Bid. Dinner! I can't cat a morse!! I don't know what's the matter with me; my ears tingle, my heart beats, my face flushes, and I tremble every joint of me. I must run! in and look at myself in the glass this mo ment. Tag. Yes, she has it, and deeply too: This is no hypocrisy Not art, but nature, now, performs her part, And every word's the language of the heart, [Exeunt. SCENE I.-A chamber. ACT II. Enter CAPTAIN LOVEIT, BIDDY, TAG, and PUFF. Capt. To find you still constant, and to arrive at such a critical juncture, is the height of fortune and happiness. Bid. Nothing shall force me from you; and, if I am secure in your affections Puff. I'll be bound for him, madam, and give you any security you can ask. Tag. Every thing goes on to our wish, sir. I just now had a second conference with my old lady; and she was so convinced by my arguments, that she returned instantly to the lawyer to forbid the drawing out of any writings at all: and she is determined never to thwart miss's inclinations, and left it to us to give the old gentleman his discharge at the next visit. Capt. Shall I undertake the old dragon ? Tag. If we have occasion for help, we shall call for you. Bid. I expect him every moment! therefore, I'll tell you what, Rhodophil, you and your man shall be locked up in my bedchamber till we have settled matters with the old gentleman. Capt. Do what you please with me. Tag. You must not be impatient though. Capt. I can undergo any thing with such a reward in view. One kiss, and I'll be quite resigued And now, show me the way. [Exeunt. Tug. Come, sirrah, when I have got you under lock and key, I shall bring you to reason. Puff. Are your wedding clothes ready, my dove? The certificate is come. Tag. Go, follow your captain, sirrah!march. You may thank Heaven I had pauence to stay so long. [Exeunt TAG and PUFF. Enter BIDDY. Bid. I was very much alarmed for fear my two gallants should come in upon us unawares; we should have had sad work if they had. I find I love Rhodophil vastly; for though my other sparks flatter me more, I can't abide the thoughts of them now-I have business upon my hands enough to turn my little head -but, egad, my heart's good, and a fig for dangers! Let me see-What shall I do with my two gallants? I must at least part with them decently. Suppose I set them together world! For, if they won't quarrel (as I believe by the ears? The luckiest thought in the they won't), I can break with them for cowards, and very justly dismiss them my service; and, if they will fight, and one of them be run away; and so I shall very handsomely get killed, the other will certainly be hanged, or rid of both. I am glad I have settled it so purely. Enter TAG. Well, Tag, are they safe? Tag. I think so-the door's double locked, and I have the key in my pocket. Bid. That's pure; but have you given them any thing to divert them? Tag. I have given the Captain one of your old gloves to mumble; but my Strephon is diverting himself with the more substantial comforts of a cold venison pasty. Bid. What shall we do with the next that comes? Tag. If Mr. Fribble comes first, I'll clap him up into my lady's store-room. I suppose he is a great maker of marmalade himself, and will have an opportunity of making some critical remarks upon our pastry and sweetmeats. Bid. When one of them comes, do you go and watch for the other; and as soon as you see him, run in to us, and pretend it is my aunt, and so we shall have an excuse to lock him up till we want him. Tag. You may depend upon me. Here is one of them. Enter FRIBBLE. Bid. Mr. Fribble, your servant— Frib. Miss Biddy, your slave-I hope I have not come upon you abruptly? I should have waited upon you sooner; but an accident hap pened that discomposed me so, that I was obliged to go home again to take some drops. Bid. Indeed you don't look well, sir———Go, Tag, and do as 1 bid you. Tag. I will, madam. [Erit TAG. Bid. I have set my maid to watch my aunt, that we mayn't be surprised by her. Frib. Your prudence is equal to your beauty, miss; and I hope your permitting me to kiss your hands, will be no impeachment to your understanding. Bid. I hate the sight of him.-[Aside.]