good stuff; I don't know as ever I drank any before: what do you call this, Snacks? Snacks. Red-port wine, an't please your lordship. Rob. Yes, red-port wine pleases his lordship. I wonder where this comes from. Oh! from the Red Sea, I suppose. Snacks. No, my lord; there's plenty of spirits there, but not wine, I believe. Rob. Well, one more thing full; only one; because, you know, now I'm a lord, I must not make a beast of myself; that's not like a nobleman, you know. Snacks. Your lordship must do as your lordship pleases. Rob. Must I? then give us t'other sup. Snacks. I think his lordship is getting rather forward. I'll bring my daughter upon the carpet presently. (A side.) Enter Servant. Rob. You must have a lesson every day, or you'll forget the step. Snacks. No; your lordship has taken care that I sha'n't forget it for some time. Rob. I can't think where Dolly is; I told her to come to me. Snacks. My daughter's very beautiful. Rob. Dang it! you talk a great deal-and I'll have a peep at her. I wish Dolly would come. Snacks. Oh! don't think of her. Rob. Not think of her! Why, pray? Rob. A what? Take care, or I shall make you dance another hornpipe. Snacks. I only mean to say, that she's too low for your lordship. Rob. Too low! why, what was I just now? If I thought riches would make me such a rascal as to use the poor girl ill-a fig for 'em all! I'd give 'em up, and be plain Robin, honest Robin, again. [Exeunt. over a closet-door. Serv. Please you, Master Snacks, here's John SCENE IV.-A Chamber, with a picture hanging the carter says he's so lame he can't walk; and he hopes you'll let him have the pony, to-morrow, to ride by the waggon. Snacks. Can't walk, can't he? Lame, is he? Snacks. And what does he mean by being lame at this busy time? Tell him he must walk; it's my will. Rob. (A side to Serv.) You, sir, bring me John's whip, will you? [Exit Servant.] That's right, Snacks; d-n the fellow, what business has he to be lame? Snacks. Oh! please your lordship, it's as much as I can do to keep these fellows in order. Rob. Oh! they are sad dogs. Not walk, indeed! I never heard of such impudence. Snacks. Oh, shameful, shameful! If I were behind him, I'd make him walk. Enter RATTLE and MISS NANCY. Rat. Well, you see I've gained admission, notwithstanding your father's order to the contrary. Nan. Yes; but how do you mean to get his con sent to Rat. Why, as to his consent, I don't value it a button; but then five thousand pounds is a sum not to be sneezed at. I have given the old boy a bit of a hint to-night that he didn't much relish. Nan. I expect my father here every minute, with his new-made lordship. Rat. Indeed! then only hide me in this room, and the business is done. Nan. That I will, where nobody can find you, I'm sure: I have a closet behind this picture of the old lord, made, I believe, to hide the family Enter a Servant with a whip, which he gives to plate and jewels in; but it's quite forgotten now. Robin. Rob. Come, Snacks, dance me a hornpipe. Snacks. What? Rob. A hornpipe. Snacks. A hornpipe! I can't dance, my lord. Rob. Come, none of your nonsense; I know you can dance; why you was made for dancing. There's a leg and foot. Come, begin! Snacks. Here's no music. Rob. Isn't there? then I'll soon make some. Lookye, here's my fiddlestick; how d'ye like it? Come, Snacks, you must dance; it's my will. Snacks. Indeed, I'm not able. Rob. Not able! Oh, shameful, shameful! Come, come, you must dance; it's my will. (Whips him.) Snacks. Must I? Then here goes. (Hops about.) Rob. What, d'ye call that dancing fit for a lord? Come, quicker, quicker. (Whips Snacks, who roars out.) There, that will do; now go and order John the carter the pony, will you? Snacks. What a cunning dog it is! He's up to me now; but I think I shall be down upon him, by-and-by. (Aside.) [Exit. Rob. Ha, ha, ha! how he hopped about and hallooed. But I'll work him a little more yet. (Opens the closet-door.) Rat. Oh! it was made on purpose for me: I'll put a jewel into it presently. Here, (gives a paper) this lie carelessly on the table; it's worth five thousand pounds. Snacks. (Without.) This way, this way, my lord. Rat. Oh, d-n it! here they come; tell him