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Wild. A right sanctified bawd, o' my word!
Enter Clincher Jun. and Dicky.
Aside. Lady Dar. Sir Harry, your conversation with What the devil's here? another cousin, I warrant Mr Vizard argues you a gentleman, free from ye ! Harkee, sir, can you lend me ten or a dozen the loose and vicious carriage of the town, I guineas instantly? I'll pay you fifteen for them shall, therefore, call my daughter.
in three hours, upon my honour. Erit Lady DARLING. Clin. jun. These London sparks are plaguy imWild. Now, go thy way, for an illustrious bawd pudent! This fellow, by his wig and assurance, of Babylon-she dresses up a sin so religiously, can be no less than a courtier. that the devil would hardly know it of his ma Dick, He's rather a courtier by his borrow
Clin. jun. Faith, sir, I han't above five guineas (Re-enter Lady Darling with ANGELICA,
Wild. What business have you here, then, Lady Dar. Pray, daughter, use hiin civilly; sir ? For, to my knowledge, twenty won't be sufsuch matches don't offer every day.
ficient, Exit LADY DARLING. | Clin. jun. Sufficient! for what, sir? Wild. Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel ! Wild. What, sir! why, for that, sir; what the 'Sdeath, what money have I got in my pocket? I devil should it be, sir? I know your business, cannot offer her less than twenty guineas—and, notwithstanding all your gravity, sir. by Jupiter, she's worth a hundred.
Clin. jun. My business! why, my cousin lives Ang. 'Tis he! the very saine ! and his person here. as agreeable as his character of good humour- Wild. I know your cousin does live here, and Pray Heaven his silence proceed from respect! Vizard's cousin, and every body's cousin-harkee,
Wild. How innocent she looks! How would sir, I shall return immediately; and if you offer that modesty adorn virtue, when it makes even to touch her, till I come back, I shall cut your vice look so charming! by Heaven, there's such as throat, rascal. commanding innocence in her looks, that I dare
[Erit WildAIR. not ask the question !
Clin. jun. Why, the man's mad, sure! Ang. Now, all the charms of real love, and Dick. Mad, sir! aye-why, he's a beau. feigned indifference, assist me to engage his Clin. jun. A beau ! what's that? are all madheart; for mine is lost already!
men beaux? Wild. Madam-1, 1-Zoons, I cannot speak Dick. No, sir; but most beaux are madmen. to her! but she's a whore, and I will-madam, | But now for your cousin. Remember, your three in short, I, I-oh, hypocrisy, hypocrisy, what a scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. charming sin art thou !
[Ereunt, as into the house. Ang. He is caught; now to secure my conquest I thought, sir, you had business to con
Enter WildAir, STANDARD following. municate.
Wild, Business to communicate! how nicely | Stand. Sir Harry, sir Harry! she words it! Yes, madam, I have a little busi Wild. I am in haste, colonel; besides, if you're ness to communicate. Don't you love singing- / in no better humour than when I parted with you birds, madam?
in the park this morning, your company won't be Ang. That's an odd question for a lover very agreeable. yes, sir.
Stand. You're a happy man, sir Harry, who · Wild. Why, then, madam, here is a nest of are never out of humour. Can nothing move the prettiest goldfinches that ever chirped in a your gall, sir Harry? cage; twenty young ones, I assure you, madam. Wild. Nothing but impossibilities, which are
Ang. Twenty young ones! what then, sir? the same as nothing.
Wild. Why, then, madam, there are twen Stand. What impossibilities? ty young ones- Slife, I think twenty is pretty | Wild. The resurrection of my father to disinfair.
herit me, or an act of parliament against wenchAng. He's mad, sure! sir Harry, when you ing. A man of eight thousand pounds per anhave learned more wit and manners, you shall be num to be vexed! No, no; anger and spleen are welcome here again.
companions for younger brothers.
[Erit ANGELICA. Siand. Suppose one called you a son of a Wild. Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I con-whore behind your back, ceive there is a great deal of wit and manners in | Wild. Why, then would I call him rascal betwenty guineas I'm sure 'tis all the wit and hind his back; so we're even. manners I have about me at present. What shall Stand. But suppose you had lost a mistress, I do?
Wild. Why, then I would get another.
