But I am now in my seventieth year; what can and enable me to forsake them. Ease, if it shall be done, ought not to be delayed. EASTER EVE. April 3d, 1779, 11 P. M. This is the time of my annual review, and annual resolution. The review is comfortless, little done. Part of the life of Dryden and the life of Milton have been written; but my mind has neither been improved nor enlarged. I have read little, almost nothing. And I am not conscious that I have gained any good, or quitted any evil habits. Of resolutions I have made so many, with so little effect, that I am almost weary, but by the help of God, am not yet hopeless. Good resolutions must be made and kept. I am almost seventy years old, and have no time to lose. The distressful restlessness of my nights, makes it difficult to settle the course of my days. Something, however, let me do. EASTER DAY. April 4th, 1779. I rose about half an hour after nine, transcribed the prayer written last night; and by neglecting to count time sat too long at breakfast, so that I came to church at the First Lesson. I attended the Litany pretty well; but in the pew could not hear the communion service, and missed the prayer for the church militant. Before I went to the altar, I prayed the occasional prayer. At the altar I commended my Ꮎ and again prayed the prayer; I then prayed the Collects, and again my own prayer by memory. I left out a clause. I then received, I hope with earnestness; and while others received sat down; but thinking that posture, though usual, improper, I rose and stood. Í prayed again in the pew, but with what prayer have forgotten. When I used the occasional prayer, at the altar, I added a general purpose, To avoid idleness. I gave two shillings to the plate. Before I went I used, I think, my prayer, and endeavoured to calm my mind. After my return I used it again, and the Collect for the day. Lord have mercy upon me. I have for some nights called Francis to prayers, and last night discoursed with him on the sa crament. please Thee, the anxieties of my mind, and relieve the infirmities of my body. Let me not be disturbed by unnecessary terrors, and let not the weakness of age make me unable to amend my life. O Lord, take not from me thy Holy Spirit, but receive my petitions, succour and comfort me, and let me so pass the remainder of my days, that when Thou shalt call me hence, I may enter into eternal happiness, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Sept. 18th, 1779, H. P. M. 12ma. Almighty God, Creator of all things, in whose hands are life and death, glory be to Thee for all thy mercies, and for the prolongation of my life to the common age of man. Pardon me, O gracious God, all the offences which in the course of seventy years I have committed against thy Holy Laws, and all negligences of those duties which Thou hast required. Look with pity upon me, take not from me thy Holy Spirit, but enable me to pass the days which Thou shalt yet vouchsafe to grant me, in thy fear, and to thy glory: and accept, O Lord, the remains of a mispent life, that when thou shalt call me to another state, I may be received to everlasting happiness, for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Make me, O Lord, truly thankful for the mercy which thou hast vouchsafed to show me through my whole life; make me thankful for the health which Thou hast restored in the last year, and let the remains of my strength and life be employed to thy glory and my own salvation. enable me to avoid or overcome all that may Take not, O Lord, thy Holy Spirit from me; hinder my advancement in godliness; let me be no longer idle, no longer sinful; but give me rectitude of thought and constancy of action, and bring me at last to everlasting happiness, for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour. Amen. Sunday, June 18th. In the morning of this day last year, I perceived the remission of those convulsions in my breast which had distressed me more than twenty years. I returned thanks at church for the mercy granted me, which has now continued a year. THANKSGIVING. Almighty God, our Creator and Preserver, from whom proceedeth all good, enable me to receive with humble acknowledgment of thy unbounded benignity, and with due consciousness of my own unworthiness, that recovery and continuance of health which Thou hast granted me, and vouchsafe to accept the thanks which I now offer. Glory be to Thee, O Lord, for