Stand. To-morrow morning, early, madam. Lure. So suddenly! which way are you designed to travel? Stand. That I can't yet resolve on. Lure. Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir, I entreat you; why are you so obstinate? me. Stand. Why are you so curious, madam? Lure. Because Stand. What? Lure. Because I, I Stand. Because! What, madam?--Pray tell Lure. Because I design to follow you. [Crying. Stand. Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er was proud before. But such love, from such a creature, might swell the vanity of the proudest prince. Follow me! By Heavens thou shalt not! What! expose thee to the hazards of a camp-Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt of fools, and worst of fortune. Lure. You need not, shall not; my estate for both is sufficient. Stand. Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and purchase one myself; I'll cringe to the proud man I undermine, and fawn on him that I would bite to death; I'll tip my tongue with flattery, and smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn pimp, informer, office-broker, nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice it all to thee, my generous fair! Lure. And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any thing, but I'll reward thy love, and recompense thy noble passion. Stand. Sir Harry, ha, ha, ha! poor sir Harry, ha, ha, ha! Rather kiss her hand, than the Pope's toe, ha, ha, ha! Lure. What sir Harry, colonel? What sir Harry? Stand. Sir Harry Wildair, madam. Lure. What! is he come over? has só persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading, flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly the kingdom-And I warrant you he made you jealous. Stand. Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy. Lure. You shall have a plentiful revenge. I'll send him back all his foolish letters, songs, and verses, and you yourself shall carry them: 'twill afford you opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his further impertinence; for, of all men, he's my aversion. I'll run and fetch them instantly. [Erit. Stand. Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall I bait him, like Acteon, with his own dogs -Well, Mrs Parly, it is ordered, by act of parliament, that you receive no more pieces, Mrs Parly. Par. 'Tis provided by the same act, that you send no more messages by me, good colonel; you must not presume to send any more letters, unless you can pay the postage. Stand. Come, come, don't be mercenary; take example by your lady; be honourable. Par. A-lack-a-day, sir, it shews as ridiculous and haughty for us to imitate our betters in their honour, as in their finery; leave honour to nobi lity, that can support it: we poor folks, colonel, have no pretence to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should be cashiered with your leading-staff. Stand. Tis one of the greatest curses of po verty, to be the jest of chambermaids. Enter LUREWELL. Lure. Here's the packet, colonel; the whole magazine of love's artillery. [Giving him the packet. Stand. Which, since I have gained, I will turn upon the enemy. Madam, I'll bring you Stand. Ay, and he told me but I don't be the news of my victory this evening. Poor sir lieve a syllable on't. Harrry! ha, ha, ha! [Exit. Lure. What did he tell you? Lure. To the right about as you were; march, Stand. Only called you his mistress, and, pre-colonel. Ha, ha, ha! tending to be extravagant in your commendation, would vainly insinuate the praise of his own judgment and good fortune in a choice. Lure. How easily is the vanity of fops tickled by our sex! Stand. Why, your sex is the vanity of fops. Lure. On my conscience, I believe so. This gentleman, because he danced well, I pitched on for a partner at a ball in Paris, and, ever since, he Vain man, who boasts of studied parts and wiles! Nature in us your deepest art beguiles, Stamping deep cunning in our frowns and smiles. АСТ II. Dick. Ay, Dicky, sir, Clin. Very well; a pretty name! And what can you do, Mr Dicky? Dick. Why, sir, I can powder a wig, and pick up a whore. Clin. Oh, lord! Oh, lord! a whore! Why, are there many whores in this town? Dick. Ha, ha, ha! many whores! there's a question, indeed! Why, sir, there are above five hundred surgeons in town- -Hark'e, sir: do you see that woman there, in the velvet scarf, and red knots ? Clin. Ay, sir; what then? Dick. Why, she shall be at your service in three minutes, as I'm a pimp. Clin. Oh, Jupiter Ammon! Why, she's a gentlewoman. Dick. A gentlewoman! Why, so are all the whores in town, sir. Enter CLINCHER senior. Clin. sen. Brother, you're welcome to London. Clin. jun. I thought, brother, you owed so much to the memory of my father, as to wear mourning for his death. Clin. sen. Why, so I do, fool; I wear this, because I have the estate, and you wear that, because you have not the estate. You have cause to mourn indeed, brother. Well, brother, I'm glad to see you; fare you well. [Going. Clin. jun. Stay, stay, brother—Where are you going? Clin. sen. How natural 'tis for a country booby to ask impertinent questions!