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what nature has made so incomparably well ; 1
Enter Old MIRABELL... they would be delicate creatures, indeed, could they but thoroughly arrive at the French mien, Old Mir. Where's Bob? dear Bob! . or entirely let it alone; for they only spoil a very) Mir. Your blessing, sir. good air of their own, by an awkward imitation Old Mir. My blessing! damn ye, ye young of ours; their parliaments, and our tailors, give rogue! why did ye not come to see your father laws to the three kingdoms. But come, Du- first, sirrah? my dear boy, I am heartily glad to retete, let us mind the business in hand; mis- see thee, my dear child, faith-captain Duretete, tresses we must have, and must take up with the by the blood of the Mirabells, l'in your's; well, manufacture of the place, and, upon a compe- my lads, ye look bravely, faith. Bob, hast got tent diligence, we shall find those in Paris shall any money left? match the Italians from top to toe.
‘Mir. Not a farthing, sir. Dur. Aye, Mirabell, you will do well enough, Old Mir. Why, then I won't gi’ thee a souse. but what will become of your friend? you know Mir. I did but jest, here's ten pistoles. I am so plaguy bashful, so naturally an ass upon Old Mir. Why, then here's ten more; I love these occasions, that
to be charitable to those, that don't want it; Mir. Pshaw! you must be bolder, man : travel well, and how d'ye like Italy, my boy? three years, and bring hoine such a baby as bash- Mir. Oh, the garden of the world, sir; Rome, fulness! a great lusty fellow! and a soldier! fy Naples, Venice, Milan, and a thousand othersupon it!
all fine. Dur. Look'e, sir, I can visit, and I can ogle a Old Mir. Aye, say you so ! and, they say, that little—as thus, or thus, now. Then, I can kiss Chiari is very fine, too. abundantly, and make a shift to--but if they Dur. Indifferent, sir, very indifferent; a very chance to give me a forbidding look, as some wo- scurvy air, the most unwholesome to a French men, you know, have a devilish cast with their constitution in the world, eyes-or if they cry-what d'ye mean? what Mir. Pshaw, nothing on't; these rascally Gad'ye take me for? fye, sir, remember who I am, zeteers have inisinformed you. sir-a person of quality to be used at this rate! Old Mir. Misinformed me! Oons, sir, were 'egad, I'm struck as fat as a frying-pan!
not we beaten there? Mir. Words o' course! never mind them : turn Mir. Beaten, sir ! the French beaten! you about upon your heel with a jantée air; hum Old Mir. Why, how was it, pray, swect sir? out the end of an old song; cut a cross caper, Mir, Sir, the captain will tell you. and at her again.
Dur. No, sir, your son will tell you. Dur. (Imitates him.7 No, bang it, 'twill ne- Mir. The captain was in the action, sir. ver do. Dons, what did my father mean by stick- Dur. Your son saw more than I, sir, for he ing me up in an university? or to think that I was a looker on. should gain any thing by my head in a nation, Old Mir. Confound you both, for a brace of whose genius lies all in their heels! well, if ever cowards! here are no Germans to over-hear I come to have children of my own, they shall you : why don't ye tell me how it was? have the education of the country; they shall Mir. Why, then, you must know, that we learn to dance before they can walk, and be marched up a body of the finest, bravest, welltaught to sing before they can speak.
dressed fellows in the universe ; our commanders Mir. Come, come, throw off that childish hu- at the head of us, all lace and feather, like so mour; put on assurance, there's no avoiding it; many beaux at a ball-I don't believe there was stand all hazards, thou’rt a stout lusty fellow, and a man of them but could dance a charmer, morhast a good estate; look bluff, hector, you have a bleau. good side-box face, a pretty impudent face; so, Old Mir. Dance! very well, pretty fellows, that's pretty well. This fellow went abroad like faith! an ox, and is returned like an ass.
Mir. We capered up to their very trenches,
[ Aside. and there sąw peeping over a parcel of scareDur. Let me see now, how I look.- [Pulls crow, olive-coloured gun-powder fellows, as ugout a pocket-glass, and looks in it.)- A side-box ly as the devil. face, say you! 'egad, I don't like it, Mirabell. Dur. 'Egad, I shall never forget the looks of Fy, sir, don't abuse your friends; I could not them, while I have breath to fetch. wear such a face for the best countess in Chris- Mir. They were so civil, indeed, as to weltendom.
come us with their cannon; but, for the rest, we · Mir. Why can't you, blockhead, as well as I found them such unmannerly, rude, unsociable
Dur. Why, thou hast impudence to set a good dogs, that we grew tired of their company, and face upon any thing; I would change half my so we e'en danced back again. gold for half thy brass, with all my heart. Who Old Mir. And did ye all come back? comes here? Odso, Mirabell, your father!
