Sir John. No, I believe my wife's religion will keep her honest.

Heart. And what will make her keep her religion?

Sir John. Persecution; and therefore she shall have it.

Heart. Have a care, knight; women are tender things.

Sir John. And yet, methinks, 'tis a hard matter to break their hearts.

Con. Fy, fy! you have one of the best wives in the world, and yet you seem the most uneasy husband.

Sir John. Best wives!- the woman's well enough; she has no vice, that I know of, but she's a wife, and-damn a wife! if I were married to a hogshead of claret, matrimony would make me hate it.

Heart. Why did you marry then? You were old enough to know your own mind.

Sir John. Why did I marry? I married, because I had a mind to lie with her, and she would not let me.

Heart. Why, did you ravish her?

Sir John. Yes, and so have hedged myself into forty quarrels with her relations, besides buying my pardon: but, more than all that, you must know I was afraid of my soul in those days; for I kept sneaking, cowardly, company; fellows, that went to church, said grace to their meat, and had not the least tincture of quality about them.

Heart. But I think you are got into a better gang, now.

Sir John. Zoons, sir, my lord Rake and I are hand and glove: I believe we may get our bones broke together, to-night; have you a mind to share a frolic?

Con. Not I, truly; my talent lies to softer exercises.

Sir John. What, a down-bed and a strumpet? A pox of venery, I say. Will you come and drink with me this afternoon?

Con. I can't drink to-day, but we'll come and sit an hour with you, if you will.

Sir John. Phugh! pox, sit an hour! why can't you drink?

Con. Because I am to see my mistress.
Sir John. Who's that?

Con. Why, do you use to tell?

Sir John. Yes.

Con. So wont I.

Sir John. Why?

Con. Because, 'tis a secret.

Sir John. Would my wife knew it! 'twould be no secret long.

Con. Why, do you think she can't keep a se

cret?

Sir John. No more than she can keep Lent. Heart. Prithee, tell it her to try, Constant. Sir John. No, prithee don't, that I mayn't be plagued with it.

Con. I'll hold you a guinea you don't make her tell it you.

Sir John. I'll hold you a guinea I do.
Con. Which way?

Sir John. Why, I'll beg her not to tell it me.
Heart. Nay, if any thing does it, that will.
Con. But do you think, sir

Sir John. 'Oons, sir, I think a woman and a secret are the two impertinentest themes in the universe: therefore, pray let's hear no more of my wife, nor your mistress. Damn them both, with all my heart, and every thing else, that daggles a petticoat, except four generous whores, who are drunk with my lord Rake and I, ten times in a fortnight.

[Exit SIR JOHN.

Con. Here's a dainty fellow for you! And the veriest coward, too. But his usage of his wife makes me ready to stab the villain.

Heart. Lovers are short-sighted: all their senses run into that of feeling. This proceeding of his is the only thing on earth can make your fortune. If any thing can prevail with her to accept of a gallant, 'tis his ill usage of her. Pri-. thee, take heart, I have great hopes for you: and, since I can't bring you quite off her, I'll endeavour to bring you quite on; for a whining lover is the damned'st companion upon earth.

Con. My dear friend, flatter me a little more with these hopes; for, whilst they prevail, I have Heaven within me, and could melt with joy.

Heart. Pray, no melting yet; let things go farther first. This afternoon, perhaps, we shall make some advance. In the mean while, let's go dine at Locket's, and let hope get you a stomach. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-LADY FANCIFUL's house. Enter LADY FANCIFUL, and MADEMOISELLE. Lady Fan. Did you ever see any thing so importune, mademoiselle?

Madem. Inteed, matam, to say de trute, he want leetel good-breeding.

Lady Fan. Good-breeding! He wants to be caned, mademoiselle: an insolent fellow! and yet, let me expose my weakness, 'tis the only man on earth I could resolve to dispense my favours on, were he but a fine gentleman. Well! did men but know how deep an impression a fine gentleman makes in a lady's heart, they would reduce all their studies to that of good-breeding alone.

Enter Servant.

Serv. Will your ladyship please to dine yet? Lady Fan. Yes, let them serve. [Exit Ser vant.] Sure this Heartfree has bewitched me, Mademoiselle. You can't imagine how oddly he mixt himself in my thoughts, during my rapture, even now. I vow 'tis a thousand pities he is not more polished; don't you think so?

Madem. Matam, I tink it so great pity, dat if I was in your ladyship's place, I take him home in my house, I lock him up in my closet, and I never let him go till I teach him every ting dat fine laty expect from fine gentelman.

Lady Fan. Why, truly, I believe I should soon subdue his brutality; for, without doubt, he has a strange penchant to grow fond of me, in spite of his aversion to the sex, else he would ne'er have taken so much pains about me. Lord, how proud would some poor creatures be of such a conquest! but I, alas! I don't know how to receive as a favour, what I take to be so infinitely my due. But what shall E do to new-mould him, mademoiselle? for, till then, he is my utter aver

sion.