Stand. But suppose you were discarded by the Stand. Then they must be grounded in your woman you love that would surely trouble you. nature: for she's a rib, of you, sir Harry.
Wild. You're mistaken, colonel; my love is Wild. Here's a copy of verses, too: I must neither romantically honourable, nor meanly mer. turn poet, in the devil's name-stay-'sdeath, cenary; 'tis only a pitch of gratitude; while she what's here? This is her hand--oh, the charming loves me, I love her; when she desists, the obli- characters !-Reading: – My dear Wildair, — gation's void.
that's I, 'egad— this huff-bluff colonel' that's Stand. But to be mistaken in your opinion, sir; he is the rarest fool in nature,'-the devil he if the lady Lurewell (only suppose it) had dis-is !_and as such have I used him.'-With all carded you-I say, only suppose it—and had my heart, faith— I had no better way of letting sent your discharge by me.
you know, that I lodge in St James's, near the Wild. Pshaw ! that's another impossibility. | Holy Lamb. Lurewell.'—Colonel, I am your Stand. Are you sure of that?
most humble servant. Wild. Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why Stand. Hold, sir, you sha'nt go yet; I ha'nt she's a rib of me, sir. She dances with me, sings delivered half my message. with me, plays with me, swears with me, lies! Wild. Upon my faith but you have, colonel. with me.
Stand. Well, well, own your spleen; out with Stand. How, sir?
it; I know you're like to burst. Wild. I mean in an honourable way; that is, Wild. I am so, 'egad; ha, ha, ha! she lies for me. In short, we are as like one
[ Laugh and point at one another. another as a couple of guineas.
Stand. Aye, with all my heart, ha, ha, ha! Stand. Now that I have raised you to the high-well, well, that's forced, sir Harry. est pinnacle of vanity, will I give you so mortify- Wild. I was never better pleased in all my ing a fall, as shall dash your hopes to pieces. I life, by Jupiter! pray your honour to peruse these papers. | Stand. Well, sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide
(Gides him the packet. your concern, when there's no help for it. But, Wild. What is't, the muster-roll of your regi- to be serious, now; the lady has sent you back ment, colonel?
all your papers there I was so just as not to Stand. No, no; 'tis a list of your forces in look upon them. your last love compaign; and, for your comfort, Wild. I'm glad on't, sir ; for there were some all disbanded.
things that I would not have you see. Wild. Prithee, good metaphorical colonel, | Stand. All this she has done for my sake, and what d'ye mean?
I desire you would decline any further pretenStand. Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's sions for your own sake. So, honest, good-naleaves that will unfold your destiny.
tured sir Harry, I'm your humble servant. Wild. So it be not a false deed to cheat me of
[Erit STANDARD. my estate, what care - Opening the packet. Wild. Ha, ha, ha! poor colonel ? oh, the deHumph! my band! To the lady Lurewell—To the light of an ingenious mistress! what a life and lady Lurewell—To the lady Lurewell—what the briskness it adds to an amour, like the loves of devil hast thou been tampering with, to conjure mighty Jove, still suing in different shapes. A up these spirits ?
legerdemain mistress, who, presto! pass! and Stand. A certain familiar of your acquaint- she's vanished; then hcy! in an instant in your ance, sir. Read, read.
[Going. Wild. (Reading:]— Madam, my passion-so natural -- your beauty contending force of
Enter VIZARD. charmsmankind-eternal admirer, Wildair.'— Viz. Well met, sir Harry--what news from I ne'er was ashamed of my name before,
the island of love? Stand. What, sir Harry Wildair out of hu- Wild. Faith, we nuade but a broken voyage by mour! ha, ha, ha! poor sir Harry! more glory your chart; but now I'm bound for another port: in her smile, than in the jubilee at Rome; ha, I told you the colonel was my rival. ha, ha! but then her foot, sir Harry; she dances Viz. The colonel- cursed misfortune! anoto a miracle ! ha, ha, ha! fie, sir Harry, a man ther.
[ Aside. of your parts write letters not worth keeping! Wild. But the civilest in the world; he brought what say'st thou, my dear knight-errant? ha, ha, me word where my nuistress lodges. The story's ha! you may seek adventures now, indeed. too long to tell you now, for I must fly.
