ant to me; and, next, that you will do my wife the honour to go home with her, and me the favour to use that power, you have with her, in our reconcilement. matter. Eliz. That, I dare promise, sir, will be no hard Your servant. [Exeunt VARNISH and LETTICE.]—Well, cousin, this I confess was a reasonable hypocrisy; you were the better for it. Oliv. What hypocrisy? Eliz. Why, this last deceit of your husband was lawful, since in your own defence. Oliv. What deceit? I would have you to know I never deceived my husband, Eliz. You do not understand me: I say this was an honest come off, and a good one. But what sort of a gallant must this be, who could so dexterously pass himself for a woman? Oliv. What do you mean by a gallant, and passing for a woman? Eliz. What do you mean? You see your husband took him for a woman. Oliv. Whoin? Eliz. Hey-day! why the man he found with you; for whom, last night, you were so much afraid; and who you told me Oliv. Lord, you rave sure! Eliz. Why, you did not tell me last night ?— Oliv. I know not what I might tell you last night in a fright. Eliz. Ay, what was that fright for ?-For a woman!-Fie, this fooling is insipid, 'tis offen sive. Oliv. And fooling with my honour will be more offensive. Did you not hear my husband sayEliz. Come, you need not fear, I'll keep your secret. Oliv. My secret! I'd have you to know, I have no need of confidantes, though you value yourself on being a good one, Eliz. Admirable confidence! Oliv. Confidence! Is this language to me? Nay, then, I'll never see your face again! Lettice, where are you? Let us be gone from this censorious, ill woman. [Exit OLIV. Eliz. Your very humble servant, my sweet, good cousin ! [Erit. SCENE II-A Tavern. very I have to make should be public, and before a number of witnesses-she must be made as infamous as she is guilty. Free. Well, I am your man at any mad work; so here's my service to you-but I must now go look a little after my charge; I have disposed of him in the next room, with lord Plausible, and Mr. Novel, who have been here to day, at the expence of a young Creole, at a turtle feast. Man. Go your ways, then, I won't detain you; but, I say, you know Olivia's house, and will be sure not to let slip the hour. Free. I warrant you. Man. And come straight up to her chamber, without more ado; and bring your charge, and my fellow Oakum, and whoever else you please; the greater your company the better. Here, take the watch-Tis now five o'clock, and at half an hour after seven precisely Free. You need not doubt my diligence; I am an old blood, and can naturally beat up a wench's quarters that won't be civil to my friend-Shan't we break her windows, too? Man. No, no; be punctual only. Enter VARNISH. [Erit FREEMAN. How!-Nay, here's a friend indeed! And he, that has him in his arms, can know no wants. Var. Dear sir ! and he, that is in your arms, is secure from all fears whatever: nay, our nation is secure by your defeat at sea; and the French, that fought against you, have proved enemies to themselves only, in bringing you back to us. Man. Fie, fie-this from a friend? And yet, from any other 'twere insufferable. I thought I should never have taken any thing ill from you. Var. A friend's privilege is to speak his mind, though it be ill taken. Man. But your tongue need not tell me you think too well of me; I have found it from your heart, which spoke in actions, your unalterable heart. But Olivia is false, my friend; which I suppose is no news to you. Var. Why, no-it is not. Man. But could not you keep her true to me? l'ar. Not for my life, sir. Man. But could you not perceive it at all MANLY and FREEEMAN discovered, drinking at before I went? Could she so deceive us both? a table. Free. What, then, you were going to her yesterday evening? Man. I did, as I tell you, intend it; but, being detained on the way by an old ship-mate, just as I had got to the corner of the street, I met the volunteer, breathless, and almost frightened out of his wits, who gave me this whimsical relation of his adventure with her husband, Free. Whimsical indeed! Damn it-the fellow must be an ideot! Man. I am not sorry the affair has happened, however; for, upon second thoughts, the disco Var. I must confess, the first time I knew it, was three days after your departure, when she received the money you had left in Fleet-street, in her name; and her fears, it seems, did not hinder her from counting it. You must trust her with all, like a true, generous lover ! Man. And she, like a meau--Var. Jilting Man. Traitorous→→→→ Man. Damned Var. Mercenary strumpet! Man. Ay, a mercenary strumpet, indeed! for she made me pay her before I had