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Es. I must first be informed, sir, for what nerally behind the scenes of both playbouses ; purpose you drink them.
not, you may imagine, to be diverted with the Fine Gent. You must know, philosopher, I play, but to intrigue, and shew myself stand want to forget two qualities M y modesty upon the stage, talk loud, and stare about, and my good-nature,
Es. Your modesty and your good-nature! dience; upon which the galleries, who hate the
Fine Gent. Yes, sir-I have such a consum- appearance of one of us, begin to hiss, and cry, mate modesty, that when a fine woman (which off! off! while I undaunted stamp my foot sois often the case) yields to my addresses, egad Il loll with my shoulder thus-take snuff with my run away from her; and I am so very good-na- right hand, and smile scornfully-thus-This tured, that when a man affronts me, egad I run exasperates the savages, and they attack us away too.
with vollies of sucked oranges, and half-eaten Æs. As for your modesty, sir, I am afraid you pipping are come to the wrong waters and if you Es. And you retire. would take a large cup to the forgetfulness of Fine Geni. Without doubt, if I am sober; for your fears, your good-nature, I believe, would orange will stain silk, and an apple may disfitrouble you no more.
gure a feature. Fine Gent. And this is your advice, my dear, Æs. I am afraid, sir, for all this, that you are eh?
obliged to your own imagination, for more than Æs. My advice, sir, would go a great deal three-fourths of your importance. farther-I would advise you to driok to the for- Fine Gent, Damn the old prig, I'll bully him. getfulness of every thing you know.
[Aside. -Look'e, old philosopher, I find you Fine Gent. The devil you would! then I have passed your time so long in gloom and igshould have travelled to a fine purpose truly; norance below here, that our notions above you don't imagine, perhaps, that I have been stairs, are too refined for you; so as we are three years abroad, and have made the tour of not likely to agree, I shall cut matters very Europe?
short with you-Bottle me off the waters I Æs. Yes, sir, I guessed you had travelled, by want, or you shall be convinced that I have couyour diess and conversation; but pray, (with rage in the drawing of a cork: dispatch me insubmission) what valuable inprovcincots have stantly, or I sball make bold to throw you into you made in these travels?
the river, and help myself.--What say you to that Fine Gent. Sir, I learnt drinking in Ger- now, eh? many, music and painting in Italy, dancing, Æs. Very civil and concise !—I have no gaming, and some other amusements, at Paris, great inclination to put your manhood to the and in Holland faith, nothing at all; I trial ; so, if you will be pleased to walk in the brought over with me the best collection of grove there, till I have examined some I sec Venetian ballads, two eunuchs, a French coming, we'll compromise the affair between dancer, and a monkey, with tooth-picks, pic-us. tures, and burlettas- In short, I have skimm'd! Fine Gent, Yours, as you behave, au revoir! the cream of every nation, and have the conso
[Exit Fine Gent. lation to declare, I never was in any country in my life, but I had taste enough thoroughly to
Enter Mr. Bowman, hastily. despise my own.
Bow. Is your name Æsop? Es. Your country is greatly obliged to you; Æs. It is, sir, your commands with me? but if you are settled in it now, how can your Bow. My Lord Chalkstone, to whom I have taste and delicacy endure it?
the honour to be a friend and companion, has Fine Gent. Faith, my existence is merely sup- sent me before, to know if you are at leisure to ported by amusements; I dress, visit, study receive his lordship. taste, and write sonnets; by birth, travel, edu- Æs. I am placed here on purpose to receive cation, and natural abilities, I am entitled to every mortal that attends our summons. lead the fashion; I am principal connoisseur at Bow. My lord is not of the common race all auctions, chief arbiter at assemblies, profess- of mortals, I assure you ; and you must look ed critic at the theatres, and a five gentleman | upon this visit as a particular honour, for he every where.
is so much afflicted with the gout and rheumaÆs. Critic, sir, pray wbat's that?
tism, that we had much ado to get him across Fine Gent. The delight of the ingenious, the the river. terror of poets, the scourge of players, and the Æs. His lordship has certainly some pressing aversion of the vulgar.
occasion for the waters, that he endures such Æs. Pray, sir, (for I fancy your life must be inconveniences to get at them. somewhat particular) how do you pass your Bou. No occasion at all--his legs indeed fail time; the day, the day, for instance?
him a little, but his heart is as sound as ever, Fine Gent. I lie in bed all day, sir.
nothing can hurt his spirits ; ill or well, liis lordEs, How do you spend your evenings then ? ship is always the best company, and the mere Fine Gent, I dress in the evening, and go ge- riest in the family,
Æs. I have very little time for mirth and good made use of by people of fashion : all disputes company; but I'll lessen the fatigue of his jour- about politics, operas, trade, gaming, horseney, and meet him half way.
| racing, or religion, are determined now by six Pow. His lordship is here already. There's a sto four, and two to 'one; and persons of quaspirit! Mr. Esop.There's a great man! See lity are by this method most agreeably rehow superior he is tu his infirmities : such a soul leased from the hardship of thinking or reasonought to have a better body.
ing upon any subject.
