JEPTHA LEATHERS;

OR THE PHILOSOPHY OF FAILURE.

of all our designs, that the egg of our valor has bursted in the roasting, leaving nothing but the brittle shell, and we are as tame and submissive as a brick bat, whilst our spirit is rapidly coursing towards a different pole from that of its original direction.

The erudite and renowned Baron Von Ramzhauser, in his "Mémoire sur l'art de penser," divides the great family of human pains and Our neighbor is blest with a revelation, that labor pleasures into two grand groups or classes: the is a nuisance, and turning his tools into "funds," Anticipative and the Actual,-placing the former in the front rank, because it is the largest class, and the first to be encountered in the great battle of life.

he makes a short hand fortune. Whereupon our means are presto turned into lots in the city of Bubbleton, and the fallacy is dormant until the "depreciation of property" shows that Bubbleton However correct this classification may be in is a humbug, and our enterprize a day after the general, there are particular cases where both are feast. We read of Patrick Henry's wonderful united, and where we enjoy or suffer in reality," rise and progress," and we see and appreciate the what we have already enjoyed or suffered in thrilling display of patriotic and popular oratory anticipation. But these are the exceptions and not the rule. Every body will doubtless concur with the Baron, that a large, and perhaps the largest portion of our joys and sorrows exist alone in our imagination. So are the major portion of our plans and policies of life generated, matured, and exhausted in our own anticipations, we modestly declining to startle the world by their wonderful advent and development.

made by our friend, Jake Jenkins, since he has abjured the sledge-hammer, and we forthwith forsake the plough handles, and mount the stump in support of the people's rights. We find that our organ of language is awkwardly developed, and our inventive and reasoning faculties very much out of gear, while our words, instead of rolling out in torrents, as per calculation, are given to sticking about the throat, and finally have to be swallowed down.

Thus it is, that we move on in helpless and provoking departure from the right line of conformity to our anticipated destiny: and hence the great number of men and women who are every where so benevolently engaged in regulating each other's affairs, the number of regulators being proportioned to the amount of irregularity.

But by pursuing the inquiry still further, we find that we are not only prone to failure in our anticipations, but there seems to be a usage, that has perhaps become a law in human affairs, which leads us to realize those very things which our anticipations have not only overlooked, but held in entire contempt and abhorrence. From an ignorance of this law of human progress, arise more chagrin and moral misfortune, than from all other sources Amongst the vast multitude of irregulars who united; and the study of this law in detail consti- are living and breathing without the sphere of tutes what is technically termed "experience," anticipation, very prominently stands Mr. Jeptha which the old people tell us, we will continue to Leathers. Where Jeptha came from particularly, learn, if we live as long as they have lived. Who or what was his early history, are points not is there, that has not already planed out his entire material to the subject, but according to his own career, marked and illustrated by suitable and account he was "well raised," and "it was said" copious achievements of usefulness and renown all that he sprang from one of those numerous 66 first along the way? And yet, who, that has travelled families," which have so plentifully peopled the any considerable portion of his way, has not strayed south-west in these latter years. He was certainly so far from the blazed trail, that it is lost sight of in a man of much bearing. He was, at the time a forest of scenes and deeds, of which his original alluded to, bold, gallant, and daring, knowing no survey had no marks except those of caution and such thing as fear or misgiving under the most reprobation? This is the fruit of short sightedness: trying circumstances. Valor and vigor constituted we measure our corn by the basket of another, and the outer coat of his composition, and his inner when tried by our own bushel, the cobs will not man was all firm resolve. He was a bachelor of hold out. We see or read of the gallant exploits thirty, and as all bachelors have, so had he, a of a great warrior hero; we contemplate his noble system of courtship, and also a set of rules and courage and daring spirit, and we are apt to feel a duties which were certain to happify and prosper glow of martial valor within us. Without exam- the conjugal state. He harped lengthily upon, ining the tissue and calibre of our own particular and discussed ably the whole question of " marrital casement, to ascertain the probabilities of its rights," and understood perfectly the proper posiremaining there for use when needed, we fall tion of all parties to the compact. When it was straightway to forming plans, and getting up currently and credibly reported, that a poor fellow occasions for its demonstration. But when our of the neighborhood was thrust out of doors by his manœuvres have been successful in raising a crisis, larger and "better half," the moral sense of we call on our courage and find, to the frustration Leathers was terribly shocked. And when he

was further told that the neighbor aforesaid had assume the paternal control of her six boys, who the comforts of a shuck-pen, in which to console himself for the night, his very whiskers rose up with vengeance.

