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Scand. We are all under a mistake. Ask no Sir Sam. Gads bobs, does he not know? Is he questions, for I can't resolve you; but I'll inform mischievous ? I'll speak gently. Val, Val, dost your master. In the mean time, if our project thou not know me, boy? not know thy own fasucceed no better with his father than it does ther, Val? I am thy own father; and this, howith his mistress, he may descend from his exal- nest Brief Buckram, the lawyer. tation of madness into the road of common sense, Val. It may be so—I did not know you the and be content only to be made a fool with other world is full. There are people that we do reasonable people. I hear sir Sampson. You know, and people that we do not know, and know your cue? I'll to your master. [E.rit. yet the sun shines upon all alike. There are
fathers that have many children; and there are Enter SIR SAMPSON and BuckRAM.
children that have many fathers'tis strange! Sir Sam. D’ye see, Mr Buckram, here's the | But I am Honesty, and come to give the world paper signed with his own hand.
the lie. Buck. Good, sir. And the conveyance is Sir Sam. Body o'me, I know not wbat to say ready drawn in this box, if he be ready to sign to him! and seal.
Val. Why does that lawyer wear blackSir Sam. Ready! body o'me, he must be does he carry his conscience without-side? Lawready: his sham sickness sha'nt excuse bim-ver, what art thou? dost thou know me? O, here's his scoundrel. Sirrah, where's your Buck. O Lord! what must I say? -Yes, sir. master?
Val. Thou liest; for I am Honesty. 'Tis bard Jer. Ah, sir, he's quite gone !
I cannot get a livelihood amongst you. I have Sir Sam. Gone! what, he's not dead? been sworn out of Westminster-Hall the first day Jer. No, sir, not dead.
of every term-Let me see---no matter how long Sir Sam. What, is he gone out of town? run --But I'll tell you one thing; it is a question away? ha! has he tricked ine? Speak, varlet. that would puzzle an arithmetician, if I should
Jer. No, no, sir, he's safe enough, sir, an he ask him, whether the bible saves more souls in were but as sound, poor gentleman! He is in- Westminster-Abbey, or damns more in Westdeed here, sir, and not here, sir.
ster-Hall ?--For my part, I am Honesty, and Sir Sam. Hey-day, rascal
, do you banter me? can't tell ; I have very few acquaintance. sirrah, d'ye banter me?-Speak, sirrah; where Sir Sam. Body o'me, he talks sensibly in his is he? for I will find him.
madness---Has he no intervals? Jer. Would you could, sir; for he has lost Jer. Very short, sir. himself. Iudeed, sir, I have almost broke my Buck. Sir, I can do vou no service while he's heart about him---I can't refrain tears when I in this condition. Here's your paper, sir-He think on him, sir : I'm as melancholy for him as may do me a mischief if I stay-The conveya passing-bell, sir; or a horse in a pond. ance is ready, sir, if he recover his senses. [Erit.
Sir Sam. A pox confound your similitudes, sir: Sir Sam. Hold, hold; don't you go yet. -Speak to be understood: and tell me in plain Scand. You'd better let him go, sir; and send terms what is the matter with him, or I'll crack for him if there be occasion: for I fancy bis your fool's skull.
presence provokes him more. Jer, Ah, you've hit it, sir; that's the matter Val. Is the lawyer gone? 'Tis well; then we with him, sir; his skull's cracked, poor gentle may drink about, without going together by the man! he's stark mad, sir.
ears. Heigh ho! what o'clock is it? My father Sir Sam. Mad!
your blessing, sir. Buck. What, is he non compos?
Sir Sam. He recovers !---Bless thee, Val!
How dost thou do, boy?
If he be non compos mentis, his act and a little out of order. Won't you please to sit, sir? deed will be of no effect; it is not good in law. Sir Sam. Ay, boy. Come, thou shalt sit down
Sir Sam. Oons, I won't believe it; let me see by me. him, sir. Mad! I'll make him find his senses. Val. Sir, 'tis my duty to wait.
Jer. Mr Scandal is with him, sir; I'll knock at Sir Sam. No, no: come, come, sit thee dowo, the door.
honest l'al. How dost thou do? let me feel thy (Goes to the scene, which opens and dis- pulse-Oh, pretty well now, Val. Body o' me, covers VALENTINE and SCANDAL. VA- I was sorry to see thee indisposed : but I am glad
upon a couch, disorderly thou art better, honest Val.
Val. I thank you, sir.
