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Charles, I have known so much of that sort of Lord Mor. I could never find it so the shame eating, that I now think, for an hearty meal, noor scandal of a repulse always made me afraid wild fowl in Europe is comparable to a joint of of attempting women of condition, Banstead mutton.
Sir Cha, Ha, ha! egad, my lord, you deserve Lord Mor. How do you mean?
to be ill used; your modesty's enough to spoil Lord Fop. Why that, for my part, I had ra- any woman in the world. But my lord and I unther have a plain slice of my wife's woman, than derstand the sex a little better; we see plainly, my guts full of e'er an Ortolan dutchess in Chris that women are only cold, as some men are brave, tendom,
from the modesty or fear of those that attack Lord Mor. But, I thought, my lord, your chief | them. business now at Windsor had been your design Lord Fop, Right, Charles-a man should no upon a woman of quality.
more give up his heart to a woman, than his * Lord Fop. That's true, my lord; though I don't sword to a bully; they are both as insolent as the think your fine lady the best dish myself, yet a devil after it. man of quality can't be without such things at Sir Cha. How do you like that, my lord ? his table.
[Aside to LORD MORELOVE. Lord Mor. Oh, then, you only desire the re- Lord Mor. Faith, I envy him ! But, my lord, putation of an affair with her?
suppose your inclination should stumble upon a Lord Fop. I think the reputation is the most woinan truly virtuous, would not a severe repulse inviting part of an amour with most women of from such an one put you strangely out of counquality.
tenance? Lord Mor. Why so, my lord ?
Lord Fop. Not at all, my lord--for, if a man Lord Fop. Why, who the devil would run don't mind a box o' the ear in a fair struggle with through all the degrees of form and ceremony, a fresh country girl, why the deuce should he be that lead one up to the last favour, if it were not concerned at an impertinent frown for an attack for the reputation of understanding the nearest | upon a woman of quality? way to get over the difficulty?
| Lord Mor. Then, you have no notion of a Lord Mor. But, my lord, does not the repu- | lady's cruelty? tation of your being so general an undertaker Lord Fop. Ha, ha ! let me blood, if I think frighten the women from engaging with you? there's a greater jest in nature! I am ready to For, they say, no man can love but one at a crack my guts with laughing, to see a senseless time.
flirt, because the creature happens to have a litLord Fop. That's just one more than ever Itle pride, that she calls virtue, about her, give came up to: for, stop my breath, if ever I loved herself all the insolent airs of resentment and in my life!
disdain to an honest fellow, that, all the while, Lord Mor. How do you get them, then ? does not care three pinches of snuff if she and
Lord Fop. Why, sometimes, as they get other her virtue were to run, with their last favours, people : I dress, and let them get me; or, if through the first regiment of guards!-Ha, ha! that won't do, as I got my title, I buy them. I it puts me in mind of an affair of mine, so im
Lord Mor. But, how can you, that profess pertinent ! indifference, think it worth your while to come Lord Mor. Oh, that's impossible, my lord so often up to the price of a woman of quality? | Pray, let's hear it,
Lord Fop. Because, you must know, my lord, Lord Fop. Why, I happened once to be very that most of them begin, now, to come down to well in a certain man of quality's family, and his reason; I mean those that are to be had; for wife liked me! some die fools: but, with the wiser sort, 'tis not, Lord Mor. How do you know she liked you? of late, so very expensive; now and then, a par | Lord Fop. Why, from the very moment I told tie quarré, a jaunt or two in a hack to an Indian her I liked her, she never durst trust herself at house, a little china, an odd thing for a gown, the end of a room with me. or so; and, in three days after, you meet her at Lord Mör. That might be her not liking you. the conveniency of trying it chez Mademoiselle | Lord Fop. My lord-Women of quality don't ď Epingle.
use to speak the thing plain-but, to satisfy you Sir Cha. Aye, aye, my lord ; and when you I did not want encouragement, I never came are there, you know, what between a little chat, there in my life, but she did immediately smile, a dish of tea, mademoiselle's good humour, and and borrow my snuff-box. a petit chanson or two, the devil's in't if a man Lord Mor. She liked your snuff, at least-Well, can't fool away the time, 'till he sees how it looks but how did she use you? upon her by candle-light.
Lord Fop. By all that's infamous, she jilted Lord Fop. Heh! heh! well said, Charles; egad, me! I fancy thee and I have uplaced many a reputa Lord Mor. How! Jilt you ? tion there ! Your great lady is as soon un Lord Fop. Ay, death's curse, she jilted me! dressed as her woman
Lord Mor, Pray, let's hear.