"Its all owin," said he, "to foolishness, to not understanding one another's rights; ef I was married I could get along with any woman in the world, because I'd jest tell 'em what was right at the start, and not spile 'em like most fellows do. But before I'd be druv up an tucked under in that way, I'd be a dog at once, and stay under the house; jest let me get married an ketch me at that pass, an then cut my ears off with a hand-saw."

Jeptha was quite a beau, and made all his anticipative inroads upon fortune's domains under matrimonial colors; in other words, he lived in the full enjoyment of imaginative matrimony, with a fortune included; for with him, it was out of the question to marry without 'boot." His considerate parents had brought him up under the maxim, that "when want comes in at the door, love jumps out at the window." Our hero had exercised his governmental powers, in imagination, until his faith in their reality was as strong as it was in the moon's power over turnips, or the influence of the dog-days on snake-bites, when there occurred to him an opening for their exercise in practice.

were now getting unmanageably large in her hands. Although marrying a widow was rather opposed to his favorite maxim, "bend a tree while it is young and it will grow so," yet he was well satisfied that Mrs. Jowers needed no bending, for whether it was by accident or former training he cared not, as the fact was indisputable, that her mental and moral temperament was exactly suited to the place which he designed her to occupy. He was much given to expatiate to himself upon the elegibility of the affair. “I always thought,” he would say, "that I'd hit the nail upon the head after awhile; them may hurry as will, but I never would of married in the world, ef I couldn't of got jest exactly suited. Some marry for the sake of property, and some jest to get what they call a good, or purty wife, but I'll be hanged ef I didn't always know that I'd get all when I got married,— ketch this child asleep."

There are strange coincidences forever occurring, which are enough to make the most learned skeptic believe in a special Providence.

Mrs. Jowers had for sometime seriously felt the necessity of stronger hands to control such of her affairs as were too weighty for a "poor lone woman." And when Leathers had so far screwed Mrs. Jemima Jowers was a gay and handsome up his courage as to present arms, the engagement widow of forty-five. Sprightly and withal had the became so warm, that a victory was inevitable, universal reputation of being a "business woman," though the surrender was not specifically at diswhich particular trait greatly delighted the antici-cretion.

pations of Jeptha Leathers. She had been a The affair was consummated after the fashion of widow about ten years, during which time she had the day and country: Jeptha Leathers was now in paid off a heavy debt, and very considerably his prime, and like the adventurous Balboa when improved and enlarged the estate. Universal in the Pacific, he was up to his arm-pits in possessympathy is always drawn towards the widow; to sion. It was really refreshing to the hearts of his condole with her over her great bereavement and neighbors to surround him and listen to his inflaheavy responsibility, while the most head-shaking tions on his present and future affairs. He had fears are poured forth, that she will ultimately fall all the appurtenances and fixtures necessary to through, bringing her family to want, and failing to carry out all his vast schemes of greatness, and educate her children, bring them up destitute of was rapidly rising to the acme of his ambition,— both mental and monetary stores on which to start the big man of his neighborhood,-when he began in the world. And yet the sage "lords of creation" have their kind-hearted sagacity almost universally rebuked by the managing talents, and thrifty concerns of the widow. During all the "pressure" and "hard times" which of late years have fattened the lawyers and sheriffs of the country, the widow has steadily held her own, and very rarely is she to be found, who has not come out better than she set in. If perchance a few be found who have fallen into the embarrassed crowd, they are generally suffering the fruits of entailed folly, and the whole number will not weigh a feather in the scale against the great army of the used up amongst the

sterner sex.

The widow Jowers was "well to do in the world," and in the opinion of our gallant hero, in want of nothing but the guardianship of some “business man" to manage her out door affairs, and

to feel an invisible sort of influence, gently but steadily drawing the lines, curbing the bit, and consequently, rather baulking his speed.