[ Aside. Scund. For Heaven's sake, softly, sir, and Sir Sam. Let me feel thy hand again, Val. It gently: don't provoke him.
does not shake-I believe thou canst write, Val? l'úl. Answer me, who's that? and that? Ila, boy? thou canst write thy name, Val
Jeremy, step and overtake Mr Buckram ; bid him Sir Sam. Why, my opinion is, that these two make haste back with the conveyance-quick! monsters, joined together, make yet a greater;
[Erit JEREMY. that's a man and his wife. Scand. That ever I should suspect such a Val. Aha, old Truepenny! sayest thou so? heathen of any remorse!
[ Aside. Thou hast nicked it. But it is wonderful strange, Sir Sam. Dost thou know this paper, Val? I Jeremy. know thou'rt honest, and wilt perform articles. Jer. What is it, sir?
[Shews him the paper, but holds it out of Val. That grey hairs should cover a green his reuch.)
head--and I make a fool of my father. What's Val. Pray let me see it, sir; you hold it so far here? Erra Pater, or a bearded sibyl? If prooff, that I can't tell whether I know it or no. phecy comes, Honesty must give place. Sir Sam. See it, boy? Ay, ay, why thou dost
[Exeunt VALENTINE and JEREMY, see it—'tis thy own hand, Vally. Why, let me see, I can read it as plain as can be: look you
Enter Foresight, Mrs FORESIGHT, and
Mrs FRAIL. here-Reads.] The condition of this obligation'-Look you, as plain as can be, so it begins Fore. What says he? What did he prophesy?
-And then at the bottom— As witness my Ha, Sir Sampson! Bless us! how are we? hand, VALENTINE LEGEND,' in great letters Sir Sam. Are we? A pox on your prognosticaWhy, 'tis as plain as the nose on one's face. tions! Why, we are fools as we used to be. What, are my eyes better than thine? I believe I Oons, that you could not foresee that the moon can read it farther off yet, let me see would predominate, and my son be mad! Where's
[Stretches his arm as far as he can. your oppositions, your trines, and your quadVal. Will you please to let me hold it, sir? rates ? Ah! pox on't, that I, who know the world, Sir Sam. Let thee hold it, say'st thou?-Ay, and men and manners, who don't believe a sylwith all my heart-What matter is it who holds lable in the sky and stars, and sun and almait? What need any body hold it?-I'll put it in nacks, and trash, should be directed by a dreamer, my pocket, Val, and then nobody need hold it an omen-hunter, and defer business in expecta[Puts the paper in his pocket.] There, Val: its tion of a lucky hour! when, body o'me!'there sate enough, boy. But thou shalt have it as soon never was a lucky hour after the first opportuas thou hast set thy hand to another paper, little nity.
Fore. Ah, sir Sampson, Heaven help your
head! This is none of your lucky hours Nemo Enter JEREMY and BuckRAM.
omnibus horis supit !What, is he gone, and Val. What, is my bad genius here again? Oh in contempt of science? III stars, and unconno, 'tis the lawyer, with an itching palm; and he's vertible ignorance attend him! come to be scratched. My nails are not long Scand. You must excuse his passion, Mr Foreenough. Let me have a pair of red hot tongs sight; for he has been heartily vexed. His son is quickly, quickly; and you shall see me act St non compos mentis, and thereby incapable of Dunstan, and lead the devil by the nose. making any conveyance in law; so that all his
Buck. O Lord, let me be gone! I'll not ven measures are disappointed. ture myself with a madman. [Runs out. Fore. Ha ! say you so?
Val. Ha, ha, ba! you need not run so fast. Mrs Frail. What, has my sea-lover lost his Honesty will not overtake you. Ha, ha, ha! the anchor of hope, then? rogue found me out to be in forma pauperis pre
[ Asiile to Mrs FORESIGIT. sently.
Mrs Fore. O sister, what will you do with Sir Sam. Oons! what a vexation is here! I bim? know not what to do or say, or which way to go. Mrs Frail. Do with him? Send him to sea
Val. Who's that, that's out of his way? I am again in the next foul weather. He's used to an Honesty, and can set him right. Hark'ce, friend, inconstant element, and won't be surprised to see the strait road is the worst way you can go. He the tide turned. that follows his nose always, will very often be Fore. Wherein was I mistaken, not to foresee led into a stink. Probat um est. But what are this?