Lord Fop. For, when I was pretty well con- | up the sash, and fell a singing out of the window vinced she had a mind to me, I one day made so that, you see, my lord, while a man is her a hint of an appointment: upon which, with not in love, there's no great affliction in missing an insolent frown in her face (that made her look one's way to a woman. as ugly as the devil, she told me, that, if ever I Sir Cha. Aye, aye, you talk this very well, my came thither again, her lord should know that lord; but, now, let's see how you dare behave she had forbidden me the house before.--Did yourself upon action-dinner's served, and the you ever hear of such a slut?
ladies stay for us—There's one within, has been Sir Cha. Intolerable!
too hard for as brisk a man as yourself. Lord Mor. But, how did her answer agree Lord Mor. I guess who you mean-Have a with you?
care, my lord; she'll prove your courage for you. Lord Fop. Oh, passionately well! for I stared Lord Fop. Will she? then she's an undone full in her face, and burst out a laughing; at creature. For, let me tell you, gentlemen, couwhich, she turned upon ber heel, and gave a rage is the whole mystery of making love, and of crack with her fan, like a coach-whip, and bridled more use than conduct is in war; for the bravest out of the room with the air and complexion of fellow in Europe may beat his brains out against an incensed Turkey-cock.
the stubborn walls of a town--But (A servant whispers SIR CHARLES. - Women, born to be controlled, Lord Mor. What did you, then ?
Stoop to the forward, and the bold. (Exeunt. Lord Fop. I--looked after her, gaped, threw |
| est woman in the world, too: for, she'll certain
ly encourage the least offer from me, in hopes of Enter LORD MORELOVE, and Sir CHARLES.
| revenging her slights upon you. Lord Mor. So ! Did not I bear up bravely? Sir Cha. Right; and the very encouragement
Sir Cha. Admirably! with the best bred inso- she gives you, at the same time, will give me a lence in nature; you insulted like a woman of pretence to widen the breach of my quarrel with quality, when her country-bred husband's jealous | her. of her in the wrong place.
Lord Mor. Besides, Charles, I own I am fond Lord Mor. Ha, ha! Did you observe, when of any attempt that will forward a misunderstandI first came into the rooin, how carelessly she ing there, for your lady's sake. A woman, so truly brushed her eyes over me; and, when the com good in her nature, ought to have something pany saluted me, stood all the while with her more from a man, than bare occasions to prove face to the window? ha, ha!
her goodness. Sir Cha. What astonished airs she gave her Sir Cha. Why, then, upon honour, my lord, self, when you asked her, what made her so to give you proof that I am positively the best grave upon her old friends!
husband in the world, my wife never yet found Lord Mor. And, whenever I offered any me out. thing in talk, what affected care she took to di Lord Mor. That may be, by her being the best rect her observations of it to a third person ! wife in the world : she, may be, won't find you
Sir Cha. I observed she did not eat above the out. rump of a pigeon all dinner time.
Sir Cha. Nay, if she won't tell a man of his Lord Mor. And how she coloured when I faults, when she sees them, how the deuce should told her her ladyship had lost her stomach! he mend them? But, however, you see I am go
Sir Cha. If you keep your temper, she's un-ing to leave them off as fast as I can. done,
Lord Mor. Being tired of a woman, is, indeed, Lord Mor. Provided she sticks to her pride, a pretty tolerable assurance of a man's not deI believe I may.
signing to fool on with her- Here she comes; Sir Cha. Aye ! never fear her; I warrant, in and, if I don't mistake, brimful of reproaches the humnour she is in, she would as soon part | You can't take her in a better time I'll leave with her sense of feeling.
you. Lord Mor. Well, what's to be done next? Sir Cha. Only observe her motions : for, by
Enter Lady GRAVEAIRS. her behaviour at dinner, I am sure she designs Your ladyship's most humble servant. Is the to gall you with my lord Foppington : if so, you company broke up, pray? must even stand her fire, and then play my lady Lady Grave. No, my lord, they are talking of Graveairs upon her, whom I'll immediately pique, basset; my lord Foppington has a mind to tally, and prepare for your purpose.
if your lordship would encourage the table. Lord Mor. I understand you the proper- Lord Mor. Oh, madam, with all my heart! But, sir Charles, I know, is hard to be got to it: a woman's pride, that is strong enough to refuse I'll leave your ladyship to prevail with him. a man her favours, when he's weary of them
. Erit Lord MORELOVE. | Ah! [SIR CHARLES and Lady GRAVEAIRS salute coldly, and trifle some time before they
Re-enter LADY GRAVEAIRS. speak.