The wise and benevolent Mother Goose has given us many valuable moral lessons, but some how or other, we are apt to forget them before the time comes round at which they are of most use to us. Could our couple but have remembered, and acted on the sound lesson taught in the case of Mr. Spratt and his wife, and one have eaten the "fat" of their cares, and the other been content with the "lean," there can be no doubt that their domestic peace would have been as "clean" as was the platter of Mr. Spratt and his good lady. But the good lady of Mr. Leathers took a different view of the matter, and in consideration of his deficiency in years and experience, she was rather disposed to assign him the position of "little Jack Horner,"

without, however, furnishing him with the precise | household whom he encountered, was a little negro kind of wherewithal with which the said John Jr. with a bucket of water, all of which he capsized,

with a single application of his foot, and no sooner did the negro squall, than did the mistress bawl.

is said to have regaled himself. This course was suitable neither to the principles nor practice of Jeptha, but came in direct conflict with all his pre- "Aint this a purty pass to come to, that a body conceived notions. In fact, it upset his whole can't get along in peace in their own house, I system, as maturely made out, and often revealed won't suffer it, that I won't." This last sentence to his friends who had had the misfortune to go being uttered in a sort of nervous scream, wrought before him in the difficulties of connubial discrep-a wonderful effect upon Mr. Leathers, and it ancy. Mr. Leathers felt the need of no prompter, required much concentration of his courage to further than the suggestions of his own mature reply, which he did by saying in a tone which wisdom, while Jemima manifested much kindness spoke more sorrow than anger.

I

"I'll have my way or die."

"You may have your way and die, too, for what care, but I'll show you that I'll do as I please with my own business."

in volunteering her advice and directions in regard to his business operations. She was prone to dwell upon her own qualifications, and to back her arguments by reference to her own history, in which she had much advantage over her dear Whether it was his moral or physical philosophy man, as his history lay altogether, so far as busi- that prevailed is uncertain, but a happy determinaness habits were concerned, in the mazes of tion suddenly seized him, to try a fit of stiff-necked imagination, and what are the most ingenious and obstinacy, for he had not conceived the idea that learned theories, when brought in conflict with Mrs. Leathers could possibly forego his smiles for actual facts? Thus Mr. and Mrs. Leathers con- any considerable length of time. So swearing tinued to attend to their respective duties according ferociously that he would have "nothing more to to their own notions of their limits, and were do with her or her things," he skulked off. consequently often detected by each other in tres- Night came, but no supper was on hand, and passing upon one another's rights. Every breeze poor Jeptha went to bed without it. By sunrise grew a little stronger than the last, and finally it next morning his gun was heard amongst the seemed that a tempest must come; indeed, it some- squirrels, and about breakfast time, he set up one times occurred to the mind of Jeptha, that a regular blast was the only means of getting things "in a proper fix to be righted up."

"Didn't I tell you sir to plough to-day," said Mr. Leathers to his man Jack, on returning from hunting one day.

of his old time, jovial whistles,—not doubting that` by this time Jemima's ire had abated, and that she would be more than glad to meet him on the neutral ground of the breakfast table. Just as he entered the yard, he saw her leave the pantry, but he saw or heard nothing of the breakfast. There was no

"Yes ir, but missus told me to hoe de garden cook to be found, and no living soul to whom he sir."

"Who told you to hoe the garden ?"

“I did sir,” emphatically said Mrs. Leathers, who by this time had made her appearance with her apron thrown aury over her head, and her left arm a-kimbo, "I did, and I wonder who had a better right."

Nobody haint got no right to discommand my orders about my own business," replied Jeptha.

"Well I reckon I've got a right to do as I please with my own negroes," was the decisive response. Jeptha at once saw the perils of his predicament, and felt deeply the humility of his degree as defined by his "better half."

could look for relief but the unapproachable antagonist of his high resolves. He went to the pantry, the dairy, and even to the smoke-house, but all were locked, and Mrs. Leathers had the keys on her apron string. Here was a difficulty for which neither experience nor calculation had prepared him.

What are all the promises and prospects of poor human life? Why should a man say to himself, I will do this or that, that good may follow? Why should vain man work schemes and manoeuvres to provide a competency whereon to feast and fatten in the days of his ease, when every change of the wind may blow him bare, and every swell of the "I won't stand it," said he, giving his horse a tides throw him high and dry upon the beach of kick; "its a getting too often, its an everlasting starvation? "Verily what shadows we are, and ding dong, and never no satisfaction at nothin, I'd what shadows we pursue!" Such were the like to know how I'm to carry on business when thoughts which might have occupied the head of every body's got a finger in the pie, I'll have a Jeptha Leathers at the particular time of which purty crap of it, an it gits worse an worse." By we speak, had something more substantial occupied this kind of eloquent cogitation he worked himself his stomach; but for the present, metaphysical up into a perfect paroxysm of wrath and reckless- disquisitions, and all that sort of thing, had to give way to his physical cravings. He went to all the doors and pulled at them, as though he expected they were unlocked, and he whistled and fumbled

ness.