—I was afraid I should not have had the pleasure of seeing you, Pray, let me know what accident you met with, and what's the matter with your hand?--I shan't be easy till I know. Bid. I shall laugh in his face.-[Aside.]-I am afraid you are in great pain. Pray sit down, Mr. Fribble: but I hope your hand is in no danger. [They sit. Frib. Not in the least, madam; pray, don't be apprehensive. A milk poultice, and a gentle sweat to-night, with a little mauna in the morning, I am confident will relieve me entirely. Bid. But, pray, Mr. Fribble, do you make use of a husswife? Bid. And who are your pretty set, pray? Frib. There's Phil. Whiffle, Jacky Wagtail, my Lord Trip, Billy Dimple, Sir Dilberry Diddle, and your humble Bid. What a sweet collection of happy creatures! Frib. I can't do without it, madam: there is a club of us, all young bachelors, the sweetest society in the world; and we meet three times a week at each other's lodgings, where we Frib. Well, I vow, Miss Biddy, you're a good drink tea, hear the chat of the day, invent fachecter-I'll endeavonr to muster up what lit-shions for the ladies, make models of them, and the spirits I have, and tell you the whole af-cut out patterns in paper. We were the first infair-Hem!But first, you must give me ventors of knotting; and this fringe is the orileave to make you a present of a small pot ginal produce, and joint labour of our little of my lip-salve. My servant made it this community. morning: the ingredients are innocent, I assure you; nothing but the best virgin-wax, conserve of roses, and lily-of-the-valley water. Bid. I thank you, sir; but my lips are generally red; and when they an't, I bite them. Frib. I bite my own sometimes, to pout them & Lttle; but this will give them a softness, coFrib. Indeed and so we are miss—but a prolour, and an agreeable moister. Thus, let me digious fracas disconcerted us some time ago at make an humble offering at that shrine, where I Billy Dimple's-three drunken naughty women have already sacrificed my heart. of the town burst into our club-room, cursed us all, threw down the china, broke six looking glassBid. Upon my word, that's very prettily ex-es, scalded us with the slop bason, and scratched pressed! you are positively the best company in poor Phil. Whiffle's cheek in such a manner, that the world-I wish he was out of the house. he has kept his bed these three weeks. [Aside. Frib. But to return to my accident, and the reason why my hand is in this condition-I beg you'll excuse the appearance of it, and be satisfied, that nothing but mere necessity could have forced me to appear thus muffled before you. [Kneels, and gives the pot. Bid. I am very willing to excuse any misfortune that happens to you, sir. [Curtsies. Frib. You are vastly good, indeed-Thus it was-Hem! You must know, miss, there is bot an animal in the creation I have so great an aversion to, as those hackney-coach fellows -As I was coming out of my lodgings, says one of them to me, Would your honour have a coach? No, man,' said I, not now' (with all the civility imaginable. I'll carry you and your doll too,' said he, Miss Margery, for the same price upon which the masculine beasts about us fell a laughing. Then I turned round in a great passion-Curse me,' says I, fellow, but I'll trounce thee!'-And as I was holding out my hand in a threatening poster -thus-he makes a cut at me with his whip, and striking me over the nail of my little tinger, I gave me such exquisite torter, that I fainted away-and while I was in this condition, the mob picked my pocket of my purse, my scissars, my Morocco smelling bottle, and my busswife. Bid. Indeed, Mr. Fribble, I think all our sex have great reason to be angry; for if you are so happy, now you are bachelors, the ladies may wish and sigh to very little purpose. Frib. You are mistaken, I assure you; I am prodigiously rallied about my passion for you, I can tell you that, and am looked upon as lost to our society already. He, he, he! Bid. Pray, Mr. Fribble, now you have gone so far, don't think me impudent, if I long to know how you intend to use the lady who has been honoured with your affections? Frib. Not as most other wives are used, I assure you: all the domestic business will be taken off her hands. I shall make the tea, comb the dogs, and dress the children myself; so that, though I'm a commoner, Mrs. Fribble will lead the life of a woman of quality; for she will have nothing to do but lie in bed, play at cards, and scold the servants. Bid. What a happy creature she must be! Frib. Do you really think so? Then, pray, let me have a little serous talk with you- Though my passion is not of long standing, I hope the sincerity of my intentions Bid. Ha, ha, ha! Frib. Go, you wild thing!