to be serious, you certainly have spent your fortune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets and my belly can testify. Your father has disowned you; all your friends forsook you, except myself, who am starving with you. Now, sir, if you marry this young lady, who, as yet, thank Heaven, knows nothing of your misfortunes, and by that means procure a better fortune than that you have squandered away, make a good husband, and turn economist, you still may be happy, may still be sir William's heir, and the lady too no loser by the bargain. There's reason and argument, sir. Gay. Twas with that prospect I first made love to her; and, though my fortune has been ill spent, I have at least purchased discretion with it. Skarp. Pray, then, convince me of that, sir, and make no more objections to the marriage. You see I am reduced to my waistcoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin with you, and then we shall be forced to keep house and die by inches. Look you, sir, if you won't resolve to take my advice, while you have one coat to your back, I must e'en take to my heels while I have strength to rub, and something to cover me. So, sir, wishng you much comfort and consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and half-starved friend and servant. [Going. Gay. Hold, Sharp! You won't leave me? Sharp. I must eat, sir; by my honour and appetite, I must. Gay. Well, then, I am resolved to favour the cheat; and as I shall quite change my former course of life, happy may be the consequences: at least of this I am sure Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are at present. Gay. [A knocking without].-Who's there? Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who favoured you with money at fifty per cent. and belped you to spend it, and are now become daily memento's to you of the folly of trusting rogues, following whores, and laughing at my advice. very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship. Sharp. [Without.]-Upon my word, Mrs. Kitty, my master's not at home. Kitty. [Without.]-Look'e, Sharp, I must and will see him. Gay. Ha! What do I hear? Melissa's maid; What has brought her here? My poverty has made her my eneiny, too-She is certainly come with no good intent-No friendship there without fecs-She's coming up stairs-What must I do? I'll get into this closet and listen. [Exit GAYLESS. Enter SHARP and KITTY. Kitty. I must know where he is; and will know, too, Mr. Impertinence. Sharp. Not of me ye won't.-[Aside.]—He's not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty; I don't know myself. Do you think I can conjure? Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; therefore, don't trifle with me. I come from my mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, what's to be done to-morrow morning? Sharp. Ay; and to-morrow night too, girl. Kitty. Not if I can help it.-[Aside.]-But come, where is your master? For see him I must. Sharp. Pray, Mrs. Kitty, what's your opinion of this match between my master and your mistress? Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; and yet most of our wants will be relieved by it, too: for instance, now, your master will get a good fortune; that's what I'm afraid he wants: my mistress will get a husband; that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, and I an opportunity of breaking your head for your impertinence. Sharp. Madam, I am your most humble servant. But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, I am positively against the match: for was I man of iny master's fortune Gay. Oh, the devil, what a question was there! [Aside. Kitty. You'd marry if you could, and mend it Gay. Cease your impertinence! To the door!-Ha, ha, ha! Pray, Sharp, where does your If they are duns, tell them my marriage is now master's estate lie? certainly fixed; and persuade them still to forbear a few days longer, and keep my circumstances a secret, for their sakes as well as my own. Sharp. O never fear it, sir: they still have so much friendship for you, as not to desire your ruin to their own disadvantage. Gay. And, do you hear, Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, say I am not at home; lest the bad appearance we make here, should make them suspect something to our disadvantage. Sharp. I'll obey you, sir; but I am afraid they will easily discover the consumptive situation of our affairs, by my chop-fallen countenance. [Exit SHARP. Gay. These very rascals, who are now continually dunning and persecuting me, were the Sharp. Lie! Lie! Why, it lies-faith, I can't name any particular place; it lies in so many.His effects are divided, some here, some there; his steward hardly knows himself. Kitty. Scattered, scattered, I suppose. But, hark'e, Sharp, what's become of your furniture? You seem to be a little bare here at present. Gay. What, has she found out that, too? [Aside. Sharp. Why, you must know, as soon as the wedding was fixed, my master ordered me to remove his goods into a friend's house, to make room for a ball which he designs to give here the day after the marriage. Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! For my mistress designs to have a ball and entertainment here, to-night, before the marriage; and that's my business with your master. Sharp. The devil it is! [Aside. Kitty. She'll not have it public; she designs to invite only eight or ten couple of friends. Sharp. No more? Kitty. No more: and she ordered me to desire your master not to make a great entertainment. Sharp. Oh, never fear Kitty. Ten or a dozen little nice things, with some fruit, I believe, will be enough in all conscience. Sharp. Oh, curse your conscience! [Aside. Kitty. And what do you think I have done of my own head? Sharp. What! Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: Won't your master be surprised? Sharp. Much so indeed! Kitty. Well, be quick, and find out your master, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? I have not seen you for some time, and you seem to look a little thin. Sharp. Oh my unfortunate face ![Aside.] I'm in pure good health, thank you, Mrs. Kitty and I'll assure you I've a very good stomach; never better in all my life; and I am as full of vigour, hussy[Offers to kiss her. Kitty. What, with that face; Well, bye, bye, -[Going.]-Oh, Sharp, what ill-looking fellows are those, were standing about your door when I came in? They want your master too, I suppose? Sharp. Hum! Yes; they are waiting for him. They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money. Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his tenants stand in the street? Sharp. They choose it: as they seldom come to town, they are willing to see as much of it as they can, when they do; they are raw, ignorant, honest people. Kitty. Well, I must run home, farewell-but do you hear, get something substantial for us in the kitchen-a ham, a turkey, or what you will we'll be very merry; and be sure to remove the tables and chairs away there too, that we may have room to dance: I cannot bear to be confined in my French dances; tal, lal, lal-Dancing.]-Well, adieu! Without any compliment, I shall die if I don't see you soon. [Exit KITTY. Sharp. And, without any compliment, I pray Heaven you may! Enter GAYLESS. Gay. We are certainly undone! Sharp. That's no news to me. Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers—ten or a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit-my lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey! Sharp. Say no more! the very sound creates an appetite; and I am sure of late I have had no occasion for whetters and provocatives. Gay. Cursed misfortune! What can we do? Sharp. Hang ourselves. I see no other remedy, except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper, without meat or music. Gay. Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress me, and break off the match. Sharp. I don't believe it, sir; begging your pardon. Gay. No? Why did her maid, then, make so strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs? Sharp. For two very substantial reasons: the first, to satisfy a curiosity natural to her as a woman; the second, to have the pleasure of my conversation, very natural to her as a woman of taste and understanding. Gay. Pr'ythee, be more serious: is not our all at stake? Sharp. Yes, sir; and that all of ours is of so little consequence, that a man, with a very small share of philosophy, may part from it without much pain or uneasiness. However, sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, that Mrs. Melissa knows nothing of your circumstances; and I'll tell you what too, sir, she shan't be here to-night, and yet you shall marry her to-morrow morning. Gay. How, how, dear Sharp? Sharp. 'Tis here, here, sir! Warm, warm; and delays will cool it: therefore,, I'll away to her, and do you be as merry as love and poverty will permit you. Would you succeed, a faithful friend depute, Whose head can plan, and front can execute. I am the man! and I hope you neither dispute, my friendship nor qualifications? Gay. Indeed I don't. Pry'thee, be gone. Sharp. I fly! [Exeunt. SCENE II.-MELISSA's lodgings. Enter MELISSA and KITTY. Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! The master not at home-the man in confusion--no furniture in the house-and ill-looking fellows about the doors!-'Tis all a riddle. Kitty. But very easy to be explained. Mel. Prithec, explain it, then; nor keep me longer in suspence. Kitty. The affair is this, madam: Mr. Gayless is over head and ears in debt: you are over head [They look for some time sorrowful at each and ears in love, you will marry himn to-morrow; other. Gay. Oh, Sharp! Sharp. Oh, master! the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the remainder. Mel. I cannot think him base. Kitty. But I know they are all base. You are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I am young, too, but have had more experience: You never was in love before; I have been in love with an hundred, and tried them all; and know them to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, deluding, bewitching devils. Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give them; but Mr. Gayless-——————— Kitty. Is a man, madam. Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him. Kitty. With all my heart-I have given you myisentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations. Mel. Oh, madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension-ha, ha, ha! However, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villainy Kitty. Of his poverty, you may have a hundred: I am sure, I have had none to the con trary. Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches ! [Aside. Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as Lept me in temper with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient in one way, that he should make it up in another. [Knocking without. Mel. See who is at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl. Her bad opinion of Mr. Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her. Enter SHARP and KITTY. -So, Sharp, bave you found your master?Will things be ready for the ball and entertain ment? Sharp. To your wishes, madam. I have just now bespoke the music and supper, and wait now for your ladyship's farther commands. Mel. My compliments to your master, and let him know, I and my company will be with him by six; we design to drink tea and play at cards, before we dauce. Kitty. So shall I and my company, Mr. Sharp. [Aside. Sharp. Mighty well, madam! Mel. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? 'Tis too cool to go so airy, Mel. I engage for her. Sharp. Why then, in short, madam-I cannot tell you. Mel. Don't trifle with me. Sharp. Then, since you will have it, madamI lost my coat in defence of your reputation. Mel. In defence of my reputation! Sharp. I will assure you, madam, I've suffered very much in defence of it; which is more than I would have done for my own. Mel. Pr'ythee, explain! Sharp. In short, madam, you was seen about a mouth ago to make a visit to my master alone. Mel. Alone! my servaut was with me. Sharp. What, Mrs. Kitty? So much the worse: for she was looked upon as my property, and I was brought in guilty, as well as you and my Sharp. I said so--A nuisance! I believe, none in the neighbourhood live with more decency and regularity than I and my master-as is really the case-Decency and regularity! cries she, with a sneer- why, sirrah, does not my window look into your master's bed-cham'ber? and did not he bring in a certain lady 'such a day?' describing you, madam. And did 'not I see Mel. See! O, scandalous! What? Sharp. Contradict her! Why, I told her, I was sure she lied! for, zounds! said I, (for I could not help swearing) I am so well convinced of the lady's and my master's prudence, that I am sure, had they a mind to amuse themselves, they would certainly have drawn the window curtains. Mel. What, did you say nothing else? Did not you convince her of her error and impertinence? Sharp. She swore to such things, that I could do nothing but swear and call names; upon which, out bolts her husband upon me with a fine [Aside. I taper crab in his band, and fell upon me with Kitty. Insist upon knowing it, madam! My curiosity must be satisfied, or I shall burst. such violence, that, being half delirious, I made a full confession. Mel. A full confession! What did you confess? Sharp. That my master loved fornicationthat you had no aversion to it-that Mrs. Kitty was a bawd, and your humble servant a pimp. Kitty. A bawd! a bawd! Do I look like a bawd, madam ? him you are very much out of order—that you were suddenly taken with the vapours or qualms, or what you please, madam. Mel. I'll leave it to you, Sharp, to make my apology; and there's half a guinea for you to help your invention. Sharp. Half-a-guinea! 'Tis so long since I bad any thing to do with money, that I scarcely know the current coin of my own country.Oh, Sharp, what talents hast thou! to secure thy master, deceive his mistress, outlie her chambermaid, and yet be paid for thy honesty! But my Mel. And so you joined to make me infa-joy will discover me. [Aside.] Madam, you have mous ? eternally fixed Timothy Sharp, your most obe Sharp. And so, madam, in the scuffle, my coat was torn to pieces, as well as your reputation. Sharp. For Heaven's sake, madam, what could dient humble servant-Ob the delights of imI do? His proofs fell so thick upon me, as wit-pudence, and a good understanding! ness my head [Shewing his head plaistered.], [Erit SHARP. that I would have given up all the maidenheads Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! was there ever such a lyin the kingdom, rather then have my brains beating varlet! with his slugs and his broad swords, to a jelly. his attorneys, and broken heads, and nonsense! Well, madam, are you satisfied now? Do you want more proofs ! Mel. Very well! but I'll be revenged-And did not you tell your master of this? Sharp. Tell him! No, madam. Had I told him, his love is so violent for you, that he would certainly have murdered half the attornies in town by this time. Mel. Very well! But I ain resolved not to go to your master's to-night. Sharp. Heavens and my impudence be praised! [Aside. Kitty. Why not, madam? If you are not guilty, face your accusers. Shap. Oh the devil! ruined again! [Aside.] To be sure, face them by all means, madamThey can but be abusive, and break the windows a little-Besides, madam, I have thought of a way to make this affair quite diverting to youI have a fine blunderbuss, charged with half a hundred slugs, and my master has a delicate large Swiss broad sword; and between us, madam, we shall so pepper and slice them, that you will die with laughing. Mel. What, at murder? Kitty. Don't fear, madam; there will be no murder if Sharp's concerned. Sharp. Murder, madam! 'Tis self-defence.Besides, in these sort of skirmishes, there are never more than two or three killed: for, supposing they bring the whole body of militia upon us, down but with a brace of them, and away fly the rest of the covey. Mel. Persuade me ever so much, I won't go; that's my resolution. Kitty. Why, then, I'll tell you what, madam; since you are resolved not to go to the supper, suppose the supper was to come to you? 