Lady Grave. Look you, sir Charles ; don't Lady Grave. Sir Charles, I sent you a note presume upon the easiness of my temper; for, to this morning.
convince you that I am positively in earnest in Sir Cha. Yes, madam; but there were some this matter, I desire you would let me have what passages I did not expect from your ladyship. You letters you have had of mine since you came to seein to tax me with things that
Windsor; and I expect you'll return the rest, as Lady Grave. Look you, sir, 'tis not at all ma- I will yours, as soon as we come to London. terial' whether I taxed you with any thing or no; Sir Cha. Upon my faith, madam, I never keep I don't desire you to clear yourself; upon my any; I always put snuff in them, and so they word, you may be very easy as to that matter; / wear out. for my part, I am mighty' well satisfied things Lady Grave. Sir Charles, I must have them; are as they are; all I have to say to you is, that for, positively, I won't stir without them. you need not give yourself the trouble to call at Sir Cha. Ha! then, I. must be civil, I see. my lodgings this afternoon, if you should have [Aside.] Perhaps, madam, I have no mind to time, as you were pleased to send me word-and part with them or you so, your servant, sir, that's all — [Going. Lady Grave. Look you, sir, all those sort of Sir Cha. Hold, madam.
things are in vain, now there's an end of every Lady Grave. Look you, sir Charles, 'tis not thing between us—If you say you won't give your calling me back that will signify any thing, them, I must e'en get them as well as I can. I can assure you.
Sir Cha. Ha! that won't do then, I find. Sir Cha. Why this extraordinary haste, madam? |
(Aside. Lady Grave. In short, sir Charles, I have Lady Grade. Who's there? Mrs Edgingtaken a great many things from you of late, that, Your keeping a letter, sır, won't keep me, I'll you know, I have often told you, I would posi- | assure you. tively bear no longer. But, I see things are in vain, and the more people strive to oblige peo
Enter EDGING. ple, the less they are thanked for it: and, since Edy. Did your ladyship call me, madam? there must be an end of one's ridiculousness one Lady Grave. Ay, child: pray, do me the fatime or other, I don't see any time so proper as vour to fetch my cloak out of the dining-room? the present; and, therefore, sir, I desire you would think of things accordingly. Your servant. Sir Cha. Oh, then there's hope again. [Aside.
[Going, he holds her. | Edg. Ha! she looks as if my master had quarSir Cha. Nay, madam, let us start fair, how- relled with her; I hope she's going away in a ever; you ought, at least, to stay till I am as ready huff-she shan't stay for her cloak, I warrant as your ladyship; and, then, if we must part, her- This is pure. [Aside. Erit smiling. Adieu, ye silent grots, and shady groves;
Lady Grave. Pray, sir Charles, before I go, Ye soft amusements of our growing loves; give ine leave now, after all, to ask you—why Adieu, ye whispered sighs, that fanned the fire, you have used me thus ? And all the thrilling joys of young desire! "Sir Cha. What is it you call usage, madam ?
[Affectedly. Lady Grave. Why, then, since you will have Lady Grave. Oh, mighty well, sir! I am very it, how comes it you have been so grossly care glad we are at last come to a right understanding, less and neglectful of me of late? Only tell me, the only way I have long wished for; not but I'd seriously, wherein I have deserved this? have you to know I see your design through all Sir Cha. Why, then, seriously, madamyour painted ease of resignation : I know you'd | Re-enter EDGING, with a cloak. give your soul to make me uneasy now.
Sir Cha. Oh, fie, madam! upon my word, I We are interruptedwould not make you uneasy, if it were in my Edg. Here is your ladyship's cloak, madam. power.
Lady Grave. Thank you, Mrs Edging-Oh, Lady Grave. Oh, dear sir, you need not take la! pray will you let somebody get me a chair such care, upon my word; you'll find I can part to the door? with you without the least disorder; I'll try, at Edg. Humph-She might have told me that least; and so, once more, and for ever, sir, your before, if she had been in such haste to go. servant: not but you must give me leave to tell you, as my last thought of you, too, that I do! Lady Grave. Now, sir. think- you are a villain. [Erit hastily. Sir Cha. Then, seriously, I say I am of late
Sir Cha. Oh, your very humble servant, ma- | grown so very lazy in my pleasures, that I had dam! [Bowing low.] What a charming quality is rather lose a woman, than go through the plague
and trouble of having or keeping her; and, to have me love you better and longer, which is not be free, I have found so much, even in my ac- in my power to do; and I don't think there is quaintance with you, whom I confess to be a any plague upon earth, like a dun that comes mistress in the art of pleasing, that I am, from for more money than one is ever likely to be able henceforth, resolved to follow no pleasure that | to pay. rises above the degree of amusement-And that Lady Grade. A dun! Do you take me for a woman that expects I should make her my busi- dun, sir? Do I come a dunning to you? ness, why-like my business, is then in a fair
[Walks in a heat, way of being forgot. When once she comes to Sir Cha. Hist! don't expose yourself-here's reproach me with vows, and usage, and stuff--I company-had as lief hear her talk of bills, bonds, and Lady Grade. I care not-A dun! you shall ejectments: her passion becomes as troublesome see, sir, I can revenge an affront, though I deas a law-suit, and I would as soon converse with spise the wretch that offers it------A dun! Oh, I my solicitor. In short, I shall never care sixpence could die with laughing at the fancy! (Erit. for any woman that won't be obedient.