--[Pats her.]—The devil take me, but there is no talking to you-How can you use me in this barbarous manner! If I had the constitution of an alderman, it would sink under my sufferings--hooman nuter can't support it. Bid. Why, what would you do with me, Mr. Fribble? Frib. Well, I vow I'll beat you if you talk so -don't look at me in that manner-flesh and blood can't bear it-I could-but I won't grow indecent Bid. But pray, sir, where are the verses you were to write upon me? I find, if a young lady depends too much upon such fine gentlemen as you, she'll certainly be disappointed. Frib. I vow, the flutter I was put into this afternoon, has quite turned my senses-here they are though-and I believe you'll like them. Bid. There can be no doubt of it. [Curtsies. Frib. I protest, miss, I don't like that curtsy -Look at me, and always rise in this manner.[Shows her.]-But, my dear creeter, who put on your cap to-day? They have made a fright of you, and it is as yellow as old Lady Crowfoot's neck. When we are settled, I'll dress your head myself. Bid. Pray read the verses to me, Mr. Fribble. Frib. I obey-Hem! William Fribble, Esq. to Miss Biddy Bellair-greeting. No ice so hard, so cold as I, 'Till warmed and softened by your eye; How do you like them? Bid. Ha, ha, ha! I swear they are very pretty -but I don't quite understand them. Frib. These light pieces are never so well understood in reading as singing. I have set them myself, and will endeavour to give them you: La―la—I have an abominable cold, and can't sing a note; however, the tune's nothing, the manner's all. Flash. Well, my blossom, here am I! What hopes for a poor dog, eh?-How! the maid here? then I've lost the town, damme! Not a shilling left to bribe the governor; she'll spring a mine, and I shall be blown to the devil! Bid. Don't be ashamed, Mr. Flash: I have told Tag the whole affair; and she's my friend, I can assure you. Flush. Is she? than she won't be mine, I am certain. [Aside.] Well, Mrs. Tag, you know, I suppose, what is to be done: this young lady and I have contracted ourselves; and so, if you please to stand bride-maid, why we'll fix the wedding-day directly. Tag. The wedding-day, sir? Flash. The wedding-day, sir! Ay, sir! the wedding day, sir! What have you to say to that, sir? Bid. My dear Captain Flash, don't make such a noise; you'll wake my aunt. Flash. And suppose I did, child, what then? Bid. She'd be frightened out of her wits. Flash. At me, miss? frightened at me? Tout au contraire, I assure you: you mistake the thing, child: I have some reason to believe I am not quite so shocking. [Affectedly. Tug. Indeed, sir, you flatter yourself[Sings. pray, sir, what are your pretensions? Tag. Your aunt, your aunt, your aunt, dam! ma Bid. Oh! for Heaven's sake, hide Mr. Fribble, or we are ruined! Put him into the storeroom this moment. -But Flash. The lady's promises, my own passion, and the best-mounted blade in the three kingdoms. If any man can produce a better title, let him take her. If not, the devil mince me if I give up an atom of her! Bid. Ile's in a fine passion, if he would but hold it. Tag. Pray, sir, hear reason a little. Flush. I never do, madam; it is not my method of proceeding; here is my logic! [Draws Frib. Is it a damp place, Mrs. Tag? The floor his sword.] Sa, sa-my best argument is cart is boarded, I hope? over-arm, madam, ha, ha! [Lounges.] and if he answers that, madam, through my small guts, Flash. [Stopping her.] Stay, stay a little; what a passion I am in!-Are you sure he is in the next room?