Mir. No, two or three thousand of us staid behind.
Old Mir. Why, Bob, why?
| Mir. Bravely said, father! Mir. Pshaw-because they could not come that night. But come, sir, we were talking of Let misers bend their age with niggard cares, something else; pray, how does your lovely and starve themselves to pamper hungry heirs; charge, the fair Oriana ?
Who, living, stint their sons what youth may Old Mir. Ripe, sir, just ripe : you'll find it better engaging with her than with the Germans, And make them revel o'er a father's grave. let me tell you. And what would you say, my The stock on which I grew does still dispense young Mars, if I had a Venus for thee, too? - Its genial sap into the blooming branch; Come, Bob, your apartment is ready, and pray | The fruit, he knows, from his own root is grown, let your friend be my guest, too; you shall com- | And, therefore, sooths those passions once his mand the house between ye, and I'll be as merry
Own. as the best of you.
SCENE I.--OLD MIRABELL's house. I would soon throw the contract out of doors;
but the mischief on't is, I am so fond of being Enter Oriana and BISARRE.
tied, that I am forced to be just, and the strength Bis. And you love this young rake, d'ye? of my passion keeps down the inclination of my Ori. Yes.
sex. But here's the old gentleman. Bis. In spite of all his ill usage? Ori. I can't help it.
Enter OLD MIRABELL. Bis. What's the matter with ye?
Old Mir. Where's my wenches? where's my Ori. Pshaw!
two little girls ? Eh? Have a care, look to yourBis. Um! before that any young, lying, swear- selves; faith, they're a coming, the travellers are ing, flattering, rakehelly fellow should play such a coming. Well, which of you two will be my tricks with me, I would wear my teeth to the daughter-in-law, now? Bisarre, Bisarre, what say stumps with lime and chalk. O, the devil take you, mad-cap? Mirabell is a pure wild fellow. all your Cassandras and Cleopatras for me!- Bis. I like him the worse. Prithee, mind your airs, modes, and fashions; Old Mir. You lie, hussey, you like him the your stays, gowns, and furbelows. Hark'e, my better, indeed you do: What say you, my t'other dear, have you got home your furbelowed smocks | little filbert? eh? yet?
Ori. I suppose the gentleman will chuse for Ori. Prithee, be quiet, Bisarre; you know I himself, sir. can be as mad as you, when this Mirabell is out Old Mir. Why, that's discreetly said; and so of my head.
he shall. Bis. Pshaw! would he were out, or in, or some way, to make you easy. I warrant, now,
| Enter MIRABELL and DURETETE. They salute you'll play the fool, when he comes, and say you
the ladies. love him; eh!
Ori. Most certainly-I can't dissemble, Bi- Hark'e, Bob, you shall marry one of these girls, sarre: besides, 'tis past that, we're contracted. sirrah.
Bis. Contracted! alack-a-day, poor thing ! - Mir. Sir, I'll marry them both, if you please. What, have you changed rings, or broken an old Bis. [Aside.] He'll find that one may serve broad-piece between you ! Hark'e, child, han't his turn. you broke something else between ye?
1 Old Mir. Both! Why, you young dog, d'ye Ori. No, no, I can assure you.
banter me? Come, sir, take your choice. DuBis. Then, what d'ye whine for? Whilst I retete, you shall have your choice, too; but Ro kept that in my power, I would make a fool of bin shall chuse first. Come, sir, begin. any fellow in France. Well, I must confess, Il Mir. Well, I an't the first son, that has made do love a little coquetting with all my heart ! my his father's dwelling a bawdy house--let me see. business should be to break gold with my lover Old Mir. Well! which d’ye like? one hour, and crack my promise the next; he Mir. Both. should find me one day with a prayer-bouk in Old Mir. But which will you marry? my hand, and with a play-book another. He Mir. Neither.
should have my consent to buy the wedding-1 Old Mir. Neither! Don't make me angry · ring, and the next moment would I laugh in his now, Bob; pray don't make me angry. Look'e,
sirrah, if I don't dance at your wedding to-morOri. O, my dear! were there no greater tie row, I shall be very glad to cry at your grave. upon my heart, than there is upon my conscience, Mir. That's a bull, father.
Old Mir. A bull! Why, how now, ungrateful, and which proceed from simple enumeration, are sir ! did I make thee a man, that thou shouldst dubitable, and proceed only upon admittancemake me a beast?
