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. . . A woman is quite a different thing, said the Corporal. . . . I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby.
TOBIAS SMOLLETT (1721–1771) FROM HUMPHRY CLINKER
To SIR WATKIN PHILLIPs, of Jesus COLLEGE, OxON
Edinburgh, August 8.
If I stay much longer at Edinburgh, I shall be changed into a downright Caledonian. My uncle observes that I have already acquired Something of the country accent. The people here are so social and attentive in their civilities to strangers, that I am insensibly sucked into the channel of their manners and customs, although they are in fact much more different from ours than you can imagine. That difserence, however, which struck me very much at my first arrival, I now hardly perceive, and my ear is perfectly reconciled to the Scotch accent, which I find even agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman. It is a sort of Doric dialect, which gives an idea of amiable simplicity. You Cannot imagine how we have been caressed and feasted in the good town of Edinburgh, of which we are become free denizens and guildbrothers, by the special favour of the magistracy.
I had a whimsical commission from Bath to a citizen of this metropolis. Quin, understanding our intention to visit Edinburgh, pulled out a guinea, and desired the favour I would drink it at a tavern, with a particular friend and bottle companion of his, one Mr. R. C–, a lawyer of this city. I charged myself with the commission, and taking the guinea, “You see,” said I, “I have pocketed your bounty.”—“Yes,” replied Quin, laughing, “and a headache into the bargain, if you drink fair.” I made use of this introduction to Mr. C—, who received me with open arms, and gave me the rendezvous, according to the Cartel. He had provided a company of jolly fellows, among whom I found myself extremely happy, and did Mr. C and Quin all the justice in my power; but, alas! I was no more than a tyro among a troop of veterans, who had Compassion on my youth, and conveyed me home in the morning, by what means I know not. Quin was mistaken, however, as to the
headache; the claret was too good to treat me So roughly.
While Mr. Bramble holds conferences with the graver literati of the place, and our females are entertained at visits by the Scotch ladies, who are the best and kindest creatures on earth, I pass my time among the bucks of Edinburgh, who, with a great share of spirit and vivacity, have a certain shrewdness and self-command that is not often found among their neighbours in the heyday of youth and exultation. Not a hint escapes a Scotchman that can be interpreted into offence by any individual of the company; and national reflections are never heard. In this particular, I must own, we are both unjust and ungrateful to the Scotch; for, as far as I am able to judge, they have a real esteem for the natives of South Britain; and never mention our country but with expressions of regard. Nevertheless, they are far from being servile imitators of our modes and fashionable vices. All their customs and regulations of public and private economy, of business and diversion, are in their own style, This remarkably predominates in their looks, their dress, and manner, their music, and even their cookery. Our squire declares, that he knows not another people on earth so strongly marked with a national character. Now we are on the article of cookery, I must own some of their dishes are savoury, and even delicate; but I am not yet Scotchman enough to relish their singed sheep's-head and haggis, which were provided at our request one day at Mr. Mitchelson's, where we dined. The first put me in mind of the history of Congo, in which I read of negroes' heads sold publicly in the markets; the last, being a mess of minced lights, livers, suet, oatmeal, onions, and pepper, enclosed in a sheep's stomach, had a very sudden effect on mine, and the delicate Mrs. Tabby changed colour; when the cause of our disgust was instantaneously removed at the nod of our entertainer. The Scotch in general are attached to this composition, with a sort of national fondness, as well as to their oatmeal bread; which is presented at every table, in thin triangular cakes, baked on a plate of iron, called a girdle; and these many of the natives, even in the higher ranks of life, prefer to wheaten bread, which they have here in perfection. You know we used to vex poor Murray, of Balliol College, by asking, if there was really no fruit but turnips in Scotland 1 Sure enough I have seen turnips make their appearance, not as a dessert, but by way of hors d'ouvres, or whets, as radishes are served up betwixt more substantial dishes in France and Italy; but it must be observed, that the turnips of this country are as much superior in sweetness, delicacy, and flavour, to those