Æs. Very convenient, truly! Enter MERCURY with Lord CHALKSTONE.
| L. Chalk. Convenient ! aye, and moral too.
| This invention of betting, unknown to you L. Chalk. Not so fast, Monsieur Mercury, you Greeks, among many other virtues, prevents are a little too nimble for me.-Well, Bow-bloodshed, and preserves family affections man, have you found the philosopher?
Æs. Prevents bloodshed! Bow. This is be, my lord, and ready to receive L. Chalk. I'll tell you how; when gentlemen your commands.
quarrelled heretofore, what did they do? L. Chalk. Ha! ha! ha! There he is, pro- they drew their swords I have been run fecto "toujours le meme : [ Looking at him through the body my self, but no matter for through a glass.] I should have known him at that--what do they do now? They draw their a mile distance a most noble personage in- purses-before the lye can be given, a wager is deed! and truly Greek from top to toe.- Most ( laid; and so, instead of resenting, we pocket venerable Esop, I am in this world, and the our affronts. other, above and below, yours most sincerely. Æs. Most casuistically argued indeed, my
Æs. I am yours, my lord, as sincerely, and I lord-But how can it preserve family affecwish it was in my power to relieve your misfor- tions? tune.
L. Chalk. I'll tell you that too-An old L. Chalk. Misfortune! What misfortune? woman, you'll allow, Mr. Æsop, at all times, I am neither a porter nor a chairman, Mr. to be but a bad thing-What say you, BowEsop; my legs can bear my body to my man? friends and my bottle ; I want no more with Pow. A very bad thing indeed, my lord. them; the gout is welcome to the rest-eh, L. Chalk. Ergo, an old woman with a good Bowman!
constitution, and a damned large jointure upon Bow. Your lordship is in fine spirits ! your estate, is the devil My mother was Æs. Does not your lordship go through a the very thing--and yet from the moment I great deal of pain?
pitted her, I never once wished her dead, but L. Chalk. Pain! aye, and pleasure too; eh, I was really uneasy when she tumbled down Bowman! when I am in pain, I curse and stairs, and did not speak a single word for a swear it away again, and the moment it is gone, whole fortnight. I lose no time; I drink the same wines, cat Es. Affectionate indeed! -- but what does the same dishes, keep the same hours, the your lordship mean by pitted her? same company; and, notwithscanding the gra- L. Chalk. 'Tis a term of ours upon these ocvity of my wise doctors, I would not abstain casions-I backed her life against two old from French wines and French cookery, to save countesses, an aunt of Sir Harry Rattle's that the souls and bodies of the whole College of was troubled with an asthma, my fat landlady Physicians
at Salthill, and the mad woman at Tunbridge, Æs. My lord has fine spirits indeed!
at five hundred each per annum : she out-lived
[To Bowmax. them all but the last, by which means I hedged L. Chalk. You don't imagine, philosopher, off a damned jointure, made her life an advanthat I have hobbled here with a bundle of com- tage to me, and so continued my filial affcctions plaints at my back. My legs, indeed, are to her last moments. something the worse for wear, but your waters, s. I am fully satisfied-and, in return, your I sappose, cannot change or make them better : lordship may command me, for if they could, you certainly would have try'd L. Chalk. None of your waters for me; damn the virtues of them upon your own-eh, Bow- them all; I never drink any but at Bath-I man? Ha, ha, ha!
came merely for a little conversation with you, Bow. Bravo, my lord, bravo!
and to see your Elysian Fields here-[Looking Æs. My imperfections are from head to foot, about through his glass.] which, by the bye, as well as your lordship's.