this and all thy mercies. Grant, I beseech Thee, that the health and life which thou shalt yet allow me, may conduce to my eternal happiness. Take not from me thy Holy Spirit; but so help and bless me, that when thou shalt call me hence, I may obtain pardon and salvation, for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Sept. 18th, 17890. I am now beginning the seventy-second year of my life, with more strength of body and greater vigour of mind than I think is common at that age. But though the convulsions in my breast are relieved, my sleep is seldom long. My nights are wakeful, and therefore I am sometimes sleepy in the day. I have been attentive to my diet, and have diminished the bulk of my body. I have not at all studied, nor written diligently. I have Swift and Pope yet to write; Swift is just begun. I have forgotten or neglected my resolutions or purposes, which I now humbly and timorously renew. Surely I shall not spend my whole life with my own total disapprobation. Perhaps God may grant me now to begin a wiser and a better life. Almighty God, my Creator and Preserver, who hast permitted me to begin another year, look with mercy upon my wretchedness and frailty. Rectify my thoughts, relieve my perplexities, strengthen my purposes, and reform my doings. Let increase of years bring increase of faith, hope, and charity. Grant me diligence in whatever work thy providence shall appoint me. Take not from me thy Holy Spirit, but let me pass the remainder of the days which thou shalt yet allow me, in thy fear and to thy glory; and when it shall be thy good pleasure to call me hence, grant me, O Lord, forgiveness of my sins, and receive me to everlasting happiness, for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 1781. January 2d. I was yesterday hindered by my old disease of mind and therefore begin to-day. January 1st. Having sat in my chamber till the year began, I used my accommodation of the Morning Prayer to the beginning of this year, and slept remarkably well, though I had supped liberally. In the morning I went to church. Then I wrote letters for Mrs. Desmoulins; then went to Streatham, and had many stops. At night I took wine, and did not sleep well. Almighty God, merciful Father, who hast granted me such continuance of life, that I now see the beginning of another year, look with mercy upon me; as thou grantest increase of years, grant increase of grace. Let me live to repent what I have done amiss, and by thy help so to regulate my future life, that I may obtain mercy when I appear before Thee, through the merits of Jesus Christ. Enable me, O Lord, to do my duty with a quiet mind; and take not from me thy Holy Spirit, but protect and bless me, for the sake of Jesus Christ. Amen. I GOOD FRIDAY. April 13th, 1791. forgot my prayer and resolutions, till two days ago I found this paper. Some time in March I finished the Lives of the Poets, which I wrote in my usual way, dilatorily and hastily, unwilling to work, and working with vigour and haste. On Wednesday 11th, was buried my dear friend Thrale, who died on Wednesday 4th; and with him were buried many of my hopes and pleasures. About five, I think, on Wednesday morning he expired; I felt almost the last flutter of his pulse, and looked for the last time upon the face that for fifteen years had never been turned upon me but with respect or benignity. Farewell. May God, that delighteth in mercy, have had mercy on thee! had constantly prayed for him some time before his death. The decease of him from whose friendship I had obtained many opportunities of amusement, and to whom I turned my thoughts as to a refuge from misfortunes, has left me heavy. But my business is with myself. September 18th. My first knowledge of Thrale was in 1765. 