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have done by this time I know not; but Petulant Mill. Me! and he were upon quarrelling as I came by. Pet. If I have the humour to quarrel, I can
Mill. Well, if Mirabell should not make a make less matters conclude premises--if you are good husband, I am a lost thing; for I find I love not handsome, what then, if I have a humour to him violently,
it? If I shall have my reward, say so; if Mrs Fain. So it seems ; for you mind not what not, fight for your face the next time yourself. is said to you. If you doubt him, you had bet- I'll go sleep. ter take up with sir Wilfull.
Wit. Do, wrap thyself up like a woodlouse, Mill. How can you name that superannuated and dream revenge---and, hear me, if thou canst lubber? foh!
learn to write by to-morrow morning, pen me a Enter WITWOULD from drinking.
challenge; I'll carry it for thee !
Pet. Carry your mistress's monkey a spider ! Mrs Fain. So ! is the fray made up, that you go flea dogs, and read romances !-I'll go to berl. have left them?
[Exit PETULANT. Wit. Left them? I could stay no longer Mrs Fain. He's horridly drunk how came have laughed like ten christenings- I am tipsy you all in this pickle? with laughing—If I had staid any longer I should Wit. A plot, a plot, to get rid of the knight! have burst-I must have been let out, and pier-Your husband's advice ; but he sneaked off. ced in the sides like an unsized camlet Yes, yes, the fray is composed; my lady came in like
Enter Sir Wilfull drunk, and LADY WISHa noli prosequi, and stopt the proceedings. Mill. What was the dispute ?
Lady Wish. Out upon’t, out upon't! at years Wit. That's the jest ; there was no dispute. of discretion, and comport yourself at this ranThey could neither of them speak for rage; and tipole rate! so fell a sputtering at one another, like two roas Sir Wil. No offence, aunt. ting apples.
Lady Wish. Offence ! as I'm a person, I'ın
ashamed of you—fogh! how you stink of wine ! Enter PETULANT drunk.
d'ye think my niece will ever endure such a boNow, Petulant? all's over, all's well? gad, my rachio? You're an absolute borachio. head begins to whim it atout—why dost thou not Sir Wil. Borachio! speak? thou art both as drunk and as mute as a Lady Wish. At a time when you should comfish.
mence an amour, and put your best foot forePet. Look you, Mrs Millamant-if you can Jove me, dear nymph--say it--and that's the con Sir Wil. 'Sheart, an you grudge me your liquor, clusion--pass on, or pass off--that's all.
make a bill-give me more drink, and take my Wit. Thou hast uttered volumes, folios, in less purse. than decimo sexto, my dear Lacedemonian. Şirrah, Petulant, thou art an epitomizer of words !
Sings. Prithee fill me the glass Pet. Witwould--- You are an annihilator of
Till it laugh in my face, sense!
l'ith ale that is potent und mellow ; Wit. Thou art a retailer of plırases; and dost
He that whines for a lass deal in remnants of remnants, like a maker of
Is an ignorant ass, pincushions !--Thou art, in truth, (metaphorical
For a bumper has not its fellow. ly speaking) a speaker of short-hand !
Pet. Thou art (without a figure) just one-half But if you would have me marry my cousin, say of an ass, and Baldwin, yonder, thy half-brother, the word, and I'll do it--Wilfull will do it, that's is the rest !--a gemini of asses split would make the word--Wilfull will do it, that's my crest. just four of you!
my motto I have forgot. Wit. Thou dost bite, my dear mustard-seed !
Lady Wish. My nephew's a little overtaken, Kiss me for that.
cousin—but 'tis with drinking your health-On Pet. Stand off! I'll kiss no more males. I my word, you are obliged to himhave kissed your twin yonder in a humour of re
Sir Wil. In vino veritas, aunt: if I drunk your conciliation, till he [Hiccup.] rises upon my sto health to day, cousin—I am a borachio. But if mach like a raddish.
you have a mind to be married, say the word; Mill. Eh ! filthy creature--what was the quar- and send for the piper; Wilfull will do it. If not, rel?
dust it away, and let's have t’other round-Tony, Pet. There was no quarrel--there might have ods-heart, where's Tony !---Tony's an honest felbeen a quarrel.
low; but he spits after a buinper, and that's a Wit. If there had been words enow between fault. them to have expressed provocation, they had Sings. We'll drink, and we'll never ha' done, boys. gone together, by the ears, like a pair of castanets, Put the glass, then, around with the sun, Pet. You were the quarrel.
