Well. How now, Thomas, is my brother Kitely within?

Cash. No, sir; my master went forth e'en now; but master Downright is within. Cob! what, Cob! Is he gone too?

Well. Whither went your master, Thomas, can'st thou tell?

Cash. I know not; to Justice Clement's, I [Exit Cash.

I told

Thomas,

you of.

Cash. No, sir, I do suppose it.

Kite. Believe me, it is not.
Cash. Sir, I do believe you.

Kite. By Heaven! it is not, that's enough.
But, Thomas,

I would not you should utter it, do you see,
To any creature living; yet I care not.
Well, I must hence. Thomas, conceive thus
much;

It was a trial of you, when I meant
So deep a secret to you: I mean not this,
But that I have to tell you. This is nothing, this.
But, Thomas, keep this from my wife, I charge you.
Locked up in silence, midnight, buried here—
No greater hell than to be slave to fear. [Exit.
Cash. Locked up in silence, midnight, buried
here!

Whence should this flood of passion, trow, take head? ha!

Best dream no longer of this running humour,
For fear I sink! the violence of the stream
Already hath transported me so far,

That I can feel no ground at all! But soft, Here is company: now must I

Enter WELL-BRED, EDW. KNO'WELL,

[Exit. BRAIN

WORM, BOBADIL, STEPHEN. Well. Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedingly well carried.

E. Kno. Ay, and our ignorance maintained it as well, did it not?

Well. Yes, faith! but was it possible thou should'st not know him? I forgive Master Stephen, for he is stupidity itself.

E. Kno. 'Fore Heaven, not I. He had so - written himself into the habit of one of your poor infantry, your decayed, ruinous, worm-eaten gentlemen of the round.

Well. Why, Brain-worm, who would have thought thou had'st been such an artificer?

E. Kno. An artificer! an architect! Except a man had studied begging all his life-time, and been a weaver of language from his infancy, for the clothing of it-I never saw his rival.

Well. Where got'st thou this coat, I marvel! Brain. Of a Houndsditch man, sir, one of the devil's near kinsmen, a broker.

Enter CASH.

Cash. Francis! Martin! ne'er a one to be found now? What a spite's this?

E. Kno. Justice Clement! What's he? Well. Why, dost thou not know him? He is a city magistrate, a justice here; an excellent good lawyer, and a great scholar; but the only mad and merry old fellow in Europe! I shewed you him the other day.

E. Know. Oh, is that he? I remember him now. Good faith! and he has a very strange presence, methinks; it shews as if he stood out of the rank from other men. I have heard many of his jests in the university. They say, he will commit a man for taking the wall of his horse.

Well. Ay, or wearing his cloak on one shoulder, or serving of God. Any thing, indeed, if it come in the way of his humour. Enter CASH.

Cash. Gasper, Martin, Cob! 'Heart! where should they be, trow?

Bob. Master Kitely's man, prithee vouchsafe us the lighting of this match.

Cash. Fire on your match, no time but now to vouchsafe! [Aside.] Francis! Cob!

Bob, Body of me! Here's the remainder of seven pound since yesterday was seven-night. It is your right Trinidado! Did you never take any, Master Stephen?

Step. No, truly, sir! but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it so.

Bob. Sir, believe me, upon my relation; for what I tell you, the world shall not reprove. I have been in the Indies, where this herb grows, where neither myself, nor a dozen gentlemen more, of my knowledge, have received the taste of any other nutriment in the world, for the space of one and twenty weeks, but the fume of this simple only. Therefore, it cannot be, but 'tis most divine, especially your Trinidado. Your Nicotian is good too. I do hold it, and will affirm it before any prince in Europe, to be the most sovereign and precious weed, that ever the earth tendered to the use of man.

E. Know. This speech would have done decently in a tobacco-trader's mouth.

or felicity they have in taking this roguish tobacco! it is good for nothing but to choke a man, and to fill him full of smoke and embers.