Mr. Æsop, are laid out most detestably No L. Chalk. I beg your pardon there, sir; taste, no fancy in the whole world !-Your river though my body's impaired, my head is as good there-what d'ye call-as ever it was, and as a proof of this, I'll lay Es. Styx you a hundred guineas
L. Chalk. Ay, Styx-why, 'tis as straight as Æs. Does your lordship propose a wager as a fleet-ditch- Yon should bave given it a serproof of the goodness of your head?
pentine sweep, and slope the banks of it-The L. Chalk. And why not? Wagers are now-a-l place, indeed, has very fine capabilities; but days the only proofs and arguments that are you should clear the wood to the left, and
Mrs. Tat. What signifies what you think, I every body, and loves nobody ; ridicules her if I don't think so? We are quite tired of friends, coquets with her lovers, sets them tooge another, and are come to diink some of gether by the ears, tells fibs, makes mischief, your Le-Lethaly-Lethily, I think they call buys china, cheats at cards, keeps a pug dog, it, to forget one another, and be unmarried and hates the parsons; she lauglis much, talks again,
loud, never blushes, says wbat she will, does Es. The waters can't divorce you, madam ; what she will, goes where she will, marries and you may easily forget him, without the as- whom she please's, hates her husband in a month, sistance of Lethe.
breaks his heart in four, becomes a widow, slips Mrs. Tat. Ay! how so?
from her gallants, and begins the world again Æs. By remembering continually he is your | There's a life for you! what do you think of a busband; there are several ladies have no other fine lady now? receipt- But what does the gentleman say to s. As I expected, you are very young, lady; this?
and if you are not very careful, your natural Ufrs. Tat, Wbat signifies what he says! I an't propensity to noise and affectation will run you 50 young and so foolish as that comes to, to be headlong into folly, extravagance, and repentdirected by my husband, or lo care what either ance. le says, or you say.
Mrs. Tat. What would you have me do? Hr. Tat. Sir, I was a drummer in a march- Æs. Drink a large quantity of Lethe to the ing regiment, when I ran away with that young loss of your acquaintance; and do you, sir, drink Lide- I inmediately bouyht out of the corps, another to forget this false
| another to forget this false step of your wife; and thought myself made for ever: little ima- | for whilst you remember her folly, you can pun, that a poor vain fellow was purchasing never thoroughly regard ber;-and whilst you jurtune, at the expense of his happiness. keep good company, lady, as you call it, and
Es, 'Tis even so, friend ; fortune and fe-follow their example, you can never have a ally are as often at variance, as man and just regard for your husband; so both drink wife.
and be happy. Mr. Tat. I found it so, sir: tbis high life (as Mrs. Tat. Well, give it me whilst I am in the I thought it) did not agree with me; I have humour, or I shall certainly change my mind not laughed, and scarcely slept since my ad- again. vancement; and unless your wisdorn can alter Es. Be patient, till the rest of the company ber notions, I must een quit the blessings of a drink, and divert yourself, in the mean time, fue lady and her portion ; and, for content, with walking in the grove. have recourse to eight-pence a day, and my Mrs. Tat. Well, come along, husband, and drum again.
keep me in humour, or I shall beat you such an Es. Pray, who has advised you tu a sepa- alarm as you never beat in all your life. fation?
[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Tatoo. Jirs. Tat. Several young ladies of my acquantance, who tell me, they are not angry at
Enter Frenchman, singing. Die for marrying him; but being fond of him Time I bare married him; and they say I sijould French, Monsieur, votre serviteur-Pourle as complete a fine lady as any of them, quoi ne repondez vous pas? je dis que je suis "I would but procure a separate divorce- | votre serviteurbent.
Æs. I don't understand you, sir. Es. Pray, madam, will you let me know French. Ah, le barbare ! il ne parle pas what you call a fine lady?
François. Vat, sir, you no speak de French SIrs, Tat, Why, a fine lady, and a fine gen-| tongue? fleman, are two of the finest things upon earth. Æs. No really, sir, I am not so polite. Æs. I have just now had the honour of know- French. En verité, Monsieur Esop, you have
what a fine gentleman is; so pray confine not much politesse, if one may judge by your yourself to the lady.
figure and appearance. Mrs. Tot. A fine lady, before marriage, lives! Es. Nor you much wisdom, if one may judge Sith ler papa and manma, who breed her up of your bead, by the ornaments about it. wil she learns to despise them, and resolves to French. Qu'est cela douc? Vat you mean to do nothing they bid her; this makes her such | front a man, sir? a prodigious favourite, that she wants for no Æs. No, sir, 'tis to you I am speaking.
French. Vel, sir, I not a man! vat is you És. So, lady.
take me for? Vat I beast ? vat 1 horse ? parMrs. Tat. When once she is her own mis bleu ! tess, then comes the pleasure!
Es. If you insist upon it, sir, I would advise Es. Pray let us bear.
you to lay aside your wings and tail, for they Jis. Tat. She lies in bed all morning, rattles undoubtedly eclipse your manhood. at all day, and sets up all night ; she gocs French. Upon my vard, sir, it you trent a every where, and sees every thing; kuows
I gentilhomme of my rank and qualité comme ça,
depend upon it, I shall be a litel en cavalier owes money, should make the same demand, vit you.
we should have no water left for our other cusÆs. Pray, sir, of what rank and quality are tomiers. you?
