FARQUHAR.] 495 friends disowned me, and now my necessity | I have taken, since it was only to inform myself of the respect that I ought to pay to you. brings me to what you see. Cher. Then take my hand-promise to marry me before you sleep, and I'll make you master of two thousand pounds. Arch. How! Cher. Two thousand pounds that I have this minute in my own custody; so throw off your livery this instant, and I'll go find a parson. Arch. What said you? a parson? Cher. What do you scruple? [Going. Arch. Fairly bit, by Jupiter!-Hold, hold! and have you actually two thousand pounds? Cher. Sir, I have my secrets, as well as you→ when you please to be more open, I shall be more free; and be assured, that I have discoveries that will match yours, be they what they will.-In the mean while, be satisfied, that no discovery I make shall ever hurt you; but beware of my fa[Erit. Arch. Scruple! no, no; but-two thousand ther.pounds, you say? Cher. And better. -But harkye, child; what need you make me master of yourself and money, when you may have the same pleasure out of me, and still keep your fortune in your own hands? Arch. 'Sdeath! what shall I do? Cher. Then you wont marry me? Cher. O, sweet sir, I'm your humble servant; you're fairly caught. Would you persuade me that any gentleman, who could bear the scandal of wearing a livery, would refuse two thousand pounds, let the condition be what it would-No, no, sir-But I hope you'll pardon the freedom SCENE I.-Lady BOUNTIFUL'S house. Arch. So we're like to have as many adventures in our inn, as Don Quixotte had in his.Let me see-two thousand pounds! If the wench would promise to die when the money were spent, i'gad, one would marry her: but the fortune may go off in a year or two, and the wife may liveLord knows how long! Then an innkeeper's daughter! Aye, that's the devil-there my pride brings me off. For whatsoe'er the sages charge on pride, The angels' fall, and twenty faults beside; On earth, I'm sure, 'mong us of mortal calling, Pride saves man oft, and woman, too, from [Exit. falling. ACT III. Enter MRS SULLEN and DORINDA. Mrs Sul. Ha, ha, ha! my dear sister! let me embrace thee; now we are friends, indeed; for I shall have a secret of yours as a pledge for mine Now you'll be good for something; I shall have you conversible in the subjects of the sex. Dor. But do you think that I am so weak as to fall in love with a fellow at first sight? Mrs Sul. Pshaw! now you spoil all; why should not we be as free in our friendships as the men? I warrant you, the gentleman has got to his confidant already, has avowed his passion, toasted your health, called you ten thousand angels, has run over your lips, eyes, neck, shape, air, and every thing, in a description that warms their mirth to a second enjoyment. Dor. Your hand, sister: I an't well. Mrs Sul. So-she's breeding already-Come, child, up with it-hem a little-so-Now, tell like the gentleman that we saw me, don't at church just now? you Dor. The man's well enough. Mrs Sul. Shall I send to your mother, child, for a little cephalic plaster, to put to the soles of your feet? Or shall I send to the gentleman Mrs Sul. Well said; up with it. Dor. No forward coquette behaviour, no air to set him off, no studied looks, nor artful posture. -but nature did it all Mrs Sul. Better and bettermore-Come -One touch Dor. But then his looks-did you observe his eyes? Mrs Sul. Yes, yes, I did his eyes; well, what of his eyes? Dor. Sprightly, but not wandering; they seemed to view, but never gazed on any thing but me-and then his looks so humble were, and yet so noble, that they aimed to tell me, that he could with pride die at my feet, though he scorned slavery any where else. Mrs Sul. The physic works purely-How d'ye find yourself now, my dear? Dor. Hem! Much better, my dear-Oh, here comes our Mercury! Dor. Open it quickly; come. Scrub. In the first place, I enquired who the gentleman was? They told me he was a stranger. Secondly, I asked what the gentleman was? They answered and said, that they never saw him before. Thirdly, I enquired what countryman he was? They replied, 'twas more than they knew. Fourthly, I demanded whence he came ? Their answer was, they could not tell. And, fifthly, I asked whither he went? And they replied, they knew nothing of the matter-And this is all I could learn. Mrs Sul. But what do the people say? Can't they guess? Scrub. Why some think he's a spy, some guess he's a mountebank, some say one thing, some another; but, for my own part, I believe he's a jesuit. Dor. A jesuit! why a jesuit? Scrub. Because he keeps his horses always ready saddled, and his footman talks French. Mrs Sul. His footman! Scrub. Ay, he and the count's footman were gabbering French like two intriguing ducks in a mill-pond; and I believe they talked of me, for they laughed consumedly. Dor. What sort of livery has the footman? Scrub. Livery! Lord, madam, I took him