safely say I never turned out upon a quarrel of my own making in all my life. Notwithstanding all these honours which I obtained from my colleagues, I will not at“The ancient family of the Saplins, whereof tempt to disguise from you that I left the your humble servant is the unworthy represen-school in disgrace, being expelled by the mastative, has been for many generations distinguished for a certain pliability of temper, which with some people passes for good humour, and by others is called weakness; but, however the world may differ in describing it, there seems a general agreement in the manner of making use of it. NUMBER XCV. Facilitas animæ ad partem stultitia rapit. P. SYRUS. SIR, Pliability is allied to folly. TO THE OBSERVER. ter, when head of my boarding house, for not supporting my authority over the petty boys belonging to it, who, I must confess, were just then not in the most orderly and correct state of discipline. "My father, whose maxim it was never to let trifles vex him, received me with all the "Our family estate, though far from con- good humour in life, and admitted me of the temptible, is considerably reduced from its an-university of Oxford: here 1 was overjoyed to cient splendour, not only by an unlucky tumble that my grandfather Sir Paul got in the famous Mississippi scheme, but also various losses, bad debts, and incautious securities, which have fallen heavy upon the purses of my predecessors at different times; but as every man must pay for his good character, I dare say they did not repent of their purchase, and for my part it is a reflection that never gives me any disturbance. This aforesaid grandfather of mine, was supposed to have furnished Congreve with the hint for his character of Sir Paul Pliant, at least it hath been so whispered to me very frequently by my aunt Jemima, who was a great collector of family anecdotes; and to speak the truth, I am not totally without suspicion, that a certain ingenious author, lately deceased, had an eye towards my insignificant self in the dramatic portrait of his Good natured Man. find, that the affair of the expulsion was so far from having prejudiced my contemporaries against me, that I was resorted to by numbers whose time hung upon their hands, and my rooms became the rendezvous of all the loungers in the college: few or no schemes were set on foot without me, and if a loose guinea or two was wanted for the purpose, every body knew where to have it: I was allowed a horse for my health's sake, which was rather delicate, but I cannot say my health was much the better for him, as I never mounted his back above once or twice, whilst my friends kept him in exercise morning and evening, as long as he lasted, which indeed was only till the hunting season set in, when the currier had his hide, and his flesh went to the kennel. I must own I did not excel in any of my academical exercises, save that of circumambulating the colleges and public buildings with strangers, who came to gaze about them for curiosity's sake; in this branch of learning I gained such general reputation as to be honoured with the title of Keeper of the Lions: neither will I disguise the frequent jobations I incurred for neglect of college duties, and particularly for non-attendance at chapel, but in this I should not perhaps have been thought so reprehensible, had it been known that my surplice never failed to be there, though I had rarely the credit of bearing it company. "My mother died of a cold she caught by attending some young ladies on a water party before I had been a month in the world; and my father never married again, having promised her on her death-bed not to bring a step-dame into his family whilst I survived: I had the misfortune to lose him when I was in my twentysecond year; he got his death at a couutry canvass for Sir Harry Osier, a very obliging gentleman, and nearly related to our family: I attended my father's corpse to the grave, on which melancholy occasion, such were the lamentations and bewailings of all the servants in the house, that I thought it but a proper return for their affection to his memory, to prove myself as kind a master by continuing them in their several employs: this however was not altogether what they meant, as I was soon convinced every one amongst them had a remonstrance to make, and a new demand to prefer: the butler would have better perquisites, the footman wanted to be out of livery, the scullion demanded tea-money, and the cook murmured about kitchen stuff. "Though I was now a single being in the world, my friends and neighbours kindly took care I should not be a solitary one! I was young indeed, and of emall experience in the world, but I had plenty of counsellors; some advised me to buy horses they wanted to sell, others to sell horses they wanted to buy; lady of great taste fell in love with two or three of my best cows for their colour; they were upon her lawn the next day: a gentleman of extraordinary vertu discovered a picture or two in my collection that exactly fitted his pannels: an eminent improver, whom every body declared to be the first genius of the age for laying out grounds, had taken measures for transporting my garden a mile out of my sight, and floating my richest meadow grounds with a lake of muddy water: as for my mansion and its appendages, I am persuaded I could never have kept them in their places, had it not been that the several projectors, who all united in pulling them down, could never rightly agree in what particular spot to build them up again: one kind friend complimented me with the first refusal of a mistress, whom for reasons of economy he was obliged to part from; and a neighbouring gentlewoman, whose daughter had perhaps stuck on hand a little longer than was convenient, more than hinted to me that miss had every requisite in life to make the married state perfectly happy. "In justice however to my own discretion, let me say, that I was not hastily surprised into a serious measure by this latter overture, nor did I ask the young lady's hand in marriage, till I was verily persuaded, by her excessive fondness, that there were no other means to save her life. Now whether it was the violence