Mir. Hoyty toyty! what a plague have we Mir. Your pardon, sir. I only meant your here? Plato in petticoats. expression.
Dur. Ay, ay, let her go on, man; she talks in Old Mir, Hark'e, Bob, learn better manners my own mother-tongue. to your father before strangers ; I wont be angry Bis. 'Tis exposed to invalidity from a contrathis time. But Oons, if ever you do't again, you dictory instance; looks only upon common operarascal-remember what I say.
tions; and is infinite in its termination. Mir. Pshaw! what does the old fellow mean Mir. Rare pedantry! by mewing me up here with a couple of green Dur. Axioms! Axioms! Self-evident princigirls ? Come, Duretete, will you go?
ples. Ori. I hope, Mr Mirabell, you han't forgot.—1 Bis. Then, the ideas wherewith the mind is
Mir. No, no, madam, I han't forgot, I have pre-occupate-O gentlemen, I hope you'll parbrought you a thousand Italian curiosities; I'll don my cogitation; I was inyolved in a profound assure you, madam, as far as a hundred pistoles point of philosophy; but I shall discuss it somewould reach, I han't forgot the least circum where else, being satisfied that the subject is not stance.
agreeable to your sparks, that profess the vanity Ori. Sir, you misunderstand me.
of the times.
[Exit. Mir. Odso, the relics, madam, from Rome. I Mir. Go thy way, good wife Bias: do you do remember, now, you made a vow of chastity be- hear, Duretete Dost hear this starched piece of fore my departure; a vow of chastity, or some- austerity? thing like it-was it not, madam?
Dur. She's mine, man; she's mine : My own Ori. O, sir, I'm answered at present,
talent to a T. I'll match her in dialects, faith.
[Erit ORIANA. I was seven years at the university, man, nursed Mir. She was coming full mouth upon me up with Barbara, Celarunt, Darii, Ferio, Barawith her contract-Would I might dispatch t'or lipton. Did you ever know, man, that 'twas mether!
taphysics made me an ass? It was, faith. Had Dur. Mirabell-that lady there, observe her, she talked a word of singing, dancing, plays, fashe's wondrous pretty, faith, and seems to have shions, or the like, I had foundered at the first but few words : I like her mainly; speak to her, step; but as she is Mirabell, wish me joy. man; prithee speak to her.
Mir. You don't mean marriage, I hope. Mir. Madam, here's a gentleman, who de Dur. No, no, I am a man of more honour. clares
Mir. Bravely resolved, captain. Now, for thy Dur. Madam, don't believe him, I declare no- credit, warm me this frozen snow-ball ! 'twill be a thing—What the devil do you mean, man? conquest above the Alps.
Mir. He says, madam, that you are as beau- Dur. But will you promise to be always near tiful as an angel.
me? Dur. He tells a damned lie, madam; I say no Mir. Upon all occasions, never fear. such thing: Are you mad, Mirabell? Why, Il Dur. Why, then, you shall see me in two moshall drop down with shame.
ments make an induction froin my love to her Mir. And so, madam, not doubting but your hand, from her hand to her mouth, from her ladyship may like him as well as he does you, Imouth to her heart, and so conclude in her bed, think it proper to leave you together.
[Exit. Going, DURETETE holds him. Mir. Now the game begins, and my fool is Dur. Hold, hold- Why, Mirabell, friend, I entered. But here comes one to spoil my sport; sure you wont be so barbarous as to leave me now shall I be teazed to death with this old fashalone. Prithee, speak to her for yourself, as | ioned contract. I should love her, too, if I it were. Lord, lord, that a Frenchman should | might do it my own way; but she'll do nothing want impudence!
without witnesses forsooth. I wonder women Mir. "You look mighty demure, madam, can be so immodest. She's deaf, captain. Dur. I had much rather have her dumb.
Enter ORIANA. Mir. The gravity of your air, madam, promi- Well, madam, why d'ye follow me? ses some extraordinary fruits from your study, Ori. Well, sir, why do you shun me? which moves us with curiosity to inquire the Mir. 'Tis my humour, madam, and I'm natusubject of your ladyship's contemplation. Not a rally swayed by inclination. word!