for a captain, he's so bedizened with lace; and then he has tops to his shoes, up to his mid-leg, a silver-headed cane dangling at his knuckles:-he carries his hands in his pockets, and walks just so-[Walks in a French air.] and has a fine long perriwig, tied up in a bag-Lord, madam, he's clear another sort of a man than I. Mrs Sul. That may easily be- -But what shall we do now, sister? Dor. I have it-This fellow has a world of simplicity, and some cunning; the first hides the latter by abundance-Scrub! Scrub. Madam. Dor. We have a great mind to know who this gentleman is, only for our satisfaction. Scrub. Yes, madam, it would be a satisfaction, no doubt. Dor. You must go and get acquainted with his footman, and invite him hither to drink a bottle of your ale, because you're butler today. Scrub. Yes, madam; I am butler every Sunday. Mrs Sul. O brave sister! o' my conscience, you understand the mathematics already-Tis the best plot in the world! Your mother, you know, will be gone to church, my spouse will be got to the alehouse with his scoundrels, and the house will be our own-so we drop in by accident, and ask the fellow some questions ourselves. In the country, you know, any stranger is company, and we're glad to take up with the butler in a country dance, and happy if he will do us the favour, Scrub. Oh, madam, you wrong me; I never refused your ladyship the favour in my life. Enter GIPSEY. Gip. Ladies, dinner's upon table. Dor. Scrub, we'll excuse your waiting-Ge where we ordered you. Scrub. I shall. SCENE II.-Changes to the Inn. Enter AIMWELL and ARCHER. Arch. Well, Tom, I find you're a marksman. Aim. A marksman! who so blind could be as not discern a swan among the ravens ? Arch. Well, but hark'e, Aimwell. Aim. Aimwell! call me Oroondates, Cesario, Amadis, all that romance can in a lover paint, and then I'll answer. Oh, Archer! I read her thousands in her looks; she looked like Ceres in her harvest; corn, wine, and oil, milk, honey, gardens, groves, and purling streams, played on her plenteous face. Arch. Her face! her pocket, you mean! the corn, wine, and oil lie there. In short, she has twenty thousand pounds; that's the English on't. Aim. Her eyes Arch, Are demi-cannons, to be sure; so I won't stand their battery. [Going. Aim. Pray, excuse me; my passion must have vent. Arch. Passion! what a plague! d'ye think these romantic airs will do our business? were my temper as extravagant as yours, my adventures have something more romantic by half. Aim. Your adventures? Arch. Yes. The nymph, that with her twice ten hundred pounds, With brazen engine hot, and coif clear starched, 'Can fire the guest in warming of the bed' There's a touch of sublime Milton for you, and the subject but an innkeeper's daughter! I can play with a girl as an angler does with his fish; he keeps it at the end of his line, runs it up the stream, and down the stream, till at last he brings it to hand, tickles the trout, and so whips it into his basket. Arch. Pshaw! Damn your raptures! I tell you here's a pump going to be put into the vessel, and the ship will get into harbour, my life on't. You say there's another lady very handsome there? Aim. Yes, faith. Arch. I'm in love with her already. Aim. Can't you give me a bill upon Cherry in the mean time? Arch. No, no, friend; all her corn, wine, and oil is ingrossed to my market. And, once more, I warn you, to keep your anchorage clear of mine; for if you fall foul of me, by this light, you shall go to the bottom!--What! make a prize of my little frigate, while I'm upon the cruize for you? You're a pretty fellow indeed! [Exit ARCH. Enter BONIFACE. Aim. Well, well, I won't.-Landlord, have you any tolerable company in the house? I don't care for dining alone. Bon. Yes, sir; there's a captain below, as the saying is, that arrived about an hour ago. Aim. Gentlemen of his coat are welcome every where; will you make a compliment for me, and tell him, I should be glad of his company, that's all. Bon. Who shall I tell him, sir, would Aim. Ha! that stroke was well thrown inI'm only a traveller, like himself, and would be glad of his company, that's all. Bon. I obey your commands, as the saying is. [Erit BoN. Enter ARCHER. Arch. 'Sdeath! I had forgot; what title will you give yourself? Aim. My brother's, to be sure; he would never give me any thing else; so I'll make bold with his honour this bout. You know the rest of your cue? Arch. Ay, ay. Enter GIBBET. Gib. Sir, I'm yours. [Exit ARCH. Gib. Yes, sir, in the plantations; 'twas my lot to be sent into the worst service; I would have quitted it, indeed, but a man of honour, you know-Besides, 'twas for the good of my country that I should be abroad-Any thing for the good of one's country-I'm a Roman for that. Aim. One of the first, I'll lay my life. [Aside.] You found the West Indies very hot, sir? Gib. Ay, sir, too hot for me. Aim. Pray, sir, ha'nt I seen your face at Will's coffee-house? Gib. Yes, sir, and at White's, too. Aim. And where's your company, now, captain? Gib. They an't come yet. Aim. Why, d'ye expect them here? Gib. Across the country.