-Hark'e, sir; is not my father dead? Clin. jun. Ay, ay, to my sorrow. Clin. sen. No matter for that, he's dead; and am not I a young, powdered, extravagant lish heir? Clin. jun. Very right, sir. pageants, and squibs, and raree-shows, and all that, sir. Clin. jun. And must you go so soon, brother? Clin. sen. Yes, sir, for I must stay a month at Amsterdam, to study poetry. Clin. jun. Then I suppose, brother, you travel through Muscovy, to learn fashions; don't you, brother? Clin. sen. Brother! Prithee, Robin, don't call ine brother; sir will do every jot as well. Clin. jun. Oh, Jupiter Ammon! why so? Clin. sen. Because people will imagine you have a spite at me-But have you seen your cousin Angelica yet, and her mother, the lady Darling? Clin. jun. No; my dancing-master has not been with me yet. How shall I salute them, brother? Clin. sen. Pshaw! that's easy; 'tis only two scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. I'll tell you more when I come from the Jubilee. Come along. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-LADY DARLING's house. Enter WILDAIR with a letter. Wild. Like light and heat, incorporate we lay; We blessed the night, and cursed the coming day. Well, if this paper-kite flies sure, I'm secure of my game Humph!—the prettiest bourdel I have seen; a very stately genteel one— Footmen cross the stage. Hey-day! equipage, too! Now for a bawd by the curtesy, and a whore with a coat of arms'Sdeath, I'm afraid I've mistaken the house! Eng-curess [Aside. Lady Dar. [Reads.]— Madam-earnest in'clination to serve-sir Harry-madam-court my cousin-gentleman-fortune 'Your ladyship's most humble servant, VIZARD.' Sir, your fortune and quality are sufficient to recommend you any where; but what goes farther with me, is the recommendation of so sober and pious a young gentleman as my cousin Vizard, 2 S Wild. A right sanctified bawd, o' my word! [Aside. Lady Dar. Sir Harry, your conversation with Mr Vizard argues you a gentleman, free from the loose and vicious carriage of the town. I shall, therefore, call my daughter. [Exit LADY DARLING. Wild. Now, go thy way, for an illustrious bawd of Babylon-she dresses up a sin so religiously, that the devil would hardly know it of his making. Re-enter LADY DARLING with ANGELICA. Lady Dar. Pray, daughter, use him civilly; such matches don't offer every day. [Exit LADY DARLING. Wild. Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel! 'Sdeath, what money have I got in my pocket? I cannot offer her less than twenty guineas-and, by Jupiter, she's worth a hundred. Ang. 'Tis he! the very same! and his person as agreeable as his character of good humourPray Heaven his silence proceed from respect! Wild. How innocent she looks! How would that modesty adorn virtue, when it makes even vice look so charming! by Heaven, there's such a commanding innocence in her looks, that I dare not ask the question! Ang. Now, all the charms of real love, and feigned indifference, assist me to engage his heart; for mine is lost already! Wild. Madam-I, I-Zoons, I cannot speak to her! but she's a whore, and I will-madam, in short, I, I-oh, hypocrisy, hypocrisy, what a charming sin art thou! Ang. He is caught; now to secure my conquest I thought, sir, you had business to communicate. about me. Wild. What business have you here, then, sir? For, to my knowledge, twenty won't be sufficient. Clin. jun. Sufficient! for what, sir? Wild. What, sir! why, for that, sir; what the devil should it be, sir? I know your business, notwithstanding all your gravity, sir. Clin. jun. My business! why, my cousin lives here. Wild. I know your cousih does live here, and Vizard's cousin, and every body's cousin--harkee, sir, I shall return immediately; and if you offer to touch her, till I come back, I shall cut your throat, rascal. [Erit WILDAIR, Clin. jun. Why, the man's mad, sure! Dick. Mad, sir! aye-why, he's a beau Clin. jun. A beau! what's that? are all mad men beaux? Dick. No, sir; but most beaux are madmen. But now for your cousin. Remember, your three scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. Wild. Business to communicate! how nicely she words it! Yes, madam, I have a little business to communicate. Don't you love singing-in birds, madam? Ang. That's an odd question for a lover— yes, sir. Wild. Why, then, madam, here is a nest of the prettiest goldfinches that ever chirped in a cage; twenty young ones, I assure you, madam. Ang. Twenty young ones! what then, sir? Wild. Why, then, madam, there are—twenty young ones- 'Slife, I think twenty is pretty fair. Ang. He's mad, sure! sir Harry, when you have learned more wit and manners, you shall be welcome here again. [Exit ANGELICA. Wild. Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I conceive there is a great deal of wit and manners in twenty guineasI'm sure 'tis all the wit and manners I have about me at present. What shall I do? [Exeunt, as into the house. Enter WILDAIR, STANDARD following. Stand. Sir Harry, sir Harry! Wild. I am in haste, colonel; besides, if you're no better humour than when I parted with you in the park this morning, your company won't be very agreeable. Stand. You're a happy man, sir Harry, who are never out of humour. Can nothing move your gall, sir Harry? Wild. Nothing but impossibilities, which are the same as nothing. Stand. What impossibilities? Wild. The resurrection of my father to disinherit me, or an act of parliament against wenching. A man of eight thousand pounds per annum to be vexed! No, no; anger and spleen are companions for younger brothers. Stand. Suppose one called you a son of a whore behind your back. Wild. Why, then would I call him rascal be hind his back; so we're even. Stand. But suppose you had lost a mistress. Stand. But suppose you were discarded by the woman you love? that would surely trouble you. Wild. You're mistaken, colonel; my love is neither romantically honourable, nor meanly mer. cenary; 'tis only a pitch of gratitude; while she loves me, I love her; when she desists, the obligation's void. Stand. Then they must be grounded in your nature: for she's a rib of you, sir Harry. Wild. Here's a copy of verses, too: I must turn poet, in the devil's name-stay-'sdeath, what's here? This is her hand-oh, the charming characters!-[Reading.] My dear Wildair,'that's I, 'egad! this huff-bluff colonel'-that's Stand. But to be mistaken in your opinion, sir; he is the rarest fool in nature, the devil he if the lady Lurewell (only suppose it) had dis-is-and as such have I used him.'-With all carded you I say, only suppose it and had sent your discharge by me. Wild. Pshaw! that's another impossibility. Wild. Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why she's a rib of me, sir. She dances with me, sings with me, plays with me, swears with me, lies with me. Stand. How, sir? Wild. I mean in an honourable way; that is, she lies for me. In short, we are as like one another as a couple of guineas. my heart, faith- I had no better way of letting you know, that I lodge in St James's, near the Holy Lamb. Lurewell.'-Colonel, I am your most humble servant. Stand. Hold, sir, you sha'nt go yet; I ha'nt delivered half my message. Wild. Upon my faith but you have, colonel. Stand. Well, well, own your spleen; out with it; I know you're like to burst. Wild. I am so, 'egad; ha, ha, ha! [Laugh and point at one another. Stand. Aye, with all my heart, ha, ha, ha! Stand. Now that I have raised you to the high-well, well, that's forced, sir Harry. est pinnacle of vanity, will I give you so mortifying a fall, as shall dash your hopes to pieces. I pray your honour to peruse these papers, Wild. I was never better pleased in all my life, by Jupiter! [Gives him the packet. Wild. What is't, the muster-roll of your regiment, colonel ? Stand. No, no; 'tis a list of your forces in your last love compaign; and, for your comfort, all disbanded. Wild. Prithee, good metaphorical colonel, what d'ye mean? Stand. Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's leaves that will unfold your destiny. Wild. So it be not a false deed to cheat me of my estate, what care I-[Opening the packet.]— Humph! my hand! To the lady Lurewell-To the lady Lurewell-To the lady Lurewell—what the devil hast thou been tampering with, to conjure up these spirits? Stand. A certain familiar of your acquaintance, sir. Read, read. -force of Wild. [Reading.] Madam, my passion-so natural- -your beauty contending'charms-mankind-eternal admirer, Wildair.'I ne'er was ashamed of my name before. Stand. What, sir Harry Wildair out of humour! ha, ha, ha! poor sir Harry! more glory in her smile, than in the jubilee at Rome; ha, ha, ha! but then her foot, sir Harry; she dances to a miracle! ha, ha, ha! fie, sir Harry, a man of your parts write letters not worth keeping! what say'st thou, my dear knight-errant? ha, ha, ha! you may seek adventures now, indeed. Wild. [Sings.]-No, no, let her wander, &c. Stand. You are jilted to some tune, sir; blown up with false music, that's all. Stand. Well, sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide your concern, when there's no help for it. But, to be serious, now; the lady has sent you back all your papers there I was so just as not to look upon them. Wild. I'm glad on't, sir; for there were some things that I would not have you see. Stand. All this she has done for my sake, and I desire you would decline any further pretensions for your own sake. So, honest, good-natured sir Harry, I'm your humble servant. [Exit STANDARD. Wild. Ha, ha, ha! poor colonel? oh, the delight of an ingenious mistress! what a life and briskness it adds to an amour, like the loves of mighty Jove, still suing in different shapes. A legerdemain mistress, who, presto! pass! and she's vanished; then hey! in an