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Noo. No, since my lord says you speak in rail- | Swagger-huff! and be saucy with your mistress, lery.
like a true captain ; but be civil to your rivals Man. And pray, madam, let me ask you, what and betters; and do not threaten any thing but is it you find about them to entertain you? For me here; no, not so much as my windows: do example, this spark here: is it the merit of his not think yourself in the lodgings of one of your fashionable impudence, the briskness of his noise, suburb mistresses beyond the tower. the wit of his laugh, or his judgment and fancy | Man. Do not you give me the cause to think in his solitaire, that engages your esteem? so! for those less infamous women part with Nov. Very well, sir! Egad, these captains of their lovers, just as you did from me, with un
forced vows of constancy, and floods of willing Man. Then, for this gentle piece of tame cour tears; but the same winds bear away their lotesy
vers and their vows; and for their griefs, if the Olio. Good, jealous captain, no more of credulous, unexpected fools return, they find your
new comforters, such as I found here; the merL. Plau. No, madam, let him go on; for, per cenary love of these women, too, suffers shiphaps, he may make you laugh; and I would con- wreck with their lovers' fortune : you have tribute to your pleasure any way.
heard, that chance has used me indifferently, Man. Obliging coxcomb!
and you do so too. Well, persevere in your Olio. No, noble captain, you cannot think any ingratitude, falsehood, and disdain ; be constant thing would tempt me more than that beroic ti- in something; and I promise to be as just to tle of yours, captain! for you know we women your real scorn, as I was to your feigned love; love honour inordinately.
and henceforward despise, loath, and detest you Nov. Ha, ha, ha! I cannot hold; I must laugh most faithfully. at you, faith, Mr Manly!
Olio. I'll wait upon you again in a minute. L. Plau. And i'faith, dear captain, I beg your
[Erit. pardon, and leave to laugh at you, too; though I protest I mean you no hurt
Enter FIDELIA and FREEMAN. Man. Peace, you buffoons! And be not you Free. How now, captain ! vain, that these laugh on your side ; for they will Man. Pray keep out of my way; dont speak laugh at their own dull jests : but no more of to me. them; for I will only now suffer this lady to be Fide. Dear sir, what's the matter? witty.
Man. Blockhead! Oh, Freeman! I have been Oliv. You would not have your panegyric in- so cheated, so abused, by this perfidious terrupted! I go on, then, to your honour. Is Free. Nay, sir, you need not tell us, for we there any thing more agreeable than the pretty have been for some time within hearing in the oddity of that? Then the greatness of your cou next room. But now, I hope, you will act as berage! which most of all appears in your spirit of comes you. contradiction : for you dare give all mankind the Man. I hope so, too. lye; and your opinion is your only mistress; for | Fide. Do you but hope it, sir ? you renounce that, too, when it becomes another Man. She has restored my reason with my man's.
| heart. L. Plau. Ha, ha, ha!
Free. But there are other things, captain, Noo. Ha, ha, ha!
which, next to a man's heart, he would not part Man. Why, you impudent, pitiful wretches ! with, and, methinks, she ought to restore, too; I You presume, sure, upon your effeminacy, to mean your money and jewels, sir; which, I unurge me; for you are all things so like women, it derstand, she has. might be thought cowardice to chastise you. Man. What's that to you, sir? Olio. No hectoring, good captain!
Free. Pardon me; whatever belongs to you, I Man. Or, perhaps, you think this lady's pre- have a share in, I am sure, which I will not lose sence secures you ; but have a care; she hath for want of asking; though you may be too getalked herself out of all the respect I had for her; nerous, or too angry, now, to do it yourself. and, by using me ill before you, hath given me a Fide. Nay, then I'll make bold, tooprivilege of using you so before her-therefore, Man. Hold, you impertinent, officious--how begone immediately!
have I been deceived ! Noo. Begone! what! L. Plau. Nay, worthy, noble, generous cap
Enter OlivIA. tain ! Man. Begone, I say !
Free. Madam, excuse this liberty--but we are Noo. Well, Madam, we'll step into the next captain Manly's friends, and have accidentally room; you will not stay long with him I suppose. | been witnesses to your disagreement. Fal, lal! (Ereunt LORD PLAUSIBLE and Novel. Oliv. And what am I to infer from thence, sir?