-The devil's in't if I han't said enough to encourage him to declarebut I'm afraid he's not right, I must tack about. [Aside. Aim. Is your company to quarter at Litchfield? Gib. In this house, sir. Aim. What, all? Gib. My company is but thin, ha, ha, ha! we are but three, ha, ha, ha! Aim. You're merry, sir? Gib. Ay, sir; you must excuse me. Sir, I understand the world, especially the art of travelling. I don't care, sir, for answering questions directly upon the road-for I generally ride with a charge about me. [Aside. Aim. Three or four, I believe, Gib. I am credibly informed, that there are highwaymen upon this quarter; not, sir, that I could suspect a gentleman of your figure-But truly, sir, I have got such a way of evasion upon the road, that I don't care for speaking truth to any man. Aim. Your caution may be necessary-Then, I presume, you're no captain? Gib. Not I, sir; captain is a good travelling name, and so I take it; it stops a great many foolish inquiries that are generally made about gentlemen that travel: it gives a man an air of Aim. Tis more than I deserve, sir, for I don't something, and makes the drawers obedient know you. [Aside. Gib. I don't wonder at that, sir, for you never saw me before--I hope. Aim. And pray, sir, how came I by the honour of seeing you now? Gib. Sir, I scorn to intrude upon any gentleman-but my landlord Aim. O, sir, I ask your pardon; you're the captain he told me of? Gib. At your service, sir. Aim. What regiment, may I be so bold? VOL. II. Aim. What is he? Bon. A clergyman, as the saying is. Aim. A clergyman! Is he really a clergyman? or is it only his travelling name, as my friend, the captain, has it? Bon. O, sir, he's a priest, and chaplain to the French officers in town. Aim. Is he a Frenchman? Bon. Yes, sir, born at Brussels. Gib. A Frenchman, and a priest! I won't be seen in his company, sir; I have a value for my reputation, sir. Aim. Nay, but captain, since we are by ourselves-Can he speak English, landlord? Bon. Very well, sir; you may know him, as the saying is, to be a foreigner, by his accent, and that's all. Aim. Then he has been in England before? Bon. Never, sir, but he's master of languages, as the saying is; he talks Latin; it does me good to hear him talk Latin. Aim. Then you understand Latin, Mr Boniface? Bon. Not I, sir, as the saying is; but he talks it so very fast, that I'm sure it must be good. Aim. Pray, desire him to walk up. Bon. Here he is, as the saying is. Enter FOIGARD. Foig. Save you, gentlemens bote. servant. Foig. Och, dear joy, I am your most faithful shervant, and yours alsho. Gib. Doctor, you talk very good English; but you have a mighty twang of the foreigner. Foig. My English is very well for the vords, but we foreigners, you know, cannot bring our tongues about the pronunciation so soon. Aim. A foreigner! a downright Teague, by this light! [Aside.] Were you born in France, doctor? Foig. I was educated in France, but I was borned at Brussels: I am a subject of the king of Spain, joy. Gib. What king of Spain, sir? Speak. Foig. Upon my shoul, joy, I cannot tell you as yet. Aim. Nay, captain, that was too hard upon the doctor; he's a stranger. Foig. O let him alone, dear joy; I'm of a nation that is not easily put out of countenance. Aim. Come, gentlemen, I'll end the disputeHere, landlord, is dinner ready? Bon. Upon the table, as the saying is. fought? Årch. We never know of our masters' quarrels. Scrub. No! if our masters in the country here receive a challenge, the first thing they do is to tell their wives; the wife tells the servants, the servants alarm the tenants, and in half an hour you shall have the whole country up in arms. Arch. To hinder two men from doing what they have no mind for-But if you should chance to talk, now, of this business? Scrub. Talk! ah, sir, had I not learned the knack of holding my tongue, I had never lived so long in a great family. Arch. Ay, ay, to be sure, there are secrets in all families. Scrub. Secrets, O Lud!but I'll say no more-Come, sit down, we'll make an end of our tankard. Here Arch. With all my heart: who knows but you and I may come to be better acquainted, eh? -Here's your lady's health: you have three, I think; and to be sure there must be secrets among them, Scrub. Secrets! Ah! friend, friend !