Sir Cha. So---she's in admirable order----Here Lady Grade. I'll swear, sir, you have a very comes my lord; and, I'ın afraid, in the very nick free way of treating people; I am glad I am so l of his occasion for her. well acquainted with your principles, however---And you would have me obedient?
Enter Lord Morelove. Sir Cha. Why not? My wife's so; and, Il Lord Mor. Oh, Charles, undone again ! all is think, she has as much pretence to he proud as lost and ruined. your ladyship.
Sir Cha. What's the matter now? Lady Grave. Lard ! is there no chair to be Lord Mor. I have been playing the fool yonhad, I wonder?
der, even to contempt; my senseless jealousy has
confessed a weakness I never shall forgive myEnter EDGING.
self. She has insulted on it to that degree, too-Edg. Here's a chair, madam.
I can't bear the thought-----Oh, Charles, this deLady Grave, 'Tis very well, Mrs Edging: vil is mistress of my heart! and I could dash my pray, will you let somebody get me a glass of brains out to think how grossly too I have let her fair water?
know it. Edg. Humph-her huff is almost over, I sup Sir Cha. Ah, how it would tickle her if she pose I see he's a villain still. [Aside. Erit. saw you in this condition! ha, ha, ha!
Lady Grave. Well, that was the prettiest Lord Mor. Prithee don't torture me: think fancy about obedience, sure, that ever was. Cer- of some present ease, or I shall burst. tainly, a woman of condition must be infinitely Sir Cha. Well, well; let's hear, pray-What happy under the dominion of so generous a lover, has she done to you? Ha, ha! But how came you to forget kicking and whipping Lord Mor. Why, ever since I left you, she all this while? Methinks, you should not have has treated me with so much coolness and ill left so fashionable an article out of your scheme nature, and that thing of a lord, with so much of government.
laughing ease, such an acquainted, such a spiteful Sir Cha. Um- No, there is too much trou- familiarity, that, at the last, she saw and trible in that ; though I have known them of ad umphed in my uneasiness. ipirable use in reformation of some humoursome Sir Cha. Well, and so you left the room in a gentlewomen.
pet? Ha! Lady Grave. But one thing more, and I have Lord Mor. Oh, worse, worse still! for, at last, done- Pray, what degree of spirit must the with half shame and anger in my looks, I thrust lady have, that is to make herself happy under myself between my lord and her, pressed her by so much freedom, order, and tranquillity? the hand, and, in a whisper, trembling, begged
Sir Cha. Oh, she must at least have as much her, in pity of herself and me, to shew her good spirit as your ladyship, or she'd give me no plea humour, only where she knew it was truly sure in breaking it.
valued : at which, she broke from me, with a Lady Grave. No, that would be troublesome. cold smile, sat her down by the peer, whispered You had better take one that's broken to your him, and burst into a loud laughter in my face.. hand : there are such souls to be hired, I be- Sir Cha. Ha, ha! then would I have given lieve; things that will rub your temples in an fifty pounds to have seen your face. Why, what evening, till you fall fast asleep in their laps; in the name of common sense had you to do creatures, too, that think their wages their reward. with humility? Will you never have enough on't? I fancy, at last, that will be the best method for Death ! 'twas setting a lighted match to gunpowthe lazy passion of a married man, that has out- der, to blow yourself up. lived his any other sense of gratification.
Lord Mor. I see my folly now, Charles. But Sir Cha. Look you, madain; I have loved what shall I do with the remains of life that she you very well a great while; now you would has left me?
Sir Cha. Oh, throw it at her feet, by all 1 Sir Cha. Nothing so plain, my lord. means ! put on your tragedy-face, catch fast hold | Lord Fop. Flattering devil ! of her petticoat, whip out your handkerchief, and, in point blank verse, desire her, one way or
Enter Lady Betty. other, to make an end of the business.