Oliv. Turn hither your rage, good captain Free. Why, then, Madam, there are certain
appurtenances to a lover's heart, called jewels, to attack her a nd, if you will take my advice, which always go along with it.
you'll stay too; if it be only to see this major Fide. And with lovers, madam, have no value, Oldfox, her supernumerary 'squire, her occasional but from the heart they come with our cap- gentleman usher: he is a character, I assure you. tain's, it seems, you scorn to keep; much more Man. No; confound him, he is as bad as the those worthless things without it, I am confi-cockatrice herself, whom I would avoid as a sink- , dent.
ing ship, and the whole sex, for ever. Oliv. I understand you, gentlemen. Captain,
Erit with FIDELIA. your young friend, here, has a very persuading face, I must confess; but you might have asked
Enter Mrs BlackACRE, JERRY, and Major me yourself for those trifles you left with me,
OLDFOX. which-hark you a little-for I dare trust you Mrs Black. 'Tis an arrant sea-ruffian ! I with a secret, you are a man of so much honour thought he would have pushed us down, major. I am sure- I say, then, considering the chance of Jerry, where's my paper of memorandums? Give war, the danger of the seas, and being in doubt it me. So! where's my cousin Olivia, now-my whether you might ever return again, I have de- | kind relation ? livered your jewels and money to
Free. Here's one that would be your kind reMan. Whom?
lation, madam. Olic. My husband.
Mrs Black. Hey day! who is this wild rude Man. Your husband !
fellow? Olio. Aye, my husband. For, since you could Jer. Why, dont you know him. It's the man, leave me, I am lately and privately married to that wanted to fall aboard you at Captain Manone, who is a man of so much honour and expe- ly's this morning. rience, that I dare not ask him for your things Old. Pray be civil to the lady, Mr — , she again, to restore them to you, lest he should con- ( is a person of quality—a person, that is, no perclude you never would have parted with them to sono me on any other score than the exchange of my . Free. Yes, but she is a person, that is, a widow. virtue ; which, rather than you would bring into Be you civil to her; because you are to pretend suspicion
only to be her 'squire, to arın her to her lawyer's Man. Triumphant impudence! Married! I chambers : but I will be impudent and forward;
Oliv. There's no resisting one's destiny, or for she must love and marry me. lore, you know.
Mrs Black. Marry coine up; you saucy, faMan. Damnation !
| miliar puppy! Marry you! God forgive me ! Oliv, Oh, dont swear! 'Tis true, my husband now-a-days, every idle young rascal, with a laced is now absent in the country; however, be re-waistcoat, and a bit of black ribbon in his hat, turps shortly; therefore I beg, for your own ease thinks to carry away any widow of the best deand quiet, and my reputation, you will never see gree. me more.
Old. No, no, soft! you are a young man, and Man. I wish I never had seen you !
not fit; besides, others have laid in their claims Oliv. You may perceive, by this, how great a before you. dependance I have upon your friendship: I am Free. Not you, I hope ! sensible every man might not be talked to in the Old. Why, not I, sir Sure I am a much more game manner; but your uncommon delicacy of proportionable match for her than you, sir; I, thinking will, I am sure, feel for a person in my who am a person of rank and means in the nice circumstances.
world, and of equal yearsMan. True, perfect woman ! and if I could Mrs Black. How's that? you unmannerly-I say any thing more injurious to you I would would have you to know I was born in ann, seLeave me; go! lest I should be tempted to do cun Georgii primsomething, which may hereafter make me think Old. Your pardon, madam, your pardon; be as meanly of myself, as I do now of you.
not offended--but I say, sir, you are a beggarly Oliv. Sir, it is a maxim with me never to stay younger brother; twenty years younger than she; in any place, where my company is disagreeable : without any land or stock, but your great stock I obey you with all willingness--young gentle- of impudence: therefore, what pretensions can man, your servant.
[Erit Olivia. you have to her?
Mrs Black. And what pretensions have you, Enter Footboy.
major? Go and solicit a brevet for Chelsca HosBoy. Ilere are Madain Blackacre, and Major pital, you old mummy! Air yourself there under Oldfox, to wait on my lady.
the cloisters; snioke your pipe, and make love Man. Do you hear that? Let's be gone before to your laundress: you shall have a widow with he comes.
three thousand pounds a year, you shall, you barFree. Excuse me; the widow is the very game barous brute ! I have in view; I wanted just such an opportunity Old. How, madam!