1 enjoyed his favour for almost a fourth part of my life. EASTER EVE. April 14th, 1781. On Good Friday I took, in the afternoon, some coffee and buttered cake; and to-day I had a little bread at breakfast, and potatoes and apples in the afternoon, the tea with a little toast; but I find myself feeble and unsustained, and suspect that I cannot bear to fast so long as formerly. This day I read some of Clarke's Sermons. I hope that since my last communion I have ad vanced, by pious reflections, in my submission | far as is lawful, I humbly implore thy mercy in to God and my benevolence to man; but I his present state. O Lord, since Thou hast been have corrected no external habits, nor have kept pleased to call him from this world, look with any of the resolutions made in the beginning of mercy on those whom he has left; continue to the year; yet I hope still to be reformed, and succour me by such means as are best for me, not to lose my whole life in idle purposes. and repay to his relations the kindness which I Many years are already gone irrevocably past, have received from him; protect them in this in useless misery; that what remains may be world from temptations and calamities, and grant spent better, grant, O God. them happiness in the world to come, for Jesus Christ's sake. Amen. By this awful festival is particularly recommended newness of life; and a new life I will now endeavour to begin, by more diligent application to useful employment, and more frequent attendance on public worship. I again, with hope of help from the God of mercy, resolve, To avoid idleness. To study religion. Almighty God, merciful Father, by whose protection I have been preserved, and by whose clemency I have been spared, grant that the life which Thou hast so long continued, may be no longer wasted in idleness or corrupted by wickedness. Let my future purposes be good, and let not my good purposes be vain. Free me, O Lord, from vain terrors, and strengthen me in diligent obedience to thy laws. Take not from me thy Holy Spirit, but enable me so to commemorate the death of my Saviour Jesus Christ, that I may be made partaker of his merits; and may finally, for his sake, obtain everlasting happiness. Amen. September 2d, 1781. When Thrale's health was broken, for many months I think before his death, which happened April 4th, I constantly mentioned him in my prayers; and after his death, have made particular supplication for his surviving family to this day. September 18th. This is my seventy-third birthday, an awful day. I said a preparatory prayer last night, and waking early, made use in the dark, as I sat up in bed, of the prayer, [beginning of this year.] I rose, breakfasted, and gave thanks at church for my creation, preservation, and redemption. As I came home, I thought I had never begun any period of life so placidly. I read the Se cond Epistle to the Thessalonians, and looked into Hammond's Notes. I have always been accustomed to let this day pass unnoticed, but it came this time into my mind that some little festivity was not improper. I had a dinner, and invited Allen and Levet. What has passed in my thoughts on this anni My purposes are the same as on the first day of Sunday, October 14th, 1781, (Properly Monday morning.) I am this day about to go by Oxford and Birmingham to Litchfield and Ashbourne. The motives of my journey I hardly know. I omitted it last year, and am not willing to miss it again. Mrs. Aston will be glad, I think, to see me. We are both old, and if I put off my visit I may see her no more; perhaps she wishes for another interview. She is a very good woman. Hector is likewise an old friend, the only com This book is not in the Editor's possession. panion of my childhood that passed through | Poor Laurence has almost lost the sense of hear the school with me. We have always loved one another. Perhaps we may be made better by some serious conversation, of which however I have no distinct hope. At Litchfield, my native place, I hope to show a good example, by frequent attendance on public worship. At Ashbourne, I hope to talk seriously with 1782. March 18th. Having been, from the middle of January, distressed by a cold, which made my respiration very laborious, and from which I was but little relieved by being blooded three times; having tried to ease the oppression of my breast by frequent opiates, which kept me waking in the night and drowsy the next day, and subjected me to the tyranny of vain imaginations; having to all this added frequent cathartics, sometimes with mercury, I at last persuaded Dr. Laurence, on Thursday, March 14th, to let me bleed more copiously. Sixteen ounces were taken away, and from that time my breath has been free, and my breast easy. On that day I took little food, and no flesh. On Thursday night I slept with great tranquillity. On the next night (15th) I took diacodium, and had a most restless night. Of the next day I remember nothing, but that I rose in the afternoon, and saw Mrs. Lennox and Sheward. Sunday 17th. I lay late, and had only Palfrey to dinner. I read part