our holy church? Such, indeed, must be the effect of your Utopian scheme, for, as Virgil has it,

In nostros fabricata est machina muros.'

"Come, come, my good friend, this is declamation without argument."

"Without argument! Many are the sad instances which I could adduce in proof of the evil effects which have already accrued from the introduction of this system. I am not in the habit, sir, of dealing in empty assertion; already has the aforesaid Tom Plank ventured to question the classical knowledge of his spiritual pastor, and, as I understand, has declared himself publicly, at the club, as my rival in antiquarian pursuits."

"And why should he not," said the mischievous Mr. Seymour; "I warrant you he already possesses many an old saw; ay, and of a very great age too, if we may judge from the loss of its teeth."

Allow us, gentle reader, to enquire, whether thou hast ever observed the quivering back of a horse, when goaded by the sting of a gad-fly? If so, you

"An engine 's raised to batter down our walls."

En. ii. 46.

66

will readily conceive the convulsive motion produced in the vicar's frame, when assailed by a pun. Such was the effect on the present occasion; and no sooner did the amiable Mrs. Seymour observe it, than she uttered the following My dear husband, pray spare the feelings of our friend; you well know how morbidly sensitive he is to a pun, and it is scarcely fair, under the present circumstances, to exercise your ingenious art of tormenting with such unmerciful assiduity."

remonstrance:

"Let me alone," replied Mr. Seymour, in a half-whisper, "it is the only way to subdue that unfortunate prejudice." Mrs. Seymour here observed, that Addison would denominate such a system "arguing by torture," but, added she, "I really think that the rack is a species of syllogism which ought to be laid aside with other popish refinements."

"You strangely mistake the matter," said Mr. Seymour: "depend upon it that it does not inflict any substantial suffering upon the vicar; he has so long accustomed himself to reject a pun with disdain, that what at first he did from impulse, or perhaps pedantry, he continues from habit. I verily believe, that the pride which he has

taught himself to feel upon these occasions, converts what you regard as pain into a feeling of satisfaction, for never is he so lively as when a few puns have been discharged in his presence; like the over-shot wheel, which rejects the stream as useless foam, but not until it has acquired motion and activity from its momentum."

During this conjugal altercation, Mr. Twaddleton had been occupied in whirling round his steel watch-chain with inconceivable rapidity, and, after a short pause, he burst out into the following exclamation :—

"Worthy sir! if you persist in asserting, that a man whose occupation is to plane deal boards, and who is incapable of uttering a single sentence, without the grossest display of bad grammar, is prepared to dive into the sacred mysteries of antiquity, I shall next expect to hear that "

"A truce, a truce," cried Mr. Seymour, interrupting the vicar, "to all those hackneyed objections; and let us deal plainly with your planer of deals; you assert that the carpenter cannot speak grammatically, and yet he gains his livelihood by mending stiles; you complain of his presumption in argument, would it not be a

desertion of his post to decline railing? and then, again, with respect to his antiquarian pretensions, compare them with your own; you rescue saws from the dust, he obtains dust from his saws."

"What madness has seized friend? or, as Virgil has it,

my

unfortunate

'Infelix! quæ tanta animum dementia cepit?'*

But let it pass, let it pass, Mr. Seymour; my profession has taught me to bear with humility and patience the contempt and revilings of my brethren; I forgive Tom Plank for his presumption, as in that case I alone am the sufferer; but I say to you, that envy, trouble, discontent, strife, and poverty will be the fruits of the seeds you would scatter. I verily believe, that unless this march of intellect,' as it has been termed, is speedily checked, Overton, in less than twelve months, will become a deserted village; for there is scarcely a tradesman who is not already distracted by some visionary scheme of scientific improvement, that leads to the neglect of their occupations, and the dissipation of the honest

6

* "What fury's seized my friend?" Æn. v. 465.

earnings which their more prudent fathers had accumulated; Meliora pii docuere parentes.'* as the Poet has it. What think you of Sam Tickle, the watchmaker, who has suffered the parish-clock to stand still for the last ten days, so absorbed has been his attention, in attempting to illuminate a sun-dial, by gas, in order that it may tell the hour during the absence of the sun?"

"What think I?" said Mr. Seymour; "why that he is in pursuit of a shadow."

"Then, again," continued the vicar, "there is Will Snaffle, the saddler, so beside himself, as to relinquish business, shut up shop, and proceed to London, to take out a patent for his new invention to sail against the wind. What

think you of that, Mr. Seymour?"

"I think he had better exert his inventive faculty in contriving a saddle that will go without a horse."

"That," said the vicar, "it would appear he has left to the genius of his partner; for I must inform you that he has entered into a safe and provident contract with Doctor Doseall,

"Their pious sires a better lesson taught."