Free. Ha, ha, ha!
| you—a debauched, drunken, hectoring, lewd, gaJer. Well said, mother! use all suitors thus ming, spend-thrift. for my sake.
Jer. There's for you, bully-rock! Mrs Black. A senseless, impertinent, quib- Mrs Black. A worn-out rake at five-and-twenbling, scribbling, feeble, paralytic, conceited, ri-ty, both in body and estate: a cheating, lying, diculous, pretending, old bellweather!
cozening, impudent fortune-hunter! and would Jer. Hey! brave mother for calling names! patch up your own broken income with the ruins
Mrs Black. Would you make a caudle-maker, of my jointure. a nurse of me? Can't you be bed-rid without a Jer. Ay, and make havock of our estate perbed-fellow? Won't your swan-skins, furs, flan- sonal, and of all our gilt plate-I should soon be nels, and the scorched trencher, keep you warm picking up our silver-handled knives and forks, there? Would you make me your Scotch warı- spoons, mugs, and tankards, at most of the pawning pan, with a plague to you!
brokers' between the Hercules pillars and the Jer. Ay, you old fobus, and you would be my boatswain at Wapping. And you would be scourguardian, would you? to take care of my estate, ing among my trees, and making them play at that balf of it should never come to me, by let- loggerheads, would you? ting leases at pepper-corn rents ?
Mrs Black. I would have you to know, you Mrs Black. If I would have married an old pitiful, paltry, lath-backed fellow, if I would have man, it is well known I might have married an married a young man, it is well known I might earl. Nay, what's more, a judge, and been co- bave had any young heir in Norfolk; nay, the vered the winter nights with the lamb-skins, which bopefullest young man this day at the King's I prefer to the ermines of nobles. And do you Bench bar! 'I, that am a relict, and executrix of think I would wrong my poor minor here, for known plentiful assets and parts, who understand you?
myself and the law; and would you have me unFree. Your minor is a chopping minor; Hea- der covert baron again! No, sir, no covert baven bless him!
ron for me. Old. Your minor may be a major of horse or | Free. Well; but, dear madam foot for his bigness : and it seems you will have Mrs Black. Fie, fie! I neglect my business the cheating of your minor yourself.
I with this foolish discourse of love !--Jerry, child, Mrs Black. Pray, sir, bear witness : cheat my let me see a list of the jury; I am sure my couminor! I'll bring my action of the case, for the sin Olivia must have some acquaintance among slander.
them: But where is she? Free. Nay, I would bear false witness for you Free. Will you not allow me one word, then? dow, widow, since you have done me justice, and Mrs Black. No, no, sir ; have done, pray. thought me the fitter man !
Old. Ay, pray, sir, have done, and don't be Mrs Black. Fair and softly, sir! 'tis my mi- troublesome; since you see the lady has no occanor's case more than my own: and now I must sion for you, though you are a younger brother. do him justice on you. And, first, you are, to Ha, ha, ha!
[Ereunt. my knowledge-for I am not unacquainted with
SCENE I.-A view of St James's Park.
Fide. Sir, have I liberty to speak to you?
Man. What would you say?" You see this is How irksome is restraint to a mind naturally no place to talk in; don't trouble me now. averse to hypocrisy! Yet I, who used to give Fide. I shall nut detain you long, sir; and you birth to my thoughts as freely as I conceived may bear to hear two or three words from me, them; I, who was wont to speak without reserve though you do hate me, as you have often said. to every body; am now endeavouring even to de- Man. I must confess I hate a Antterer: why ceive myself. That ungrateful woman, in whom will you not learn to be a man, and scorn that I placed such unlimited confidence! into whose mean, that sneaking vice? keeping I had given my heart, my judgment, nay, Fide. Perhaps I am to blame, sir; but I do not my very senses! 'Sdeath! had a man treated come to offend you at present-I have something me ill, resentment would at once have cancelled to tell you, if you will vouchsafe to listen to me. regard, and revenge have prevented vexation; Who do you think I met on the other side of the but here, I am obliged to side with my enemy, park just now, sir? and increase the injuries she hath dove me, by | Man. Nay, how should I know? Prithee, kind loving her in spite of them.
impertinence, leave me. You are as hard to
shake off, as that obstinate, effeminate mischief, Man. It concerns more than my life—my holove.
nour. Fide. Love, sir!-did you name love?
