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| at home, and finished a fop at abroad; together
with the direction of a marriageable, and thereCrab discovered reading.
fore an unmanageable, wench; and all this to And I do constitute my very good friend,
án old fellow of sixty-six, who heartily hates buGiles Crab, Esq. of St. Martin's in the Fields, siness, is tired
siness, is tired of the world, and despises every erecutor to this my will; and do appoint him
thing in it. Why, how the devil came I to guardian to my ward, Lucinda; and do submit to his direction the management of all my af
Enter Servant. fairs till the return of my son from his travels; whom I do entreat my said erecutor, in consi
1 Ser. Mr. Latitat of Staple's Inn. deration of our ancient friendship, to advise, to
Crab. So, here begin my plagues. Shew the counsel, &c. &c.
o Ruck?," hound in. A good, pretty legacy! Let's see; I find myself
Enter LATITAT, with a bag, fc. heir, by this generous devise of my very good friend, to ten actious at common law, nine suits Lat. I would, Mr. Crab, have attended your in chancery; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby suminons immediately; but I was obliged to sign
judgment in error at the common pleas; soe out, and the whereby; the statute common, and cusof the exchequer a writ of quæ minus ; and sur-tomary: or, as Plowden classically and elegantly render in banco regis the defendant, before the expresses it,'tis return of sci fa, to discharge the bail.
Mos commune vetus mores, consulta, senatus, Crab. Prythee,man, none of thy unintelligible Her trinius
Hæc tria jus statuunt terra Britannia tibi. law-jargon to me; but tell me, in the language of common sense and thy country, what I am
Crab. Zounds, sir, among all your laws, are to do?
there none to protect a man in his owu bouse? Lat. Why, Mr. Crab, as you are already pos
Lat. Sir, a man's house is his castellum, bis sessed of a probut, and letters of administration castle; and so tender is the law of any infringe de bonis are granted, you may sue or be sued. men
av sue or be sued. ment of that sacred right, that any attempt to inI hold it sound doctrine for no executor to dis
| vade it by force, fraud, or violence, clandestinely, charge debts, without a receipt upon record : this or di et armis, is not only deemed felonious, but can be obtained by no means but by an action.
burglarious. Now, sir, a burglary may be comNow actions, sir, are of various kinds: There mitted, either upon the dwelling, or the outare special actions; actions on the case, or as- house. sumpsits; actions of trover; actions of clausum
Crab. O lord ! O lord ! fregit ; actions of battery, actions of
Enter Servant. Crab. Hey, the devil, where's the fellow running now? But, hark ye, Latitat, why I thought! Ser. Your clerk, sir—The parties, he says, are all our law proceedings were directed to be in all i waiting at your chambers. English?
Lat. I come. I will but just explain to Mr. Lat. True, Mr. Crab ?
Crab the nature of a burglary, as it has been deCrab. And what do you call all this stuff, ha? / scribed by a late statute. Lat. English.
Crab. Žounds, sir! I have not the least curio Crab. The devil you do!
Lat. Vernacular! upon my honour, Mr. Crab. Lat. Sir, but every gentleman should knowFor as Lord Coke describes the common law to
| Crab. Dear sir, begone. be the perfection
Lat. But by the late acts of ParCrab. So here's a fresh deluge of impertinence. Crab. Help, you dog! Zounds ! sir, get out of A truce to thy authorities, I beg; and as I find my house! it will be impossible to understand thee without | Ser. Your clients, siran interpreter, if you will meet me at five, at Crab. Push him out! [The lawyer talking all Mr. Brief's chambers, where, if you have any the while.] So ho! Harkye, rascal, if you suffer thing to say, he will translate it for me.
that fellow to enter my doors again, I'll strip and Lat. Mr. Brief, sir, and translate, sir! Sir, I discard you the very next minute. (Exit Serwould have you to know, that no practitioner in vant.] This is but the beginning of my torments. Westminster-hall gives clearer
But that I expect the young whelp from abroad Crab. Sir, I believe it for which reason I every instant, I'd fly for it myself, and quit the have referred you to a man who never goes into kingdom at once. Westminster-hall. Lat. A bad proof of his practice, Mr. Crab.
Enter Serdant. Crab. A good one of his principles, Mr. Latitat.. Ser. My young master's travelling tutor, sir, Lat. Why, sir, do you think that a lawyer just arrived.