Let Apollo's example invite us;
Sir Wil. With a wench, Tony? let me bite For he is drunk every night,
cheek for that. And that makes him so bright,
Wit. Horrible! he has a breath like a bag.. That he's able next morning to light us. pipe--Ay, ay, come, will you march, my SaloThe sun's a good pimple, an honest soaker, he Sir Wil
. Lead on, little Tony--I'll follow thee, has a cellar at your antipodes. If I travel, aunt, my Anthony, my Tanthony; 'sirrah, thou shalt I touch at your antipodes—your antipodes are a be my Tantony, and I'll be thy pig. good rascally sort of topsy-turvy fellows—if I had a bumper, I'd stand upon my head and drink a -And a fig for your sultan and sophi. health to them-A match or no match, cousin Ereunt SIR WILFULL, MR WITWOULD, with the hard name ?-aunt, Wilfull will do it.
and FOIBLE. Mill. Your pardon, madam, I can stay no Lady Wish. This will never do. It will never longer-Sir Wilfull grows very powerful. Égh! make a match-At least, before he has been ahow he smells! I shall be overcome, if I
stay. broad. Come, cousin.
[Ereunt Millamant and Mrs Fainall. Enter Waitwell, disguised, as for Sir RowLady Wish. Smells ! he would poison a tallowchandler and his family. Beastly creature, IDear sir Rowland, I am confounded with confuknow not what to do with him.—Travel quothľa! sion at the retrospection of my own rudeness.--ay, travel, travel ; get thee gone, get thee gone, I have more pardons to ask than the pope distriget thee but far enough, to the Saracens, or the butes in the year of jubilee. But, I hope, where Tartars, or the Turks—for thou art not fit to live there is likely to be so near an alliance—we may in a Christian commonwealth, thou beastly pa- unbend the severity of decoruin—and dispense
with a little ceremony. Sir Wil. Turks ! no; no Turks, aunt; your Wait. My impatience, madam, is the effect of Turks are infidels, and believe not in the grape. my transport; and, till i have the possession of Your Mahometan, your Musselman, is a dry stin- your adorable person, I am tantalized on the rack, kard-No offence, aunt. My map says that your and du but hang, madam, on the tenter of exTurk is not so honest a man as your Christian- pectation. I cannot find by the map, that your Mufti is or Lady Wish. You have excess of gallantry, sir thodoxwhereby it is a plain case, that orthodox Rowland; and press things to a conclusion with is a hard word, aunt, and [Hiccup.] Greek for a most prevailing vehemence-But a day or two elaret.
for decency of marriage.
Wait. For decency of funeral, madam. The Sings. To drink is a Christian diversion, delay will break my heart—or, if that should fail,
Unknown to the Turk or the Persian : I shall be poisoned. My nephew will get an ink-
ling of my designs, and poison me—and I would Live by heathenish rules,
willingly starve him before I die, I would gladly And be damned over tea-cups and coffee ; go out of the world with that satisfaction. That But let British lads sing,
would be some comfort to me, if I could but Crown a health to the king,
live so long as to be revenged on that unnatural And a fig for your sultan and sophi. viper.
Lady Wish. Is he so unnatural, say you? truly, Enter Foible, and whispers LADY WISHFORT.
I would contribute much, both to the saving of
your life, and the accomplishment of your reEh, Tony !
venge.-Not that I respect myself; though he Lady Wish. Sir Rowland impatient! good lack, has been a perfidious wretch to me. what shall I do with this beasily tumbril?---go Wait. Perfidious to you ! lie down and sleep, you sot---or, as I'm a person, Lady Wish. O, sir Rowland, the hours, that he I'll have you bastinadoed with broomsticks. Call has died away at my feet; the tears, that he has up the wenches with broomsticks.
shed; the oaths, that he has sworn; the palpitaSir Wil
. Aley! wenches ? where are the tions, that he has felt; the trances and tremblings, wenches?
the ardours and the ecstasies, the kneelings and Lady Wish. Dear cousin Witwould, get him the risings, the heart-heavings and the handaway, and you will bind me to you inviolably. grippings, the panys and the pathetic regards of I have an affair of moment, that invades me with his protesting eyes ! O, no memory can register: some precipitation--you will oblige me to all fu Wait. What, my rival! is the rebel my rival? turity.
a'dies. Wit. Come, knight-plague on him, I don't Lady Wish. No, don't kill him at once, sir know what to say to him---will you go to a cock- Rowland ; starve him gradually, inch by inch. inatch?