[Considers. you for? religion or politics? There's a couple of Scand. Madam, you and I can tell him sometopics for you, no more like one another than oil thing else, that he did not foresee, and more parand vinegar; and yet these two, beaten together ticularly relating to his own fortune. [Aside to by a state cook, make sauce for the whole na Mrs Foresight.] You look pretty well, Mr tion.
Foresight. How did you rest last night? Sir Sam. What the devil had I to do, ever to Fore. Truly, Mr Scandal, I was so taken up beget sons? why did I ever marry ?
with broken dreams, and distracted visions, that Val. Because thou wert a monster, old boy. I remember little. The two greatest monsters in the world, are a Scand. But would you not talk with Valentine? man and a woman. What's thy opinion? Perhaps you may understand him; I ain apt to
believe, there is something mysterious in his dis- have I set my heart upon! 0, I am happy to course, and soinetimes rather think him inspired have discovered the shelves and quicksands, that than mad.
lurk beneath that smiling faithless face? Fore. You speak with singular good judgment, Ben. Hey-toss ! what's the matter now? wby, Mr Scandal, truly. I am inclining to your Turk- you be’nt angry, be you? ish opinion in this matter, and do reverence a Mrs Frail. O see me no more—for thou wert man, whom the vulgar think mad. Let us go to born among rocks, suckled by whales, cradled in him.
a tempest, and whistled to by winds; and thou Mrs Frail. Sister, do you go with them; I'll art come forth with fins and scales, and three find out my lover, and give him his discharge, rows of teeth, a most outrageous fish of prey. and come to you. (Ereunt Scandal, Mr and Ben. O Lord ! O Lord! she's mad, poor young Mes FORESIGHT.] On my conscience, here he woman! Love has turned her senses; her brain comes !
is quite overset. Well-a-day! how shall I do to
set her to rights? Enter Ben.
Mrs Frail. No, no, I am not mad, monster! I
am wise enough to find you out. Hadst thou the Ben. All mad, I think. Flesh, I believe all the impudence to aspire at being a husband, with that calentures of the sea are come ashore, for my stubborn and disobedient temper? You, that part.
know not how to submit to a father, presune Mrs Fruil. Mr Benjamin in choler!
to have a sufficient stock of duty to undergo a Ben. No, I'm pleased well enough, now I have wife? I should have been finely fobbed, indeed! found you. Mess, I have had such a hurricane very finely fobbed ! on your account yonder !
Ben. Harkee, forsooth; if so be, that you are Alrs Frail. My account? Pray, what's the in your right senses, d'ye see, for aught as I permatter?
ceive, I'm like to be finely fobbed-if I have got Ben. Why, father came, and found me squab anger here upon your account, and you are tacked bling with yon chitty-faced thing, as he would about already! What d'ye mean, after all your have me marry—so he asked, what was the mat- fair speeches, and stroking my cheeks, and kisster. He asked in a surly sort of a way. It seems ing and hugging, what, would you sheer off so? brother Val is gone mad, and so that put'n into a would you, and leave me aground? passion; but what did I know that? what's that Mrs rail. No, I'll leave you adrift, and go to me? So he asked in a surly sort of manner, which way you will. and, Gad, I answered 'en as surlily. What, thof Ben. What are you false-hearted, then? he be my father, I an't bound prentice to 'en : Mrs Frail. Only the wind's changed. so, faith, I told'n, in plain terms, if I were mind Ben. More shame for you! The wind's ed to marry, I'd marry to please myself, not him; changed? It is an ill wind blows nobody good. and, for the young woman that he provided for Mayhap I have a good riddance on you, if these me, I thought it more fitting for her to learn her be your tricks. What, did you mean all this sampler, and make dirt-pies, than to look after a while to make a fool of me? husband; for my part, I was none of her man Mrs Frail. Any fool, but a husband. I had another voyage to make, let him take it as Ben. Husband! Gad, I would not be your he will.
you would have me, now I know your Mrs Frail. So, then, you intend to go to sea mind; thof you had your weight in gold and again?
jewels, and thof I loved you never so well. Ben. Nay, nay, my mind ran upon you—but I Mrs Frail. Why, canst thou love, porpus ? would not tell him so much. So he said, he'd Ben. No matter what I can do; don't call make my heart ache; and if so be, that he could names. I don't love you so well as to bear that, get a woman to his mind, he'd marry himself. | whatever I did. I'm glad you shew yourseif, Gad, says I, an you play the fool, and marry at mistress : let them marry you as don't know you. these years, there's more danger of your head's Gad, I know you too well, by sad experience; I aching than my heart! He was woundy angry, believe he that marries you will go to sea in : when I giv'n that wipe—he hadn't a word to say; hen-pecked frigate. I believe that, young woand so I left'n, and the green girl together; may- man! and mayhap may come to an anchor at hap the bee may bite, and he'll marry her him- Cuckold's Point; so there's a dash for you, take self-with all my heart !
it as you will; mayhap you may hollow after me, Mrs Frail. And were you this undutiful and when I won't come to.
