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your very eyes. You are all on fire. Pray, go | are cool, you will understand reason better. So, to bed; let me intreat

you.

Sir John. Come, kiss me, then.

Lady Brute. [Kissing him.]-There: now go. -Aside.]-He stinks like poison!

Sir John. I see it goes damnably against your stomach. And therefore-kiss me again. Lady Brute. Nay, now you fool me. Sir John. Do it, I say.

Lady Brute. [Aside.]-Ah, Lord have mercy upon me! Well; there: now, will you go?

Sir John. Now, wife, you shall see my gratitude. You gave me two kisses-I'll give you two hundred.

[Kisses and tumbles her. Lady Brute. O Lord! pray, sir John, be quiet. Heavens, what a pickle am I in!

Bel. [Aside.]-If I were in her pickle, I would call my gallant out of the closet, and he should cudgel him soundly.

Sir John. So, now, you being as dirty and as nasty as myself, we may go pig together. But first, I must have a cup of your cold tea, wife. [Going to the closet. Lady Brute. Oh, I am ruined! There's none there, my dear.

Sir John. I'll warrant you, I'll find some, my dear.

Lady Brute. You can't open the door, the lock's spoiled; I have been turning and turning the key, this half hour, to no purpose. I'll send for the smith to-morrow.

Sir John. There's ne'er a smith in Europe can open a door with more expedition than I can do -as for example-now.-[He bursts open the door with his foot.]-How now! what the devil have we got here? Constant!-Heart free! and two whores again, I'gad!-this is the worst cold tea that ever I met with in my life—

Enter CONSTANT and HEARTFREE. Lady Brute. [Aside.]—O Lord, what will become of us?

Sir John. Gentlemen, I am your very humble servant-I give you many thanks-I see you take care of my family-I shall do all I can to return the obligation.

Con. Sir, how oddly soever this business may appear to you, you would have no cause to be uneasy, if you knew the truth of all things; your lady is the most virtuous woman in the world, and nothing has past but an innocent frolic.

Heart. Nothing else, upon my honour, sir. Sir John. You are both very civil gentlemenand my wife, there, is a very civil gentlewoman; therefore, I don't doubt but many civil things have past between you. Your very humble ser

vant.

Lady Brute. [Aside to CONSTANT.] Pray be gone: he's so drunk he can't hurt us to-night, and to-morrow morning you shall hear from us. Con. I'll obey you, madam. Sir, when you VOL. II.

then, I shall take the pains to inform you. If not-I wear a sword, sir, and so good-bye-t'ye. Come along, Heart free.

[Exeunt CONSTANT and HEARTFREE.

Sir John. Wear a sword, sir!—and what of all that, sir? he comes to my house; eats my meat; lies with my wife; dishonours my family; gets a bastard to inherit my estate-and when I ask a civil account of all this-sir, says he, I wear a sword-wear a sword, sir? Yes, sir, says he, I wear a sword. It may be a good answer to cross purposes; but 'tis a damned one to a man in my whimsical circumstances-sir, says he, I wear a sword! [TO LADY BRUTE.] And what do you wear, now? ha! tell me.-[Sitting down in a great chair.]-What, you are modest, and can't-why, then, I'll tell you, you slut, yon. You wear-an impudent lewd face-a damned, designing heart and a tail-and a tail fall of

[He falls fast asleep, snoring. Lady Brute. So; thanks to kind Heaven, he's fast for some hours.

Bel. 'Tis well he is so, that we may have time to lay our story handsomely; for we must lie like the devil to bring ourselves off.

Lady Brute. What shall we say, Belinda?

Bel. [Musing.] I'll tell you: it must all light upon Heartfree aud me. We'll say he has courted me some time, but, for reasons unknown to us, has ever been very earnest the thing might be kept from sir John. That, therefore, hearing him upon the stairs, he run into the closet, though against our will, and Constant with him, to prevent jealousy. And, to give this a good impudent face of truth, (that I may deliver from the trouble you are in) I'll even, if he pleases, marry him.

you

Lady Brute. I am beholden to you, consin; but that would be carrying the jest a little too far, for your own sake: you know he's a younger brother, and has nothing.