you've been frightened by a ghost; and if he signs the paper, give a loud cough. [Puts the paper on the table, and exit into the closet. Enter SNACKS and ROBIN. Snacks. There she is. Isn't she a beauty? What do you say now? Rob. Why, I say she is not fit to hold a candle to my Dolly. Nan. Pretty courtship, indeed. (Aside.) Snacks. Ah! you'll alter your mind soon; I know you will. Come, let's sit down and talk of it. (They sit.) Nan. (To Snacks.) Oh! my dear sir, I've been so frightened. Do you know, I think I've seen the very ghost that alarmed you so once. Snacks. A what? a ghost? O Lord! I hope not. I hate the very sight of them. It's very odd; but -(starting)-Didn't I hear a noise? Nan. Oh! sir, that's a very common thing in this part of the castle; I have been most terribly frightened lately. Rob. Why, what frightened you? We are all good people here; they won't hurt us, will they Snacks? RATTLE jumps out of the closet, and takes the paper. Rat. How do you do? how are you? Snacks. Give me that paper. Rat. Not a word: twenty-six thousand pounds in the five per cents. Now, dear Nancy, you are mine, and five thousand pounds. Snacks. (To Nancy.) You to rebel against me, too, you baggage. Mar. (Without.) Only let me catch hold of him, I'll give it him; an old, abominable Enter MARGERY. Oh! you are there, are you? You wicked wretch! let me get at him. (Runs after Snacks, and beats him.) A pretty pack of lies you have told, you old ragamuffin, you. Enter ROBIN and DOLLY. Rob. What! are you there, Rattle? Rat. Yes, I'm the ghost-Hear! Rob. Why, you frightened old Honesty a little. Enter Servant. Serv. Please you, Master Snacks, the bailiffs ba' gotten Master Frank, and are bringing him here. Rob. What! the bailiff's got him? Oh, you old rascal! (To Snacks.) Let him come here in a moment! [Exit Servant.] Oh! Snacks, I'm sorry for you; for I'm sure you can't be happy: a man as does so much harm, and so little good, never can be happy, I'm sure. Enter MR. FRANK. I be very sorry as they used you so, Mr. Frank, but I couldn't Frank. I know your heart too well to think you could. Rob. I have a greater favour to ask of you, Mr. Frank: you see we've rather found Snacks out; now, will you-dang it, will you take care of me, and come and live in the castle with us, and give me your advice? You know how I mean; teach me a bit, you know. Frank. You are too generous: but I accept your proffered kindness; and, by my care and attention to your welfare, will repay a small part of the debt I owe you. Rob. Now, then, I am happy; with such a friend as Mr. Frank, Dolly, we shall know how to take care of ourselves and our neighbours; and I'll take care that poor folks shall bless the day as made me a lord. [Exeunt. A FARCE, IN TWO ACTS.-BY MR. O'BRIEN. ACT I. SCENE I.-A Hall in George Bevil's house. Enter ROBIN. Robin. Heyday! Here's a house with a witness! Two o'clock, and not a soul stirring yet. What a charming thing it is to be quality! for, then, one need never do any one thing like the rest of the world: lie a-bed all day, sit up all night, spend an estate without ever having one, run in debt to everybody, pay nobody, laugh at everybody, despise everybody, and cuckold everybody. Oh, what a delightful thing it is to be quality! But I wonder Mr. Chapeau is not up yet, he did not use to be so late. A sweet fellow! has more of the man of fashion about him, than any servant in town. I wish I was like him; I strive all I can, but I cannot get his manner. JENNY crosses the stage. Robin. What! is there nobody up yet? Jenny. Up yet! no, sir; I believe they are not long gone to bed. Why, sure, you must be as great a stranger here as I am, to think of finding any one stirring at this time of the day. Robin. A stranger! what, then, you are a new comer: I don't remember having had the pleasure of seeing you before, my dear. Jenny. No, sir; I have been here but a week; and I don't know yet who it is I live with: Mrs. Suds, the washerwoman, recommended me; mayhap, you may know her. Robin. I am acquainted with the family, but I have not the honour of knowing her. (Takes snuff.) Jenny. And here I am, but I have never seen the face of my master since here I've