S "We your humble patience pray, gently to hear, kindly to judge our play." THE ARGUMENT. TAYING at a water-cure establishment are: Hamlet, for his health, with his wife Ophelia Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, for economical reasons, in need of the needful; Mr. Bassanio, enjoying a legal vacation. The Montagues having been disowned Ly both their houses, Mr. R. M. has taken to the stage, and is here with his traveling company and his wife. Shylock, wishing to possess Portia's gold, bribes Lady Macbeth to inci e her husband to the murder of Bassanio, so that Shylock may marry the tair heifess. All of which is accomplished, and a wedding dinner, under the superintendence of Othello,is given by the patients to the happy bride and bridegroom. "Admit me Chorus to this History." PROGRAMME. PATIENTS AT PRESENT UNDER TREATMENT AT THIS CElebrated HYDROPATHY PORTIA "Who of legal knowledge has obtained such a grip, is by SHYLOCK taken into partnership.” LADY MACBETH "Here's employment for thee." MACBETH "What is to do? The deed without a name.' JULIET Romeo, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet." ROMEO "I take thee at thy word," and he did. OPHELIA "A little more than kin, and HAMLET less than kind." OTHELLO Hereafter haunted by Desdy's-mother. SCENE.-ACT I., The Hallway. ACT II., The Parlor. ACT III., The Banquet Hall. "'Tis true that a good play needs no epilogues." THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-Cure. ACT I. Scene-The hall. Chair, L LADY MACBETH discovered standing, R. Lady M. Here have we boarded now these six long months-ever since that doleful day when we fled Scotland in such haste. Things were not exactly pleasant there when we came away. There had been a slight struggle for the crown, which had ended rather unfortunately for King Duncan and his family, who happened to be staying in our own castle at the time. But all's fair in love and war, and I never could see why the nobility and gentry chose to make it so unpleasant for us afterwards. Banquo in particular gave us a good deal of trouble, and I believe it took some time before he was finally settled. The whole thing did not amount to much, and never bothered me in the least; but it worried Macbeth considerably, for he was yet but young in deed, and needed seasoning. In fact, all this rather unhinged Macbeth's mind, and utterly ruined his digestion; he got into the way of seeing ghosts whenever we gave a dinner-party, and so he gradually took to drink, and has never been the same man since. Each day sees him more of a prey to whims and whiskey. So long as that unfortunate prejudice against us prevails in our native country I suppose we shall be obliged to stay in this wretched establishment, whose owner dubs it by courtesy a WaterCure. Only this morning the wretch waylaid me with a bill, the which I cannot pay, for ducats are not ready in my purse; my last went to that fool Bassanio when he staked his all at poker weeks ago. Unless we raise the money by this coming eve the landlord swears that we must go. Oh! lordly family of great Macbeth, why should we sink to such a level of disgrace that common people glory in thy fall? Enter SHYLOCK, L. Ha! here comes the usurer! Perhaps from him I may gain help. Shylock. (holding up old clothes) Old clo'es, old hats, here you are, very cheap! Old hats for new ones! old clo'es for new ones! Sings. Air, "Little Buttercup.” Buy of your Shylock, 5 Lady M. (interrupting) Shy-lock! Good Shylock, thou hast come in time! Shy. Sayest thou so? Would'st have a hat? Or, see this beauteous coat! 'Twas made to fit a king. It once belonged to Duncan, an outrageous dunce, who met his death in Scotland. Lady M. (in anger) Remove the cloak! I wish it not. Lend ear, O Jew! I need bright gold to aid me in a new distress. My landlord sues, yet not a sou can I him give. I want three thousand ducats for three months. Shy. (aside) The very sum I lost by curst Antonio! (to LADY M.) And what return dost offer me for this amount? Knowest thou Bassanio? Lady M. Macbeth, my lord-he shall be bound. He plays a clever hand at Shy. Out on the Island he now serves a term for monopolizing private gutters. He hath a tender heart, and ribs that will not stop a tickling knife directed inward ;-dost catch? Lady M. Hardly! Shy. What, hardly? Lady M. Well-with considerable difficulty. Shy. List! Take thou assistants-let them row thee out to where Bassanio doth still reside. Then, when 'tis dark, do away with him! Lady M. What-murder ! (counting the clock's strokes) One !-two !- Lady M. Why dost thou wish this wretch to die? Shy. Because, forsooth, I much desire just Portia to be my wedded wife. Then he hath disgraced me and hindered ine of half a million; laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains; and what's his reason? I am a Jew. Hath. not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, affections, passions? Is he not warmed and cooled by the same summer and winter as a Christian is? If you poison us, do we not die; and, if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? Perhaps herein thou may'st discern the drift of all I would convey. Lady M. 