her. Var. Nay, she deserves you should report it. Man. I do not use to lie, nor you to doubt me. Man. The night before last. Man. But, what-you wonder at it! nay, you seem to be angry too. Var. I cannot but be enraged against her, for her usage of you;-damned, infamous, common jade! Man. But you do not, for so great a friend, take pleasure enough in your friend's revenge, methinks! Var. Yes, yes, I am glad to know it, since it is so. Man. You cannot tell who that rascal, her cuckold, is? Var. No. Man. She would keep it from you, I suppose. Var. Yes, yes. Man. You would laugh, if you knew but all the circumstances of my gaining her: come, I'll tell you. Man. Oh, a very buzzard! Did you ever hear so ridiculous a circumstance? Var. Never, never. Man. Well, but, my dear friend, I must be gone immediately, in order to meet Olivia again to-night. Var. To-night! It cannot be, sure? Man. 'Tis not two hours since I made my young man write to her for that purpose; and she appointed half an hour after seven precisely -In short, I am, and I am not, to meet her. It is a riddle, but shall be explained. Var. But don't you apprehend the husband?— Man. He, snivelling gull, a thing to be feared! -A husband-the tamest of creatures! Var. Very fine! - Man. But I must go to my appointment; you'll meet me here at supper, and then we'll have our laugh out. [Exit. VARNISH alone. Ay, I will meet with you, but it shall be at Olivia's-Sure, it cannot be ! she behaves so calmly, with that honest, modest assurance, it cannot be true-And yet he does not use to lie-But then, the woman in man's clothes, whom he calls a man- -Well, but I know her to have been a woman Var. Damn her! I don't care to hear any-But then, again, his appointment from her to more of her. Man. Well, you shall hear it presently, then; and, in the mean time, prithee go to her, but not from me, and try if you can get her to lend me an hundred pounds of my money; which I am at present in great want of. You may, perhaps, have some influence with her; and I suppose there is no recovering it by law. Var. Not any; think not of it; nor by this way neither. Man. What have you in your head, that makes you seem so unquiet? Var. Only this base, impudent woman's falsehood. Man. Oh, my dear friend, be not you too sensible of my wrongs, for then I shall feel them, too, with more pain, and think them insufferable. Var. But why can't you go to Olivia yourself? | methinks she, that granted you the last favour, as they call it, should not deny you any thing.-I understand not that point of kindness, I confess. Man. No, you do not understand it, and I have not time to let you know all now but anon, at supper, we'll laugh at leisure together at Olivia's cuckold, who took a young fellow, that goes betwixt his wife and me, for a woman. Var. Ha! Man. Senseless, easy rascal! 'twas no wonder she chose him for a husband. She thought him, I thank her, fitter than me for that blind, bear ing office. Var. Take a young fellow for a woman, say you?-'Sdeath, 'tis impossible I could be mistaken! [aside] Sure, he must be a dolt indeed! meet with him to -night: I am distracted more with doubt than jealousy.. Well, I have no way but to go home immediately, put on a riding-suit, and pretend, to my wife, the same business, which carried me out of town last, requires me to go post to Oxford again to-night: then, if the appointment he boasts of be true, it is sure to hold; and I shall have an opportunity either of clearing her, or revenging myself on both. [Exit. SCENE III.-Another room in the sume tavern. Tables and chairs. Enter MAJOR OLDFOX, MRS BLACK ACRE, and afterwards COUNSELLOR QUILLET. Old. But how is it possible, madam, that you can prove your son has no right to his father's estate? Mrs Black. Let me alone for that, sir; I will get a lawyer shall prove black's white, if occasion be. But suppose I prove it by his father's will; I have a will, sir; or can have one made: and how is it he can help himself? Old. Nay, then, indeed Mrs Black. Yes, yes, I will shew the villain, that he took the wrong sow by the ear, when he meddled with me: I will lead him such a dance, major, as he never was led in his life; and make him pay the piper into the bargain. Come, counsellor, we shall be quite snug here.-Major, you are sure it was at this house the villain appointed us to meet him? Old. Yes, yes, madam, I am very sure; and have left orders below accordingly. Mrs Black. Well, I suppose he will be for coming to a compromise; but there is no harm in being prepared.