[BOBADIL beats him with a cudgel, MAT

THEW runs away.

All. Oh, good captain! hold! hold! Bob. You base scullion, you. Cash. Come, thou must need be talking too; thou'rt well enough served.

Cob. Well, it shall be a dear beating; an' I live, I will have justice for this.

Bob. Do you prate? Do you murmur? [BOBADIL beats him off. E. Kno. Nay, good captain, will you regard the humour of a fool?

Bob. A whoreson filthy slave, a dung-worm, an excrement! Body o' Cæsar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd have stabbed him to the earth.

Well. Marry, the law forbid, sir.

Bob. By Pharaoh's foot, I would have done it. [Exit. Step. Oh, he swears admirably! By Pharaoh's foot, body of Cæsar! I shall never do it, sure; upon mine honour, and by St George! no, I have not the right grace.

Well. But soft, where is Mr Matthew? gone! Brain. No, sir; they went in here. Well. O, let us follow them: Master Matthew is gone to salute his mistress in verse. We shall have the happiness to hear some of his poetry now. He never comes unfurnished. Brain-worm! Step. Brain-worm? Where is this Brainworm? E. Kno. Ay, cousin, no words of it, upon your gentility.

Step. Not I, body of me! by this air, St George, and the foot of Pharaoh !

Well. Rare! your cousin's discourse is simply drawn out with oaths.

E. Kno. Tis larded with them. A kind of French dressing, if you love it. Come, let us in. Come, cousin. [Exeunt.

SCENE III-A hall in Justice CLEMENT'S house.

Enter KITELY and COB.

Kite. Ha! How many are there, say'st thou? Cob. Marry, sir, your brother, Master Wellbred

Kite. Tut, beside him: what strangers are there, man?

Cob. Strangers! let me see; one, two-mass, I know not well, there are so many. Kite. How, so many!

Cob. Ay, there is some five or six of them, at the most.

Kite. A swarm, a swarm!

Spite of the devil! how they sting my head
With forked stings, thus wide and large! But
Cob,

How long hast thou been coming hither, Cob?
Cob. A little while, sir.

Kite. Didst thou come running?

Cob. No, sir.

Kite. Nay, then I am familiar with thy haste! Bane to my fortunes! What meant I to marry? I, that before was ranked in such content, My mind at rest too in so soft a peace, Being free master of my own free thoughts, And now become a slave? What, never sigh! Be of good cheer, man, for thou art a cuckold. 'Tis done, 'tis done! Nay, when such flowing

store,

Plenty, itself, falls into my wife's lap,
The cornucopia will be mine, I know. But,
Cob,

What entertainment had they? I am sure
My sister and my wife would bid them welcome!
Ha!

Cob. Like enough, sir; yet I heard not a word

of it.

Kite. No; their lips were sealed with kisses and the voice,

Drowned in a flood of joy at their arrival,
Had lost her motion, state, and faculty.
Cob, which of them was't that first kissed my
wife?

My sister, I should say, my wife, alas!
I fear not her. Ha! Who was it, say'st thou?
Cob. By my troth, sir, will you have the truth
of it?

Kite. Ay, good Cob, I pray thee heartily.

Cob. Then I am a vagabond, and fitter for Bridewell than your worship's company, if I saw any body to be kissed, unless they would have kissed the post in the middle of the warehouse; for there I left them all, at their tobacco, with a pox!

Kite. How! were they not gone in then, ere thou cam'st?

Cob. O, no, sir!

Kite. Spite of the devil! What do I stay here then? Cob, follow me.

Exit.

Cob. Nay, soft and fair, I have eggs on the spit. Now am I, for some five and fifty reasons, hammering, hammering revenge! Nay, an' he had not lain in my house, 'twould never have grieved me; but, being my guest, one that, I'll be sworn, I loved and trusted; and he, to turn monster of ingratitude, and strike his lawful host! Well, I hope to raise up an host of fury for it. I'll to justice Clement for a warrant. Strike his lawful host!