of Waller's Directory, a pious rational book; but in any except a very regular life difficult to practice. It occurred to me, that though my time might pass unemployed, no more should pass uncounted, and this has been written to-day, in consequence of that thought. I read a Greek chapter, prayed with Francis, which I now do commonly, and explained to him the Lord's Prayer, in which I find connexion not observed, I think, by the expositors. I made punch for myself and my servants, by which, in the night, I thought both my breast and imagination disordered. March 18th. I rose late, looked a little into books. Saw Miss Reynolds, and Miss Thrale, and Nicolaida; afterwards Dr. Hunter came for his catalogue. I then dined on tea, &c.; then read over part of Dr. Laurence's book, "De Temperamentis," which seems to have been written with a troubled mind. My mind has been for some time much disturbed. The peace of God be with me. I hope to-morrow to finish Laurence, and to write to Mrs. Aston and to Lucy. 19th. I rose late. I was visited by Mrs. Thrale, Mr. Cotton, and Mr. Crofts. I took Laurence's paper in my hand, but was chill; having fasted yesterday, I was hungry, and dined freely, then slept a little, and drank tea; then took candles, and wrote to Aston and Lucy, then went on with Laurence, of which little remains. I prayed with Francis. Mens sedatior, laus Deo. To-morrow Shaw comes. I think to finish Laurence, and write to Langton. ing; and I have lost the conversation of a learned, intelligent, and communicative companion, and a friend whom long familiarity has much endeared. Laurence is one of the best men whom I have known. Nostrum omnium miserere Deus. 20th. Shaw came; I finished reading Laurence. I dined liberally. Wrote a long letter to Lang. ton, and designed to read, but was hindered by Strahan. The ministry is dissolved. I prayed with Francis, and gave thanks. To-morrow-To Mrs. Thrale-To write to Hector-To Dr. Taylor. 21st. I went to Mrs. Thrale. Mr. Cox and Paradise met me at the door, and went with me in the coach. Paradise's Loss. In the evening wrote to Hector. At night there were eleven visitants. Conversation with Mr. Cox. When I walked I saw the penthouses covered with snow. 22d. I spent the time idly. Mens turbata. In the afternoon it snowed. At night I wrote to Taylor about the pot, and to Hamilton about the Fœdera. 23d. I came home, and found that Desmoulins had, while I was away, been in bed. Letters from Langton and Boswell. I promised L—— six guineas. 24th, Sunday. I rose not early. Visitors, Allen, Davis, Windham, Dr. Horsley. Dinner at Strahan's. Came home and chatted with To-morrow begin again to read the Bible; put Williams, and read Romans ix. in Greek. rooms in order; copy L- 's letter. At night I read 11 p. and something more, of the Bible, 26th, Tu. I copied Lin fifty-five minutes. -'s letter, then wrote to Mrs. Thrale. Cox visited me. I sent home Dr. Laurence's papers with notes. I gave Da guinea, and found her a gown. 27th W. At Harley-street. Bad nights-in the evening Dr. Broomfield and his family-Merlin's steelyard given me. 28th, Th. I came home. Sold Rymer for Davies; wrote to Boswell. Visitors, Dr. Percy, Mr. Crofts. I have, in ten days, written to Aston, Lucy, Hector, Langton, Boswell; perThe weather, which now begins to be warm, gives haps to all by whom my letters are desired. me great help. I have hardly been at church this year; certainly not since the 15th of January. My cough and difficulty of breath would not permit it. This is the day on which, in 1752, dear Tetty died. I have now uttered a prayer of repentance and contrition; perhaps Tetty knows that I prayed for her. Perhaps Tetty is now praying for me. God help me. Thou, God, art merciful, hear We were married almost seventeen years, and my prayers, and enable me to trust in Thee. have now been parted thirty. I then read 11 p. from Ex. 36 to Lev. 7. I prayed 29th, Good Friday. After a night of great diswith Fr. and used the prayer for Good Friday. turbance and solicitude, such as I do not remember, I rose, drank tea, but without eating, and went to church. I was very composed, and coming home, read Hammond on one of the Psalms for the day. I then read Leviticus. Scott came in. A kind letter from Gastrel. 1 read on, then went to evening prayers, and afterwards drank tea with buns; then read till I finished Leviticus 24 pages et sup. To write to Gastrel to-morrow. To look again into Hammond. 