-Mr Quillet, let us sit down. Coun. Just as you please, madam; sit or let it alone; it is the same thing to me. Mrs Black. I say, counsellor, in part I have already told you what I would have done. With regard to this testament, there are three things to be considered Coun. Ay, madam, we will consider them. Mrs Black. Well, but hear me out; don't snap one up so-I say there are three things to be considered. First, to prove whether the testator was compos mentis. Secondly, whether he was inops concilii. And, thirdly, whether there was a sufficient probat Coun. Nay, nay, but, madam, this is all unnecessary. Mrs Black. Unnecessary! What do you mean? Was it not so ruled-Catling, 15th Edward the First, folio B? Was it not afterwards confirmed in the Exchequer-chamber, upon error, from banco regis? Look at your reports, sir-Crook James, 114. Coun. Lackaday, Mrs Blackacre, you are really talking in the clouds-have got quite out of your sphere!-I tell you, there was no devise till the 27th Henry VIII. Mrs Black. I say there was, sir. better than that. Ecod! if it was not for me, many a one, that is saucy enough in the courts, would make but a scurvy figure out of them. Coun. Come, come, madam, that affair of the evidence was very black. Mrs Black. It is false, sir! It was all a prejudice, because he was an Irishman: but, if there was any roguery in it, did not you draw his instructions? Coun. You deluded, you deceived me——-But guard your expressions, Mrs Blackacre; guard your expressions; have a care of an action of scandal. Mrs Black. Odds my life, is this language to me, you puny upstart of the law! You green bag carrier! You murderer of unfortunate causes The clerk's ink is scarce off your fingers! What a shame it is, that women should not plead their causes themselves, and not be obliged to employ such ignorant mongrels! Coun. Well, madam, very well! Take notice, you are in the hands of the law. I call you to witness, sir, that this woman has attacked my reputation. Depend upon it, the bench shall hear of you, and my lord chief-justice determine, which is the best lawyer, you or I. [Exit. Mrs Black. I have not patience! I will have him caned! I will have him caned in the courts, if it costs me ten thousand pounds-an impudent, Coun. You mean, Mrs Blackacre, there was saucy-make a rule against me!—And you, madevise in common-law, but not in secundum sta-jor, sitting there, with your mouth open-are you tutum; so that your quotation is quite foreign to a man, a soldier! to wear a sword by your side, the purpose in fine, the whole is nonsense, and and see me treated-Oh, I wish I had a sword! I see you know nothing of the law. : Mrs Black. No, sir! but I will shew you that I do know something of the law; and I will lay you five hundred pounds to your nosegay, that I know more of the law than you do; and you shall be instructed! Coun. Not by you, madam; not by you! Send your solicitor to me; there is your paper of memorandums. Mrs Black. Impertinent! My paper of memorandums! Odds my life! Return me my fee, too, then; my five guineas that I gave you! Coun. Don't put yourself in a passion, Mrs Blackacre; I am always calm. As to your fee, I shall not return it; for, if it was double the sum, I have had trouble enough for it. Mrs Black. Trouble! Major, did you ever see such usage as this? Old. Do not make yourself uneasy, madam; I warrant we will be up with him! I will write an essay against him in the newspapers; I can get any thing put in for five shillings and sixpence. Mrs Black. Go, go, you are a silly old ass. Enter Waiter. Waiter. What is the matter, madam? Mrs Black. Nothing, nothing; go down stairs. Make a rule against me! Odds my life! I wish they durst! Egad, the parliament should hear of it! Enter FREEMAN, Bailiffs, and JERRY. Jer. O law! My mother quarrelling with the waiter.-What is the matter here? won't she pay her reckoning? Free. Bailiffs, execute your writ; there is your prisoner. Coun. To be short with you, madam, you are a person, whose affairs I do not chuse to meddle with; for your causes are such as have been set Bail. We arrest you in the king's name, at the on the left side of the book any time these six suit of Mr Freeman, guardian to Jeremiah Blackyears; and, since your evidence at the last Hi-acre, esq. in an action of ten thousand pounds. Jary sittings was pilloried, my lord chief-justice Mrs Black. How, how! in a choke bail actalks of making an order, that you shall not teaze tion? his court any more. Mrs Black. Make an order! Make an order against me, that I should not teaze! No, no, they know which side their bread is buttered on Free. Yes, yes; you are taken indeed, madam; and we have discovered your equitable design of providing us with a forged will. Mrs Black. Undone, undone! no man was ever