FARQUHAR.] what nature has made so incomparably well; they would be delicate creatures, indeed, could they but thoroughly arrive at the French mien, or entirely let it alone; for they only spoil a very good air of their own, by an awkward imitation of ours; their parliaments, and our tailors, give laws to the three kingdoms. But come, Duretete, let us mind the business in hand; mistresses we must have, and must take up with the manufacture of the place, and, upon a competent diligence, we shall find those in Paris shall match the Italians from top to toe. Dur. Aye, Mirabell, you will do well enough, know friend? you your but what will become of I am so plaguy bashful, so naturally an ass upon these occasions, that Mir. Pshaw! you must be bolder, man: travel three years, and bring home such a baby as bashfulness! a great lusty fellow! and a soldier! fy upon it! Dur. Look'e, sir, I can visit, and I can ogle a little-as thus, or thus, now. Then, I can kiss abundantly, and make a shift to--but if they chance to give me a forbidding look, as some women, you know, have a devilish cast with their eyes or if they cry-what d'ye mean? what d'ye take me for? fye, sir, remember who I am, sir-a person of quality to be used at this rate! 'egad, I'm struck as flat as a frying-pan! Mir. Words o' course! never mind them: turn you about upon your heel with a jantée air; hum out the end of an old song; cut a cross caper, and at her again. Dur. [Imitates him.] No, hang it, 'twill never do. Oons, what did my father mean by sticking me up in an university? or to think that I should gain any thing by my head in a nation, whose genius lies all in their heels! well, if ever I come to have children of my own, they shall have the education of the country; they shall learn to dance before they can walk, and be taught to sing before they can speak. Mir. Come, come, throw off that childish humour; put on assurance, there's no avoiding it; stand all hazards, thou'rt a stout lusty fellow, and hast a good estate; look bluff, hector, you have a good side-box face, a pretty impudent face; so, that's pretty well. This fellow went abroad like an ox, and is returned like an ass. [Aside. Enter OLD MIRABELL. Old Mir. Where's Bob? dear Bob! Old Mir. My blessing! damn ye, ye young rogue! why did ye not come to see your father first, sirrah? my dear boy, I am heartily glad to see thee, my dear child, faith-captain Duretete, by the blood of the Mirabells, I'in your's; well, my lads, ye look bravely, faith. Bob, hast got any money left? Mir. Not a farthing, sir. Old Mir. Why, then I won't gi' thee a souse. Old Mir. Why, then here's ten more; I love to be charitable to those, that don't want it: well, and how d'ye like Italy, my boy? Mir. Oh, the garden of the world, sir; Rome, Naples, Venice, Milan, and a thousand othersall fine. Old Mir. Aye, say you so! and, they say, that Chiari is very fine, too. Dur. Indifferent, sir, very indifferent; a very scurvy air, the most unwholesome to a French constitution in the world. Mir. Pshaw, nothing on't; these rascally Gazeteers have misinformed you. Old Mir. Misinformed me! Oons, sir, were not we beaten there? Mir. Beaten, sir! the French beaten ! Old Mir. Confound you both, for a brace of cowards! here are no Germans to over-hear you why don't ye tell me how it was? Mir. Why, then, you must know, that we marched up a body of the finest, bravest, welldressed fellows in the universe; our commanders at the head of us, all lace and feather, like so many beaux at a ball-I don't believe there was a man of them but could dance a charmèr, morbleau. Old Mir. Dance! very well, pretty fellows, faith! Mir. We capered up to their very trenches, and there saw peeping over a parcel of scarecrow, olive-coloured gun-powder fellows, as ug Dur. 'Egad, I shall never forget the looks of them, while I have breath to fetch. Dur. Let me see now, how I look.-Pulls out a pocket-glass, and looks in it.]—A side-box|ly as the devil. face, say you! 