of England, as a musk-melon is to the stock of a common cabbage. They are small and conical, of a yellowish colour, with a very thin skin; and over and above their agreeable taste, are valuable for their antiscorbutic quality. As to the fruit now in season, such as cherries, gooseberries, and currants, there is no want of them at Edinburgh; and in the gardens of some gentlemen who live in this neighbourhood, there is now a very favourable appearance of apricots, peaches, nectarines, and even grapes; nay, I have seen a very fine show of pine-apples within a few miles of this metropolis. Indeed, we have no reason to be surprised at these particulars, when we consider how little difference there is, in fact, betwixt this climate and that of London. All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues, for ten miles around, we have visited, much to our satisfaction. In the castle are some royal apartments, where the sovereign occasionally resided; and here are carefully preserved the regalia of the kingdom, consisting of a crown, said to be of great value, a sceptre, and a sword of state, adorned with jewels. Of these symbols of sovereignty the people are exceedingly jealous. A report being spread, during the sitting of the union parliament, that they were removed to London, such a tumult arose, that the lord commissioner would have been torn in pieces if he had not produced them for the satisfaction of the populace. The palace of Holyrood-house is an elegant piece of architecture, but sunk in an obscure, and, as I take it, unwholesome bottom, where one would imagine it had been placed on purpose to be concealed. The apartments are iosty, but unfurnished; and as for the pictures of the Scottish kings, from Fergus I to King William, they are paltry daubings, mostly by the same hand, painted either from the imagination, or porters hired to sit for the purpose. All the diversions of London we enjoy at Edinburgh in a small compass. Here is a wellconducted concert, in which several gentlemen perform on different instruments. The Scots are all musicians. Every man you meet plays on the flute, the violin, or violoncello; and there is one nobleman whose compositions are universally admired. Our company of actors is very tolerable; and a subscription is now on foot for building a new theatre: but their
assemblies please me above all other public exhibitions. We have been at the hunters' ball, where I was really astonished to see such a number of fine women. The English, who have never crossed the Tweed, imagine, erroneously, that the Scotch ladies are not remarkable for personal attractions; but I can declare with a safe conscience I never saw so many handsome females together as were assembled on this occasion. At the Leith races, the best company comes hither from the remoter provinces; so that, I suppose, we had all the beauty of the kingdom concentrated as it were into one focus; which was indeed so vehement, that my heart could hardly resist its power. Between friends, it has sustained some damage from the bright eyes of the charming Miss R–, whom I had the honour to dance with at the ball. The countess of Melville attracted all eyes, and the admiration of all present. She was accompanied by the agreeable Miss Grieve, who made many conquests: nor did my sister Liddy pass unnoticed in the assembly. She is become a toast at Edinburgh, by the name of the Fair Cambrian, and has already been the occasion of much wine-shed; but the poor girl met with an accident at the ball, which has given us great disturbance. A young gentleman, the express image of that rascal Wilson, went up to ask her to dance a minuet; and his sudden appearance shocked her so much, that she fainted away. I call Wilson a rascal, because if he had been really a gentleman, with honourable intentions, he would have ere now appeared in his own char acter. I must own, my blood boils with indigo nation when I think of that fellow's presumption; and Heaven confound me if I don't — but I won't be so womanish as to railtime will perhaps furnish occasion—thank God, the cause of Liddy's disorder remains a secret. The lady-directress of the ball, thinking she was overcome by the heat of the place, had her conveyed to another room, where she soon recovered so well, as to return and join in the country dances, in which the Scotch lasses acquit themselves with such spirit and agility, as put their partners to the height of their mettle. I believe our aunt, Mrs. Tabitha, had entertained hopes of being able to do so." execution among the cavaliers at this assembly: She had been several days in consultation with milliners and mantua-makers, preparing * the occasion, at which she made her appearano in a full suit of damask, so thick and hea"), that the sight of it alone, at this season of the year, was sufficient to