too hard for me till now. Oh, Jerry ! child, | ways knew Varnish was a silly fellow, but I wilt thou vex the mother, that bore thee? Jer. Ay, for bearing me before wedlock, as you say but I will teach you to call a Blackacre a bastard, though you are never so much my mother. Mrs Black. Well, I am undone ! not ome trick left! Cruel sir, a word with you, I pray. Free. In vain, madam; you have no way to release yourself now, but by the bonds of inatri mony. Mrs Black. How, sir, how! matrimony! that were but to sue out an habeas corpus, for a removal from one prison to another. Free. Bailiffs, away with her! Mrs Black. Oh, stay, sir ! can you be so cruel | as to bring me under covert baron again, and put it out of my power to sue in my own name? but I see, sir, your aim in all this; and, if you think proper, to make us both easy, I will, out of my jointure, secure you an annuity of three hundred pounds a year, and pay your debts; and that's all you younger brothers desire to marry a widow for, I am sure. Free. Now, madam, you are come to the point I wanted to bring you to: but you shall find I will not be behind hand with you in generosity : I believe I need not tell you, widow, that I have suffered some injuries from your family, and there is now an estate in it, which lawfully and honestly belongs to me. Mrs Black. Why, sir, I do remember something, and if you will be so good as to let me speak to my attorney Free. As for that, madam, there is no occasion-the land in question brings in about four hundred pounds a year; secure me that, and your person and your son, you are welcome to dispose of as you please. Jer. What! I hope, master guardian, you are not making agreements without me! Free. No, no. First, widow, you must say no more, that he is a bastard; have a care of that: and then he must have a settled exhibition of one hundred pounds a year, and a nag of assizes, kept by you, but not upon the common. Mrs Black. Well, I can grant all this. Jer. Aye, aye, fair words butter no cabbage: but, guardian, make her sign-sign and seal; or otherwise, if you knew her as well as I, you would not trust her word for a farthing. Free. I warrant you, 'squire. Come, my lawyer, with writings ready drawn, is within, and in haste. Mrs Black. Make a rule against me! a paltry jackanapes! [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-OLIVIA's house. OLIVIA seated at a table, with candles, and a small cabinet. Oliv. Sure, no intrigue was ever attended with so many odd circumstances as this of mine: I al thought he had too much experience to mistake a man for a woman. I am glad I picked a quarrel with Eliza, however; because, now, people will never believe I was in her power, but take for malice whatever she may say to my disadvan| tage. But 'tis just the hour I appointed my young sailor. And, as if my husband had not committed blunders enough already, he is again conveniently gone out of town, to give me a better opportunity of entertaining him: but I married him for a convenience. Hold, don't I hear somebody treading softly along the passage! | Enter FIDELIA, through the back scene. Oliv. Well, this is kind'; now, I think, you really love me, because you are punctual to your assignation. I was afraid the misadventure, when you was here last, would have frightened you from coming any more; and then I should have been so unhappy Fide. Why, really, madam, I was under some apprehensions. Oliv. Go, you little coward! you a son of Neptune, and talk of fear ! but stay, I'll lock the door, though there be no occasion for it, but to keep out your fears, and those ugly fits you tell me you are subject to. Man. [At the door.] You have impudence enough to give me fits, and make revenge still impotent. Oliv. What do you say? Oliv. I thought I heard you speak-come-sit down here-what makes you so pensive? Fide. I am thinking, madam, if your husband should surprise us again! Oliv. There's no danger; he's ten miles out of town by this time; however, don't mention his name, lest it should prove ominous. Fide. Well, but wont you give me the satisfaction of telling you how I abused him last? Oliv. I have heard enough of it: I hate any discourse, when he, or Manly, must be part of the subject. No, let me rather resume the conversation I began yesterday—Are you willing to go off with me? Fide. Whither, madam? Oliv. Any where-to Lapland, or India-I repeat it once more-I have a sufficient fortune to make us happy. [Trampling without. Fide. Hist! don't I hear a noise? Oliv. No, no. [Trampling. Fide. Pray, madam, listen: I am sure I hear the motion of feet upon the stairs. Oliv. I tell you it is no such thing. [Trampling. Fide. Hark! it grows louder. Oliv. Be silent, then-there's somebody tampering with the lock of the door. Step gently this way-[VARNISH speaks within]—Death and confusion, 'tis my husband! I heard him speak | Varnish! Are you the happy man?