[Exit.

SCENE I-A room in KITELY's house.

Enter DOWNRIGHT and Dame KITELY. Down. WELL, sister, I tell you true; and you will find it so, in the end.

Dame. Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help it. You see my brother brings them in here; they are his friends.

Down. His friends! his friends! 'Slud they do nothing but haunt him up and down, like a sort of unlucky spirit, and tempt him to all manner of villany, that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little thing would make me play the devil with some of them. An' 'twere not more for your husband's sake, than any thing else, I'd make the house too hot for the best of them. They should say, and swear, hell were broken loose, ere they went hence. But, by God's will, 'tis nobody's fault but yours; for an' you had done as you might have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked too, every mother's son, ere they should ha' come in e'er a one of them.

Dame. God's my life! did you ever hear the like? What a strange man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the patient'st body in the world to hear you talk so without any sense or reason! Enter Mrs BRIDGET, Master MATTHEW, WELLBRED, STEPHEN, EDWARD KNO'WELL, BOBADIL, and CASH.

Bridget. Servant, in troth, you are too prodi-
gal

Of your wit's treasure, thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth.

Mat. You say well, mistress; and I mean as well.

Dow. Hey-day, here is stuff!

Well. O, now stand close. Pray Heaven she can get him to read; he should do it of his own natural impudence.

Bridg. Servant, what is this same, I pray you? Mat. Marry, an elegy! an elegy! an odd -I'll read it, if you please.

Bridg. Pray you do, servant.

toy

Dow. O, here's no foppery! Death! I can endure the stocks better.

E. Kno. What ails thy brother? Can he not bear the reading of a ballad?

Well. O, no; a rhime to him is worse than cheese, or a bag-pipe. But, mark, you lose the protestation.

Bob. Master Matthew, you abuse the expectation of your dear mistress, and her fair sister. Fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity.

Mat. I shall, sir.

Rare creature, let me speak without offence, Would Heaven my rude words had the influence VOL. II.

To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine, Then shouldst thou be his prisoner, who is thine. [Master STEPHEN answers with shaking his head.]

E. Kno. 'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an' there be any brain in it!

Well. Sister, what ha' you here? Verses?— Pray you, let us see. Who made these verses es? They are excellent good.

Mat. O, Master Well-bred, 'tis your disposition to say so, sir. They were good in the morning; I made them extempore this morning. Well. How, extempore !

Mat. I would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadil. He saw me write them at the -(pox on it) the Star yonder.

Step. Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?

E. Kno. O, admirable! the best that ever I heard, coz!

Step. Body of Cæsar! they are admirable! The best, that ever I heard, as I am a soldier. Dow. I am vext! I can hold ne'er a bone of me still! Heart, I think they mean to build and breed here.

Well. Sister Kitely, I marvel you get you not a servant, that can rhime, and do tricks too.

Dow. Oh, monster! Impudence itself, tricks! Somewhere else, and not here, I wuss. Come, you might practise your ruffian tricks This is no tavern, nor drinking-school, to vent your exploits in.

Well. How now! whose cow has calved? Dow. Marry, that has mine, sir. Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter; I will tell you of it; aye, sir, you and your companions; mend yourselves when I ha' done.

Well. My companions!

I

Dow. Yes, sir, your companions, so I say: am not afraid of you nor them neither, your hangbys here. You must have your poets, and your potlings, your soldados and foolados, to follow you up and down the city, and here they must come to domineer and swagger. Sirrah, you lad-singer; and Slops, your fellow there, get you out; get you home; or, by this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and that presently.

bal

Well. 'Slight, stay, let us see what he dare do. Cut off his ears! cut a whetstone. You are an ass, do you see; touch any man here, and by this hand, I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you. Dow. Yea, that would I fain see, boy.