Madem. Matam, you must laugh at him in all de place dat you meet him, and turn into de reticule all he say, and all he do.

Lady Fan. Why, truly, satire has ever been of wondrous use to reform ill manners. Besides, 'tis my particular talent to ridicule folks. I can be severe, strangely severe, when I will, mademoiselle. Give me the pen and ink-I find myself whimsical-I'll write to him-or, I'll let it alone, and be severe upon him that way. [Sitting down to write, rising up again.] Yet active severity is better than passive. [Sitting down.] 'Tis as good to let it alone, too; for every lash I give him, perhaps he'll take for a favour. Yet, 'tis a thousand pitics so much satire should be lost. [Sitting.] But, if it should have a wrong effect upon him, 'twould distract me.— [Rising.] Well, I must write though, after all. [Sitting. Or, I'll let it alone, which is the same thing. [Rising.]

Madem. La voilà determinée.

[Exeunt.

SCENEI.

SIR JOHN, LADY BRUTE, and BELINDA rising from the table.

Sir John. HERE; take away the things; I expect company. But first bring me a pipe; I'll smoke. [To a servant. Lady Brute. Lord, Sir John, I wonder you won't leave that nasty custom.

Sir John. Prithee, don't be impertinent. Bel. [To LADY BRUTE.] I wonder who those are, he expects this afternoon ?

Lady Brute. I would give the world to know : perhaps 'tis Constant; he comes here sometimes; if it does prove him, I am resolved I'll share the visit.

Bel. We'll send for our work, and sit here. Lady Brute. He'll choak us with his tobacco. Bel. Nothing will choak us, when we are doing what we have a mind to. Lovewell !

Enter LovEWELL.

Love. Madam.

spleen! 'Oons--[Aside.]—If a man had got the head-ache, they would be for applying the same remedy.

Lady Brute. You have done a great deal, Belinda, since yesterday.

Bel. Yes, I have worked very hard; how do you like it?

Lady Brute. Oh, 'tis the prettiest fringe in the world! Well, cousin, you have the happiest fancy: prithee, advise me about altering my crimson petticoat.

Sir John. A pox o' your petticoat! here's such a prating, a man can't digest his own thoughts for you.

Lady Brute. Don't answer him.-[Aside.]— Well, what do you advise me?

Bel. Why, really, I would not alter it at all. Methinks, 'tis very pretty as it is.

Lady Brute. Aye, that's true: but, you know, one grows weary of the prettiest things in the world, when one has had them long.

Sir John. Yes, I have taught her that. Bel. Shall we provoke him a little? Lady Brute. With all my heart. don't you long to be married?

Belinda,

Bel. Why, there are some things in it which could like well enough.

Lady Brute. What do you think you should

dislike ?

Bel. My husband, a hundred to one else. Lady Brute. O ye wicked wretch! sure you don't speak as you think ?

Bel. Yes, I do: especially if he smoked tobacco? [He looks earnestly at them. Lady Brute. Why, that many times takes off worse smells.

Bel. Then he must smell very ill indeed. Lady Brute. So some men will, to keep their wives from coming near them.

[Exeunt.

Sir John. I'll cuckold you, with a pox! Con. Heaven! sir John, what's the matter? Sir John. Why, these two gentlewomen did but hear me say I expected you here this afternoon; upon which, they presently resolved to take up the room, o' purpose to plague me and my friends.

Con. Was that all? Why, we should have been glad of their company.

Sir John. Then I should have been weary of yours; for I can't relish both together. They found fault with my smoking tobacco, too; and said men stunk. But I have a good mind-to say something.

Con. No, nothing against the ladies, pray. Sir John. Split the ladies! Come, will you sit down? Give us some wine, fellow. You won't smoke?

Con. No, nor drink neither, at this time; I must ask your pardon,

Sir John. What, this mistress of yours runs in your head! I'll warrant it's some such squeamish minx as my wife, that's grown so dainty of late, she finds fault even with a dirty shirt.

Heart. That a woman may do, and not be very dainty neither.

Sir John. Pox of the women! let's drink. Come, you shall take one glass, though I send for a box of lozenges to sweeten your mouth after it.

Con. Nay, if one glass will satisfy you, I'll drink it, without putting you to that expence. Sir John. Why, that's honest. Fill some wine, sirrah: so here's to you, gentlemen-a wife's the devil. To your being both married.

[They drink.
Heart. O, your most humble servant, sir.
Sir John. Well, how do you like my wine?
Con. 'Tis very good, indeed.

Heart. 'Tis admirable.

Sir John. Then give us t'other glass. Con. No, pray excuse us now: we'll come another time, and then we won't spare it.