[Erit. graceless wretch to your father?
Mrs Frail. Ha, ha, ha! no doubt on't. [Sings) Ben. Then, why was he graceless first? If I My true love is gone to sea ! [Enter Mes am undutiful and graceless, why did he beget me FORESIGHT.] O sister, had you come a minute so? I did not beget myself.
sooner, you would have seen the resolution of a Mrs Frail. O impicty! how have I been mis- lover. Honest Tar and I are parted, and wità taken! What an inbuman merciless creature the same indifference that we met.
Mrs Fore. What, then, he bore it most heroi- | morning, may, ten to one, dirty his sheets before cally?
night. But there are two things that you will Mrs Frail. Most tyrannically. But I'll tell see very strange; which are, wanton wives with you a hint that he has given me. Sir Sampson their legs at liberty; and tame cuckolds with is enraged, and talks desperately of committing chains about their necks. But hold, I must examatrimony himself. If he has a mind to throw mine you before I go further; you look suspihimself away, he can't do it more effectually than ciously. Are you a husband ? upon me, if we could bring it about.
Fore. I am married. Mrs Fore. O hang him, old fox! he's too cun Val. Poor creature! Is your wife of Coventning; besides, he hates both you and me. But I garden parish? have a project in my head for you, and I have Fore. No: St Martin in the Fields: gone a good way towards it. I have almost made Val. Alas, poor man! his eyes are sunk, and a bargain with Jeremy, Valentine's man, to sell his hands shrivelled; his legs dwindled, and his his master to us.
back bowed. Pray, pray for a metamorphosis Mrs Frail. Sell him? how?
Change thy shape, and shake off age; get thee Mrs Fore. Valentine raves upon Angelica, and Medea's kettle, and be boiled anew; come forth, took me for her, and Jeremy says, will take any with labouring, callous hands, a chine of steel, body for her that he imposes on him. Now, I and Atlas' shoulders. Let Taliacorius trim the have promised him mountains, il, in one of his calves of twenty chairmen, and make thee pemad fits, he will bring you to him in her stead, destals to stand erect upon; and look matrimony and get you married together, and put to bed to in the face. Ha, ha, ha! that a man should have gether-and after consummation, girl, there's no a stomach to a wedding supper, when the pirevoking. And if he should recover his senses, geons ought rather to be laid to his feet! ha, ha, he'll be glad at least to make you a good settle- ha! ment. Here they coine; stand aside a little, and Fore. His frenzy is very high, now, Mr Scandal, tell me how you like the design.
Scand. I believe it is a spring tide.
Fore. Very likely truly; you understand these Enter VALENTINE, SCANDAL, FORESIGHT, and
Mr Scandal, I shall be very glad to JEREMY.
confer with you, about these things, which he has
uttered. His sayings are very mysterious and Scand. And have you given your master a hint hieroglyphical. of their plot upon him?
(TO JEREMY. Val. Oh, why would Angelica be absent from
Jer. She's here, sir.
Mrs Fore. Now, sister.
Mrs Frail. O Lord, what must I say?
secret to tell craft, and fools through fortune; and Honesty you-Endymion and the moon shall meet us will go, as it did, frost-nipt in a summer-suit. upon Mount Patmos, and we'll be married in Ask me questions concerning to-morrow. the dead of night. But say not a word. Hymen Scand. Ask him, Mr Foresight.
shall put his torch into a dark lantern, that it Fore. Pray, what will be done at court? may be secret; and Juno shall give her peacock
Val. Scandal will tell you-1 am Honesty; I poppy water, that he may fold his ogling tail, never come there.
and Argus's hundred eyes be shut, ha? Nobody Fore. In the city?