Wait. I'll do it. In three weeks he shall be VOL. II.
barefoot; in a month out at knees with begging Foi. By heaven! Mrs Marwood's. I know it. an alms-he shall starve upward and upward, My heart akes-get it from her [To him. till he bas nothing living but his head, and then Wait. A woman's hand! No, madam, that's no go out in a stink, like a candle's end upon a save woman's hand, I see that already. That's someall.
body, whose throat must be cut. Lady Wish. Well, sir Rowland, you have the Lady Wish. Nay, sir Rowland, since you give
-You are no novice in the labyrinth of love me a proof of your passion by your jealousy, I -You have the clue-But, as I am a person, sir promise you I'll make a return, by a frank comRowland, you must not attribute my yielding to munication—You shall see it-we'll open it toany sinister appetite, or indigestion of widowhood; gether-look you here.-- Reads–Madam, though nor impute my complacency to any lethargy of unknown to you,' (Look you there, 'tis from nocontinence-I hope you do not think me prone body, that I know). I have that honour for your to any iteration of nuptials
character, that I think myself obliged to let you Wait. Far be it from me
know you are abused. He, who pretends to be Lady Wish. If you do, I protest I must recede sir Rowland, is a cheat and a rascal—' 0 hea-or think that I have made a prostitution of de- ven's ! what's this? corums; but, in the vehemence of compassion, Foi. Unfortunate, all's ruined ! and to save the life of a person of so much im Wait. How, how! let me see, let me see ;portance-
[Reading:}– A rascal, and disguised, and subll'ait. I esteem it so-
orned for that imposture,'—O villainy! O villainy! Lady Wish. Or else you wrong my
condescen - By the contrivance of sion--
Lady Wish. I shall faint, I shall die, ho! Wut. I do not, I do not
Foi. Say, 'tis your nephew's hand.-Quickly, Lady Wish. Indeed, you do.
his plot, swear it, swear it.Wuit. I do not, fair shrine of virtue.
Wuit. Here's a villain, madam ! don't you perLudy Wish. If you think the least scruple of ceive it, don't you
see it? carnality was an ingredient
Lady Wish. Too well, too well; I have seen Wait. Dear madam, no. You are all camphire too much. and frankincense; all chastity and odour.
Wait. I told you at first I knew the hand : a Lady Wish. Or that
woman's hand! The rascal writes a sort of a large
hand; your Roman hand- I saw there was a Enter Forble.
throat to be cut presently. If he were my son, Foi. Madam, the dancers are ready, and there's as he is my nephew, I'd pistol him— one with a letter, who must deliver it into your Foi. O, treachery! But are you sure, sir Rowown hands.
land, it is his writing? Ludy Il'ish. Sir Rowland, will you give me Wait. Sure! Am I here? Do I live? Do I leave think favourably, judge candidly, and con love this pearl of India! I have twenty letters in clude you have found a person, who would suf- my pocket from him, in the same character. fer racks in honour's cause, dear sir Rowland, Lady Wish. How! and will wait on you incessantly.
Foi. 0, what luck it is, sir Rowland, that (Erit Lady WishForT. you were present at this juncture! this was the Wait. Fy, fy!—What a slavery have I under-business that brought Mr Mirabell disguised to gone! Spouse, hast thou any cordial? I want | madam Millamant this afternoon. I thought spirits.
something was contriving, when he stole by me, Foi. What a washy rogue art thou, to pant and would have hid his face. thus for a quarter of an hour's lying and swearing Lady Wish. How, how !--I heard the villain to a tine lady!
was in the house, indeed; and, now, I rememWuit. O, she is the antidote to desire. Spouse, ber, my niece went away abruptly, when sir Wilthou wilt fare the worse for it. By this hand, I'd full was to have made his addresses. rather be a chairman in the dog-days-than act Foi. Then, theu, madam, Mr Mirabell waited sır Rowland till this time to-morrow.
for her in her chamber! but, I would not tell Enter LADY WISHFORT with a letter.
your ladyship, to discompose you, when you were
to receive sir Rowland. Lady Wish. Call in the dancers ;—Sir Row Wait. Enough, bis date is short. land, we'll sit, if you please, and see the enter Foi. No, good sir Rowland, don't incur the tainment. [Dance.) Now, with your permission, law. sir Rowland, I will peruse my letter-I would Wait. Law! I care not for law. I can but open it in your presence, because I would not die; and, 'tis in a good cause-My lady shall be make vou uneasy.
If it should make you uneasy satisfied of my truth and innocence, though it I would burn it-speak, if it does--but you cost me my life. may sec, the superscription is like a woman's Lady M'ish. No, dear sir Rowland, don't fight; hand,
you should be killed, I must never shew my
face : Or hanged !-0, consider my reputation, sir Rowland !--No, you shan't fight-I'll go in and examine my niece; I'll make her confess. I conjure you, sir Rowland, by all your love, not to řght.