-You! You! to the footboy he has sent him round to bar-Speak, I say-But your guilty silence tells me the garden gate. all. Well, I will not upbraid you; let your own reflections be your punishment-Fare ye well, sir ! Fide. I thought, madam, your husband was out of town, you said. Oliv. No, no, 'tis he. Fool that I was, to trust in his pretended ignorance, or think his reconcilement real! he has laid this train purposely for my undoing. He has stopt the only passage we could get out by; and I know his revengeful temper so well, if he finds us here, he'll murder us. Let us escape your way by the balcony here, take this cabinet, it contains jewels and bank notes to a considerable value; here, put out the candles, while I go into the next room and pull down the curtains. Enter MANLY. Exit. Fide. This cabinet, I believe, is yours, sir. Man. It is mine now, indeed; and shall never escape from me again, at least to her. Fide. Did you ever hear such a wretch, sir? Man. A wretch! why she makes love like a devil in a play. But she wanted to elope with you, sir; you never told me that! Fide. Oh, sir, I have not told you half her wickedness; [loud noise] but they are breaking open the door. What shall I do, sir? Man. Stay where you are, and fear nothing. Now we shall see who this happy man is she calls husband. Enter VARNISH. Free. Look yonder, captain, to the volunteer; he is hurt, and I believe fainting. Fide. No, sir, 'tis only my fright, not yet well over: I shall recover here in the next room. Man. My boy hurt? Enter MRS BLACKACRE and JERRY. Mrs Black. I dare swear there is something going forward contrary to the statute; and as, in that remarkable case, Stokes plaintiff, against Jenkins and other defendants-But I'll take minutes; for perhaps one side or other may chuse to bring it into the courts. Jer. Well, my mother will never let the law alone, I see that; for when she's at a loss for wherewithal to go herself, she's for setting other people at it. Man. Oh Heaven !-Freeman, come here! All. A woman! Fide. Dear captain, spare my blushes; yet, wherefore should I be ashamed of a virtuous and generous passion? Yes, I am a woman, I own it; and, through love for the worthiest of men, have attempted to follow him in this disguise; partly out of fear to disclose my sentiments, for Var. With much labour and forcing, I have atI knew of his engagements to that lady; and the last gained admittance: but now, to find out the occasion of all this privacy and barricading-I heard people talk in the room, I am sure-Ha! what's here? Man. Sword and dark lantern, villain, are some odds; however, I believe I shall be able to deal with you-don't be frightened, my little volunteer. Fide. Only for your life, sir. Var. Damnation! two at once-but I'll make sure of one of them at least. Fide. Murder! help! murder! Enter OLIVIA, and then FREEMAN, LORD PLAU- constancy of his nature, which nothing but herself could have changed. Man. Dear madam, I desired you to bring me out of confusion, and you have given me more: I know not what to speak to, or how to look upon you; the sense of my rough and ill usage gives me more pain, now it is over, than you felt when you suffered it: but, if my affections, once prostituted to such a woman Oliv. My breast burns with fury, indignation, disdain, and must have vent. Coxcomb, idiot, brute! But think not long to triumph, for I go to have such vengeance on ye→ L. Plau. Madam, will you permit me the honour of your fair hand? Oliv. What means this uproar? Distraction! Oliv. Take it. [Strikes him, and Erit. my husband has got in! then we shall have mur- Nov. Ha, ha, ha! There's for your gentleder indeed. Oh stay, you must not kill one una-man-ushership, my lord! Well, what do you ble to defend himself! lights! lights! think of her now? Did not I always tell you she. was a jilt? Enter footboy, with lights. Man. Now, sir, where are you? Freeman, look to the door.-Hold, my dearest, after so much kindness past between us, I cannot part with you yet-Freeman, let no body out; for, notwithstanding your lights, we are still in the dark, till this gentleman turns his face-How! L. Plau. Take it from me, Mr Novel, she's a lady of great virtue and delicacy; though, indeed, I could not have believed her fingers to have been quite so hard. Mrs Black. But, pray, captain Manly, a word with you. Is not this my cousin Olivia's house and furniture? And do you eject her, |