Wild. (Sings. No, no, let her wander, &c. Viz. What, have you given over all thoughts of
Stand. You are jilted to some tune, sir; blown Angelica? up with false music, that's all.
Wild. No, no; I'll think of her some other Wild. Now, why should I be angry that a wo-time. But now for the lady Lurewell. Wit and man is a woman? Since inconstancy and false- beauty call. hood are grounded in their natures, how can they That inistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys, belp it?
Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
Her little am'rous frauds all truths excel, | Ah, that ogle, that ogle!- Then, my own pious And make us happy, being deceived so well. example—Ah, that lip, that lip!
(Exit. Lure. Here's a religious rogue for you, now! Viz. The colonel my rival, too!- How shall | As I hope to be saved, I have a good mind to I manage? There is but one way- him and beat the old monster. the knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts Smug. Madam, I have brought you about a t'other's throat, and the survivor's hanged: so hundred and fifty guineas (a great deal of money, there will be two rivals pretty decently disposed as times go) and of. Since honour may oblige them to play the Lure. Come, give them me. fool, why should not necessity engage me to play Smug. Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, the knave?
[Erit. soft, white- I have brought it, you see; but
the condition of the obligation is such, that whereSCENE III.—LADY LUREWELL's Lodgings. as that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty
soft hand, that--you understand me; you underEnter LUREWELL and Party.
stand ; I'm sure you do, you little rogueLure. Has my servant brought me the money Lure. Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that from my merchant ?
he won't wench upon his own cost, but would Par. No, madam : he met alderman Smuggler | bribe me with my own money. I'll be revenged. at Charing-Cross, who has promised to wait on |[Aside.] Upon my word, Mr Alderman, you make you himself immediately.
me blush, -what d'ye mean, pray? Lure. "Tis odd that this old rogue should pre-/ Smug. See here, madam. (Puts a piece of motend to love me, and at the same time cheat me ney in his mouth.) Buss and guinea, buss and of my money.
guinea, buss and guinea, Par. 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you | Lure. Well, Mr Alderman, you have such of your estate; for you say the writings are in pretty winning ways, that I will, ha, ha, ha! his hands.
Smug. Will you, indeed, he, he, he! my litLure. But what satisfaction can I get of him? | tle cocket? And when, and where, and how? Oh, bere he comes !
Lure. 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure
both our honours; you must therefore be disEnter SMUGGLER.
guised, Mr Alderman. Mr Alderman, your servant; have you brought Smug. Pshaw ! no matter; I am an old fornime any money, sir?
cator; I'm not half so religious as I seem to be. Smug. Faith, madam, trading is very dead; You little rogue, why, I'm disguised as I am; what with paying the taxes, raising the customs, our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy. losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives Lure. No man is seen to come into this house at home, the bank is reduced very low.
after night-fall; you must therefore sneak in, Lure. Come, come, sir, these evasions won't when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes. serve your turn; I must have money, sir-I hope Smug. With all my heart- I have a suit on you don't design to cheat me?
purpose, my little cocket; I love to be disguised; Smug. Cheat you, madam !-have a care what 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman; 'ecod, you say: I'm an alderman, madam— Cheat I do. vou, madam ! I have been an honest citizen these five-and-thirty years.
| Enter Servant, who whispers LUREWELL. Lure. An honest citizen ! Bear witness, Parly -I shall trap him in more lies presently. Come, Lure. Oh, Mr Alderman, shall I beg you to sir, though I am a woman, I can take a course. walk into the next room? Ilere are some stran
Smug. What course, madam? You'll go to gers coming up. law, will ye? I can maintain a suit of law, be it | Smug. Buss and guinea first-Ab, my little right or wrong, these forty years, I am sure of cocket!
[Erit SMUGGLER. that, thanks to the honest practice of the courts. Lure. Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so
Enter Wildair. ruin your credit.
Wild. My life, my soul, my all that Heaven Smug. Blast my reputation ! he, he, he! Why, I
can give! I'm a religious man, madam; I have been very Lure. Death's life with thee, without thee, instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin death to live. my credit! Ah, poor woman ! There is but one Welcome, my dear sir Harry- I see you got way, madam— you have a sweet leering eye. my directions.
