18 HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION. able, that I remember the time and place as well as if it was but this moment. At "In this manner I went on, I believe three or four months at least; sometimes doubting of all things, at others, fully persuaded of every truth of Christianity. There was no medium. I was either Atheist or Christian. During this time, I read many books in vindication of the Christian religion, continued in constant prayer for faith, and abstained from outward sin. But whenever I went on my knees, the following suggestions came into my mind,-" How do I know there is any God to hear me? Suppose religion should be all cheat and priestcraft; and if so, what avail my prayers?" length, I began to be tired of this state of uncertainty, especially as the comforts I had before felt, began to be few and faint. Add to this, the bad example of my schoolfellows, and the despair I began to be in of obtaining satisfaction of the truth of what is called natural, as well as revealed religion, contributed not a little to make me lay aside my inquiries, and to fall into many sins that youth and strong passions prompted me to; and this I did with the more eagerness, as I was desirous of laying hold of every opportunity of turning my thoughts from within myself. "I believe I might now be about eighteen years of age, when having gone through the school at Westminster, I was entered at Magdalen College, Oxford, where I continued between four and five years. After which, I went abroad for about two years more,' returning to 1 Sir Richard Hill left a part of his journal of this tour among his papers; but as it is chiefly devoted to the history, forms of government, and religion of the various places he visited, which are known to the world, I would not impair the effect of this valuable portion of his narrative by extracts from it. HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION. 19 England in 1757, being then about the age of twentythree or twenty-four. During my residence at Oxford, and in foreign parts, notwithstanding all the wretched pains I took to lull conscience asleep, still my convictions pursued me; yea, the more I endeavoured to put from me the thoughts of my soul by drinking deeper draughts of iniquity, the more strongly did the insulted Spirit plead with me, and often in the very act of sin, would so embitter my carnal gratifications and strike me with such deep remorse, that,-Oh! horrid to think! -I have even been ready to murmur, because God would not let me alone, nor suffer me to sin with the same relentless satisfaction which I observed in my companions. Whilst I was abroad, though I kept my sins, I would gladly have left my convictions with my native country; but I experienced the truth of what a heathen poet says in another sense : 'Cœlum, non animum mutant, qui trans mare currunt." "But He that hath loved me with an everlasting love, had all this while thoughts of mercy towards me, and would not take his loving kindness utterly away from me. He therefore waited that he might be gracious unto me, and followed me with such loud and constant convictions as often brought me upon my knees, and sometimes forced me to break off my sins for a month, or a quarter of a year together; for, though I still remained full of doubts as to the truth of religion, yet I thought that if there was a God and a future state, and that if Jesus Christ was indeed the true Messiah and the author of eternal salvation to those who obey him, that I could by no means be saved in the state I was in; and that, being uncertain whether these things were so or not, it was the highest infatuation to leave the eternal happiness or misery of 22 22 HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION. I recollected the sweet dawnings of grace and love which I had experienced when at school, from which I concluded that I had certainly been once enlightened, and had tasted of the heavenly gift, and of the powers of the world to come, and that I was so far fallen away that it was impossible to renew me again unto repentance. Now was the case of Esau, who found no place for repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears, particularly terrifying to me, and every threatening of Scripture seemed levelled at me at once. You will readily conclude that under these burdens my terrors still increased, insomuch that I could neither eat nor sleep, and did not think it possible for me to live a week. Everybody observed how ill I looked, and I had much ado to conceal the straits I was in from all about me. In this dreadful case Satan tempted me to blaspheme God, and to put an end to my miserable life, suggesting to me that I could not be absolutely sure that there was a future state, though I so much dreaded it. "After having suffered in this manner a short time, I made my case known to a clergyman, in hopes of finding some relief; but all he said to me, which indeed was not much to the purpose, had little or no effect; nor was I much easier from reading the most comfortable Scripture promises, because as I well knew I had slighted, so I thought I had forfeited them all, and that therefore nothing now remained for me but a certain fearful expectation and looking for of judgment. "It is beyond the power of conception, much more of expression, to form an idea of the dreadful agonies my poor soul was now in. What to do, or to whom to have recourse, I knew not; for, alas, I had no acquaintance with anybody who seemed to have the least experience in such cases. However, those about me shewed the great HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION. 23 est concern for my situation, and offered their remedies for my relief, such as company, physic, exercise, &c., which, in order to oblige them, I complied with; but my disorder not being bodily but spiritual, was not to be removed by these carnal quackeries, as they were soon convinced. "What I wanted was a skilful physician for my soul, to whom I could freely lay open my case, and from whom I might receive a healing balm for my wounded conscience; but where to find such an one I knew not, what we must do, and what we must not do, being nearly the sum total of all the ministers' sermons I ever remembered to have heard, which was but poor comfort for one who found he had done every thing that he ought not to have done, and nothing that he ought to have done. "I recollected, however, that once, if not oftener, the Rev. Mr. Fletcher, then tutor to two neighbouring young gentlemen, but since vicar of Madely, in this county, had in my hearing been spoken of in a very disrespectful manner, for things which seemed to me to savour of a truly christian spirit. I therefore determined to make my case known to him, and accordingly wrote him a letter, without mentioning my name, giving him some account of my situation, and begging him, for God's sake, if he had a word of comfort to offer to my poor, distressed, despairing soul, to meet me that very night at an inn at Salop, in which place I then was. Though Mr. F. had four or five miles to walk, yet he came punctually to the appointment, and spoke to me in a very comfortable manner, giving me to understand that he had very different thoughts of my state from what I had myself. After our discourse, before he withdrew, he went to prayer with me, and among the other petitions that he put up in my behalf, he prayed that I might not trust in 24 HIS OWN ACCOUNT OF HIS CONVERSION. my own righteousness, which was an expression that, though I did not ask him its import, I knew not well what to make of. "After my conversation with Mr. Fletcher, I was rather easier, but this decrease of my terrors was but for a few days duration; for, though I allowed that the promises and comforts he would have me apply to myself, belonged to the generality of sinners, yet I thought they were not intended for me, who had been so dreadful a backslider, and who, by letting my day of grace slip, had sinned beyond the reach of mercy. Besides, I concluded that they could be made effectual to none but such as had faith to apply them, whereas I had no faith, consequently they could avail me nothing. I therefore wrote again to Mr. F., telling him, as nearly as I can remember, that however others might take comfort from the Scripture promises, I feared none of them belonged to me, who had crucified the son of God afresh, and sinned wilfully after having received the knowledge of the truth. I told him also, that I found my heart to be exceeding hard and wicked; and that, as all my duties proceeded from a slavish dread of punishment, and not from the principles of faith and love, and were withal so very defective, I thought it was impossible God should ever accept them. In answer to this, the kind and sympathising Mr. F. immediately wrote me a sweet and comfortable letter, telling me that the perusal of the account I had given him, had caused him to shed tears of joy to see what great things the Lord had done for my soul, in convincing me experimentally of the insufficiency of all my own doings to justify me before God, and of the necessity of a saving faith in the blood of Jesus. He also sent me 'The Life and Death of Mr. Haliburton, Professor of Divinity in the University of St. Andrews,' which book I read with the greatest |