been. I never hears anything of him, but when he raps at the door in the morning; and he is always going to bed just as I begin to think of getting up. What, perhaps, you want to speak to Mr. Chapeau? Robin. Yes, I wish I could see him. You must know I live with your master's elder brother. Jenny. Oh! what in the square? Robin. No, no; that's the eldest, the great 'Squire Bevil: there are three of them. He that lives in St. James's-square, is, as I told you, the eldest, and has a great fortune; my master studies the law in the Temple, and your master, my dear, is the youngest, aud studies nothing at all in the army he's an officer in the foot-guards. I want to know if he's upon duty, can you tell me? Jenny. Indeed, I can't, sir; but I know that he never comes home all night long. I wonder, for my part, what the quality can find to do up so, always, night after night, night after night. Ah, Monsieur Chapeau! How do you do? Chap. Ah, Master Robin! are you there? How goes it, my little dapper Robin? Robin. You have slept it out, with a witness, my dear sir; it is almost two o'clock. (Looking at his watch.) Chap. Is it, indeed! Why, we were up very late at Almack's last night, and lost all our money. Come, sit down. A d-d run against us all night long. But, however, no matter, the worse luck now, the better another time, eh! my little smiling Robin? Robin. Ay, it is to be hoped so, Mr. Chapeau: I think they say that your master has lost considerably of late, has not he? ing some time. A certain married woman, that shall be nameless, whose husband is monstrous rich, and keeps a shop in a certain streef, that shall be nameless. You have seen her, my little Robin; a monstrous fine girl! She danced with me at the last masquerade; we were both monstrously welldressed; after which, we went to a certain house, that shall be nameless. The husband is d-d jeaLous, though; and, between you and I, I am afraid he wants to get rid of her; so that, of late, we are grown more circumspect: for though I should like the éclat of a divorce; yet the money at present, the money, my little Robin, you know, is convenient. Chap. Hush! you confounded blab you; not a syllable for your life! (Clapping his hand to his mouth.) Robin. Ha, ha! Have I smoaked you. Ha, ha, Chap. Oh! we have had the cursedest run of illluck that ever people had. And how to raise money upon earth we don't know; there's not an usurer, not a thief, between this and the Monu-ha! (Bell rings.) ment, but we have brought to a stand-still; not a penny will they lend us. I believe-though it is the devil to think of that too-but I believe we must marry somebody; we can't keep our heads above water much longer if we do not. Robin. I should suppose, Mr. Chapeau, that your master had well nigh spent all his fortune by this time. Chap. Spent his fortune! why we did not begin to make a figure, or be at all known in the world, till we had lost all we had. Robin. Why, you don't tell me so! Chap. You may stare, but it is very true. We did not begin to have credit, till we had not a farthing left in the world. Ah! Robin, London is the place for credif; pluck up but a good resolution, and you may run in debt as much as you please. Why the tradesmen are all playing as deep a game as our masters. William, bring chocolate. Enter a Servant. Or would you rather have tea, Robin? [Exit Servant. Robin. As one don't drink so confoundedly hard as one used to do, I think there's less occasion for tea in a morning. But, pray, what might your master have lost last night? Chap. 'Faith I can't justly say. Bob told me, (for you must know we had a little party with him last night,) that, at one in the morning, he was out nine hundred, and kept calling for rouleaus till past five, aud every one quite worn out; so you may guess. (Chocolate brought in.) How much do you think I lost last night? Robin. Upon my soul, I have no guess. Perhaps a guinea or two. Chap. Fifty, or may I never rattle a box again. You must know that young Flimsy, Sir Harry Blackball, and some others, were all ballotted in last night, and we had devilish deep play. Robin. What a genteel manner he has! (Aside.) Fifty guineas, Mr. Chapeau; why, that