'Tis a great pity such preparations as Mr. Sharp has made should be thrown away. Sharp. So it is, as you say, Mrs. Kitty. But I can immediately run back, and unbespeak what I have ordered; 'tis soon done. Mel. But then, what excuse can I send to your master? he'll be very uneasy at my not coming. Sharp. Oh, terribly so! but I have it-I'll tell Mel. Of your modesty I do: But, I find you are resolved to give me none. Kitty. Madam! Mil. I see through your little mean artifice : you are endeavouring to lessen Mr. Gayless in my opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occasion for. Kitty. Pay me, madam! I ain sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr. Gayless for not paying me, when I believe 'tis his general practice. Mel. 'Tis false! he's a gentleman, and a man of honour, and you are Kitty. Not in love, I thank Heaven! [Curtseying. ly. Mel. I'll go to him-My heart flutters strange[Erit. Kitty. Oh, woman,woman! foolish woman!— she'll certainly have this Gayless; nay, where she as well convinced of his poverty as I am, she would have him. A strong dose of love is worse than one of ratafia; when it once gets into our heads, it trips up our heels, and then good night to discretion. Here is she going to throw away fifteen thousand pounds! upon what? Faith, lit SCENE I. Enter GAYLESS and SHARP. tle better than nothing. He's a man, and that's all-and, Heaven knows, mere man is but small consolation! Be this advice pursued by each fond maid, Ne'er slight the substance for an empty shade: Rich weighty sparks alone should please and charm ye: For should spouse cool, his gold will always warm ye. [Exit. ACT II. Gay. Pr'ythee be serious, Sharp. Hast thou really succeeded? Sharp. To our wishes, sir. In short I have managed the business with such skill and dexterity, that neither your circumstances nor my veracity are suspected. Gay. But how hast thou excused me from the ball and entertainment. Sharp. Beyond expectation, sir-But in that particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, and declare the real situation of your affairs. I told her, we had so long disused our selves to dressing either dinners or suppers, that I was afraid that we should be but aukward in our preparations. In short, sir,—at that instant, a cursed gnawing seized my stomach, that could not help telling her, that both you and myself seldom made a good meal, now-a-days, once in a quarter of a year. Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed me, villain? Did you not tell me this moment, she did not in the least suspect my circumstances? Sharp. No more she did, sir, till I told her. Gay. Very well; and was this your skill and dexterity? Sharp. I was going to tell you; but you won't hear reason: my melancholy face and piteous narration, had such an effect upon her generous bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past. Gay. Does she, Sharp? Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your face again; and, as a farther consideration for so doing, she has sent you half-a-guinea. [Shows the money. Gay. What do you mean? Sharp. To spend it, spend it, aud regale. Gay. Villain! you have undone me! Sharp. What! by bringing you money, when you are not worth a farthing in the whole world. Well, well, then, to make you happy again, I'll keep it myself; and wish somebody would take it into their head to load me with such misfor[Puts up the money. Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal? Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed at? ha, ha, ha! Never for the future, sir, dispute the success of my negotiations; when even you, tunes. who know me so well, can't help swallowing my hook. Why, sir, I could have played with you backwards and forwards at the end of my liue, till I had put your senses into such a fermentation, that you should not have known, in an hour's time, whether you was a fish or a man. Gay. Why, what is all this you have been telling me? Sharp. A downright lie from beginning to end! Gay. And have you really excused me to her? Sharp. No, sir; but I have got this half-guinea to make her excuses to you! and instead of a confederacy between you and me to deceive her, she thinks she has brought me over to put the deceit upon you. Gay. Thou excellent fellow! Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the house immediately; the back way, I believe, will be the safest for you, and to her as fast as you can; pretend vast surprise and concern, that her indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of her company here to-night. You need know no more; away. Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her maid again. Sharp. The devil she is!--I wish I could poison her: for I'm sure, while she lives, I can never prosper. Enter KITTY. Kitty. Your door was open; so I did not stand upon ceremonies. Gay. I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken so suddenly. Kitty. Vapours, vapours only, sir; a few matrimonial omens, that's all; but I suppose Mr. Sharp has made her excuses. Gay. And tells me, I can't have the pleasure of her company to-night. I had made a small preparation; but 'tis no matter: Sharp shall go to the rest of the company, and let them know 'tis put off. Kitty. Not for the world, sir! my mistress was sensible you must have provided for her and the rest of the company; so she is resolved, though she can't, the other ladies and gentlemen shall partake of your entertainment; she's very good-natured. |