—I wish I had a friend. Arch. Am I not your friend? Come, you and I will be sworn brothers. Scrub. Shall we? Arch. From this minuteAnd now, brother Scrub Give me a kiss! Scrub. And, now, brother Martin, I will tell you a secret that will make your hair stand on end-You must know, that I am consumedly in love. Arch. That's a terrible secret, that's the truth on't. Scrub. That jade, Gipsey, that was with us [Exit foremost, they follow. just now in the cellar, is the arrantest whore that ever wore a petticoat, and I'm dying for love of | follow the hounds; on Thursday, I dun the teher. Arch. Ha, ha, ha!Are you in love with her person, or her virtue, brother Scrub? Scrub. I should like virtue best, because it's more durable than beauty: for virtue holds good with some women, long and many a day after they have lost it. Arch. In the country, I grant ye, where no woman's virtue is lost, till a bastard be found. Scrub. Ay, could I bring her to a bastard, I should have her all to myself; but I dare not put it upon that lay, for fear of being sent for a soldier-Pray, brother, how do you gentleinen in London like that same pressing act? 'Tis the Arch. Very ill, brother Scrubworst that ever was made for us; formerly, I remember the good days when we could dun our masters for our wages, and if they refused to pay us, we could have a warrant to carry them before a justice; but now, if we talk of eating, they have a warrant for us, and carry us before three justices. Scrub. And to be sure we go, if we talk of eating; for the justices won't give their own servants a bad example. Now, this is my misfor-I dare not speak in the house, while that jade, Gipsey, dings about like a fury-Once I had the better end of the staff. tune Arch. And how comes the change now? nants; on Friday, I go to market; on Saturday, I draw warrants; and on Sunday, I draw beer. Arch. Ha, ha, ha! if variety be a pleasure in life, you have enough on't, my dear brotherBut what ladies are those? Scrub. Ours, ours; that upon the right hand is Mrs Sullen, and the other Mrs Dorinda-Don't mind them; sit still, man— Enter MRS SULLEN and DORINDA. Mrs Sul. I have heard my brother talk of my lord Aimwell; but they say that his brother is the finer gentleman. say. Dor. That's impossible, sister. Mrs Sul. He's vastly rich, and very close, they Dor. No matter for that; if I can creep into his heart, I'll open his breast, I warrant him: I have heard say, that people may be guessed at by the behaviour of their servants; I could wish we might talk to that fellow. Mrs Sul. So do I; for I think he's a very pretty fellow: come this way; I'll throw out à lure for him presently. [They walk a turn to the opposite side of the stage. MRS SULLEN drops her fan; ARCHER runs, takes it up, and gives it to her.] Arch. Corn, wine, and oil, indeed!--But I think Scrub. Why, the mother of all this mischief is the wife has the greatest plenty of flesh and a priest. Arch. A priest! Scrub. Ay, a damned son of a whore of Babylon, that came over hither to say grace to the French officers, and eat up our provisionsThere's not a day goes over his head without a dinner or supper in this house. Arch. How came he so familiar in the family? Scrub. Because he speaks English, as if he had lived here all his life, and tells lies, as if he had been a traveller from his cradle. Arch. And this priest, I'm afraid, has converted the affections of your Gipsey. Scrub. Converted! ay, and perverted, my dear friend-for I'm afraid he has made her a whore and a papist-But this is not all; there's the French count and Mrs Sullen; they're in confederacy, and for some private end of their own, too, to be sure. Arch. A very hopeful family, yours, brother Scrub! I suppose the maiden lady has her lover, too? Serub. Not that I know-She's the best of them, that's the truth on't: but they take care to prevent my curiosity, by giving me so much business, that I am a perfect slave :-What d'ye think is my place in this family? Arch. Butler, I suppose. Scrub. Ah Lord help your silly head!-I'll tell you-Of a Monday, I drive the coach; of a Tuesday, I drive the plough; on Wednesday, I blood; she should be my choice-Ay, ay, say you so- -Madam- your ladyship's fan. Mrs Sul. O sir, I thank yousome bow the fellow made! -What a hand Dor. Bow! Why, I have known several footmen come down from London, set up here for dancing-masters, and carry off the best fortunes in the country. Arch. [Aside.] That project, for aught I know, had been better than ours-Brother Scrub, why don't you introduce me? Scrub. Ladies, this is the strange gentleman's servant that you saw at church to-day; I understood he came from London; and so I invited him to the cellar, that he might shew me the newest flourish in whetting my knives. Dor. And I hope you have made much of him? Arch. O yes, madam; but the strength of your ladyship's liquor is a little too potent for the constitution of your humble servant. Mrs Sul. What, then, you don't usually drink ale? Arch. No, madam; my constant drink is tea, or a little wine and water; 'tis prescribed me by the physician, for a remedy against the spleen. Scrub. O la! O la-a footman have the spleen Mrs Sul. I thought that distemper had been only proper to people of quality. Arch. Madam, like all other fashions, it wears out, and so descends to their servants; though, |