Bel. 'Tis true: but I like him, and have fortune enough to keep above extremity: I can't say, I would live with him in a cell, upon love, and bread and butter: but I had rather have the man I love, and a middle state of life, than that gentleman in the chair, there, and twice your ladyship's splendour.

Lady Brute. In truth, niece, you are in the right on't but 'tis late: let's end our discourse for to-night, and, out of an excess of charity, take a small care of that nasty drunken thing there-do but look at him, Belinda.

Bel. Ah, 'tis a savoury dish!

Lady Brute. As savoury as 'tis, I am cloyed with it. Prithee, call the butler to take away

Bel. Call the butler! call the scavenger! [To a servant within.] Who's there? Call Razor! Let him take away his master, scour him clean with a little soap and sand, and so put him to bed.

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Raz. My lady there's a wag- my master there's a cuckold. Marriage is a slippery thing -women have depraved appetites-my lady's a wag; I have heard all; I have seen all; I understand all; and I'll teli all; for my little Frenchwoman loves news dearly. This story wil! gain her heart, or nothing will.-[To his master.-Come, sir, your head's too full of fumes at present, to make room for your jealousy; but J reckon we shall have rare work with you, when your pate's empty. Come to your kennel, you cuckoldy, drunken sot, you.

[Curries him out on his back.

SCENE III.-LADY FANCIFUL'S house.

Enter LADY FANCIFUL and MADEMOISelle. Lady Fan. But, why did you not tell me before, mademoiselle, that Razor and you were fond?

Madem. De modesty hinder me, matam.

Lady Fan. Why, truly, modesty does often hinder us from doing things, we have an extravagant mind to. But does he love you well enough yet, to do any thing you bid him? Do you think, to oblige you, he would speak scandal?

Madem. Matam, to oblige your ladyship, he shall speak blasphemy.

Lady Fan. Why, then, mademoiselle, I'll tell you what you shall do. You shall engage him to teil his master all that past at Spring Garden : I have a mind he should know what a wife and a niece he has got.

Miadem. Il le fera, madame.

Enter a Footman, who speaks to MADEMOISELLE apart.

Foot. Mademoiselle, yonder's Mr Razor desires to speak with you.

Madem. Tell him, I come presently. [Exit Footman.] Razor be dere, matam.

Lady Fan. That's fortunate: well, I'll leave you together. And if you find him stubborn, mademoiselle-hark you-don't refuse him a few little reasonable liberties, to put him into hu

mour.

Madem. Laissez moi faire.

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[Kissing him. Raz. So, that's civil: why now, my pretty poll; my goldfinch; my little waterwagtail-you must know, that-come, kiss me again. Madem. I won't kiss de no more. Raz. Good-by-t'ye.

[Going.

Madem. Doucement; dere; es tu content? [Kissing him.

Raz. So now I'll tell thee all. Why, the news is, that cuckoldom, in folio, is newly printed; and matrimony, in quarto, is just going into the press. Will you buy any books, mademoiselle?

Madem. Tu parle comme un libraire; de devil no understand dee.

Raz. Why, then, that I may make myself intelligible to a waiting-woman, I'll speak like a valet de chambre. My lady has cuckolded my

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Raz. We found a couple of tight, well-built gentlemen, stuft into her ladyship's closet. Madem. Le diable!

Raz. And I, in my particular person, have discovered a most damnable plot, how to persuade [Exit LADY FANCIFUL. my poor master, that all this hide and seek, this

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Madem. I'll tell dee no more. Raz. Nay, prithee, my swan. Madem. Come, kiss me den. [Clapping her hands behind her, as he did before.] Raz. I won't kiss you, not I. Madem. Adieu! Raz. Hold-Now proceed.

[Going.