of her passion before our marriage that gave some shock to her intellects, or from what other cause it might proceed, I know not; certain however it is, that after marriage she became subject to very odd whims and caprices; and though I made it a point of humanity never to thwart her in these humours, yet I was seldom fortunate enough to please her; so that had I not been sure to demonstration that love for me was the cause and origin of them all, I might have been so deceived by appearances as to have imputed them to aversion. She was in the habit of deciding upon almost every action in her life by the interpretation of her dreams, in which I cannot doubt her great skill, though I could not always comprehend the principles on which she applied it; she never failed as soon as wintér set in, to dream of going to London, and our journey as certainly succeeded. I remember upon our arrival there the first year after our marriage, she dreamed of a new coach, and at the same time put the servants in new liveries, the colours and patterns of which were circumstantially revealed to her in sleep sometimes (dear creature!) she dreamed of winning large sums at cards, but I am apt to think those dreams were of the sort which should have been interpreted by their contraries: she was not a little fond of running after conjurors and deaf and dumb fortune tellers, who dealt in figures and cast nativities; and when we were in the country my barns and outhouses were haunted with gypsies and vagabonds, who made sad havock with our pigs and poultry: of ghosts and evil spirits she had such terror, that I was fain to keep a chaplain in my house to exorcise the chambers, and when business called me from home, the good man condescended so far to her fears, as to sleep in a little closet within her call in case she was troubled in the night; and I must say this for my friend, that if there is any trust to be put in flesh and blood, he was a match for the best spirit that ever walked she had all the sensibility in life towards omens and prognostics, and though I guarded every motion and action that might give any possible alarm to her, yet my unhappy awkwardnesses were always boding ill luck, and I had the grief of heart to hear her declare in her last moments, that a capital oversight I had been guilty of in banding to her a candle, with an enormous windingsheet appending to it, was the immedi : NUMBER XCVI. ate occasion of her death and my irreparable misfortune. "My second wife I married in mere charity and compassion, because a young fellow, whom she was engaged to, had played her a base trick by scandalously breaking off the match, when the wedding clothes were bought, the day appointed for the wedding, and myself invited to it. Such transactions ever appeared shocking to me, and therefore, to make up her loss to her as well as I was able, I put myself to extraordinary charges for providing her with every thing handsome upon her marriage; she was a fine woman, loved show, and was particularly fond of displaying herself in public places, where she had an opportunity of meeting and mortifying the young man who had behaved so ill to her: she took this revenge against him so often that one day to my great surprise I discovered that she had eloped from me and fairly gone off with him. There was something so unhandsome, as I thought, in this proceeding, that I should probably have taken legal measures for redress, as in like cases other husbands have done, had I not been diverted from my purpose by a very civil note from the gentleman himself, wherein he says That being a younger son of little or no fortune, he hopes, I am too much of a gentleman to think of resorting to the vexatious measures of the law for revenging myself upon him; and as a proof of his readiness to make me all the reparation in his power in an honourable way, he begs leave to inform me, that he shall most respectfully attend upon me with either sword or pistols, or with both, whenever I shall be pleased to lay my commands upon him for a meeting, and appoint the hour and place.' "I have been resolving to write to thee every morning for these two months, but something or other has always come athwart my resolution to put it by. In the first place I should have told thee that aunt Gertrude was taken grievously sick, and had a mighty desire to see thee upon affairs of consequence, but as I was in daily hopes she would mend and be able to write to thee herself (for every body you know understands their own business best,) I thought I would wait till she got well enough to tell her own story; but alas! she dwindled and dwindled away till she died; so, if she had any secrets they are buried with her, and there's an end of that matter. "Another thing I would fain have written to thee about was, to inquire into the character of a fellow, one John Jenkyns, who had served a friend of thine, Sir Theodore Thimble, as his house steward, and offered himself to me in the "After such atonement on the part of the same capacity: but this was only my own affair offender, I could no longer harbour any thoughts do you see, so I put it by from day to day, and of a divorce, especially as my younger brother in the meantime took the rascal upon his word the parson has heirs to continue the family, and without a character: but if he ever had one, he seems to think so entirely with me in the busi- would have lost it in my service, for he plunness, that I have determined to drop it alto- dered me without mercy, and at last made off gether, and give the parties no farther molesta- with a pretty round sum of money, which 1 tion; for as my brother very properly observes, have never been able to get any wind of, proit is the part of a christian to forget and to for-bably because I never took the trouble to make give; and in truth I see no reason why I should any inquiry. disturb them in their enjoyments, or return evil for good to an obliging gentleman, who has taken a task of trouble off my hands, and set me at my ease for the rest of my days; in which tranquil and contented state of mind, as becomes a man whose inheritance is philanthropy, and whose mother's milk hath been the milk of human