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thirty miles from town. They alighted out of the coach near a small foot-path in a field, and Glumdalclitch setting down my travelling box, I went ouť of it to walk. There was a cow-dung in the path, and I must need try my activity by attempting to leap over it. I took a run, but unfortunately jumped short, and found myself just in the middle, up to my knees. I waded through with some difficulty, and one of the footmen wiped me as clean as he could with his handkerchief; for I was filthily bemired, and my nurse confined me to my box, till we returned home ; where the queen was soon informed of what had passed, and the footmen spread it about the court; so that all the mirth for some days was at my expense.
Several contrivances of the author, to please the king
and queen. He shows his skill in musick. The king inquires into the state of England, which the author relates to him. The king's observations thereon,
Used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had often seen him under the basber's hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to be hold: for the razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary sithe. His majesty, according to the custom of the country, was only shaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked forty or
fifty of the strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal distances with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife toward the points, that I made a very tolerable comb ; which was a seasonable supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless : neither did I know any artist in that country so
nice and exact, as would undertake to make me • another.
And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of my leisure hours. I desired the queen's woman to save for me the combings of her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and consulting with my friend the cabinetmaker, who had received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore little holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I designed the backs and seats ; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out, just after the inanner of cane chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a present of them to her majesty ; who kept them in her cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of every one that beheld them. The queen would have had me sit upon one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would rather die a thousand deaths, than place a dishonourable part of my body, on those precious hairs, that once adorned her majesty's head. Of these hairs (as I had always a mechanical
genius) genius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty's name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch by the queen's consent. To
To say the truth, it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls are fond of.
The king, who delighted in musick, had frequent concerts at court, to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear them : but the noise was so great, that I could hardly distinguish the tunes. I am confident, that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army, beating and sounding to: gether just at your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and draw the window-curtains ; after which I found their musick not disagreeable.
I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet. Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a week to teach her : I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy came into my head; that I would entertain the king and queen with an English tune, upon this instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: for the spinet was near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to ábove five keys, and to press them down required á good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The me
thod I contrived was this: I prepared two round sticks about the bigness of common cudgels ; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends with a piece of a mouse's skin, that by rapping on them, I might neither damage the tops of the keys, 'nor interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon it that way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of both their majesties; but it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor consequently play the bass and treble together, as other artists do; which was a great disadvantage to my performance.
The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my box, and set upon the table in his closet : he would then command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty, that the contempt he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem answerable to those excellent qualities of mind, that he was master of: that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were usually least provided with it: that among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service. The king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired I would give him as exact an account of the government of England as I possibly could ; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their own customs, (for so he conjectured of other monarchs by my former discourses) he should be glad to hear of any thing that might deserve imitation.
Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the'. praise of my own dear native country, in a style equal to its merits and felicity.
I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under one sovereign, beside our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke at large upon the constitution of an English parliament; partly
of an illustrious body, called the house of peers ; persons of the noblest blood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I described that extraordinary care always taken of their education, in arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king and kingdom ; to have a share in the legislature ; to be members of the highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal ; and to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by their valour,