[Gives her a hearty kiss. Madem. A çà-I hide myself in one cunning place, where I hear all, and see all. First, dy drunken master come mal à propos; but de sot no know his own dear wife, so he leave her sport.-Den de game begin. De loyer say soft ting: De lady look upon de ground. [As she speaks, RAZOR still acts the man, and she the woman.] He take her by de hand: She turn her head on oder way. Den he squeeze very hard: Den she pull-very softly. Den he take her in his arm. Den she give him leetel pat. Den he kiss her. Den she say-pish, nay fee. Den he tremble: Den she sigh. Den he pull her into de arbour: Den she pinch him.

Raz. Ay, but not so hard, you baggage you. Madem. Den he grow bold: she grow weak, he tro her down, il tombe dessu, le diable assist, il emport tout; [RAZOR struggles with her, as if he would throw her down.] stand off,

sirrah!

Raz. You have set me a-fire, you jade, you. Madem. Den go to de river, and quench dyself.

Raz. What an unnatural harlot this!
Madem. Razor.

Madem. No, only tell dy master, all I have tell dee of dy laty.

Raz. Why, you little malicious strumpet, you; should you like to be served so?

Madem. Dou dispute den?-Adieu. Raz. Hold—But why wilt thou make me be such a rogue, my dear?

Madem. Voilà un vrai Anglois! il est amoureux, et cependant .il veut raisonner. Va t'en au diable!

Raz. Hold once more: In hopes thou'lt give me up thy body, I'll make thee a present of my honesty.

Madem. Bon, écoute donc;-If dou fail me→ I never see de more if dou obey me-Je m'abandonne a toy à toy. [She takes him about the neck, and gives him a smacking kiss.] [Erit MADEMOISELLE.

Raz. [Licking his lips.] Not be a rogue?— Amor vincit omnia. [Exit RAZOR.

Enter LADY FANCIFUL and MADEMOISELLE, Lady Fan. Marry, say ye? Will the two things marry?

Madem. On le va faire, madame.

Lady Fan. Look you, mademoiselle, in short, I can't bear it-No; I find I can't-If once I see them a-bed together I shall have ten thousand thoughts in my head will make me run distracted. Therefore, run and call Razor back immediately; for something must be done to stop this impertinent wedding. If I can but defer it four and twenty hours, I'll make such work about town, with that little pert slut's reputation, he shall as soon marry a witch.

Madem. [Aside.] La voilà bien intentionée. [Exeunt.

SCENE IV. CONSTANT'S lodgings.

Enter CONSTANT and HEARTFREE. Con. But what dost think will become of this business?

Heart. 'Tis easier to think what will not come of it.

Con. What's that?

Heart. A challenge. I know the knight too well for that; his dear body will always prevail upon his noble soul to be quiet.

Con. But though he dare not challenge me, perhaps he may venture to challenge his wife.

Heart. Not if you whisper him in the ear, you won't have him do't; and there's no other way left that I see. For as drunk as he was, [Looking languishingly on him. he'll remember you and I were where we should

Raz. Mademoiselle!
Mudem. Dou no love me?

Raz. Not love thee?More than a Frenchman does soup.

Madem. Den dou will refuse nothing dat I bid dee?

Raz. Don't bid me be damned then.

not be; and I don't think him quite blockhead enough yet, to be persuaded we were got into his wife's closet only to peep into her prayerbook.

Enter a Servant, with a letter. Serv. Sir, here's a letter; a porter brought it.

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Con. O ho! here's instructions for us. [Reads. | ury itself could clothe me with, I still should envy you.

"The accident, that has happened, has touched our invention to the quick. We would fain 'come off without your help; but find that's impossible. In a word, the whole business must be thrown upon a matrimonial intrigue between 'your friend and mine. But if the parties are "not fond enough to go quite through with the matter, 'tis suflicient for our turn, they own the design. We'll find pretences enough to break

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'the match.

Adieu.'

-Well, women for invention! How long would my block head have been producing this! Hey, Heartfree. What, musing, man? Prithee be cheerful: What say'st thou, friend, to this matrimonial remedy?

Heart. Why, I say, it's worse than the dis

ease.

Con. Here's a fellow for you! There's beauty and money on her side: and love up to the ears on his: And yet

Heart. And yet, I think, I may reasonably be allowed to boggle at marrying the niece in the very moment that you are debauching the

aunt.