instant in your arms again! [Going. Enter VIZARD. Viz. Well met, sir Harry-what news from the island of love? Wild. Faith, we made but a broken voyage by your chart; but now I'm bound for another port: I told you the colonel was my rival. Viz. The colonel-cursed misfortune! another. [Aside, Wild. But the civilest in the world; he brought me word where my mistress lodges. The story's too long to tell you now, for I must fly. Viz. What, have you given over all thoughts of Angelica? Wild. No, no; I'll think of her some other But now for the lady Lurewell. Wit and beauty call. Wild. Now, why should I be angry that a wo-time man is a woman? Since inconstancy and falsehood are grounded in their natures, how can they help it? That mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys, Her little am'rous frauds all truths excel, And make us happy, being deceived so well. [Exit. Viz. The colonel my rival, too!- -How shall I manage? There is but one way-him and the knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts t'other's throat, and the survivor's hanged: so there will be two rivals pretty decently disposed of. Since honour may oblige them to play the fool, why should not necessity engage me to play the knave? [Exit. SCENE III.-LADY LUREWELL'S Lodgings. Enter LUREWELL and PARLY. Lure. Has my servant brought me the money from my merchant? Par. No, madam: he met alderman Smuggler at Charing Cross, who has promised to wait on you himself immediately. Lure. 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend to love me, and at the same time cheat me of my money. Par. 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of your estate; for you say the writings are in his hands. Lure. But what satisfaction can I get of him? Oh, here he comes! Enter SMUGGler. Mr Alderman, your servant; have you brought me any money, sir? Smug. Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what with paying the taxes, raising the customs, losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives at home, the bank is reduced very low. Lure. Come, come, sir, these evasions won't serve your turn; I must have money, sir---I hope you don't design to cheat me? : Smug. Cheat you, madam !—have a care what you say I'm an alderman, madam- -Cheat you, madam! I have been an honest citizen these five-and-thirty years. Lure. An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly -I shall trap him in more lies presently. Come, sir, though I am a woman, I can take a course. Smug. What course, madam? You'll go to law, will ye? I can maintain a suit of law, be it right or wrong, these forty years, I am sure of that, thanks to the honest practice of the courts. Lure. Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin your credit. Smug. Blast my reputation! he, he, he! Why, I'm a religious man, madam; I have been very instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin my credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam you have a sweet leering eye. Lure. You instrumental in the reformation! How? Smug. I whipped all the whores, cut and longtail, out of the parish-Ah, that leering eye!Then, I voted for pulling down the playhouse Ah, that ogle, that ogle!-Then, my own pious example-Ah, that lip, that lip! Lure. Here's a religious rogue for you, now!— As I hope to be saved, I have a good mind to beat the old monster. Smug. Madam, I have brought you about a hundred and fifty guineas (a great deal of money, as times go) and Lure. Come, give them me. Smug. Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, white-I have brought it, you see; but the condition of the obligation is such, that whereas that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that-you understand me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you little rogue Lure. Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that he won't wench upon his own cost, but would bribe me with my own money. I'll be revenged. [Aside.] Upon my word, Mr Alderman, you make me blush,-what d'ye mean, pray? Smug. See here, madam. [Puts a piece of money in his mouth.] Buss and guinea, buss and guinea, buss and guinea. Lure. Well, Mr Alderman, you have such pretty winning ways, that I will, ha, ha, ha! Smug. Will you, indeed, he, he, he! my tle cocket? And when, and where, and how? lit Lure. 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure both our honours; you must therefore be disguised, Mr Alderman. Smug. Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; I'm not half so religious as I seem to be. You little rogue, why, I'm disguised as I am; our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy. Lure. No man is seen to come into this house after night-fall; you must therefore sneak in, when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes. Smug. With all my heart-I have a suit on purpose, my little cocket; I love to be disguised; 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman; 'ecod, I do. |