shall know but Jeremy. Val. Oh, prayers will be said in empty church Mrs Frail. No, no, we'll keep it secret; it es, at the usual hours. Yet you will see such shall be done presently. zealous faces behind counters, as if religion were Val. The sooner the better-Jeremy, come him to be sold in every shop. Oh! things will go ther-closer—that none may overhear us. methodically in the city. The clocks will strike Jeremy, I can tell you news. Angelica is turned twelve at noon, and the horned herd buz in the nun, and I am turned friar : and yet we'll marry Exchange at two. Husbands and wives will one another in spite of the popę. Get me a drive distinct trades; and care and pleasure se cowl and beads, that I may play my part--for parately occupy the family. Coffee-houses will she'll meet me two hours hence in black and be full of smoke and stratagem. And the cropt white, and a long veil to cover the project; and 'prentice that sweeps his inaster's shop in the we won't see one another's faces, till we have Vol. II.
done something to be ashained of--and then Val. Acquaint Jeremy with it; he may easily we'll blush once for all.
bring it about. They are welcome, and I'll tell
them so myself. (To SCANDAL.] What, do you Enter TATTLE and ANGELICA.
look strange upon me! Then I must be plain.
[Coming up to them.] I am Honesty, and hate Jer. I'll take care, and
an old acquaintance with a new face. Val. Whisper.
[SCANDAL goes aside with JEREMY. Ang. Nay, Mr Tattle, if you make love to me, Tatt. Do
know me, Valentine? you spoil my design; for I intend to make you Val. You ! who are you? I hope not. my confident.
Tatt. I am Jack Tattle, your friend.
and thou canst not lie with my wife. I Tatt. But, madam, to throw away your per am very poor, and thou canst not borrow money son-such a person! and such a fortune, ou a of me. Then what employment have I for a madman !
friend? Ang. I never loved him till he was mad; but, Tatt. Ha! a good open speaker, and not to be don't tell any body so.
trusted with a secret. Tatt. Tell, madam? alas, you don't know me. Ang. Do
loved a woman, and loved her so long, that I Ang. O, fie for shame! hold your tongue. A found out a strange thing; I found out what a passionate lover, and five senses in perfection! woman was good for. When you are as mad as Valentine, I'll believe Tatt. Ay, prithee, what's that? you love me; and the maddest shall take me. Val. Why, to keep a secret. Val. It is enough. Ha! who's there;
Tatt. O Lord ! Mrs Fruil. O Lord, her coming will spoil all. Val. O, exceeding good to keep a secret; for, [TO JEREMY. though she should tell
, yet she is not believed. Jer. No, no, madam; he won't know her; if Tatt. Ha! good again, faith. he should, I can persuade bim.
Jer. (JEREMY and SCANDAL whisper.] I'll do Val. Scandal, who are these? Foreigners? If it, sir. they are, I'll tell you what I think. Get away Scand. Mr Foresight, we had best leave him. all the company but Angelica, that I may discó- He may grow outrageous, and do mischief. ver my design to her.
Fore. I will be directed by you. Scand. I will. I have discovered something of Jer. (To Mrs Frail.] You'll meet, madam.Tattle, that is of a piece with Mrs Frail. He I'll take care every thing shall be ready. courts Angelica; if we could contrive to couple Mrs Frail. Thou shalt do what thou wilt; in them together-Harkee
[Whispers. short, I will deny thee nothing. Mrs Fore. Ile won't know you, cousin; he Tatt. Madam, shall I wait upon you? knows nobody
[To ANGELICA. Fore. But he knows more than any body. Ang. No, I'll stay with him. Mr Scandal Oh, niece, he knows things past, and things to will protect me. Aunt, Mr Tatele desires you come, and all the profound secrets of time. would give him leave to wait upon you. Tatt. Look Mr Foresight; it is not my Tatt. Pox on't
, there's no coming off
, now she way to make many words of matters, and so I has said that-Madam, will you do me the hoshan't say much. But, in short, d'ye see, I will nour? hold you a hundred pounds now, that I know Mrs Fore. Mr Tattle might have used less more secrets than he.
ceremony. Fore. How? I cannot read that knowledge in [Ereunt Mrs Frail, Mr and Mrs Foreyour face, Mr Tattle. Pray, what do you know? sight and Tattle.]
Tatt. Why, d'ye think I'll tell you, sir? Read Scand. Jeremy, follow Tattle. [E.rit JEREMY. it in iny face! No, sir, it is written in my heart; Ang. Mr Scandal, I only stay till my maid and safer there, sir, than letters written in juice comes, and because I have a mind to be rid of of lemon, for no fire can fetch it out. I am no Mr Tattle. blab, sir.
Scand. Madam, I am very glad that I overheard