Con. Why, truly, there may be something in that. But have not you a good opinion enough of your own parts, to believe you could keep a wife to yourself?

Heart. I should have, if I had a good opinion enough of hers, to believe she could do as much by me. For, to do them right, after all, the wife seldom rambles, till the husband shews her the way.

Con. 'Tis true, a man of real worth scarce ever is a cuckold, but by his own fault. Women are not naturally lewd; there must be something to urge them to it. They'll cuckold a churl, out of revenge; a fool, because they despise him; a beast, because they loath him. But, when they make bold with a man they once had a well-grounded value for, tis, because they first see themselves neglected by him.

Heart. Well then, shall I marry, or die a maid?

Con. Why faith, Heartfree, matrimony is like an army going to engage. Love's the forlorn hope, which is soon cut off; the marriage knot is the main body, which may stand huff a long long time; and repentance is the rearguard, which rarely gives ground, as long as the main body has a being.

Heart. Conclusion, then; you advise me to whore on as you do.

loving one, doubtless, is better than to possess a
Heart. And justly, too; for to be capable of
thousand. But how far that capacity's in me,
alas, I know not.

Con. But you would know.
Heart. I would so.

Con. Matrimony will inform you. Come, one
flight of resolution carries you to the land of
experience; where, in a very moderate time,
you'll know the capacity of your soul and
your body both, or I'm mistaken. [Exeunt.
SCENE V.-SIR JOHN BRUTE's house.
Enter LADY BRUTE and BELINDA.
Bel, Well, madam, what answer have you from
them?

Lady Brute. That they'll be here this moment. I fancy 'twill end in a wedding: I'm sure he's a fool, if it don't. Ten thousand pounds, and such a lass as you are, is no contemptible offer to a younger brother. But are you not under strange agitations? Prithee, how does your pulse beat? Bel. High and low; I have much ado to be valiant: Is it not very strange to go to bed with a man?

Lady Brute. Um-it is a little odd at first, but it will soon grow easy to you.

Enter CONSTANT and HEARTFREE. Good-morrow, gentlemen! How have you slept after your adventure?

Heart. Some careful thoughts, ladies, on your accounts, have kept us waking.

Bel. And some careful thoughts on your own, I believe, have hindered you from sleeping. Pray, how does this matrimonial project relish with yon?

Heart. Why, faith, even as storming towns does with soldiers, where the hopes of delicious plunder banishes the fear of being knocked on the head.

Bel. Is it then possible, after all, that you dare think of downright lawful wedlock?

Heart. Madam, you have made me so foolhardy, I dare do any thing.

Bel. Then, sir, I challenge you; and matrimony's the spot, where I expect you.

Heart. Tis enough; I'll not fail [Aside.] So, now, I am in for Hobbe's voyage; a great leap in the dark.

Lady Brute. Well, gentlemen, this matter being concluded, then, have you got your lessons ready; for sir John is grown such an atheist of late, he'll believe nothing upon easy terms?

Con. We'll find ways to extend his faith, madam, But, pray, how do you find him this morn

Con. That's not concluded yet. For though marriage be a lottery, in which there are a wondous many blanks; yet there is one inestimable lot, in which the only heaven on earth is writing?

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Would your kind fate but guide your hand Lady Brute. Most lamentably morose, chewto that, though I were wrapt in all, that lux-ing the cud after last night's discovery; of which,

however, he has but a confused notion even now. But I'm afraid the valet de chambre has told him all; for they are very busy together at this moment. When I told him of Belinda's marriage, I had no other answer but a grunt: From which you may draw what conclusions you think fit.-But to your notes, gentlemen, he's here.

Enter SIR JOHN and RAZOR. Con. Good-morrow, sir.

Heart. Good-morrow, sir John; I'm very sorry my indiscretion should cause so much disorder in your family.

Sir John. Disorders generally come from indiscretion, sir; 'tis no strange thing at all.

Lady Brute. I hope, my dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong intended Sir John. None, my dove.

you.