'egad, I don't like it, Mirabell. Fy, sir, don't abuse your friends; I could not wear such a face for the best countess in Christendom. Mir. Why can't you, blockhead, as well as I? Dur. Why, thou hast impudence to set a good face upon any thing; I would change half my gold for half thy brass, with all my heart. Who father! comes here? Odso, Mirabell, your Mir. They were so civil, indeed, as to welcome us with their cannon; but, for the rest, we found them such unmannerly, rude, unsociable dogs, that we grew tired of their company, and so we e'en danced back again. Old Mir. And did ye all come back? Mir. No, two or three thousand of us staid behind. Old Mir. Why, Bob, why? Mir. Pshaw-because they could not come that night. But come, sir, we were talking of something else; pray, how does your lovely charge, the fair Oriana? Old Mir. Ripe, sir, just ripe: you'll find it better engaging with her than with the Germans, let me tell you. And what would you say, my young Mars, if I had a Venus for thee, too? Come, Bob, your apartment is ready, and pray let your friend be my guest, too; you shall command the house between ye, and I'll be as merry as the best of you. SCENE I.-OLD MIRABELL's house. Enter ORIANA and BISARRE. Bis. AND you love this young rake, d'ye? Bis. In spite of all his ill usage? Ori. I can't help it. Bis. What's the matter with ye? ACT II. Bis. Um! before that any young, lying, swearing, flattering, rakehelly fellow should play such tricks with me, I would wear my teeth to the stumps with lime and chalk. O, the devil take all your Cassandras and Cleopatras for me!-Prithee, mind your airs, modes, and fashions; your stays, gowns, and furbelows. Hark'e, my dear, have you got home your furbelowed smocks yet? Ori. Prithee, be quiet, Bisarre; you know I can be as mad as you, when this Mirabell is out of my head. I would soon throw the contract out of doors; but the mischief on't is, I am so fond of being tied, that I am forced to be just, and the strength of my passion keeps down the inclination of my sex. But here's the old gentleman. Enter OLD MIRABELL. Old Mir. Where's my wenches? where's my two little girls? Eh? Have a care, look to yourselves; faith, they're a coming, the travellers are a coming. Well, which of you two will be my daughter-in-law, now? Bisarre, Bisarre, what say you, mad-cap? Mirabell is a pure wild fellow. Bis. I like him the worse. Old Mir. You lie, hussey, you like him the better, indeed you do: What say you, my t'other little filbert? eh? Ori. I suppose the gentleman will chuse for himself, sir. Old Mir. Why, that's discreetly said; and so he shall. Bis. Pshaw! would he were out, or in, or some way, to make you easy. I warrant, now, Enter MIRABELL and DURETETE. you'll play the fool, when he comes, and say you love him; eh! Ori. Most certainly-I can't dissemble, Bisarre besides, 'tis past that, we're contracted. Bis. Contracted! alack-a-day, poor thing!What, have you changed rings, or broken an old broad-piece between you! Hark'e, child, han't you broke 30mething else between ye? Ori. No, no, I can assure you. Bis. Then, what d'ye whine for? Whilst I kept that in my power, I would make a fool of any fellow in France. Well, I must confess, I do love a little coquetting with all my heart! my business should be to break gold with my lover one hour, and crack my promise the next; he should find me one day with a prayer-book in my hand, and with a play-book another. He should have my consent to buy the weddingring, and the next moment would I laugh in his face. Ori. O, my dear! were there no greater tie upon my heart, than there is upon my conscience, the ladies. They salute Hark'e, Bob, you shall marry one of these girls, sirrah. Mir. Sir, I'll marry them both, if you please. Bis. [Aside.] He'll find that one may serve his turn. Old Mir. Both! Why, you young dog, d'ye banter me? Come, sir, take your choice. Duretete, you shall have your choice, too; but Robin shall chuse first. Come, sir, begin. Mir. Well, I an't the first son, that has made his father's dwelling a bawdy house---let me see. Old Mir. Well! which d'ye like? Mir. Both. Old Mir. But which will you marry? Old Mir. Neither! Don't make me angry now, Bob; pray don't make me angry. Look'e, sirrah, if I don't dance at your wedding to-mor row, I shall be very glad to cry at your grave. Mir. That's a bull, father. Old Mir. A bull! Why, how now, ungrateful sir! did I make thee a man, that thou shouldst make me a beast? Mir. Your pardon, sir. I only meant your expression. Old Mir. Hark'e, Bob, learn better manners to your father before strangers; I