draw drops of sweat from any man of ordinary imagination. She danced one minuet with our friend Mr. Mitchelson, who favoured her so far, in the spirit of hospitality and politeness; and she was called out a second time by the young laird of Balymawhaple, who, coming in by accident, could not readily find any other partner; but as the first was a married man, and the second paid no particular homage to her charms, which were also overlooked by the rest of the company, she became dissatisfied and censorious. At supper, she observed that the Scotch gentlemen made a very good figure, when they were a little improved by travelling; and, therefore, it was pity they did not all take the benefit of going abroad. She said the women were awkward, masculine creatures; that, in dancing, they lifted their legs like so many colts; that they had no idea of graceful motion; and put on their clothes in a frightly manner: but if the truth must be told, Tabby herself was the most ridiculous figure, and the worst dressed, of the whole assembly. The neglect of the male sex rendered her malcontent and peevish; she now found fault with everything at Edinburgh, and teased her brother to leave the place, when she was suddenly reconciled to it on a religious consideration. There is a sect of fanatics, who have separated themselves from the established kirk, under the name of Seceders. They acknowledge no earthly head of the Church, reject lay patronage, and maintain the Methodist doctrines of the new birth, the new light, the efficacy of grace, the insufficiency of works, and the operations of the spirit. Mrs. Tabitha, attended by Humphry Clinker, was introduced to one of their conventicles, where they both received much edification; and she has had the good fortune to become acquainted with a pious Christian, called Mr. Moffat, who is very powerful in prayer, and often assists her in private exercises of devotion. I never saw such a concourse of genteel company at any races in England, as appeared on the course of Leith. Hard by, in the fields called the Links, the citizens of Edinburgh divert themselves at a game called golf, in which they use a curious kind of bats tipped with horn, and small elastic balls of leather, stuffed with feathers, rather less than tennisballs, but of a much harder consistence. This they strike with such force and dexterity from 9ne hole to another, that they will fly to an incredible distance. Of this diversion the
Scots are so fond, that when the weather will permit, you may see a multitude of all ranks, from the Senator of justice to the lowest tradesman, mingled together, in their shirts, and following the balls with the utmost eagerness. Among others, I was shown one particular set of golfers, the youngest of whom was turned of fourscore. They were all gentlemen of independent fortunes, who had amused themselves with this pastime for the best part of a century, without having ever felt the least alarm from sickness or disgust; and they never went to bed, without having each the best part of a gallon of claret in his belly. Such uninterrupted exercise, coöperating with the keen air from the sea, must, without all doubt, keep the appetite always on edge, and steel the constitution against all the common attacks of distemper. The Leith races gave occasion to another entertainment of a very singular nature. There is at Edinburgh a society or corporation of errand-boys called cawdies, who ply in the streets at night with paper lanterns, and are very serviceable in carrying messages. These fellows, though shabby in their appearance, and rudely familiar in their address, are wonderfully acute, and so noted for fidelity, that there is no instance of a cawdy's having betrayed his trust. Such is their intelligence, that they know not only every individual of the place, but also every stranger, by the time he has been four-and-twenty hours in Edinburgh; and no transaction, even the most private, can escape their notice. They are particularly famous for their dexterity in executing one of the functions of Mercury; though, for my own part, I never employed them in this department of business. Had I occasion for any service of this nature, my own man, Archy M'Alpine, is as well quali. fied as e'er a cawdy in Edinburgh; and I am much mistaken, if he has not been heretofore of their fraternity. ... Be that as it may, they resolved to give a dinner and a ball at Leith, to which they formally invited all the young noblemen and gentlemen that were at the races; and this invitation was reinforced by an as: surance, that all the celebrated ladies of pleasure would grace the entertainment with their company. I received a card on this occasion, and went thither with half a dozen of my acquaintance. In a large hall, the cloth was laid on a long range of tables joined together, and