kindness, I remain in all brotherly charity and good will, Yours and the world's friend, "I now sit down to let you know son Tom is come from Oxford, and a strapping fine fellow he is grown of his age: he has a mighty longing to set out upon his travels to foreign parts, which you must know seems to me a very foolish conceit in a young lad, who has only kept his first term and not completed his nineteenth year; so I opposed his whim manfully, which I think you will approve of, for I recollected the opinion you gave upon this subject when last here, and quoted it against him: to do him justice, he fairly offered to be ruled by your advice, and willed me to write to you on the matter; but one thing or other always stood in the way, and in the meantime came Lord Ramble in his way to Dover, and being a great | cut and dried, and claimed it as a lapsed living, crony of Tom's and very eager for his company, when it has been mine and my ancestors any and no letter coming from you (which indeed I time these five hundred years for aught 1 know: acquit you of, not having written to you on if these are not nimble doings I know not what the subject), away the youngsters went together, are: egad! a man need have all his eyes about and probably before this are upon French ground. him, that has to do with these bishops. If I Pray tell me what you think of this trip, which had been aware of such a trick being played me, appears to me but a wildgoose kind of chase, and I would have hoisted the honest vicar into the if I live till to-morrow I intend to write Tom a pulpit, before the old parson who is dead and piece of my mind to that purpose, and give him gone had been nailed in his coffin; for no man a few wholesome hints, which I had put together loves less to be taken napping (as they call it) for our parting, but had not time just then to than I do: and as for the poor vicar 'tis surpris communicate to him. ing to see how he takes to heart the disappointment; whereas I tell him he has nothing for it but to outlive the young fellow who has jumped into his shoes, and let us see if any bishop shall jockey us with the like jade's trick for the future. "I intend very shortly to brush up your quarters in town, as my solicitor writes me word every thing is at a stand for want of my appearance: what dilatory doings must we experience, who have to do with the law! putting off from month to month, and year to year: I wonder men of business are not ashamed of themselves: as for me, I should have been up and amongst them long enough ago, if it had not been for one thing or other that hampered me about my journey horses are for ever falling lame, and farriers are such lazy rascals, that before one can be cured, another cries out; and now I am in daily expectation of my favourite blood mare dropping a foal, which I am in great hopes will prove a colt, and therefore I cannot be absent at the time, for a master's eye you know is every thing in those cases: besides I should be sorry to come up in this dripping season, and as the parson has begun praying for fair weather, I hope it will set in ere long in good earnest, and that it will please God to make it pleasant travelling. "You will be pleased to hear that I mean soon to make a job of draining the marsh in front of my house: every body allows that as soon as there is a channel out to the river, it will be as dry as a bowling-green, and as fine meadow land as any on my estate it will also add considerably to the health as well as beauty of our situation, for at present 'tis a grievous eyesore, and fills us with fogs and foul air at such a rate that I have had my whole family down with the ague all this spring here is a fellow ready to undertake the job at a very easy expense, and will complete it in a week, so that it will soon be done when once begun; therefore you see I need not hurry myself for setting about it, but wait till leisure and opportunity suit. "I am sorry I can send you no better news of your old friend the vicar; he is sadly out of sorts; you must know the incumbent of Slow-inthe-Wilds died some time ago, and as the living lies so handy to my own parish I had always intended it for our friend, and had promised him again and again: when behold! time slipped away unperceived, and in came my lord bishop of the diocese with a parson of his own, ready "I have now only to request you will send me down a new almanack, for the year wears out apace, and I am terribly puzzled for want of knowing how it goes, and I love to be regular. If there is any thing I can do for you in these parts, pray employ me, for I flatter myself you believe no man living would go farther, or more readily fly to do you service than yours to command, "THOMAS TORTOISE." Alas! though the wise men in all ages have been calling out as it were with one voice for us "to know ourselves," it is a voice that has not yet reached the ears or understanding of my correspondent Tom Tortoise. Somebody or other hath left us another good maxim, “never to put off till to-morrow what we can do today."-Whether he was indeed a wise man, who first broached this maxim, I'll not take on myself to pronounce, but I am apt to think he would be no fool who observed it. If all the resolutions, promises, and engagements of to-day, that lie over for to-morrow, were to be summed up and posted by items, what a cumbrous load of procrastinations would be transferred in the midnight crisis of a moment! Something perhaps like the following might be the outline of the deed, by which Today might will and devise the foresaid contingences to its heir and successor. "Conscious that my existence is drawing to its close, I hereby devise and make over to my natural heir and successor, all my right and title in those many vows, promises, and obligations which have been so liberally made to me by sundry persons in my lifetime, but which still remained unfulfilled on their part, and stand out against them: but at the same time that I am heartily desirous all engagements, fair and lawful in their nature, may be punctually complied with, I do most willingly cancel all such as are of a contrary description; hereby releasing and discharging all manner of persons |