Lure. You instrumental in the reformation ! Wild. Directions ! in the most charming magHow?
ner, thou dear Machiavel of intrigue. Smug. I whipped all the whores, cut and long- Lure. Still brisk and airy, I fiud, sir Harry. tail, out of the parish—Ah, that leering eye! | Wild. The sight of you, madam, exalts my Then, I voted for pulling down the playhouse air, and makes joy lighten in my face.
Lure. I have a thousand questions to ask you,/ Lure. 'Tis your business, then, to acquit yoursir Harry. How d'ye like France ?
self publickly; for he spreads the scandal everyWild. Ah! c'est le plus beau païs du monde. where, Lure. Then, what made you leave it so soon? Wild. Acquit myself publicly !-Here, sirrah,
Wild. Madam, vous voyez que je vous suive my coach; I'll drive instantly into the city, and par-tout.
cane the old villain round the Royal Exchange; Lure. Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligée. he shall run the gauntlet through a thousand But, where's the court now?
brushed beavers, and formal cravats, Wild. At Marli, madam.
Lure. Why, he's in the house now, sir. Irure. And where my count La Valier?
Wild. What, in this house? Wild. His body's in the church of Notre Dame; Lure. Ay, in the next room. I don't know where his soul is.
Wild. Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel. Lure. What disease did he die of?
Lure. Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance Wild. A duel, madam; I was his doctor. in my house? Lure. How d'ye mean?
Wild. Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat Wild. As most doctors do; I killed him. him with the temper of a philosopher. Here,
Lure. En cavalier, my dear knight-errant, Mrs Parly, shew me the gentleman. Well, and how, and how: what intrigues, what
[Erit with PARLY, gallantries are carrying on in the beau monde? Lure. Now shall I get the old monster well
Wild. I should ask you that question, madam, beaten, and sir Harry pestered next term with since your ladyship makes the beau-inonde where- bloodsheds, batteries, costs and damages, soliciever you come.
tors and attornies; and if they don't tease hiin Lure. Ah, sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, out of his good humour, I'll never plot again. pestered to death here, by the incessant attacks
[Erit. of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me as close as our army did Namur.
SCENE IV.-Changes to another room in the Wild. I hope your ladyship did not surrender,
same house. though. Lure. No, no; but was forced to capitulate.
Enter SMUGGLER. But since you are come to raise the siege, we'll Smug. Oh, this damned tide-waiter ! A ship dance, and sing, and laugh
and cargo worth five thousand pounds! Why, 'tis Wild. And love, and kiss Montrez moi richly worth five hundred perjuries. votre chambre? Lure. Attendez, attendez, un peu- I remem
Enter WildAIR. ber, sir Harry, you promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again.
Wild. Dear Mr Alderman, I'm your most deWild. Pshaw, madam! that was above two voted and humble servant. months ago : besides, madam, treaties made in Smug. My best friend, sir Harry, you're welFrance are never kept.
come to England. Lure. Would you marry me, sir Harry? | Wild. I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in
Wild. Oh! la marriage est un grand mal-But the king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, I will marry you.
| dear Mr Alderman!
(Bowing very low. Lure. Your word, sir, is not to be relied on : Smug. Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the if a gentleman will forfeit his honour in dealings most obliging ways with you! of business, we may reasonably suspect his fide | Wild. There is a business, Mr Alderman, lity in an amour.
fallen out, which you may oblige me infinitely by Wild. My honour in dealings of business! I am very sorry that I am forced to be trouWhy, madam, I never had any business in all blesome; but necessity, Mr Aldermanmy life.
Smug. Ay, sir, as you say, necessity - But, Lure. Yes, sir Harry, I have heard a very odd upon my word, sir, I am very short of money at story, and am sorry that a gentleman of your fi- present; but gure should undergo the scandal.
Wild. That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an Wild. Out with it, madam.
obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reLure. Why, the merchant, sir, that transmit- duced to an indispensable necessity of being obted your bills of exchange to you in France, com- liged to you for a beating- Here, take this plains of some indirect and dishonourable deal- cudgel. ings.
| Smug. A beating, sir Harry! ha, ha, ha! I Wild. Who, old Smuggler?
beat a knight-baronet ! an alderman turn cudgelLure. Ay, ay, you know him, I find.
player !-Ha, ha, ha! Wild. I have some reason, I think; why, the Wild. Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, rogue has cheated me of above five hundred or I cudgel you; take your choice. pounds within these three years.