here the company seated themselves, to the number of about fourscore, lords and lairds and other gentlemen, courtesans and cawdies, mingled together, as the slaves and their masters were in the time of the Saturnalia in ancient Rome. The toastmaster, who sat at the upper end, was one cawdy Fraser, a veteran pimp, distinguished for his humour and sagacity, well known and much respected in his profession by all the guests, male and female, that were here assembled. He had bespoke the dinner and the wine: he had taken care that all his brethren should appear in decent apparel and clean linen; and he himself wore a periwig with three tails, in honour of the festival. I assure you the banquet was both elegant and plentiful, and seasoned with a thousand sallies, that promoted a general spirit of mirth and good humour. After the dessert, Mr. Fraser proposed the following toasts, which I don't pretend to explain: “The best in Christendom” – “Gibb's contract”—“The beggar's benison” – “King and kirk”—“Great Britain and Ireland.” Then, filling a bumper, and turning to me, – “Mester Malford,” said he, “may a' unkindness cease betwixt John Bull and his sister Moggy.” The next person he singled out was a nobleman who had been long abroad. “Ma lord,” cried Fraser, “here is a bumper to a those noblemen who have virtue enough to spend their rents in their ain countray.” He afterwards addressed himself to a member of parliament in these words: “Mester , I'm sure ye’ll ha' nae objection to my drinking, Disgrace and dool to ilka Scot, that sells his conscience and his vote.” He discharged a third sarcasm at a person very gaily dressed, who had risen from small beginnings and made a considerable fortune at play. Filling his glass, and calling him by name, – “Lang life,” said he, “to the wylie loon that gangs a-field with the toom poke at his lunzie, and comes hame with a sackful o' siller.” All these toasts being received with loud bursts of applause, Mr. Fraser called for pint glasses, and filled his own to the brim: then standing up, and all his brethren following his example, – “Ma lords and gentlemen,” cried he, “here is a cup of thanks for the great and undeserved honour you have done your poor errand-boys this day.” So saying, he and they drank off their glasses in a trice, and quitting their seats, took their station each behind one of the other guests, exclaiming — “Noo we're your honours' cawdies again.” The nobleman who had borne the first brunt of Mr. Fraser's satire objected to his abdication. He said, as the company was assembled by invitation from the cawdies, he expected
they were to be entertained at their expense. “By no means, my lord,” cried Fraser; “I wad na be guilty of sic presumption for the wide warld. I never affronted a gentleman since I was born; and sure, at this age, I wonnot offer an indignity to sic an honourable convention.”—“Well,” said his lordship, “as you have expended some wit, you have a right to save your money. You have given me good counsel, and I take it in good part. As you have voluntarily quitted your seat, I will take your place, with the leave of the good company, and think myself happy to be hailed, “Father of the feast.’” He was forthwith elected into the chair, and complimented in a bumper on his new character. The claret continued to circulate without interruption, till the glasses seemed to dance on the table; and this, perhaps, was a hint to the ladies to call for music. At eight in the evening the ball began in another apartment: at midnight we went to supper; but it was broad day before I found the way to my lodgings; and, no doubt, his lordship had a swinging bill to discharge. In short, I have lived so riotously for some weeks, that my uncle begins to be alarmed on the score of my constitution, and very seriously observes, that all his own infirmities are owing to such excesses indulged in his youth. Mrs. Tabitha says it would be more for the advantage of my soul as well as body, if, instead of frequenting these scenes of debauchery, I would accompany Mr. Moffat and her to hear a sermon of the Reverend Mr. M'Corkendale. Clinker often exhorts me, with a groan, to take care of my precious health; and even Archy M'Alpine, when he happens to be overtaken (which is oftener the case than I could wish), reads me a long lecture on temperance and sobriety: and is so very wise and sententious, that, if I could provide him with a professor's chair, I would willingly give up the benefit of his admonitions and service together; for I was tutor-sick at alma mater. I am not, however, so much engrossed by the gaieties of Edinburgh, but that I find time to make parties in the family way. We have not only seen all the villas and villages within ten miles of the capital, but we have also crossed the Frith, which is an arm of the sea, seven miles