will make a horrid hole in your strong box, won't it? Chap. A monstrous one, I can't say but it will. (Sipping chocolate.) But you must know (don't take any notice of it, though) I have been in keep Chap. Ha! my master's bell; he is awake, then, find. Toute à l'heure, monsieur; toute à l'heure. But what brought you here to-day so early, Robin; have you any message? Robin. Yes, my master was not sure but his brother might be on guard, so bid me call and ask. He is at his brother's in the square: I fancy he intends coming down here presently. Some family business in hand, I have a notion. Chap. Ay, they want to raise the devil, cash, I suppose. I fancy it is confounded low with both of them. That cursed place, White's, is so fall of blacks, the poor lads can't keep a farthing for them. I suppose they want the eldest to lend. Robin. Not my master, I warrant you; he's a good manager, sticks close to the law. Why, he's to be called to the bar next term. Devilish clever he is, an't he? Chap. O devilish clever: a monstrous genius, Robin. Robin. Very true, Mr. Chapeau, he is very mon strous. JENNY re-crosses the stage. Chap. Oh, Jenny! do you know has anybody called upon me or my master to-day? Jenny. Yes, sir, there have been two ladies and an old cloaths'-man to you, and two thin ugly men asked for my master; I believe they be Jews. Chap. Jews! Gadso, they must not be neglected. Did they say they would call again? Jenny. Yes; one, I think, did say he would call again, and another of them left a paper parcel; I put it on the drawing-room table. [Exit. Chap. It's very well, Jenny. (Bell rings.) Well, Robin, you may tell your master that mine is just awake. If he has any business, this is the time to see him. Now or never. Adieu, au revoir. Robin. Well, my dear Mr. Chapeau, adieu.Adieu, as the French have it. (Going.) Chap. But Robin, d--e, not a word of the little chandler. Robin. Oh! upon honour, I'll be close as wax. Chap. Bravo! my little dapper Robin, you improve. Robin. Yes, yes, thanks to you, I shall be something at last, with a little of your assistance. A charming, genteel fellow. [Exit. Chap. A foolish, awkward toad. (Bell rings.) I hear you, sir. What a d-d situation, after all, ↑ servant's is; (taking snuff) never at ease, always SCENE II.-A Drawing-room. Enter GEORGE BEVIL in his night-gown, and G. Bev. My brother Harry's man here, do you say? Chap. Yes, sir, he came from Mr. Bevil's in the square, to know if you were upon duty or not. G. Bev. My brother, I suppose, then, will call here. I am glad of it. I shall have an opportunity of letting him into my situation. (Aside.) Anybody ed for it. One I have often seen at Lady Matchem's assemblies, has taken, it seems, so violent an inclination to me, that she has made me an offer of her daughter. 'Tis true, I am not acquainted with the girl, I have only seen her at a distance; but she is reckoned handsome; and as I am sure her fortune has numberless charms, I have made up my mind and am resolved. G.Bev. And her name is As you H. Bev. There you must excuse me. said, I must be surer of my point, before I open myself, even to you. Lady Matchem has given me the characters of the family, which stand thus: the girl amiable and handsome, with a considerable fortune in her own power; but, as you said of your's, if papa and mamma consent, may have a much greater. The father is a man who has all his money in the stocks; and though he lives on this side Temple-bar, is as ignorant of good company as if he had never removed from Thames-street: all his time is taken up in listening to news, pickChap. Jenny says, sir, two Jews were here being up intelligence, and buying in and selling out fore I was up; they said they would call again, accordingly. The mother's only joy is cards and and one of them left this parcel. governing her family, which she does with as much authority, as her husband's obstinacy will let her. She has undertaken to open the matter to him; and this afternoon, I am, perhaps, to have the honour of an introduction to him. More I'll tell you when I know more. else? G. Bev. Oh! very well; the writings, I suppose: ay, 'tis so. Lay them down. If they come again I must see