Wait. I am charmed, madam; I obey. But some proof you must let me give you. I'll go for a black box, which contains the writings of my whole estate, and deliver that into your hands.
Ludy Wish. Ay, dear sir Rowland, that will be some comfort; bring the black box.
Wait. And, may I presume to bring a contract to be signed this night? May I hope so far?
Lady Wish. Bring what you will; but come alive, pray, come alive. O, this is a happy discovery!
Wait. Dead or alive, I'll come-and, married we, will be, in spite of treachery. Cuine, my buxom widow : Ere long, you shall substantial proof receive, That I'm an arrant knightFoi. Or arrant knave.
Foi. Pray, do but hear me, madam; he could
not marry your ladyship, madain---No, indeed, Lady WISH FORT and Foible.
his marriage was to have been void in law; for, Lady Wish. Out of my house, out of my house, he was married to me first, to secure your ladythou viper, thou serpent, that I have fostered! ship. Yes, indeed; I inquired of the law in that thou bosom traitress, that I raised from nothing ! case, before I would meddle or make. Begone, begone, begone! go, go ! That I took Lady Wish. What, then, I have been your profrom washing of old gauze, and weaving of dead perty, have I? I have been convenient to you, it hair, with a bleak blue nose, over a chatting-dish seems--while you were catering for Mirabell, I of starved embers, and dining behind a traverse have been broker for you! What, have you made rag, in a shop no bigger than a birdcage,-go, go! a passive bawd of me?- This exceeds all precestarve again, do, do.
dent; I am brought to fine uses, to become a Foi. Dear madam, I'll beg pardon on my botcher of second-hand marriages between Abiknees.
gails and Andrews! I'll couple you. Yes, I'll Lady Wish. Away! out, out! go, set up for baste you together, you and your Philander. I'll yourself agail--do, drive a trade, do, with your Duke's-Place you, as I'm a person. Your turtle three-pennyworth of small ware, flaunting upon is in custody already: you shall coo in the same a pack-thread, under a brandy-seller's bulk, or cage, if there be a constable or warrant in the against a dead wall by a baliad-monger. Go, parish.
[Erit. hang out an old frisoneer-gorget, with a yard of Foi. O that ever I was born ! O that I was ever yellow Colberteen, again; do; an old gnawed married !-a bride! ay, I shall be a Bridewell mask, two rows of pins, and a child's tiddle; a bride, oh! glass necklace, with the beads broken, and a quilted night-cap with one ear. Go, go, drive a
Enter Mrs FAINALL. trade. These were your commodities, you treacherous trull! this was the merchandise you Mrs Fain. Poor Foible, what's the matter? dealt in, when I took you into my house, placed Foi O madam, my lady's gone for a constable! you next myself, and made you governante of I shall be had to a justice, and put to Bridewell my whole family. You have forgot this, have to beat hemp; poor Waitwell's gone to prison you, now you have feathered your nest? already.
Foi. No, no, dear madam! Do but hear me ; Mrs Fain. Have a good heart, Foible; Mirahave but a moment's patience--I'll confess all. bell's gone to give security for him. This is all Mr Mirabell seduced me; I am not the first, that Marwood's and my husband's doing. he has wheedled with his dissembling tongue; Fvi. Yes, yes, I know it, madam; she was in your ladyship's own wisdom has been deluded by my lady's closet, and overheard all that you said him; then, how should I, a poor ignorant, de to me before dinner. She sent the letter to iny fend myself? 0, madam ! if you knew but what lady; and that missing effect, Mr Fainall laid he promised me; and how he assured me your this plot to arrest Waitwell, when he pretended ladyship should come to no damage-Or else the to go for the papers; and, in the mean tiine, Mrs wealth of the Indies should not have bribed me Marwood declared all to my lady. to conspire against so good, so sweet, so kind a Mrs Fain. Was there no mention made of lady as you have been to me.
me in the letter ?-My mother does not Lady Wish. No dainage! What! to betray suspect my being in the confederacy? I fancy me, and marry me to a cast serving-man! to Marwood has not told her, though she has told make me a receptacle, an hospital for a decaved my husband. pimp! No damage! O thou frontless impudence, Foi. Yes, madam ; but my lady did not see more than a big-bellied actress !
that part: we stifled the letter before she read
Has that mischievous devil told Mr 1 and now, you are become an intercessor with my Fainall of your ladyship then?