Sir John. This one glass, and no more. Come, it shall be your mistress's health: and that's a great compliment from me, I assure you.

Con. And 'tis a very obliging one to me: so give us the glasses.

Sir John. So; let her live. [SIR JOHN coughs in the glass.]

Heart. And be kind.

Con. What's the matter? does it go the wrong way?

Sir John. If I had love enough to be jealous, I should take this for an ill omen: for I never drank my wife's health in my life, but I puked in the glass.

Con. Oh, she's too virtuous to make any reasonable man jealous.

Sir John. Pox of her virtue! If I could but catch her adulterating, I might be divorced from her by law.

Heart. And so pay her a yearly pension, to be a distinguished cuckold.

Enter Servant.

Ser. Sir, there's my lord Rake, colonel Bully, and some other gentlemen, at the Blue Posts, desire your company.

Sir John. Cod's so, we are to consult about playing the devil to-night.

Heart. Well, we won't hinder business.

Sir John. Methinks, I don't know how to leave you two: but, for once, I must make bold. Or look you; may be the conference may'nt last long so, if you'll wait here half an hour, or an hour; if I don't come then-why then-I won't

come at all.

Heart. [To CONSTANT.] A good modest proposition, truly! [Aside. Con. But let's accept on't, however. Who knows what may happen?

Heart. Well, sir, to shew you how fond we are of your company, we'll expect your return as long as we can.

Sir John. Nay, may be I may'nt stay at all; but business, you know, must be done. So, your servant-or, hark you, if you have a mind

to take a frisk with us, I have an interest with my lord; I can easily introduce you.

Con. We are much beholden to you; but, for my part, I am engaged another way.

Sir John. What! to your mistress, I'll warrant. Prithee, leave your nasty punk to entertain herself with her own lewd thoughts, and make one with us to-night.

Con. Sir, 'tis business that is to employ me. Heart. And me; and business must be done,

you know.

Sir John. Aye, women's business, though the world were consumed for it.

Con. Oh, ne'er hope it: invention will prove as vain as wishes.

Enter LADY BRUTE and BELINDA.

Heart. What do you think now, friend?
Con. I think I shall swoon,

Heart, I'll speak first, then, whilst you fetch breath.

Lady Brute. We think ourselves obliged, gentlemen, to come and return you thanks for your knight errantry. We were just upon being deyoured by the fiery dragon.

Bel. Did not his fumes almost knock you down, gentlemen?

Heart. Truly, ladies, we did undergo some hardships; and should have done more, if some greater heroes than ourselves, hard by, had not diverted him.

Con. Though I am glad of the service you are pleased to say we have done you, yet I am sorry we could do it in no other way, than by making ourselves privy to what you would, perhaps, have kept a secret.

Lady Brute. For sir John's part, I suppose he designed it no secret, since he made so much noise. And, for myself, truly, I am not much concerned, since 'tis fallen only into this gentleman's hands and yours; who, I have many reasons to believe, will neither interpret nor report any thing to my disadvantage.

Con. Your good opinion, madam, was what I feared I never could have merited.

Lady Brute. Your fears were vain then, sir; for I'm just to every body.

Heart. Prithee, Constant, what is't you do to get the ladies' good opinions; for I'm a novice at it?

Bel. Sir, will you give me leave to instruct you?

Heart. Yes, that I will, with all my soul, madam.

Bel. Why, then, you must never be slovenly; never be out of humour, never smoke tobacco, nor drink but when you are dry.

Lady Fan, Why, really, to confess the truth to you, I am so everlastingly fatigued with the addresses of unfortunate gentlemen, that, were it not for the extravagancy of the example, I should e'en tear out these wicked eyes with my own fingers, to make both myself and mankind easy. What think you on't, Mr Heartfree, for I take you to be my faithful adviser?

Heart. Why, truly, madam--I think-every project, that is for the good of mankind, ought to be encouraged.

Lady Fan. Then I have your consent, sir? Heart. To do whatever you please, madam. Lady Fan. You had a much more limited complaisance this morning, sir. Would you believe it, ladies? The gentleman has been so exceeding generous, to tell me of above fifty faults, in less time than it was well possible for me to commit two of them.

Con. Why, truly, madam, my friend there is apt to be something familiar with the ladies.

Lady Fan. He is indeed, sir; but, he's wondrous charitable with it: He has had the goodness to design a reformation, even down to my fingers ends. Twas thus, I think, sir, [Opening her fingers in an awkward manner. you'd have them stand-My eyes, too, he did not like: How was't you would have directed them? Thus, I think. [Staring at him.]—Then there was something amiss in my gaite, too: I don't know well how 'twas, but, as I take it, he would have me walk like him. Pray, sir, do me the favour to take a turn or two about the room, that the company may see you-He's sullen, ladies, and won't. But, to make short, and give you as true an idea as I can of the matter, I think 'twas much about this figure in general, he would have moulded me to; but I was an obstinate woman,

and could not resolve to make myself mistress of his heart, by growing as awkward as his fancy. [She walks awkwardly about, staring and looking ungainly; then changes, on a sudden, to the extremity of her usual affectation.]

