Luc. I'd no more be bound to spend my days in marriage to a fool, because I might rule him, than I would always ride an ass, because the creature was gentle. Cla. See, here's Scapin, as full of designs and affairs, as a callow statesman at a treaty of peace. Enter SCAPIN. Sca. Ladies! Cla. Oh, monsieur Scapin! What's the reason you have been such a stranger of late? Sco. Faith, ladies, business, business has taken up my time; and truly I love an active life, love my business extremely. Luc. Methinks though, this should be a difficult place for a man of your excellencies to find empoyment in. Sca. Why faith, madam, I'm never shy to my friends: my business is, in short, like that of all other men of business, diligently contriving how to play the knave, and cheat to get an honest livelihood. Cla. Certainly men of wit and parts need never be driven to indirect courses. well Sca. Oh, madam! wit and honesty, like oil and vinegar, with much ado mingle together, give a relish to a good fortune, and pass Cough far sauce, but are very thin fare of themselves. No, give me your knave, your thoroughpaced knave; hang his wit, so he be but rogue enough. Luc. You're grown very much out of humour with wit, Scapin; I hope your's has done you no prejudice of late? Sca. Difficulties in adventures, make them pleasant whem accomplished. Shift. But your adventures, how comical soever in the beginning, are sure to be tragical in the end. Sca. 'Tis no matter; I hate your pusillanimous spirit revenge and lechery are never so pleasant as when you venture hard for them; begone! Here comes my man. [Exit SHIFT. Enter GRIPE. Oh, sir, sir, shift for yourself! quickly sir! quickly sir! for Heaven's sake! Gripe. What's the matter, man? Sca. Heaven! is this a time to ask questions? Will you be murdered instantly? I am afraid you will be killed within these two minutes! Gripe. Mercy on me! killed! for what? Sca. They are every way looking out for you. Sca. The brother of her whom your son has all sorts of rogues, English, Scotch, Welch, married; he's a captain of a privateer, who has in wait now, or searching for you to kill you Irish, French, under his command, and all lying because you would null the marriage: they run up Where is the dog? Where is the slave Gripe? and down crying, Where is the rogue Gripe? They watch for you so narrowly, that there's no getting home to your house. will become of me? Gripe. Oh, Scapin! what shall I do? What Sca. Nay, Heaven knows; but, if you come within their reach, they will De Wit you; they Sca. No madam; your men of wit are goodwill tear you in pieces! Hark! for nothing, dull, lazy, restive snails; 'tis your undertaking, impudent, pushing fool, that commands his fortune. Cia. You are very open and plain in this proceeding, whatever you are in others. Sca. Dame Fortune, like most others of the female sex (I speak all this with respect to your ladyship), is generally most indulgent to the ninible mettled blockheads; men of wit are not for her turn, ever too thoughtful when they should be active: Why, who believes any man of wit to have so much as courage? No, ladies, it yo've any friends that hope to raise themselves, advise them to be as much fools as they can, and they'll never want patrons: and for honesty, if your ladyship think fit to retire a little forther, you shall see me perform upon a gentleman that's coming this way. Cla. Prithee, Lucia, let us retreat a little, and take this opportunity of some divertisement, which has been very scarce here hitherto. Enter SHIFT, with a Sack. Gripe. O Lord! Sca. Hum! 'tis none of them. Gripe. Canst thou find no way for my escape, dear Scapin. Sea. I think I have found one. Gripe. Good Scapin, show thyself a man, now. Sca. I shall venture being most immoderately beaten. bounteously: I'll give the this suit, when I have Gripe. Dear Scapin, do: I will reward thee worn it eight or nine months longer. Sca. Listen! who are these? Gripe. God forgive me! Lord have mercy upon us! Sca. No, there's nobody: Look, if you'll save your life, go into this sack presently. Gripe. Oh! who's there? Sca. Nobody: Get into the sack, and stir not, of goods, through all your enemies, to the major's whatever happens: I'll carry you as a bundle house of the castle. Gripe. An admirable invention ! Oh! Lord! quick. [Gets into the suck. Sca. Yes, 'tis an excellent invention, if you knew all. Keep in your head, Oh, here's a rogue coming to look for you! SCAPIN counterfeits a Welshman. Do you hear, I pray you? Where is Leander's father, took you? B In his own voice. How should I know? what would you have with him?