broad, that divides Lothian from the shire, or, as the Scots call it, “the kingdom of Fife.” There is a number of large open-sea boats that ply on this passage from Leith to Kinghorn, which is a borough on the other side. In one of these our whole family embarked three days ago, excepting my sister, who, being exceedingly fearful of the water, was left to the care of Mrs. Mitchelson. We had an easy and quick passage into Fife, where we visited a number of poor towns on the sea-side, including St. Andrews, which is the skeleton of a venerable city, but we were much better pleased with Some noble and elegant seats and castles, of which there is a great number in that part of Scotland. Yesterday we took boat again, on our return to Leith, with a fair wind and agreeable weather; but we had not advanced half way, when the sky was suddenly overcast, and the wind changing, blew directly in our teeth; so that we were obliged to turn, or tack the rest of the way. In a word, the gale increased to a storm of wind and rain, attended with such a fog, that we could not see the town of Leith, to which we were bound, nor even the castle of Edinburgh, notwithstanding its high situation. It is not to be doubted but that we were all alarmed on this occasion; and, at the same time, most of the passengers were seized with a nausea that produced violent retchings. My aunt desired her brother to order the boatmen to put back to Kinghorn; and this expedient he actually proposed; but they assured him there was no danger. Mrs. Tabitha, finding them obstinate, began to scold, and insisted on my uncle's exerting his authority as a justice of the peace. Sick and peevish as he was, he could not help laughing at this wise proposal, telling her that his commission did not extend So far, and if it did, he should let the people take their own way; for he thought it would be great presumption in him to direct them in the exercise of their own profession. Mrs. Winifred Jenkins made a general clearance, with the as: sistance of Mr. Humphry Clinker, who joined her both in prayer and ejaculation. As he took it for granted that we should not be long in this world, he offered some spiritual consolation to Mrs. Tabitha, who rejected it with great disgust, bidding him keep his sermons for those who had leisure to hear such nonsense. My uncle sat, recollected in himself, without speaking. My man Archy had recourse to a brandy-bottle, with which he made S9 free, that I imagined he had sworn to die of drinking anything rather than sea-water; but the brandy had no more effect on him in the way of intoxication, than if it had been seawater in good earnest. As for myself, I was too much engrossed by the sickness at my stomach to think of anything else. Meanwhile
the sea swelled mountains high; the boat pitched with such violence, as if it had been going to pieces; the cordage rattled, the wind roared, the lightning flashed, the thunder bellowed, and the rain descended in a deluge. Every time the vessel was put about, we shipped a sea that drenched us all to the skin. When, by dint of turning, we thought to have cleared the pier-head, we were driven to leeward, and then the boatmen themselves began to fear that the tide would fail before we should fetch up our lee-way; the next trip, however, brought us into smooth water, and we were safely landed on the quay about one o'clock in the afternoon. “To be sure,” cried Tabby, when she found herself on terra firma, “we must all have perished, if we had not been the particular care of Providence.” – “Yes,” replied my uncle; “but I am much of the honest Highlander's mind; after he had made such a passage as this, his friend told him he was much indebted to Providence. ‘Certainly,' said Donald; “but, by my saul, mon, Ise ne'er trouble Providence again, so long as the brig of Stirling stands.” You must know the brig, or bridge, of Stirling stands above twenty miles up the river Forth, of which this is the outlet. I don't find that our squire has suffered in his health from this adventure: but poor Liddy is in a peaking way. I'm afraid this unfortunate girl is uneasy in her mind; and this apprehension distracts me, for she is really an amiable Creature. We shall set out to-morrow or next day for Stirling and Glasgow; and we propose to penetrate a little way into the Highlands before we turn our course to the southward. In the meantime, commend me to all our friends round Carfax, and believe me to be ever yours, J. Melford.
OLIVER GOLDSMITH (1728–1774)
LETTERS FROM A CITIZEN OF THE WORLD TO HIS FRIENDS IN THE EAST
LETTER XXI THE CHINESE GOES TO SEE A PLAY
The English are as fond of seeing plays acted as the Chinese; but there is a vast difference in the manner of conducting them. We play our pieces in the open air, the English theirs under cover; we act by daylight, they by the