Ori. Have you forgot our contract, sir? Dur. I hope in the lord she's speechless! if Mir. All I remember of that contract is, that she be, she's mine this moment. Mirabell, d'ye it was made some three years ago, and that's think a woman's silence can be natural?
enough in conscience to forget the rest on't. Bis. But the forms, that logicians introduce, Ori. 'Tis sufficient, sir, to recollect the passing of it; for in that circumstance, I presume, lies but so many baits and devices to delude men out the force of the obligation.
of their dear liberty and freedom? What d'ye Mir. Obligations, madam, that are forced up- sigh for? What d'ye weep for? What d'ye pray on the will, are no tie upon the conscience. I for? Why, for a husband: That is, you implore was a slave to my passion, when I passed the in- Providence to assist you in the just and pious strument; but the recovery of my freedom makes design of making the wisest of his creatures a the contract void.
fool, and the head of the creation a slave. Ori. Sir, you can't make that a compulsion, Ori. Sir, I am proud of my power, and am rewhich was your own choice; besides, sir, a sub- solved to use it. jection to your own desires has not the virtue of Mir. Hold, hold, madam, not so fast-As you a forcible constraint: And you will find, sir, that, have variety of vanities to make coxcombs of us; to plead your passion for the killing a inan, will so, we have vows, oaths, and protestations, of all hardly exempt you from the justice of the pu- sorts and sizes, to make fools of you. As you are nishment.
very strange and whimsical creatures, so we are Mir. And so, madam, you make the sin of allowed as unaccountable ways of managing you. murder and the crime of a contract the very And this, in short, my dear creature, is our presame, because hanging and matrimony are so sent condition. I have sworn and lied briskly to much alike?
gain my ends of you : your ladyship has patched Ori. Come, Mr Mirabell, these expressions I and painted violently, to gain your ends of me expected from the raillery of your humour; but I But, since we are both disappointed, let us make hope for very different sentiments from your ho- a drawn battle, and part clear on both sides. nour and generosity.
Ori. With all my heart, sir; give me up my Mir. Look'e, madam; as for my generosity, 'tis contract, and I'll never see your face again." at your service, with all my heart: I'll keep you a Mir. Indeed I won't, child. coach and six horses, if you please, only permit Ori. What, sir, neither do one nor t'other? me to keep iny honour to myself; for I can as- Mir, No, you shall die a maid, unless you sure you, madam, that the thing called honour is please to be otherwise upon my terms. a circumstance absolutely unnecessary in a na- Ori. What do you intend by this, sir? tural correspondence between male and female, Mir. Why, to starve you into complianceand he's a mad-man, that lays it out, considering look'e, you shall never marry any man; and you its scarcity, upon any such trivial occasions. had as good let me do you a kindness as a There's honour required of us by our friends, stranger. and honour due to our enemies, and they return Ori. Sir, you're a it to us again; but I never heard of a man that | Mir. What am I, mistress? left but an inch of his honour in a woman's Ori. A villain, sir! keeping, that could ever get the least account Mir. I'm glad on't-I never koew an honest on't Consider, madam, you have no such fellow in my life, but was a villain · upon these thing among ye, and 'tis a main point of policy occasions— Han't you drawn yourself into a to keep no faith with reprobates—thou art a very pretty dilemına? Ha, ha, ha! the poor lady pretty little reprobate, and so get thee about thy has made a vow of virginity, when she thought of business.
making a vow for the contrary. Was ever poor Ori. Well, sir, even all this I will allow to the woman so cheated into chastity? gaiety of your temper; your travels have im Ori. Sir, my fortune is equal to yours, my proved your talent of talking; but they are not friends as powerful, and both shall be put to the of force, I hope, to impair your morals.
test, to do me justice. Mir. Morals! Why, there 'tis again now--Il Mir. What! you'll force me to marry you, tell thee, child, there is not the least occasion for will ye? morals in any business between you and I- Ori. Sir, the law shall. Don't you know, that of all commerce in the Mir. But the law can't force me to do any world, there is no such cozenage and deceit as thing else, can it? in the traffic between man and woman? we Ori. Pshaw! I despise thee-monster. study all our lives long how to put tricks upon Mir. Kiss and be friends, then-Don't cry, one another-What is your business, now, from child, and you shall have your sugar-plumb the time you throw away your artificial babies, Come, madam, d'ye think I could be so unreabut how to get natural ones with the most ad- sonable as to make you fast all your life loog? vantage ! No fowler lays abroad more pets for No, I did but jest, you shall have your liberhuis gavie, nor a hunter for his piey, than you do ty; here, take your contract, and give me to catch poor innocent men-Why do you sit mine. three or four hours at your toilet in a morning? Ori. No, I won't. only with a villainous design to make some poor Mir. Eh! What is the girl a fool?. fellow a fool before night. What are your lan- Ori. No, sir, you shall find me cunning guishing looks, your studied air and affectations, enough to do myself justice; and since I must
not depend upon your love, I'll be revenged, and Pet. Then place yourself behind this screen, force you to marry me out of spite.
that you may have a view of her behaviour beMir. Then I'll beat thee out of spite ; and fore you begin. make a most confounded husband.