-Lie close. [Aside to GRIPE, Have with him! look you, hur has no creat pus'ness, but hur would have satisfactions and reparations, look you, for credit and honours; by St. Tavy, he shall not put the injuries and affronts upon my captains, look you now, sir. He affront the captain! he meddles with no man. You lie, sir, look you, and hur will give you beatings and chastisements, for your contradictions, when hur Welse plood is up, look you, and hur will cudgel your pack and your nootles for it ; take you that now. [Beats the sack. Hold, hold; will you murder me ? I know not where he is, not I. Hur will teach saucy jacks how they provoke hur Welse ploods and hur collars: and for the old hur will have his guts and his plood, look you, sir, or hur will never wear leak upon St. Tavy's day more, look you. rogue, On! he has mauled me! a damned Welsh rascal. Now, the Devil take me, I swear by him that made me, if thou dost not tell where is Gripe, but I will beat thy father's child very much indeed! What would you have me do? I cannot tell where he is. But what would you have with him? What would I have with him? By my shoul, if I do see him, I will make murder upon him for my captain's sake. Murder him? he'll not be murdered. If I do lay my eyes upon him, gad I will put my sword into his bowels, the devil take me indeed. What hast thou in that sack, joy? By my salvation, I will look into it. Gripe. You! the blows fell upon my shoul-it. ders. Oh! Sca. 'Twas only the end of the stick fell on you; the main substantial part of the cudgel lighted on me. Gripe. Why did you not stand further off? In a Lancashire dialect. yaw Yaw fellee wi' th' sack there, done knaw whear th' awd rascal Griap is? Not I; but he is no rascal. Yau leen, yau douge; yau knaw weel enugh whear he is, and yawden tell, and that he is a fow rascot as any in aw the town; I's tell a that "by'r lady. Not I, sir; I know neither not I. By th'mess, an ay tack thee in hont, ay's raddle the bones on thee; ay's keeble thee to some him? Why, Imun knock him down with my kibbo, the first bawt to the grawnt, and then I mun beat him to pap, by th' mess, and after ay mun cut off the lugs and naes on 'em, and ay wot, he'll be a pretty swatley fellce, bawt lugs and naes. Why, truly sir, I know not where he is; but he went down that Lane. This lone, saun ye? Ays find him, by'r lady, an he be above grawnt. So, he's gone; a damned Lancashire rascal! Gripe. Oh! good Scapin! go on quickly, [GRIPE pops in his head. Sca. Hold; here's another. But you shall not. What have you to do with By my soul, joy, I will put my rapier into it! Gripe. Oh! oh! What, it does grunt, by my salvation, the devil take me, I will see it indeed. You shall not sce my sack; I'll defend it with my life. Then I will make beat upon thy body; take that, joy, and that, and that, upon my shoul, and so I do take my leave, joy. [Beats him in the sack, A plague on him,he's gone; he has almost killed me. Gripe. I can hold no longer the blows all fell upon my shoulders. Sca. You can't tell me; they fell on mine: oh my shoulders. Gripe. Your's? Oh my shoulders. In a hoarse Seaman's voice. Where is the dog? I'll lay him on fore and aft, swinge him with a cat-o'-nine tail, keel haul and then hang him at the main yard. In broken French English. If there be no more men in England, I vill kill him; I vill put my rapier in his body. I vill give him two tree pushe in de gutte. Here SCAPIN acts a number of them together. We must go this way-'o the right hand? no to th' left hand-lie close-search every where— by my salvation, I will kill the damned dog-and we do catch 'em, we'll tear 'em in pieces, and I do hear he went thick way-no, straight forward. Hold, here is his man; where is your master-Damn me, where ? In hell? Speak Hold, not so furiously--and you don't tell us Do what you will, gentlemen I know not. my master. Knock 'en down; beat 'en soundly; to'en, at 'en, at 'en, at [As he is going to strike, GRIPE peeps out, and SCAPIN takes to his heels. Gripe. Oh, dog, traitor, villain! Is this your plot? Would you have murdered me, rogue? Unheard of impudence! Enter THRIFTY. Oh, brother Thrifty! You come to see me loaden with disgrace; the villain Scapin has, as I am sensible now, cheated me of 2001. This beating brings all into my memory. Thrifly. The impudent varlet has gulled me of the same sun. my father, and all our fears and troubles are at an end. Thrifty. Lo ye now, you would be wiser than the father that begot you, would you? Did not I always say you should marry Mr. Gripe's daughter? But you do not know your sister Luce. Oct. Unlooked for blessing! Why, she's my friend Leander's wife? Thrifty. How? Leander's wife! Gripe. Indeed! Well, brother Thrifty, 'tis true the boy was always a good-natured boy.Well, now I am so overjoyed, that I could laugh till I shook my shoulders, but that I dare not, they are so sore. But look, here he comes. Enter LEANDER. Lean. Sir, I beg your pardon; I find my marriage is discovered; nor would I, indeed, have longer concealed it; this is my wife, I must own her. Gripe. Brother Thrifty, did you ever see the like? did you ever see the like? ha! Thrifty. Own her, quotha! Why, kiss her, Gripe. Nor was he content to take my money, but has abused me at that barbarous rate, that I am ashamed to tell it; but he shall pay for it svercly. Thrifty. But this is not