wont be angry this time. But Oons, if ever you do't again, you rascal-remember what I say. Mir. Pshaw! what does the old fellow mean by mewing me up here with a couple of green girls? Come, Duretete, will you go? Ori. I hope, Mr Mirabell, you han't forgot.Mir. No, no, madam, I han't forgot, I have brought you a thousand Italian curiosities; I'll assure you, madam, as far as a hundred pistoles would reach, I han't forgot the least circum stance. Ori. Sir, you misunderstand me. and which proceed from simple enumeration, are dubitable, and proceed only upon admittanceMir. Hoyty toyty! what a plague have we here? Plato in petticoats. Dur. Ay, ay, let her go on, man; she talks in my own mother-tongue. Bis. 'Tis exposed to invalidity from a contra dictory instance; looks only upon common operations; and is infinite in its termination. Mir. Rare pedantry! Dur. Axioms! Axioms! Self-evident principles. Bis. Then, the ideas wherewith the mind is pre-occupate-O gentlemen, I hope you'll pardon my cogitation; I was involved in a profound point of philosophy; but I shall discuss it somewhere else, being satisfied that the subject is not agreeable to your sparks, that profess the vanity of the times. [Exit. Mir. Go thy way, good wife Bias: do you hear, Duretete? Dost hear this starched piece of Mir. Odso, the relics, madam, from Rome. I do remember, now, you made a vow of chastity before my departure; a vow of chastity, or some-austerity? thing like it was it not, madam? Ori. O, sir, I'm answered at present. [Exit ORIANA. Mir. She was coming full mouth upon me with her contract-Would I might dispatch t'other! Dur. Mirabell-that lady there, observe her, she's wondrous pretty, faith, and seems to have but few words: I like her mainly; speak to her, man; prithee speak to her. Mir. Madam, here's a gentleman, who declares Dur. She's mine, man; she's mine: My own talent to a T. I'll match her in dialects, faith. I was seven years at the university, man, nursed up with Barbara, Celarunt, Darií, Ferio, Baralipton. Did you ever know, man, that 'twas metaphysics made me an ass? It was, faith. Had she talked a word of singing, dancing, plays, fashions, or the like, I had foundered at the first step; but as she is-Mirabell, wish me joy. Mir. You don't mean marriage, I hope. Dur. No, no, I am a man of more honour. Mir. Bravely resolved, captain. Now, for thy Dur. Madam, don't believe him, I declare no- credit, warm me this frozen snow-ball! 'twill be a thing-What the devil do you mean, man? Mir. He says, madam, that you are as beautiful as an angel. Dur. He tells a damned lie, madam; I say no such thing: Are you mad, Mirabell? Why, I shall drop down with shame. Mir. And so, madam, not doubting but your ladyship may like him as well as he does you, I think it proper to leave you together. [Going, DURETETE holds him. Dur. Hold, hold- Why, Mirabell, friend, sure you wont be so barbarous as to leave me alone. Prithee, speak to her for yourself, as it were. Lord, lord, that a Frenchman should want impudence! conquest above the Alps. Dur. But will you promise to be always near me? Mir. You look mighty demure, madam—can be so immodest. She's deaf, captain. Dur. I had much rather have her dumb. Mir. The gravity of your air, madam, promises some extraordinary fruits from your study, which moves us with curiosity to inquire the subject of your ladyship's contemplation. Not a word! Dur. I hope in the lord she's speechless! if she be, she's mine this moment. Mirabell, d'ye think a woman's silence can be natural? Bis. But the forms, that logicians introduce, Enter ORIANA. Well, madam, why d'ye follow me? Ori. Well, sir, why do you shun me? Mir. 'Tis my humour, madam, and I'm naturally swayed by inclination. Öri. Have you forgot our contract, sir? Mir. All I remember of that contract is, that it was made some three years ago, and that's enough in conscience to forget the rest on't. Ori. 