Fide. Doubt me not, sir. Man. No, no! Prithee away! Begone! Man. And do not discover it by too much fear had almost discovered my shame, my weakness; of discovering-Do ye mark ?- But, above all which must draw on me the derision even of this things, take care, that Freeman find it not out. boy.
Fide. I warrant you, sir. Fide. There is something, sir, that makes you Man. Then, know, I love Olivia ; doat on her: uneasy : am I not worthy to be acquainted with her ingratitude and disdain, like oil thrown into the cause?
the flames, have made my passion burn the fierMan. What cause, child? Nothing makes me cer. uneasy; a little involuntary thoughtfulness, that's | Fide. Oh, Heavens ! all. But you say you met somebody in the park Man. You say she met you just now, and wantjust now; who was it?
ed you to go home with her, in order to commu. Fide. Why, really, sir, on second thoughts, I nicate something: who knows what that might don't know how to mention her name to you; | be ?-Perhaps she hath repented her behaviour but it was that creature, that wretch, that this morning-Perhaps it was the result of pas
Man. That who? Who is it you are going to sion, of affectation, or was meant to try me: in speak of now, that you preface your discourse short, I can assign a thousand reasons for it, bewith all this bitterness of invective?
sides that one of change in her affections; for, I Fide. Why, sir, that monster of ingratitude, am sure, once she loved me. Olivia!
Fide. Hang her, dissembling creature! Love Man. Olivia!
you! It was only for her interest, then. Fide. Yes, sir.
Man, Well, well, no matter; but, I tell you, Man. Well, and how ?
I know better: I am sure once she did love me. Fide. Nay, not much, sir; only she called me Fide. Indeed, sir, she never cared for you. over to her as I was crossing the Mall, and would Man. Will you have done, sir ! feign have had me gone home to her house, where Fide. Besides, sir, did she not tell you, she was she had something to communicate ; but, for my married ? part, I could hardly bear to look at her, much Man. Well, well, but that might be artifice, less afford her an opportunity for conversation. too- 'Sdeath, sir! will you listen to me, or go Pray, sir, don't you think she has a most forbid about your business, and never let me see you ding countenance ?
more? Man. I cannot say I ever observed it.
Fide. I beg pardon, sir. Fide. Then her shape is by no means one of Man. I say you shall go to her house, and hear the best.
what this business is. Man. Indeed !
Fide, I go to her house, sir? I would sooner Fide. But I hope, sir, your eyes are now as goopen to her deformities, as they must be to her Man. No hesitating, sir! I say you must : she perfidiousness; and that you will never think of lives but in the next street. her any more. But why do I mention that?-- Fide. Indeed, sir, I cannot go there. You never can think of her without bringing your Man. No, sir ! good sense, nay, your reputation, in question : for Fide. Besides, sir, consider : you scorned her after such unworthy, such infamous usage this morning. Man. Confusion! Who told yoa, sir, she had
Man. I know not what I did this morning : I used me ill ?
dissembled this morning. What ! are you not Fide. Why, sir, was not I witness ?
gone yet? Man. 'Sdeath, sirrah, if ever I hear you mut- Fide. Well, sir, now I think on it, I will go : ter such a word again, I'll shake you into atoms! | for, perhaps, this is a sting of conscience; and How am I exposed and rendered contemptible? she hath a mind to make some recompense for It is enough, that I think I have nothing to com- her ill usage of you, by returning your money plain of. I am perfectly well satisfied with her and jewels: methinks I feign would have them conduct.-Do you mark !-perfectly well satis- | out of her hands. fied.
Man. Stay, sir; if she drops the least hint of Fide. Very well, sir, I have done.
any such thing, I charge you, come away immeMan. Oh, the curse of being conscious of a diately, and do not stay even to give her an anweakness one is ashamed to divulge! Hold, sir! Come hither. Have you resolution enough to en- , Fide. Well, but, dear sir, only let me speak dure the torture of a secret; for such to some is one word insupportable.
Man. I will not hear a syllable: you will find Fide. I would keep it as safe as if your dear me in Westminster-hall : begone! precious life depended upon it.
SCENE II.-Westminster-hall-A crowd of peo- | Mrs Black. Have you the Lawyer's Maga
ple, serjeants, counsellors, and attorneys, walk- zine? ing busily about.
Book. We have no law books at all, madam.