all, brother; one mis-kiss her, man; odsbodikins, when I was a young fortune is the forerunner of another: Just now fellow, and was first married, I did nothing else I have received letters from London, that both for three months. our daughters have run away from their goverDesses, with two wild debauched young fellows, that they fell in love with. Enter LUCIA and CLARA. Luc. Was ever so malicious impudence seen? Ha! Surely, if I mistake not, that should be my father. Cla. And the other mine, whom Scapin has used thus. Luc. Bless us! returned, and we not know of it? Cla. What will they say to find us here? Luc. The same, sir. Cla. Yes, sir; and happy to see your safe arrival. Thrifty. What strange destiny has directed this happiness to us? Enter OCTAVIAN. Gripe. Hey-day! Thrifty. Oh, so! I have a wife for you. Oct. Good father, all your propositions are sin; I must needs be free, and tell you I am ⚫gaged. Thrifty. Look you now: is not this very fine? Now I have a mind to be merry, and to be friends with you, you'll not let me now, will you? I tell you, Mr. Gripe's daughter, here Oct. I'll never marry Mr. Gripe's daughter, sir, as long as I live: No, yonder she is, that I must love, and can never entertain the thoughts of any other. Clu. Yes, Octavian, I have at last met with Gripe. Well, 'tis his father's nown child. Just so, brother, was it with me upon my weddingday; I could not look upon my dear without blushing; but when we were a-bed, Lord ha' mercy upon us!--but I'll no more. Lean. Is, then, my father reconciled to me? Gripe. Reconciled to thee! Why, I love thee at my heart, man, at my heart; why, 'tis my brother Thrifty's daughter, Mrs. Lucy, whom I always designed for thy wife; and that's thy sister Clara, married to Mr. Octa, there. Lean. Octavian, are we then brothers? There is nothing that I could have rather wished, after compleating of my happiness with my charming Lucia. Thrifty. Come, sir, hang up your compliments in the hall at home; they are old, and out of fashion: Shift, go to the inn, and bespeak a supper may cost more money than I have got to pay for it, for I am resolved to run in debt to-night. ter up Shift. I shall obey your commands, sir. Thrifty. Then, d'ye hear, send out and musall the fiddlers, blind or not blind, drunk or sober, in the town; let not so much as the roaster of tunes, with his cracked cymbal in a pressible grief that I should dare to lift my hand against Gripe. Hold thy peace, or die quickly; I tell thee I have forgot all Sca. Alas! How good a man you are! But, sir, d'ye pardon me freely, and from the bottom of your heart, those merciless drubs that Gripe. Prithee, speak no more of it; I forgive thee freely; here's my hand upon't. Sca. Oh, sir, how much your goodness re[Pulls off his cap. Enter ScAPIN between two, his head wrapt up in vives me! linen, as if he had been wounded. Sca. Oh me! Oh me! Gentlemen, you see me, you see me in a sad condition, cut off like a flower in the prime of my years; but yet I could not die, without the pardon of those I have wronged; yes, gentlemen, I beseech you to forgive me all the injuries that I have done; but more especially I beg of you, Mr. Thrifty, and my good master, Mr. Gripe. Thrifty. For my part, I pardon thee freely; go, and die in peace. Sca. But 'tis you, sir, I have most offended, by the inhuman bastinadoes which Gripe. Prithee, speak no more of it; I forgive thee, too. Sca. 'Twas a most wicked insolence in me, that I should, with vile crabtree, cudgel Gripe. Pish! no more; I say I am satisfied. Gripe. How's that! Friend, take notice, I pardon thee; but 'tis upon condition, that you are sure to die. Sca. Oh me! I begin to faint again. Thrifty, Come, fie, brother! never let revenge employ your thoughts now; forgive him, forgive him without any condition. Gripe. A deuce on't, brother! as I hope to be saved, he beat me basely and scurvily, never stir he did: but, since you will have it so, I do forgive him. Thrifty. Now then, let's to supper, and in our mirth drown and forget all troubles. Sca. Ay, and let them carry me to the lower end of the table; Where, in my chair of state, I'll sit at ease, And eat and drink, that I may die in peace. [A dance.] [Exeunt omnes. A lawyer's is an honest employment; so is mine: like me, too, he acts in a double capa PEACHUM Sitting at a table, with a large book of city, both against rogues and for them; for accounts before him. AIR.-An old woman clothed in gray. THROUGH all the employments of life, Whore and rogue they call husband and wife; And the statesman, because he's so great, 'tis but fitting that we should protect and encourage cheats, since we live by them. Enter FILCH. Filch. Sir, Black Moll hath sent word her trial comes on in the afternoon; and she hopes you will order matters so as to bring her off. Peach. Why, as the wench is very active and industrious, you may satisfy her, that I'll soften the evidence. Filch. Tom Gagg, sir, is found guilty. Peach. A lazy dog; when I took him the |