'Tis sufficient, sir, to recollect the passing of it; for in that circumstance, I presume, lies the force of the obligation. Mir. Obligations, madam, that are forced upon the will, are no tie upon the conscience. I was a slave to my passion, when I passed the instrument; but the recovery of my freedom makes the contract void. but so many baits and devices to delude men out Ori. Sir, you can't make that a compulsion, which was your own choice; besides, sir, a sub-solved to use it. jection to your own desires has not the virtue of a forcible constraint: And you will find, sir, that, to plead your passion for the killing a man, will hardly exempt you from the justice of the punishment. Mir. And so, madam, you make the sin of murder and the crime of a contract the very same, because hanging and matrimony are so much alike? Ori. Come, Mr Mirabell, these expressions I expected from the raillery of your humour; but I hope for very different sentiments from your honour and generosity. Mir. Look'e, madam; as for my generosity, 'tis at your service, with all my heart: I'll keep you a coach and six horses, if you please, only permit me to keep my honour to myself; for I can assure you, madam, that the thing called honour is a circumstance absolutely unnecessary in a natural correspondence between male and female, and he's a mad-man, that lays it out, considering its scarcity, upon any such trivial occasions. There's honour required of us by our friends, and honour due to our enemies, and they return it to us again; but I never heard of a man that left but an inch of his honour in a woman's keeping, that could ever get the least account on't- -Consider, madam, you have no such thing among ye, and 'tis a main point of policy to keep no faith with reprobates-thou art a pretty little reprobate, and so get thee about thy business. Ori. Well, sir, even all this I will allow to the gaiety of your temper; your travels have improved your talent of talking; but they are not of force, I hope, to impair your morals. Mir. Morals! Why, there 'tis again now-I tell thee, child, there is not the least occasion for morals in any business between you and IDon't you know, that of all commerce in the world, there is no such cozenage and deceit as in the traffic between man and woman? we study all our lives long how to put tricks upon one another-What is your business, now, from the time you throw away your artificial babies, but how to get natural ones with the most advantage! No fowler lays abroad more nets for his game, nor a hunter for his prey, than you do to catch poor innocent men-Why do you sit three or four hours at your toilet in a morning? only with a villainous design to make some poor fellow a fool before night. What are your languishing looks, your studied air and affectations, | Mir. Hold, hold, madam, not so fast-As you have variety of vanities to make coxcombs of us; so, we have vows, oaths, and protestations, of all sorts and sizes, to make fools of you. As you are very strange and whimsical creatures, so we are allowed as unaccountable ways of managing you. And this, in short, my dear creature, is our present condition. I have sworn and lied briskly to gain my ends of you: your ladyship has patched and painted violently, to gain your ends of meBut, since we are both disappointed, let us make a drawn battle, and part clear on both sides. Ori. With all my heart, sir; give me up my contract, and I'll never see your face again. Mir. Indeed I won't, child. Ori. What, sir, neither do one nor t'other? Mir, No, you shall die a maid, unless you please to be otherwise upon my terms. Ori. What do you intend by this, sir? Mir. Why, to starve you into compliance— look'e, you shall never marry any man; and you had as good let me do you a kindness as a stranger. Ori. Sir, you're a Mir. What am I, mistress? Mir. I'm glad on't-I never knew an honest fellow in my life, but was a villain upon these occasions- -Han't you drawn yourself into a very pretty dilemma? Ha, ha, ha! the poor lady has made a vow of virginity, when she thought of making a vow for the contrary. Was ever poor woman so cheated into chastity? Ori. Sir, my fortune is equal to yours, my friends as powerful, and both shall be put to the test, to do me justice. Mir. What you'll force me to marry you, will ye? Ori. Sir, the law shall. Mir. But the law can't force me to do any thing else, can it? Ori. Pshaw! I despise thee-monster. Mir. Kiss and be friends, then-Don't cry, child, and you shall have your sugar-plumb Come, madam, d'ye think I could be so unreasonable as to make you fast all your life long? No, I did but jest, you shall have your liberty; here, take