Bel. If not, I hope my consent to marry Mr | Heartfree will convince you. For as little as I know of amours, sir, I can assure you, one intrigue is enough to bring four people together, without further mischief,

Sir John. And I know, too, that intrigues tend to procreation of more kinds than one. One intrigue will beget another, as soon as beget a son or a daughter.

Con. I am very sorry, sir, to see you still seem unsatisfied with a lady, whose more than common virtue, I am sure, were she my wife, should meet a better usage.

Sir John. Sir, if her conduct has put a trick upon her virtue, her virtue's the bubble, but her husband's the loser.

Con. Sir, you have received a sufficient answer already, to justify both her conduct and mine. You'll pardon me for meddling in your familyaffairs; but I perceive I am the man you are jealous of, and therefore it concerns me.

Sir John. Would it did not concern me! and then I should not care who it concerned.

Con. Well, sir, if truth and reason won't content you, I know but one way more, which, if you think fit, you may take.

Sir John. Lord, sir, you are very hasty : If I had been found at prayers in your wife's closet, I should have allowed you twice as much time to come to yourself in.

Con. Nay, sir, if time be all you want, we have no quarrel.

Heart. I told you how the sword would work upon him. [SIR JOHN muses. Con. Let him muse: however, I'll lay fifty pounds our foreman brings us in, not guilty.

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but that's past, and I have her. And now, what shall I do with her?-If I put my horns into my pocket, she'll grow insolent-if I don't, that goat there, that stallion, is ready to whip me through the guts-The debate, then, is reduced to this; shall I die a hero, or live a rascal?-Why, wiser men than I have long since concluded, that a living dog is better than a dead lion.[To CON. and HEART.] Gentlemen, now my wine and my passion are governable; I must own, I never observed any thing in my wife's course of life, to back me in my jealousy of her: But jealousy's a mark of love; so she need not trouble her head about it, as long as I make no more words on't.

LADY FANCYFUL enters disguised, and addresses BELINDA aside.

Con. I'm glad to see your reason rule at last. Give me your hand : I hope you'll look upon me

as you are wont,

Sir John. Your humble servant.-[Aside.] A wheedling son of a whore!

Heart. And that I may be sure you are friends with me, too, pray give me your consent to wed your niece.

Sir John. Sir, you have it with all my heart: Damn me if you han't.-[Aside.] 'Tis time to get rid of her. A young pert pimp: she'll make an incomparable bawd in a little time.

Enter a servant, who gives HEARTFREE a letter. Bel. Heartfree your husband, say you? 'Tis impossible!

Lady Fan. Would to kind Heaven it were! But 'tis too true; and in the world there lives not such a wretch. I'm young; and, either I have been flattered by my friends, as well as glass, or nature has been kind and generous to me. I had a fortune, too, was greater far than he could ever hope for; but with my heart I am robbed of all the rest. I am slighted and I'm beggared both at once I have scarce a bare subsistence from the villain, yet dare complain to none; for he has sworn, if ever 'tis known I am his wife, he'll murder me. [Weeping.

Bel. The traitor!

Lady Fan. I accidentally was told he courted you: Charity soon prevailed upon me to prevent your misery : And, as you see, I'm still so generous, even to him, as not to suffer he should do any thing, for which the law might take away his [Weeping. Bel. Poor creature! How I pity her! [They continue talking aside. Heart. [Aside.] Death and damnation!

life.

Sir John [Aside.] 'Tis well-'tis very well-In spite of that young jade's matrimonial intrigue, I Let me read it again. [Reads.] Though I have am a downright stinking cuckold-Here they are a particular reason not to let you know who I -Boo-[Putting his hand to his forehead.] Me-am till I see you; yet you'll easily believe 'tis

thinks I could butt with a bull. What the plague did I marry her for? I knew she did not like me; if she had, she would have lain with me; for I would have done so, because I liked her;

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a faithful friend, that gives you this advice. I have lain with Belinda.' (Good!) I have a child by her,' (Better and better!) which is now at nurse;' (Heaven be praised!) and I think the

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