Lady Bet. Pshaw, my lord Foppington ! pri[In a whining tone. | thee, don't play the fool now, but give me iny Lord Mor. What a fool dost thou make me! snuff-box-Sir Charles, help me to take it from
Sir Cha. I only can shew you as you came him. out of her hands, my lord.
Sir Cha. You know I hate trouble, madam. Lord Mor, How contemptibly have I behaved Lady Bet. Pooh! you'll make me stay till myself!
prayers are half over now. Sir Cha. That's according as you bear her be Lord Fop. If you'll promise me not to go to haviour.
church, I'll give it you. Lord Mor. Bear it! no I thank thee, Charles; I Lady Bet. I'll promise nothing at all; for pothou hast waked me now: and, if I bear it- sitively, I will have it. (Struggling with him. What have you done with my lady Graveairs ? Lord Fop. Then, comparatively, I won't part Sir Cha. Your business, I believe- She's with it. Ha, ha!
[Struggles with her. ready for you; she's just gone down stairs, and, Lady Bet. Oh, you devil, you have killed my if you don't make haste after her, I expect her arm! Oh! Well, if you'll let me have it, I'll back again, with a knife or a pistol presently give you a better. Lord Mor. I'll go this minute.
Lörd Mor, Oh, Charles! that has a view of Sir Cha. No, stay a little: here comes my distant kindness in it. Aside to Sir CHARLES. lord; we'll see what we can get out of him first. Lord Fop. Nay, now, I keep it superlatively Lord Mor. Methinks, now, I could laugh at I find there's a secret value in it.
Lady Bet, Oh, dismal ! Upon my word, I am
only ashamed to give it to you. Do you think Enter Lord FOPPINGTON.
I would offer such an odious fancied thing to any Lord Fop. Nay, prithee, Sir Charles, let's have body I had the least value for? a little of thee- We have been so chagrin Sir Cha. Now it comes a little nearer, mewithout thee, that, stop my breath, the ladies are thinks it does not seem to be any kindness at all. gone half asleep to church for want of thy com
(Aside to LORD MORELOVE. pany.
Lord Fop. Why, reallv, madam, upon second Sir Cha. That's hard, indeed, while your lord- view, it has not extremely the mode of a lady's ship was among them. Is lady Betty gone, too? utensil. Are you sure it never held any thing but
Lord Fop. She was just upon the wing; but I snuff? caught her by the snuff-box, and she pretends to Lady Bet. Oh, you monster! stay, to see if I'll give it her again, or no.
Lord Fop. Nay, I only ask, because it seems Lord Mor. Death ! 'tis that I gave her, and to me to have very much the air and fancy of the only present she would ever receive froin me Monsieur Smoakandsot's tobacco-box. Ask him I ow he came by it.
Lord More. I can bear no more. [Aside to Sir Charles. Sir Cha. Why, don't, then; I'll step in to the Sir Cha. Prithee don't be uneasy- Did she company, and return to your relief immediately. give it you, my lord ?
[Erit Sie Cia. Lord For. Faith, Charles, I can't say she did, Lord More. (To LADY BET.] Come, madam. or she did not; but we were playing the fool, will your ladyship give me leave to end the difand I took it-mà la-Pshaw! I can't tell thee ference? Since the slightness of the thing may let in French neither; but Horace touches it to a you bestow it without any mark of favour, shall I nicety-'twas pignus direptum malè pertinaci. I beg it of your ladyship.
Lord Mor. So—but I must bear it If your Lady Bet. Oh, my lord, nobody sooneri lordship has a mind to the box, I'll stand by you beg you give it, my lord. [Looking earnestly on in keeping of it.
| LORD FOP, who, smiling, gives it to LORD MORE. Lord Fop. My lord, I am passionately obliged and then bows gravely to her.] to you; but I am afraid I cannot answer your Lord More. Only to have the honour of restohazarding so much of the lady's favour.
| ring it to your lordship; and if there be any other Lord Mor. Not at all, my lord : 'tis possible I trifle of mine your lordship has a fancy to, though may not have the same regard to her frown that it were a mistrsss, I don't know any person in your lordship has.
the world that has so good a claim to my resignaLord Fop. That's a bite, I am sure--he'd give tion. a joint of his little finger to be as well with her Lord Fop. Oh, my lord, this generosity will as I am. [ Aside.] But here she comes-Charles, distract me! stand by mc- Must not a man be a vain coxo Lord More. My lord, I do you but common comb, now, to think this creature followed one? justice. But, from your conversation, I had ne