--I shall certainly tear him to pieces I would fain murder him like a gentleman too-Besides, this family shan't be Flash. But, madam, madam, madam! I pro- brought into trouble upon my account-I have fess blood, madam; I was bred up to it from ait-I'll watch for him in the street, and mix his child; I study the book of fate, and the camp is blood with the puddle of the next kennel, my university. I have attended the lectures of Prince Charles upon the Rhine, and Bathiani upon the Po, and have extracted knowledge from the mouth of a cannon. I'm not to be frightened | with squibs, madam; no, no. Bids. Pray, dear sir, don't mind her, but let me prevail with you to go away this time.Your passion is very fine, to be sure; and when my aunt and Tag are gone out of the way, I'll let you know when I'd have you come agam. Flash. When you'd have me come again, child! And suppose I never would come again, what do you think of that now, ha? You pretend to be afraid of your aunt; your aunt knows what's what too well, to refuse a good match when 'tis offered-Look'e, miss, I'm a man of honour; glory is my aim; I have told you the road I am in; and do you see here, child? [Shows his sword.] no tricks upon travellers. Bid. But pray, sir, hear me. Flush. No, no, no; I know the world, madam: I am as well known at Covent-Garden as the Dial, madam: I'll break a lamp, bully a constable, bam a justice, or bilk a box-keeper, with any man in the liberties of Westininster: What do you think of me now, madam? Bid. Pray, don't be so furious, sir. [Going. Bid. [Stopping him.] No, pray, Mr. Flash, let me see the battle; I shall be glad to see you fight for me; you shan't go, indeed. [Holding him. Tag.[Holding him] Oh, pray let me see you fight: there were two gentleman fit yesterday, and my mistress was never so diverted in her life.-I'll fetch him out. [Exit. Bid. Do stick him, stick him, Captain Flash; I shall love you the better for it. Flash Damn your love! I wish I was out of the house. [Aside. - Bid. Here he is Now, speak some of your hard words, and run him throughFlash. Don't be in fits now Bid. Never fear me! [Aside to BIDDY. Enter TAG and FRIBBLE. Tag. [To FRIBBLE.] Take it on my word, sir, he is a bully, and nothing else. Frib. [Frightened.] I know you are my good friend; but perhaps you don't know his disposition. Tag. I am confident he is a coward. Tag. Oh, I am sure of it. Frib. Is he? Nay, then, I'm his man! Flash. I like his looks, but I'll not venture too far at first. Tag. Speak to him, sir. Frib. I will-I understand, sir-hem-that Flash. Come, come, come; few words are best; somebody's happier than somebody, and I am a poor silly fellow, ha, ba-that's allLook you, child, to be short (for I'm a man of reflection), I have but a bagatelle to say to you. I am in love with you up to hell and despera-you-by Mrs. Tag here-sir-who has informed tion; may the sky crush ine if I am not!- me-hem-that you would be glad to speak with Bat since there is another more fortunate than me-demme[Turns off. J, adieu, Biddy! Prosperity to the happy rival, Flash. I can speak to you, sir-or to any bostience to poor Flash; but the first time we dy, sir-or I can let it alone and hold my tongue meet gunpowder be my perdition, but I'll-if I see occasion, sir, damme- [Turns off. have the honour to cut a throat with him. [Going. Bid. [Stopping him.] You may meet with him auw, if you please. Flash. Now may I?Where is he? I'll Tug. Hush; he's but in the next room. Bid. No, sir; I never was better pleased, I as sufe vou. Bid. Well said, Mr. Flash; be in a passion. Tag. [To FRIBBLE.] Don't mind his looks, he changes colour already; to him, to him! [Pushes him. Frib. Don't hurry me, Mrs. Tag, for Heaven's sake: I shall be out of breath before I begin, if you do-sir-[TO FLASH.] If you can't speak to a gentleman in another manner, sir-why, then, I'll venture to say, you had better hold your tongue-oons. Flash. Sir, you and I are of different opi nions. Frib. You and your opinions may go to the devil-take that. [Turns off to TAG. Tag. Well said, sir; the day's your own. Bid. What's the matter, Mr. Flash? Is all your fury gone! Do you give me up? Frib. I have done his business. [Struts about. Flash. Give you up, madam! No, madam, when I am determined