them; and if anybody is with me, shew them into my dressing-room. There's no living without these Israelites. I am an absolute bankrupt with every Christian creature, and if my luck does not change shortly, they will find me out at Duke's-place too. Enter HARRY BEVIL. H. Bev. So, George, you are just up, I see; you are as regular in your irregularities, I find, as ever: St. James's dial does not better shew the hour of the day than you do the life of a modern fine gentle man. G. Bev. St. James's dial, sir, is not as constant to the sun, as I am to my course of life. But how comes it that you are dressed so soon; are you going to dine with any of your patronising attorneys in Chancery-lane? H. Bev. No; I dine at this end of the town; but I have business on my hands-business which, perhaps, may occasion business for my patronising attorneys, as you are pleased to call them. In short, George, I am upon the brink of matrimony. G. Bev. Indeed! Why that's the very business I was wanting to open to you. I have thoughts of marrying, too. In short, Harry, such is my situation at present, that, formidable as it may be, I must marry; I must find out a wife, whose fortune may set me afloat again; for faith, as matters go, I am sinking very fast. H. Bev. But the question is, where will you find one that can answer your purpose; I am sure, she must be handsome, or you will never like her; and her fortune must be very handsome, I am sure, or it will be of no use to you. G. Bev. In both these points, Harry, I have been lucky enough to succeed. During the course of my sauntering duty in the Park, with the nursery-maids, I met with a very fine girl, who has a considerable fortune in her own power, but may expect a much greater if she marries with the consent of the old folks: of them I know nothing. The young thing is entirely mine, and I am foolish enough to be in love with her. H. Bev. Simple indeed! And her name isG. Bev. There you must excuse me; I must be surer of carrying my point, before I open myself farther, even to you. But what, pray, is your situation? H. Bev. Why, faith, odd enough, you will say. You have always laughed at me for sticking so close to the old ladies; but, at last, I am reward G. Bev. Have you opened this business yet to my brother Frank? H. Bev. Not yet. Does he know your plan of operations? G. Bev. No; I went to him, the other day, with an intention of telling him all, and begging his advice and assistance; but, unluckily, the conversation turning first upon my losses at play, put us both so heartily out of humour, that company coming in, I took the first opportunity of retreating, and have not seen him since. It will be time enough to tell him, when I am a little surer of success. The day wears though, and I have a great deal of business upon my hands, besides dressing. I am laying some of my burdens upon the tribe of Issachar." H. Bev. Who will take care to exonerate them, selves, I warrant. How many Jews may your ho nour have in hand now? G. Bev. Humph! why, faith, I believe about a round dozen; but if I marry, I will discard them all, and play a more Christian kind of game for the future. H. Bev. Well, success attend you. Perhaps I may look in upon you at Almack's about eleven. [Exit. G. Bev. Chapeau, get my things ready to dress. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-Grub's House. Enter GRUB. Grub. What a miserable man I am! with a wife that is positive, a daughter that is marriageable, and a hundred thousand pounds in the stocks. I have not had one wink of sleep these four nights for them; any one of them is enough to make any reasonable man mad; but all three to be attended to at once, is too much. Ah! Jonathan Grub, Jonathan Grub! riches were always thy wish, and now thou hast them, they are thy torment. Will this confounded broker of mine never come? Let's see, (looking at his watch) 'tis time he was come back. Stocks fell three per cent. to-day, and, if the news be true, will tumble dreadfully to-morrow. (A knocking at the door.) There's Mr. Consol, I am sure. Who's there? Does nobody hear? Open the door, somebody! Oh, what infernal servants I have! Open the door for Mr. Consol! I believe |