Dur. I long to engage her, lest I should forOri. O sir, I shall match ye: A good husband get my lesson. makes a good wife at any time.
Pet. Here she comes, sir; I must fly. i Mir. I'll rattle down your china about your [Erit Petit, and DURETETE stands peepears.
ing behind the curtain. -Ori. And I'll rattle about the city to run you in debt for more.
Enter Bisarre and Maid. Mir. Your face-mending toilet shall fly out of Bis. [with a book.] Pshaw, hang books! they the window.
sour our temper, spoil our eyes, and ruin our Ori. And your face-mending periwig shall fly complexions.
[Throws away the bo after it.
Dur. Eh! The devil such a word there is in Mir. I'll tear the furbelow off your clothes; all Aristotle. and when you swoon for vexation, you shan't Bis. Come, wench; let's be free, call in the have a penny to buy a bottle of hartshorn. fiddle, there's nobody near us.
Ori. And you, sir, shall have hartshorn in abundance.
Enter Fiddler. Mir. I'll keep as many mistresses as I have | Dur. Would to the Lord there was not! coach-horses.
Bis. Here, friend, a ininuet! quicker timc; Ori. And I'll keep as many gallants as you ha! would we had a man or two! have grooms.
Dur. [Stealing away.) You shall have the Mir. I'll lie with your woman before your devil sooner, my dear dancing philosopher. face.
Bis. Uds my life !--Here's one. Ori. Have a care of your valet behind your
[Runs to Dur. und hales him back. back.
Dur. Is all my learned preparation come to · Mir. But, sweet madam, there is such a thing this ? ' as a divorce.
Bis. Come, sir, don't be ashamed, that's my Ori. But, sweet sir, there is such a thing as good boy-you're very welcome, we wanted such alimony; so divorce on, and spare not. [Erit. a one---Come, strike up---I know you dance
Mir. Ay, that separate maintenance is the well, sir, you're finely. shaped fort--Come, devil- there's their refuge-o'ny conscience, come, sir; quick, quick, you miss the time else. one would take cuckoldom for a meritorious ac Dur. But, madam, I come to talk with you. tion, because the women are so handsomely re Bis. Ay, ay, talk as you dance; talk as you warded for't!
[Erit. dance; corne.
Dur. But we were talking of Dialectics. SCENE II.-A large parlour in the same house.
Bis, Hang Dialectics---Mind the time
quicker, sirrah, [To the Fiddler.] Come- and Enter DURETETE and Petit.
how d'ye find yourself now, sir? Dur. And she's mighty peevish, you say?
Dur. In a tine breathing sweat, doctor. Pet. O sir, she has a tongue as long as my leg, Bis. All the better, patient, all the better ;and talks so crabbedly, you would think she al Come, sir; sing now, sing, I know you sing well; ways spoke Welsh,
I see you have a singing face; a heavy, dull, Dur. That's an odd language, methinks, for sonata face. her philosophy.
Dur. Who, I sing? Pet. But sometimes she will sit you half a day | Bis. O) you're modest, sir-but come, sit down, without speaking a word, and talk oracles all the closer, closer. Here, a bottle of wine-Come, while, by the wrinkles of her forehead, and the sir, fa, la, lay ; sing, sir. motions of her eye-brows.
Dur. But, ipadam, I came to talk with you. Dur. Nay, I shall match her in philosophical Bis. O sir, you shall drink first. Come, fill ogles, faith; that's my talent: I can talk best, me a bumper-here, sir, bless the king. you must know, when I say nothing.
Dur. Would I were out of his dominions Pet. But d'ye ever laugh, sir?
| By this light, she'll make me drunk, too. Dur. Laugh! Won't she endure laughing? Bis. O pardon me, sir, you shall do me right;
Pet. Why, she's a critic, sir; she hates a jest, fill it higher.-Now, sir, can you drink a health for fear it should please her; and nothing keeps under your leg? her in humour but what gives her the spleen Dur. Rare philosophy that, faith! And then for logic, and all that, you know
Bis. Come, off with it to the bottom.-Now, Dur. Ay, ay, I'm prepared; I have been prac-how d'ye like me, sir? tising hard words, and no sense, this hour to en Dur. O, mighty well, madam. tertain her.
Bis. You see how a woman's fancy varies;