“I won't stand it," he again exclaimed, and into the house he rushed. The first member of the

about the shelves, in hopes that the relenting | pantaloons were always kindly open at the pockets woman would ask what he was hunting, and thus to accommodate his retiring hands, and were gently bring about a parley, and consequently a compro- curved forward at the knee, ready moulded to suit mise. But she was too much of a "business his position on the fence, the door-steps, or such woman" to be caught by such a snare, so she other elevated place as he might choose or chance looked straight at the fire and knit as though she to assume. His shoes had thrown off the useless was hired by the job. At length the spirit of the restraints of artificial society, wholly eschewed poor fellow gave way, and the gasping appetite every thing like blacking or strings, and modestly spoke out for itself. "Aint there no cold vittles?" bowed down in the rear, to save their master the Said he pensively, as he scratched his head with useless trouble of lifting his foot, or stooping to one hand, and ran the other into his pocket. Mrs. pull up the heels. Leathers saw the strength of her position and It has been frequently said that "all things are resolved to make the final charge. May be for the best," and we know that many of the there's some in the kitchen," said she, "and if brightest ornaments of the human family took there aint, you can have some cooled, if you'll wait their ground start in captivity, or extreme adver'til dinner." Jeptha felt that he had met his Wa-sity. Indeed to aspiring spirits, there is nothing terloo, and yielded like a soldier, surrendering at so wholesome and invigorating as an occasional discretion. brushing over by the lashes of necessity and privaFrom this time onward he was an altered man; tion. It gives time for reflection, and the supehis haughty spirit was melted into the most plastic riority of second thoughts is proverbial. It not humility, and all his acquaintances spoke of him as only adds to the maturity of plans for future a very "good meaning sort of a man," and the progress, but it exercises a sort of whetting ladies particularly cited him as a pattern of hus-process upon the thinking powers, rendering them bands. Whenever it was necessary to speak of brighter and more acute for future use. So it was his possessions, it was our negroes, our horses, our house. And it was said, that he carried the division even down to our hat, our boots, and

our

But we were going to remark, that habit is second nature; at least, it was so with Mrs. Leathers; for she had been so long in the habit of managing her own business, that it was impossible to give it up without a struggle, and with her, a struggle was tantamount to a triumph. So that what she designed in the outset for an equitable monarchy, she finally reduced to an absolute despotism. Defeats seem to be governed by some regular law which makes each one accelerate the next, and our hero was very soon routed "horse, foot, and dragoon;" and like Santa Anna in the hands of the Texians, "he concluded to remain a prisoner."

with Jeptha Leathers; he was not brought up to reading, and was greatly in want of some wholesome mental employment with which to drive off the dreadful irksomeness of his solitary hours. Dr. Franklin said, that the most unhappy condition in which a man could be placed, was to have nothing to read of a rainy day. Every day was equal to a rainy day with Mr. Leathers.

It happened luckily one day, while he was sitting in one of his dreariest moods, that Major Briggins, who was a candidate for the Legislature, and out upon a sort of electioneering scout, came upon him with all his pockets full of newspapers, and other "documents," which he proceeded to read to him, with copious comments of his own by the way. He soon discovered that he had awakened an interest in Jeptha, that would do to operate on further; so on taking leave, he insisted on leaving his papers with him to peruse at his leisure. By the time Major Briggins came round on his second tour, Mr. Leathers was a full convert to his cause, and the Major had the pleasure of remitting his name and money as a subscriber to his favorite party papers. Our hero now began to wear a more contented aspect, and retired to his shady retreats after dinner with quite a jovial whistle. So delighted did he soon become with his papers, that even the dinner horn would often pass by unheeded. For long hours would he sit or lie in some sequestered shade," and pore over the ranting reasonings of some Congress statesman, or the lucid logic, and random rumors of a "special correspondent," until the friendly buzz of some quart or so of musquitoes would set him violently to boxing his own ears, and thus bring to his recollection that night was His fast falling upon him. So retired in his habits did

As it was rather unpleasant to remain immediately under the guns of the enemy, and as he was completely disarmed, he was suffered to roam about within prison bounds. Day by day he took up his position in some shady place, on the fence, where he would sit and whittle sticks, and chew tobacco, until the horn blew him home to dinner, or the darkness of night drove him in. As he sauntered about from one resting place to another, his whole gait and outer integuments betokened the deepest humility and contrition of spirit. His hat gracefully flapped down before, as a sort of barrier betwixt his retiring countenance and the outer world. His whiskers, which in former times had stood up manfully to his countenance, now dropped down. His coat seemed to hang back as though it was afraid to go with him, and was ready to desert upon the slightest intimation of danger.

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