French. Que voulez vou que je fasse donc? French. Sir, I am a marquis François; j'en. Vat must I do then, sir ? tens les beaux arts, sir, I have been en advan- Æs. Marry the lady as soon as you can, pay turier all over the varld, and am a present en your debts with part of her portion, drink the Angleterre, in Inglande, vere I am more honoré water to forget your extravagance, retire with and caress den ever I was in my own countrie, her to your own country, and be a better ecoor inteed any vere else .
nomist for the future. .. .Æs, And pray, sir, what is your business in French. Go to my own countré ! Je vous England ?
demande pardon, I had much rather stay vere French. I am arrive dere, sir, pour polir la I am; -I cannot go dere, upon my vard nation-de Inglis, sir, have too much a lead in | Æs. Why not, iny friend? . . deir beels, and too much a tougbt in deir head; French. Entre nous, I had much rather pass so sir, if I can ligten bote, I shall make dem for one French marquis in Inglande, keep tout a fait François, and quite anoder ting. bonne compagnie, manger des delicatesses, and
Æs. Aud pray, sir, in what particular accom-do no ting at all; dan keep a shop en Provence, plislıments does your merit consist ?
couper and friser les cheveux, and live upon French, Sir, I speak de French, j'ai bonne soup and sallade de rest of my life , addresse, I dance un minuet, I sing des littel Æs. I cannot blame you for your choice; and chansons, and I have une tolerable assurance: if other people are so blind, not to distinguish en ha, sir, my merit consist in one vard—I am the barber from the fine gentleman, their folly a foreignere--and entre nous-vile de Englis be must be their punishment and you shall take so great a fool to love de foreignere better dan the benefit of the water with them. demselves, de foreignere vould still be more French. Monsieur Esop, sans flatterie ou great a fool, did dey not leave their own coun-compliments, I am your very humble serviteur terie, vere dey have nothing at all, and come -Jean Frisseron en Provence, ou Le Marquis to Inglande, vere dey vant for nothing at all, de Pouville en Angleterre. Erit Frenchman. pardie- Cela n'est il pas vrai, Monsieur Es. Shield ine and defend ine! another fine Æsop?
lady! Æs. Well, sir, what is your business with me? French. Attendez un peu, you shall bear, sir
Enter Mrs. Riot. -I am in love rit de grande fortune of one Mrs. Riot. A monster! a filthy brute ! your Englis lady; and de lady, she be in love with watermen are as unpolite upou the Styx as upon niy qualité and bagatelles. Now, sir, ine vant the Thames-Stow a lady of fashion with tradestwenty or tirty douzains of your vaters, for fear men's wives and mechanics- Ah! what's I be obligé to leave Ioglande, before I have fini this! Serbeerus or Plutus? Seeing Esop. Am dis grande affaire.
I to be frighted with all the monsters of this inÄs. Twenty or thirty dozen ! for what? ternal world!
French. For my crediteurs; to make them! Es. What is the matter, lady? forget de vay to my lodgement, and no trouble Mrs. Riot. Every thing is the matter, my me for de future,
spirits are uncomposed, and every circumstance Æs. What, have you so inany creditors about me in a perfect dilemma.
French. So many! begar I have them dans Æs. What has disordered you thus? tous les quartiers de la ville, in all parts of de Mrs. Riot. Your filthy boatman, Scarrow, town, fait
there. Æs. Wonderful and surprising !
Es. Charon, lady, you mean. French. Vonderful! vat is vonderful--dat! Mrs. Riot. And who are you, you ugly cresI should borrow money?
ture, you? If I see any more of you I shall die Es. No, sir, that any body should lend it with temerity. you
Æs. The wise think me handsome, madam. French. En verité vous vous trompez; you do! Mrs. Riot. I hate the wise. But who are mistake it, mon ami: if fortune give nie no mo- you? ney, nature gives me des talens; j'ai des talens, Æs. I am sop, madam, honoured this day Monsieur Æsop; vech are de same ting- par by Proserpine with the distribution of the waters example; de Englisman have de money, I have of Lethe. Command me. de flatterie and boune addresse; and a little of Mrs. Riot, Shew me to the pump room then, dat from a French tongue is very good credit fellow- where's the company? I die in 50and securité for tuusand pound-Eh bien donc ! | litude. sal I have dis twenty or tirty douzaines of your Æs. What company? vater? Ouy, ou pon? : :
Mrs. Riot. The best company, people of faÆs. 'Tis impossible, sir.
shion! the beau monde! shew me to none of French. Impossible ! pourquoi donc ? vy not? your gloomy souls, who wander about in your Æs, Because, if every fine gentleman, who I groves and streams ;-shew me to glittering balls,