Smug. Pshaw, pshaw! you jest
Wild. Nay, 'tis sure as fate-So, alderman, I; Smug. Oh, for charity's sake, madam, rescue a hope you'll pardon my curiosity. [Strikes him. poor citizen!
Smug. Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, I Lure. Oh, you barbarous man !-Hold, hold! sir !What d'ye mean?
Frappez, plus rudement! Frappez- I wonder Wild. Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir. you are not ashamed. (Holding Wild.) A poor,
Smug. Oh, I can take any thing in jest ! but a reverend, honest elder-[Helps Smug. up.] It man might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, makes me weep to see him in this condition, that you were in downright earnest.
poor man !-Now, the devil take you, sir Harry Wild. Not in the least, sir; [Strikes him.] not -For not beating him harder-Well, my dear, in the least, indeed, sir.
you shall come at night, and I'll make you amends. Smug. Pray, good sir, no more of your jests;
[Here Sir Harry takes snuff. for they are the bluntest ets that ever I knew. | Smug. Madam, I will have amends before I
Wild. [Strikes.] I heartly beg your pardon leave the place— Sir, how durst you use ine with all my heart, sir.
thus? Smug. Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfac Wild, Sir? tion enough from a gentleman. But, seriously Smug. Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction. now, if you pass any more of your jests upon me Wild. With all my heart. I shall grow angry.
Throws snuff into his eyes. Wild. I humbly beg your permission to break Smug. Oh, murder, blindness, fire! Oh, madam, one or two more...
[Strikes him. madam, get me some water. Water, fire, fire, Smug. Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones ! | water!
[Erit with LUREWELL. Are you mad, sir? murder, felony, manslaughter! | Wild. How pleasant is resenting an injury
(WILDAIR knocks him down. without passion! 'Tis the beauty of revenge. Wild. Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; | Let statesmen plot, and under business groan, but I am absolutely compelled to it, upon my | And, settling ublic quiet, lose their own; honour, sir : nothing can be more averse to my Let soldiers drudge and fight for pay or fame, inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, For when they're shot, I think tis much the loving, obliging friend, the Alderman,
same; [Striking him all this while: SMUGGLER tumbles Let scholars vex their brains with mood and over and over, and shakes out his pocket-book
tense, on the floor; LUREWELL enters, and takes And, mad with strength of reason, fools come
mence, Lure. The old rogue's pocket-book; this may Losing their wits in searching after sense ; be of use. [Aside.] Oh, lord, Sir Harry's murder- | Their summum bonum they must toil to gain, ing the poor old man.
And, seeking pleasure, spend their life in pain. Smug. Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, I make the most of life, no hour mispend; till I am murdered in good earnest.
Pleasure's the mean, and pleasure is my end. Lure. Well, well, I'll bring you off, Senior | No spleen, no trouble shall my time destroy; Frappez, frappez!
Life's but a span ; I'll ev'ry inch enjoy. Erit.
SCENE I.-The Street.
of a bride-groom, repeating these lines :
A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
Stand. A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my Stand. I BRING him word where she lodg wrongs he whores her, and I am made their ed; I the civilest rival in the world ? 'Tis im property !—Vengeance-Vizard, you must carry
a note for me to Sir Harry. -. Viz. ( shall urge it no farther, sir. I only | Viz. What, a challenge ? I hope you don't thought, sir, that my character in the world | design to fight. might add authority to my words, without so Stand. What, wear the livery of my king, many repetitions.
and pocket an affront? 'Twere an abuse to Stand. Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief his sacred Majesty: a soldier's sword, Vizard, struggles hard, before it can be brought to yield should start of itself to redress its master's to the disadvantage of what we love; 'tis so great wrong. an abuse to our judgment, that it makes the Viz. However, sir, I think it not proper for faults of our choice our own failing. But what | me to carry any such message between friends. said sir Harry?
Stand. I have ne'er a servant here; what shall Viz. He pitied the poor credulous colonel, I do? laughed heartily, flew away with all the raptures Viz. There's Tom Errand, the porter, that