30th, Sat. Visitors, Paradise, and I think Horsley. Read 11 pages of the Bible. I was faint; dined on herrings and potatoes. At prayers, think, in the evening. I wrote to Gastrel, and received a kind letter from Hector. At night Lowe. Pr. with Francis. 31st, Easter day. Read 15 pages of the Bible. Cætera alibi. AT THE TABLE. Almighty God, by whose mercy I am now permitted to commemorate my Redemption by our Lord Jesus Christ, grant that this awful remembrance may strengthen my faith, enliven my hope, and increase my charity; that I may trust in Thee with my whole heart, and do good according to my power. Grant me the help of thy Holy Spirit, that I may do thy will with diligence, and suffer it with humble patience; so that when Thou shalt call me to judgment, I may obtain forgiveness and acceptance, for the sake of Jesus our Lord and Saviour. Amen. AT DEPARTURE, OR AT HOME. Grant, I beseech Thee, merciful Lord, that the designs of a new and better life, which by thy grace I have now formed, may not pass away without effect. Incite and enable me, by thy Holy Spirit, to improve the time which Thou shalt grant me; to avoid all evil thoughts, words, and actions; and to do all the duties which thou shalt set before me. Hear my prayer, O Lord, for the sake of Jesus Christ. Amen. These prayers I wrote for Mrs. Lucy Porter,* in the latter end of the year 1782, and transcribed them October 9th, 1784. ON LEAVING MR. THRALE'S FAMILY. Almighty God, Father of all mercy, help me, by thy grace, that I may with humble and sincere thankfulness remember the comforts and conveniences which I have enjoyed at this place, and that I may resign them with holy submission, equally trusting in thy protection when Thou givest and when Thou takest away. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, have mercy upon me. To thy fatherly protection, O Lord, I commend this family. Bless, guide, and defend them, that they may so pass through this world, as finally to enjoy in thy presence everlasting happiness, for Jesus Christ's sake. Amen. O Lord, so far as, &c.-Thrale. October 7th. I was called early. I packed up my bundles, and used the foregoing prayer, with my morning * Daughter-in-law to Dr. Johnson; she died at Litchfield in 1786. devotions somewhat, I think, enlarged. Being earlier than the family, I read St. Paul's farewell in the Acts, and then read fortuitously in the Gospels, which was my parting use of the library. 1776. September 6th. I had just heard of Williams's death. Almighty and most merciful Father, who art the Lord of life and death, who givest and who takest away, teach me to adore thy providence, whatever thou shalt allot me; make me to remember, with due thankfulness, the comforts which I have received from my friendship with Anna Williams.* Look upon her, O Lord, with mercy, and prepare me, by thy grace, to die with hope, and to pass by death to eternal happiness through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 1784. EASTER DAY. April 11th. Almighty God, my Creator and my Judge, who givest life and takest it away, enable me to return sincere and humble thanks for my late deliverance from imminent death; so govern my future life by thy Holy Spirit, that every day which Thou shalt permit to pass over me, may be spent in thy service, and leave me less tainted with wickedness, and more submissive to thy will. Enable me, O Lord, to glorify Thee for that knowledge of my corruption, and that sense of thy wrath, which my disease, and weakness, and danger awakened in my mind. Give me such sorrow as may purify my heart, such indignation as may quench all confidence in myself, and such repentance as may, by the intercession of my Re deemer, obtain pardon. Let the commemoration of the sufferings and death of thy Son, which I am now by thy favour once more permitted to make, fill me with faith, hope, and charity. Let my purposes be good, and my resolutions unshaken; and let me not be hindered or distracted by vain and useless fears, but through the time which yet remains, guide me by thy Holy Spirit, and finally receive me to everlasting life, for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour. Amen. AGAINST INQUISITIVE AND PERPLEXING August 12th, 1784. This lady, who was afflicted with blindness, lived many years with Dr. Johnson, and died in his house. She wrote several Poems, which were published in one volume 4to. 1766. |