Heart. Just thus women do, when they think we are in love with them, or when they are so with us.

[Here CONSTANT and LADY BRUTE talk together apart.

Lady Fan. Twould, however, be less vanity for me to conclude the former, than you the latter, sir.

Heart. Madam, all I shall presume to conclude, is, that, if I were in love, you'd find the means to make me soon weary on't.

Lady Fan. Not by over-fondness, upon my word, sir. But, pray, let's stop here; for you are so much governed by instinct, I know you'll grow brutish at last.

Bel. [Aside. Now am I sure she's fond of him: I'll try to make her jealous. Well, for my part, I should be glad to find some-body would be so free with me, that I might know my faults, and mend them.

Lady Fan. Then, pray let me recommend this gentleman to you: I have known him some time, and will be surety for him, that, upon a very limited encouragement on your side, you shall find an extended impudence on his.

Heart. I thank you, madam, for your recommendation: But hating idleness, I'm unwilling to enter into a place, where I believe there would be nothing to do. I was fond of serving your ladyship, because I knew you'd find me constant employment.

Lady Fan. I told you he'd be rude, Belinda. Bel. O, a little bluntness is a sign of honesty, which makes me always ready to pardon it. So, sir, if you have no other exceptions to my service, but the fear of being idle in it, you may venture to list yourself: I shall find you work, I warrant you.

Heart. Upon those terms I engage, Madam; and this, with your leave, I take for earnest. [Offering to kiss her hand. Bel. Hold there, sir; I'm none of your earnest givers. But, if I'm well served, I give good wages, and pay punctually.

[HEARTFREE and BELINDA seem to continue talking familiarly.

Lady Fan. [Aside.] I don't like this jesting between them-Methinks the fool begins to look, as if he were in earnest-but then he must be a fool indeed.-Lard, what a difference there is between me and her! [Looking at BELINDA scornfully.] How I should despise such a thing, if I were a man!-What a nose she has-What a chin-What a neck-Then her eyes-And the worst kissing lips in the universe-No, no, he can never like her, that's positive-Yet I can't

suffer them together any longer. Mr Heartfree, do you know, that you and I must have no quarrel for all this? I can't forbear being a little severe now and then: But women, you know, may be allowed any thing.

Heart. Up to a certain age, madam,

Lady Fan. Which I'm not yet past, I hope. Heart. [Aside.] Nor ever will, I dare swear. Lady Fan. [To LADY BRUTE.] Come, madam, will your ladyship be witness to our reconciliation?

Lady Brute. You, agree, then at last?
Heart. [Slightingly. We forgive.

Lady Fan. [Aside.] That was a cold, ill-natured reply.

Lady Brute. Then there's no challenges sent between you?

Heart. Not from me, I promise. [Aside to CONSTANT.] But that's more than I'll do for her; for I know she can as well be damned as forbear writing to me.

Con. That I believe. But I think we had best be going, lest she should suspect something, and be malicious.

Heart. With all my heart.

Con. Ladies, we are your humble servants. I see sir John is quite engaged, 'twould be in vain to expect him. Come, Heartfree. [Exit CONSTANT.

Heart. Ladies, your servant. [To BELINDA.] I hope, madam, you won't forget our bargain; I'm to say what I please to you.

[Exit HEARTFREe. Bel. Liberty of speech, entire, sir. Lady Fan. [Aside.] Very pretty, truly—But how the blockhead went out languishing at her; and not a look toward me-Well, people may talk, but miracles are not ceased. For it is more than natural, such a rude fellow as he, and such a little impertinent as she, should be capable of making a woman of my sphere uneasy. But I can bear her sight no longer-methinks she's grown ten times uglier than Cornet. I must home, and study revenge. [To LADY BRUTE.] Madam, your humble servant; I must take my leave.

Lady Brute. What, going already, madam? Lady Fan. I must beg you'll excuse me this once; for really I have eighteen visits to return this afternoon: So you see I'm importuned by the women as well as the men.

Bel. [Aside.] And she's quits with them both. Lady Fun. [Going.] Nay, you shan't go one step out of the room.

Lady Brute. Indeed, I'll wait upon you down. Lady Fan. No, sweet lady Brute, you know I swoon at ceremony.

Lady Brute. Pray give me leave.
Lady Fan. You know I won't.
Lady Brute. Indeed I must.
Lady Fan. Indeed you shan't.
Lady Brute. Indeed I will.
Lady Fan. Indeed you shan't.