'Tis rather shady-but, go on! Shy. Now, lady, think! A thousand-ay! three thousand-ducats for only one swift stroke. Else no money shall I lend, and thou may'st hanged. be for aught I care. Lady M. (advancing—aside) 'Tis cheap! I mind not blood! (ToSHY.. LOCK) Thou upright Jew, I do accept thy offer; but give me first securi ties. (aside) This night Macbeth shall kill the dog. Shy. Here, (gives LADY MAC. large pocketbook) swear by the skull of Hamlet thou play not false ! Lady M. I swear it! Shy. Then speed the task! Let not Bassanio observe the morning sun that shall to-morrow see the happy Shylock weaving his cunning web around the queenly Portia! (aside) She who owns far more of yellow gold than Old, old beaver hats, old coats buy! Enter MACBETH, R. Lady M. Come here, Cawdor, and don't be speering around in that stupid fashion. 'Pon my word, you're the sorriest apology for a king I ever saw! I'm positively ashamed of you! Mac. Is that what you have to say to me? Your disposition is spoiling, I'm afraid, under this water treatment. Lady M. Never you mind me, but gather what few sparks of courage you have left: you'll need them, for I have work for you. Mac. You have introduced the subject gracefully, I must say. Lady M. Your opinion is entirely uncalled for. I want a stroke done in the old line of business. Mac. What the old business! Surely not-you know! Lady M. ▾ outcry. That's it exactly, and I can't see why it should cause such an Mac. What poor innocent have you been bulldozing now? Lady M. It's no quarrel of mine; it's a friendly turn we are going to do for Shylock. Mac. For Shylock! Does he take us for ordinary butchers? Lady M. For extraordinary ones, may-be. But, be that as it may, Shylock wants Bassanio put out of the way, and I consider it a very delicate compliment on Shylock's part to give us the refusal of the first hack! Mac. What is Shylock's grievance ? Lady M. I believe he holds a paid-up policy on Bassanio's life, and wants to realize. Mac. This is no affair of ours. Why do you bother your head with it? Lady M. Simply because I am out of practice and money, and here is an opportunity for getting both. Why make so many words about so simple a thing? Mac. You know we came here for seclusion and reformation: this is the great country for reform, so they say. We have had enough of this kind of sport, and after my last tiff with Duff I was glad of a little rest. Furthermore, it would be an infringement of the game laws to kill a man at this time of year. Lady M. That is so, I will admit, but we must have money to keep up appearances, and everything possible has been pawned, including the crown jewels and the conundrum dagger, What easier way than this is there of making it? Besides, we are adepts in the art, and it will be attended with no risk. Mac. How do you propose to manage it? Lady M. I leave that to you. Where there's a will there's a way. Mac. But I have no will in this matter, and I have not yet sunk to the level of a common cut-throat. Lady M. My will is that it shall be done; so don't bandy words with me. If you don't like to cut his throat, you might rummage among his ribs. Mac. Suppose I agree to do this, how shall I clear myself if I am caught? Lady M. With a plea of accident, or temporary insanity. There would be no difficulty with the latter plea, in your case. Mac. I have no quarrel with Bassanio. Lady M. Such a trifling consideration as that never used to hinder you. Mac. If we should fail! Lady M. But screw your courage to the sticking-place, and we'll not fail. Mac. We will proceed no further in this business at present. I want time for thought. Lady M. No, Glamis, there is no time like the present! This is the tide in our affairs that is to lead to fortune; and Shylock wants immediate answer. Mac. I decline to act upon compulsion. Lady M. Fy, my lord, fy! A soldier, and afeared? Mac. I am not. I dare do all that may become a man; who dares do more is none. Lady M. Then prove it. Mac. How much does Shylock give for this work? Lady M. Three thousand ducats. Mac. What guarantee have you that he will perform his part of the contract? Lady M. He has given security. Mac. Of what nature? Lady M. He has given me his word, two dozen pawn tickets, and one hundred shares of Brooklyn Bridge stock. Mac. His munificence is princely. I will yield me to thy wishes, although it is a thought whose horrid image doth unfix my hair, and make my` seated heart knock at my ribs against the use of nature. Lady M. Be bloody, bold, and resolute! Yet do I fear thy nature is too full of the milk of human kindness. Mac. If 'twere done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done' quickly! My mind's made up! Let no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose now. (Sharpens his sword on steel at LADY MAC.'S. |