your contract, and give me mine. Ori. No, I won't. Mir. Eh! What, is the girl a fool? Ori. No, sir, you shall find me cunning enough to do myself justice; and since I must FARQUHAR.] BRITISH DRAMA. not depend upon your love, I'll be revenged, and force you to marry me out of spite. Mir. Then I'll beat thee out of spite; and make a most confounded husband. Ori. O sir, I shall match ye: A good husband makes a good wife at any time. Mir. I'll rattle down your china about your ears. -Ori. And I'll rattle about the city to run you in debt for more. Mir. Your face-mending toilet shall fly out of the window. Ori. And your face-mending periwig shall fly after it. Mir. I'll tear the furbelow off your clothes; and when you swoon for vexation, you shan't have a penny to buy a bottle of hartshorn. Ori. And you, sir, shall have hartshorn in abundance. Mir. I'll keep as many mistresses as I have coach-horses. Ori. And I'll keep as many gallants as you have grooms. Mir. I'll lie with your woman before your face. Ori. Have a care of your valet behind your back. Mir. But, sweet madam, there is such a thing as a divorce. Ori. But, sweet sir, there is such a thing as [Exit. alimony; so divorce on, and spare not. Mir. Ay, that separate maintenance is the devil there's their refuge-o'ny conscience, one would take cuckoldom for a meritorious action, because the women are so handsomely rewarded for't! [Exit. SCENE II.-A large parlour in the same house. Enter DURETETE and PETIT. Dur. And she's mighty peevish, you say? Pet. O sir, she has a tongue as long as my leg, and talks so crabbedly, you would think she always spoke Welsh. Dur. That's an odd language, methinks, for her philosophy. half a day you Pet. But sometimes she will sit without speaking a word, and talk oracles all the while, by the wrinkles of her forehead, and the motions of her eye-brows. Dur. Nay, I shall match her in philosophical ogles, faith; that's my talent: I can talk best, you must know, when I say nothing. Pet. But d'ye ever laugh, sir? Dur. Laugh! Won't she endure laughing? Pet. Why, she's a critic, sir; she hates a jest, for fear it should please her; and nothing keeps her in humour but what gives her the spleenAnd then for logic, and all that, you know Dur. Ay, ay, I'm prepared; I have been practising hard words, and no sense, this hour to entertain her. Pet. Then place yourself behind this screen, that you may have a view of her behaviour before you begin. Dur. I long to engage her, lest I should for- Pet. Here she comes, sir; I must fly. Enter BISARRE and Maid. Bis. [with a book.] Pshaw, hang books! they sour our temper, spoil our eyes, and ruin our [Throws away the book. complexions. Dur. Eh! The devil such a word there is in all Aristotle. Bis. Come, wench; let's be free, call in the fiddle, there's nobody near us. Enter Fiddler. Dur. Would to the Lord there was not! Bis. Here, friend, a minuet! quicker time; ha! would we had a man or two! Dur. [Stealing away.] You shall have the devil sooner, my dear dancing philosopher. Bis. Uds my life!-Here's one. [Runs to DVR. and hales him back. Dur. Is all my learned preparation come to this? Bis. Come, sir, don't be ashamed, that's my good boy-you're very welcome, we wanted such a one- -Come, strike up---I know you dance well, sir, you're finely shaped for't--Come, come, sir; quick, quick, you miss the time else. Dur. But, madam, I come to talk with you. Bis. Ay, ay, talk as you dance; talk as you dance; come. Dur. But we were talking of Dialectics. -Mind the time-Bis. Hang Dialecticsquicker, sirrah, [To the Fiddler.] Comehow d'ye find yourself now, sir? -and Dur. In a fine breathing sweat, doctor. Dur. Who, I sing? Bis. O you're modest, sir-but come, sit down, closer, closer. Here, a bottle of wine-Comc, sir, fa, la, lay; sing, sir. Dur. But, inadam, I came to talk with you. Bis. O sir, you shall drink first. Come, fill me a bumper-here, sir, bless the king. Dur. Would I were out of his dominions!By this light, she'll make me drunk, too. Bis. O pardon me, sir, you shall do me right; fill it higher.-Now, sir, can you drink a health under your leg? Dur. Rare philosophy that, faith! Bis. Come, off with it to the bottom.-Now, sir? how d'ye like me, Dur. O, mighty well, madam. Bis. You see how a woman's fancy varies; |