[They all draw, and they of the house make out to part them.]

Dame. O, Jesu! murder! Thomas, Gasper! Bridg. Help, help, Thomas.

E. Kno. Gentlemen, forbear, I pray you. Bob. Well, sirrah! you Holofernes! by my hand, I will pink your flesh full of holes with my

C

rapier, for this; I will, by this good Heaven.Nay, let him come, gentlemen, by the body of St George, I'll not kill him.

[They offer to fight again, and are parted. Cash. Hold, hold, good gentlemen. Dow. You whoreson, bragging coistril !

Enter KITELY,

Kite. Why, how now, what's the matter? What's the stir here?

Put up your weapons, and put off this rage. My wife and sister, they're the cause of this. What, Thomas! where is the knave?

Cash. Here, sir.

Well. Come, let us go; this is one of my brother's ancient humours, this. [Exit. Step. I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour. [Exit. Kite. Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?

Dow. A sort of lewd rake-hells, that care neither for God nor the devil, And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery, and trash! I'll mar the knot of them ere I sleep, perhaps; especially Bob there: he that is all manner of shapes; and songs and sonnets, his fellow. But I'll follow them. [Exit.

Bridg. Brother, indeed you are too violent, Too sudden in your humour. There was one a civil gentleman, And very worthily demeaned himself.

Kite. O, that was some love of yours, sister. Bridg. A love of mine! I would it were no worse, brother! You'd pay my portion sooner than you think for. [Exit. Dame. Indeed, he seemed to be a gentleman of exceeding fair disposition, and of very excellent good parts. What a coil and stir is here!

[Exit.

Kite. Her love, by Heaven! my wife's minion!

Death, these phrases are intolerable!

Well, well, well, well, well, well!

It is too plain, too clear. Thomas, come hither. What, are they gone?

Cash. Ay, sir, they went in.

My mistress, and your sister

Kite. Are any of the gallants within?
Cash, No, sir, they are all gone.

Kite. Art thou sure of it?

Cash. I can assure you, sir.

Kite. What gentleman was it that they praised so, Thomas?

Cash. One, they call him Master Kno'well, a handsome young gentleman, sir.

Kite. Aye, I thought so. My mind gave me as much.

I'll die but they have hid him in the house Somewhere; I will go and search. Go with me, Thomas,

Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-Moorfields.

Enter E. KNO'WELL, WELL-BRED, and BRAIN

WORM.

E. Kno. Well, Brain-worm, perform this business happily, and thou makest a purchase of my love for ever.

Well. In faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties; but at my hand, remember the message to my brother; for there is no other means to start him out of his house.

Brain. I warrant you, sir, fear nothing. I have a nimble soul has waked all forces of my phantasy by this time, and put them in true motion. What you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make it no question.

[Exit.

Well. Forth, and prosper, Brain-worm. Faith, Ned, how dost thou approve of my abilities in this device?

E. Kno. Troth, well, howsoever but it will come excellent, if it take.

Well. Take, man! Why, it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances miscarry not. But tell me ingenuously, dost thou affect my sister Bridget as thou pretendest ?

E. Kno. Friend, am I worth belief?

Well. Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of good ornament, and much modesty; and except I conceived very worthily of her, thou should'st not have her.

E. Kno. Nay, that, I am afraid, will be a question yet, whether I shall have her or no. Well. 'Slid thou shalt have her; by this light, thou shalt.

E. Kno. Nay, do not swear.

Well. By this hand, thou shalt have her. I will go fetch her presently. Point but where to meet, and, as I am an honest man, I will bring her.

E. Kno. Hold, hold, be temperate. Well. Why, by - what shall I swear by? thou shalt have her, as I am

E. Kno. Pray thee, be at peace; I am satisfied; and do believe thou wilt omit no offered occasion to make my desires complete.

Well. Thou shalt see, and know I will not.

Enter FORMAL and KNO'WELL.

[Exeunt.