Mrs Black. No! you are a pretty bookseller! Enter MRS BLACK ACRE in the middle of half a
of half a Old. Come hither, young man–Has your mast dozen lawyers, JERRY following, with a green ter got any of my last pamphlet left? bag.
Book. Yes, sir, we have got enough of them; Mrs Black. Offer me a reference, you saucy we never had above two or three called for, beblockhead! Do you know who you speak to ? | sides what you took away yourself. Are you a solicitor in chancery, and offer a refer- Old. May be so, may be so; the thing is not ence? Mr Serjeant Plodden, here is a fellow has sufficiently known yet. Well, let me see a couple. the impudence to offer me a reference !
(Gets them. It is entitled, madam, “ A Letter Plod. Who is that has the impudence to offer to a certain great Man on the present Posture of a reference within these walls ?
Affairs ;" and if you will please to accept of one Mrs Black. Nay, for a splitter of causes to do ex dono auctoris it!
Jer. Hoh, hoh, hoh! [Laughing at a pamphlet Plod. No, madam; to a lady, learned in the law | behind.) as you are, the offer of a reference were to im 1 Mrs Black. Jerry, what have you got there? pose upon you.
Jer. Why-nothingMrs Black. No, never fear me for a refer Mrs Black. Nothing! Let me look at that ence, Mr Serjeant-But come, have not you for- book-Rochester's Jests! A very pretty study, got your brief? Are you sure you shall not make truly. Give him the Young Clerk's Guide. the mistake of Hark you
Oid. No, no; give the young gentleman my
| Treatise upon Military Discipline. Enter. Major Oldfox and Bookseller.
Mrs Black. Away with such trash! Do you -Come, Mr Splitcause, pray go see, when want to send him to the devil headlong I should my cause in chancery comes on; and go speak have him teazing me, to-morrow or next day, to with Mr Quillet in the King's Bench, and Mr buy bim an ensign's commission. I would as lief Quirk in the Common Pleas, and see how mat- he should read a play! ters go there.
Jer. Well, and what if I did! There's very old. Madam, I have the pleasure to bid you good discourse to be got out of plays, for all you. good-morrow once again; and may all your causes Mrs Black. Sirrah, sirrah! Don't let me hear go as prosperously as if I myself was to be the such a word out of your mouth. What has spoiljudge of them!
ed most of the attornies' clerks in London, but Mrs Black. Sir, excuse me, I am busy, and turning critics, and running every night to the cannot answer compliments in Westminster-hall. playhouses at half price? and do you want to folGo, Mr Splitcause, and come to me again at the low their example ? —Stay, Jerry--Is not that Mr bookseller's.
What d'ye call him goes yonder, he that offered Old. No, sir, come to the lady at the other to sell me a suit in chancery for five hundred bookseller's. If you please, nadam, I'll attend pounds, for an hundred down, and only paying you thither.
the clerk's fees? Mrs Black. And why to the other bookseller's, Jer. Yes, that's he. major?
Mrs Black. It is the cheapest thing I ever old. Because, madam, he is my bookseller. heard of--Stay here, and have a care of the bags,
Mrs Black. To sell you lozenges for your while I go and talk with him. Have a care of the cough, or salve for your corns ? What else can bags, I say
(Erit. a major deal with a bookseller for ?
Jer. Have a care of the fiddle's end, I say: old. Madam, he publishes for me.
Gad, I ain sure I lead a dog's life with you. Mrs Black. Publishes! oh, that is true, I forgot-you are an author.
Enter FREEMAN. Old. Now and then, madam, now and thenthe good of one's country, you know.
Free. So, here's a limb of my widow, that used Mrs Black. And pray, major, what are your to be inseparable from her : she can't be farbooks upon?
How now, major! Old. Deign you, madam, to peruse one of Old. What do you mean by that, sir! Who them! There is a thing of mine lately come out; are you, sir? What are you, sir? and I'll assure you, a certain great person, whom Free. Nay, my dear Don Choleric, don't snap I presented it to, was pleased to pay me a com- my nose off. pliment in the Court of Requests,
Old. Sir, you are a very impertinent fellow, • Book. Do you want any thing, madamn? We sir - And, sir-'squire, where's your mother? have all the plays, magazines, and new pam- | Jer. Oh, what, you were so intent upon reading phlets
your works, you let her give you the slip, did you?