in my resolutions, I am always calm; 'tis our way, madam: and now I shall proceed to business-Sir, I beg to say a word to you in private. Frib. Keep your distance, fellow, and I'll answer you. That lady has confessed a passion for me; and, as she has delivered up her heart into my keeping, nothing but my 'art's blood shall purchase it. Damnation! Tag. Bravo! bravo! Flash. If those are the conditions, I'll give you earnest for it directly. [Draws.] Now, villain, renounce all right and title this minute, or the torrent of my rage will overflow my reason, and I shall annihilate the nothingness of your soul and body in an instant. Frib. I wish there was a constable at hand to take us both up; we shall certainly do one another a prejudice. Tag. No, you won't indeed, sir; pray, bear up to him; if you would but draw your sword, and be in a passion, he would run away directly. Frib. Will he? [Draws.] Then I can no longer contain myself Hell and the furies! Come on, thou savage brute! Tag. Go on, sir. [Here they stand in fighting postures, while BIDDY and TAG push them forward. Flash. Come on, sir! Bid. Go on. Frib. Come on, rascal! Enter CAPTAIN LOVEIT and PUFF. Capt. What's the matter, gentlemen? [They both keep their fencing posture. Flash. Don't part us, sir! Frib. No, pray sir, don't part us; we shall do you a mischief, Cap. Puff, look to the other gentlemen, and call a surgeon. Capt. Had not you the misfortune, sir, to be missing at the last engagement in Flanders? Flash. I was found amongst the dead in the field of battle. Puff. He was the first that fell, sir-the wind of a cannon ball struck him flat upon his face: he had just strength enough to creep into a ditch; and there he was found after the battle in a most deplorable condition. Capt. Pray, sir, what advancement did you get by the service of that day? Flash. My wounds rendered me unfit for service, and I sold out. Puff. Stole out, you mean. Frib. He, he, he! Capt. And now, sir, how have you dared to show your face in open day, or wear even the outside of a profession you have so much scandalized by your behaviour?- -I honour the name of a soldier; and, as a party concerned, am bound not to see it disgraced. As you have forfeited your title to honour, deliver up your sword this instant. Flash. Nay, good Captain-- [Takes his sword. Frib. He's a sad scoundrel- -I wish I had kicked him. Capt. The next thing I command-Leave this house, change the colour of your clothes, and fierceness of your looks; appear from top to toe the wretch, the very wretch thou art: If e'er I meet thee in the military dress again, or if you put on looks that bely the native baseness of thy heart, be it where it will, this shall be the reward of thy impudence and disobedience. [Kicks him; he runs off. Frib. What an infamous rascal it is!--I thank you, sir, for this favour; but I must after, and cane him. [Going, is stopt by the CAPTAIN. Capt. One word with you too, sir. Frib. With me, sir! Capt. You need not tremble; I shan't use you roughly. Frib. I am certain of that, sir; but I am sadly troubled with weak nerves. Capt. Thou art of a species too despicable for correction; therefore be gone; and if I see you here again, your insignificancy shan't protect Bid. Ha, ha, ha! Tag. Puff. Bless me! how can you stand under you. your wounds, sir? Frib. Am I hurt, sir! Puff. Hurt, sir! why, you have-let me seepray, stand in the light-one, two, three, through the heart! and, let me sec-hum-eight through the small guts! Come, sir, make it up the round dozen, and then we'll part you. All. Ha, ha, ha! Capt. Come here, Puff! [Whispers and looks at FLASH. Puff. Tis the very same, sir. Capt. [To FLASH.] Pray, sir, have I not had the pleasure of seeing you abroad? Flash. I have served abroad. Frib. I am obliged to you for your kindness. Well, if ever I have any thing to do with intrigues again-Miss Biddy, your servantCaptain, your servant-Mrs. Tag, yours-Old soldier, yours! Puff. Boh! [In FRIBBLE's face, as he is going out. Frib. O lard! [Exit. All. Ha, ha, ha! Puff. Shall I ease you of your trophy, sir? Capt. Take it, Puff, as a small recompense for thy fidelity; thou can'st better use it than its |