son-in-law, to save the honour of my house, and Mrs Fain. Ay, all's out; my affair with Mira- compound for the frailties of my daughter. bell, every thing discovered. This is the last day Well, friend, you are enough to reconcile me to of our living together, that's my comfort. the bad world, or else I would retire to deserts
Foi. Indeed, madam ! and so ’ris a comfort, and solitudes, and feed harmless sheep by groves if you knew all-he has been even with your and purling streams. Dear Marwood, let us ladyship; which I could have told you long leave the world, and retire by ourselves, and be enough since; but I love to keep peace and shepherdesses. quietness by my good will: I had rather bring Árs Mar. Let us first dispatch the affair in friends together, ihan set them at distance. But hand, madam. We shall have leisure in think Mrs Marwood and he are ncarer related than of retirement afterwards. Here is one who is ever their parents thought for.
concerned in the treaty. Mrs Fain. Say'st thou so, Foible? Canst thou Lady Wish. O daughter, daughter! is it possi
ble thou shouldst be my child, bone of my bune, Foi. I can take my oath of it, madam; so can and flesh ot'myflesh, and, as I may say, another me, Mrs Mincing. We have had many a fair word and yet transgress the minute particle of severe from madam Marwood, to conceal something, that virtue? Is it possible you should lean aside to passed in our chamber one evening, when we iniquity, who have been cast in the direct mould were at Hyde Park ;—and we were thought to of virtue? have gone a walking: but we went up una Mrs Fain. I don't understand your ladyship. wares, though we were sworn to secrecy, Lady Wish. Not understand! why, have you too; madam Marwood took a book, and swore us not been naught? have you not been sophisticatupon it: but it was but a book of poems.-So ed ? Not understand! here I am ruined to comlong as it was not a bible-oath, we may break it pound for your caprices, and your cuckoldoms. with a safe conscience,
I must part with my plate and my jewels, and Mrs Fain. This discovery is the most oppor- ruin' my niece, and all little enoughtune thing I could wish-Now, Mincing !
Mrs Fain. I am wronged and abused, and so
are you. 'Tis a false accusation, as false as hell ! Enter MINCING,
as false as your friend there, ay, or your friend's
friend, my false husband ! Min. My lady would speak with Mrs Foible. Mrs Mar. My friend! Mrs Fainall? your mem. Mr Mirabell is with her; he has set your husband my friend! what do spouse at liberty, Mrs Foible, and would have Mrs Fain. I know what I mean, madam, and you bide yourself in my lady's closet, till my old so do you : and so shall all the world at a time lady's anger is abated. O, my old lady is in a convenient. perilous passion, at something Mr Fainall has Mrs Mar. I am sorry to see you so passionsaid; he swears, and my old lady cries. There's ate, madam. More temper would look more a fearful hurricane, I vow. Ile says, mem, how like innocence. But I have done. I am sorry that he'll have my lady's fortune inade over to my zeal to serve your ladyship and family should him, or he'll be divorced.
admit of misconstruction, or make me liable to Mrs Fain. Does your lady or Mirabell know affronts. You will pardon me, madam, if I medthat!
dle no more with an affair, in which I am not Min. Yes, mem, they have sent me to see if personally concerned. Sir Wilfull be sober, and to bring him to them. Lady Wish. O dear friend, I am so ashamed My lady is resolved to have him, I think, rather that you should meet with such returns !- you than lose such a vast sum as six thousand ought to ask pardon on your knees, ungrateful pounds. O, come Mrs Foible; I hear my old creature ! she deserves more from you, than all Îady.
your life can accomplish-0 don't leave me desMrs Fuin. Foible, you must tell Mincing, that titute in this perplexity !--no, stick to me, my she must prepare to vouch when I call her. good genius! Foi. Yes, yes, madam.
Mrs Fain. I tell you, madam, you're abusedMin. O, yes, mem, I'll vouch any thing for Stick to you? ay, like a leech, to suck your best your ladyship’s service, be what it will.
blood-she'll drop off, when she's full. Madam, [E.reunt Forele and Mincing. you shan't pawn a bodkin, nor part with a brass Enter LADY WishFort and MRS MARWOOD.
counter, in composition for me. I defy them all.
Let them prove their aspersions : I know my own Lady Wish. O my dear friend, how can I enu- innocence, and dare stand a trial. merate the benefits that I have received from
Erit. your goodness! Tơ you, I owe the timely dis Lady Wish. Why, if she should be innocent, covery of the false vows of Mirabell; to you, I if she should be wronged after all, ha! I don't owe the detection of the impostor sir Rowland; know what to think-and, I promise you, her