I know you understanding Gentlemen,

And knowing me, cannot persuade yourselves
With me you shall be troublesome or bold.-
Nor shall you find

Being set to meat, that I'll excuse your fare,
Or say, I am sorry it falls out so poor,

And, had I known your coming, we'd have had
Such things and such; nor blame my Cook, to say
This dish or that hath not been sauc't with care:
Words fitting best a common hostess' mouth,
When there's perhaps some just cause of dislike;
But not the table of a Gentleman.

A FAIR QUARREL:

A COMEDY. BY THOMAS MIDDLETON AND WILLIAM ROWLEY.

CAPTAIN AGER in a dispute with a COLONEL his friend, receives from the COLONEL the appellation of Son of a Whore. A challenge is given and accepted: but the CAPTAIN, before he goes to the field, is willing to be confirmed of his mother's honor from her own lips. LADY AGER, being questioned by her Son, to prevent a duel, falsely slanders herself of unchastity. The CAPTAIN, thinking that he has a bad cause, refuses to fight. But being reproached by the COLONEL with cowardice, he esteems that he has now sufficient cause for a quarrel, in the vindicating of his honor from that aspersion; and draws, and disarms his opponent.

LADY. CAPTAIN, her Son.

La. Where left you your dear friend the Colonel ? Cap. Oh the dear Colonel, I should meet him soon. La. Oh fail him not then, he's a Gentleman The fame and reputation of your time

Is much engag'd to.

Cap. Yes, and you knew all, mother.

La. I thought I'd known so much of his fair goodMore could not have been look'd for.

Cap. O yes, yes, Madam :

And this his last exceeded all the rest.

[ness,

La. For gratitude's sake let me know this I prithee.

Cap. Then thus ; and I desire your censure freely, Whether it appear'd not a strange noble kindness in

La. Trust me, I long to hear 't.

Cap. You know he's hasty;

That by the way.

La. So are the best conditions:

Your father was the like.

Cap. I begin now

To doubt me more: why am not I so too then?
Blood follows blood through forty generations;

[him.

And I've a slow-pac'd wrath: a shrewd dilemma.—

La. Well, as you were saying, Sir.

Cap. Marry, thus, good Madam.

There was in company a foul-mouth'd villain-
Stay, stay,

Who should I liken him to that you have seen?

[Aside.

He comes so near one that I would not match him with, Faith, just o' the Colonel's pitch: he's never the

worse man;

Usurers have been compar'd to magistrates,
Extortioners to lawyers, and the like,

But they all prove ne'er the worse men for that.
La. That's bad enough, they need not.

Cap. This rude fellow,

A shame to all humanity and manners,

Breathes from the rottenness of his gall and malice, The foulest stain that ever man's fame blemish'd, Part of which fell upon your honor, madam,

Which heighten'd my affliction.

La. Mine, my honor, Sir?

Cap. The Colonel soon enrag'd (as he's all touchwood)

Takes fire before me, makes the quarrel his,
Appoints the field; my wrath could not be heard,
His was so high pitcht, so gloriously mounted.

Now what's the friendly fear that fights within me,
Should his brave noble fury undertake

A cause that were unjust in our defence,
And so to lose him everlastingly,

In that dark depth where all bad quarrels sink

Never to rise again, what pity 'twere,

First to die here, and never to die there!

La. Why what's the quarrel, speak, Sir, that should

rise

Such fearful doubt, my honor bearing part on 't?
The words, whate'er they were-

Cap. Son of a whore.

La. Thou liest :

And were my love ten thousand times more to thee,
Which is as much now as e'er mother's was,

So thou shouldst feel my anger. Dost thou call
That quarrel doubtful? where are all my merits?

[Strikes him.

Not one stand up to tell this man his error?
Thou might'st as well call the Sun's truth in question,
As thy birth or my honor.

Cap. Now blessings crown you for 't;

It is the joyfull'st blow that e'er flesh felt.

La. Nay, stay, stay, Sir; thou art not left so soon : This is no question to be slighted off,

And at your pleasure closed up fair again,

As though you'd never touch'd it, no; honor doubted,
Is honor deeply wounded; and it rages

More than a common smart, being of thy making.
For thee to fear my truth it kills my comfort.
Where should fame seek for her reward, when he
That is her own by the great tye of blood
Is farthest off in bounty: O poor Goodness,
That only pay'st thyself with thy own works;
For nothing else looks towards thee. Tell me, pray,
Which of my loving cares dost thou requite

With this vile thought? which of my prayers or wishes?
Many thou ow'st me for. This seven year hast thou
A widow, only married to my vow; [known me

That's no small witness of my faith and love
To him that in life was thy honour'd father:
And live I now to know that good mistrusted?

Cap. No, shall appear that my grief is chearful! For never was a mother's reputation

Noblier defended; 'tis my joy and pride

I have a firmness to bestow upon it.

La. What's that you said, Sir?

Cap. "Twere too bold and soon yet

To crave forgiveness of you. I will earn it first.
Dead or alive I know I shall enjoy it.
La. What's all this, Sir?

Cap. My joy's beyond expression :
I do but think how wretched I had been,
Were this another's quarrel and not mine.
La. Why, is it your's?

Cap. Mine think me not so miserable,
Not to be mine: then were I worse than abject,
More to be loath'd than vileness, or sin's dunghill :
Nor did I fear your goodness, faithful Madam,
But came with greedy joy to be confirm'd in 't,
To give the nobler onset: then shines valour,
And admiration from her fix'd sphere draws,
When it comes burnish'd with a righteous cause;
Without which I'm ten fathoms under coward,
That now am ten degrees above a man.

Which is but one of virtue's easiest wonders.

La. But pray stay; all this while I understand you The Colonel was the man.

Cap. Yes, he's the man,

The man of injury, reproach, and slander,
Which I must turn into his soul again.

La. The Colonel do 't! that's strange.

Cap. The villain did it :

That's not so strange. Your blessing, and your

leave

La. Come, come, you shall not go.

Cap. Not go? were death

Sent now to summon me to my eternity,

I'd put him off an hour: why, the whole world

Has not chains strong enough to bind me from it:

The strongest is my Reverence for you,

Which if you force upon me in this case,

I must be forced to break it.

La. Stay, I say.

Cap. In any thing command me but in this, Madam, La. 'Las, I shall lose him. You will hear me first? Cap. At my return I will.

La. You'll never hear me more then.
Cap. How!

La. Come back. I say!

You may well think there's cause, I call so often.
Cap. Ha! cause? what cause?

La. So much, you must not go.

Cap. Must not? why?

La. I know a reason for 't;

Which I could wish you'd yield to, and not know : If not, it must come forth. Faith, do not know; And yet obey my will.

Cap. Why, I desire

To know no other than the cause I have,

Nor should you wish it, if you take your injury;
For one more great I know the world includes not.
La. Yes; one that makes this nothing:-yet be
ruled,

And if you understand not, seek no farther.
Cap. I must, for this is nothing.

La. Then take all ;

And if amongst it you receive that secret

That will offend you, though you condemn me,
Yet blame yourself a little, for perhaps

I would have made my reputation sound
Upon another's hazard with less pity;
But upon yours I dare not.

Cap. How?

La. I dare not :

'Twas your own seeking, this.

Cap. If you mean evilly,

I cannot understand you, nor for all the riches
This life has, would I.

La. Would you never might!

Cap. Why, your goodness, that I joy to fight for.
La. In that you neither right your joy nor me.
Cap. What an ill orator has virtue got here!
Why, shall I dare to think it a thing possible,
That you were ever false?

La. Oh, fearfully;

As much as you come to.
Cap. Oh silence cover me;