Crab. Zounds, sir! I never thought about a Crab. Oh, then I suppose the blockhead of a lawyer. The law is an oracular idol, you are the baronet is close at bis heels. Shew him in. This explanatory ministers ; nor should any of my bear-leader, I reckon now, is either the clumsy own private concerns have made me bow to your curate of the knight's parish church, or some beastly Baal. I bad rather lose a cause than needy Highlander, the outcast of his country, contest it. And had not this old doating dunce, who, with the pride of a German baron, the po Sir John Buck, plagued me with the management verty of a French marquis, the address of a Swiss of his money, and the care of his booby boy, soldier, and the learning of an academy-usher, bedlam should sooner have had me than the bar is to give our heir-apparent politeness, taste, li
Lat. Bedlam ! the bar! Since, sir, I am pro-terature-a perfect knowledge of the world, and voked, I don't know what your choice may be, of him or what your friends may choose for you: I wish I was your prochain ami : But I am under some
Enter MACRUTHEN. doubts as to the sanity of the testator, otherwise Mac. Maister Crab, I am your devoted ser. he could not have chosen for his executor, under vant. the sanction of the law, a person who despises Crab. Oh, a British chield, by the massthe law. And the law, give me leave to tell you, Well, where's your charge? Mr. Crab, is the bulwark, the fence, the protec- Mac. 0, the young baronet is o'the road. I tion, the sine qua non, the ne plus ultra was mighty afraid he had o'erta'en me; for, be
Crab. Mercy, good six and eightpence! |tween Canterbury and Rochester, I was stopt Lat. The defence, and offence, the by which I and robbed by a highwayman.
Crab. Robbed! what the devil could he robl. Mac. I have a little thought that may be useyou of?
ful to us baith. Mac. In gude troth, not a mighty booty. Bu- Crab. As how? chanan's history, Lauder against Melton, and twa Mac. Cou'd na we contrive to make a hond o' puod of high-dried Glasgow. .
the young baronet ? Crab. A good travelling equipage! Well, and Crab. Explain. what's become of your cubs where have you left Mac. Why you, by the will, have the care o' him?
the cash; and I can make a shift to manage the Mac. Main you Sir Charles? I left him at lad. Calis, with another young gentleman returning Crab. Oh, I conceive you! And so, between from his travels. But why ca' ye him cub, us both, we may contrive to ease him of that in
heritance wbich he knows not how properly to alteration.
employ, and apply it to our own use. You do Crab. Yes, yes; I have a shrewd guess at his know how, improvements.
Mac. Ye ha' hit it. Mac. He's quite a phenomenon.
Crab. Why, what a superlative rascal art thou, Crab. Oh, a comet, I dare swear; but not an thou inhospitable villain ! Under the roof, and in unusual one at Paris. The Fauxboury of St. the presence, of thy benefactor's representative, Germain's swarms with such, to the no small with almost his ill-bestowed bread in thy inouth, amusement of our very good friends the French. / art thou plotting the perdition of his only child!
Mac. Oh, the French were miglity fond of And from what part of my life didst thou derive him.
a hope of my compliance with such a hellish Crab. But as to the language, I suppose he's a scheme? perfect master of that?
Mrc. Maister Crab, I am of a nation Mac. He can caw for ought that he need; but) Crab. Of known honour and integrity,I allow he is na quite maister of the accent.
it. The kiogdom you have quitted, in consigping Crab. A most astonishing progress!
the care of its monarch, for ages, to your predeMac. Suspend your judgment a while, and cessors, in preference to its proper subjects, has you'll find him all you wish, allowing for the sal-given you a brilliant panegyric, that no other lies of juvenility; and I must take the vanity to people can parallel. myself of being, in a great measure, the author. Mac, Why, to be sure
Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful copy of Crab. And one happiness it is, that though nathe admirable original, he must be a finished tional glory can beam a brightness on particulars, piece.
the crimes of individuals can never reflect a disa Mac. You are pleased to compliment. grace upon their country.-Thy apology but ag
Crab. Not a whit. Well, and what-I sup-gravates thy guilt. pose you and your What's your name? Mac. Why, Maister Crab, IMac. Macruthen, at your service,
Crab. Guilt and confusion chonk thy uttere Crab. Macruthen! Hum! You and your pu-ance ! Avoid my sight! vanish! [Erit Mac.] pil agreed very well?
| A fine fellow this, to protect the person, informa Mac. Perfectly. The young gentleman is of the inexperience, direct and moderate the desires, an amiable disposition.
I of an unbridled boy! But can it be strange, Creb. Oh, ay; and it would be wrong to sour whilst the parent negligently accepts a superficial hus temper. You know your duty better, I hope, recommendation to so important a trust, that the than to contradict him?
person, whose wants, perhaps, more than his Mac. It was na for me, Maister Crab. abilities, make desirous of it, should consider the
Crab. Oh, by no means, Mr. Macruthen; all youth as a kind of property, and not study what your business was to keep him out of frays; to to make him, but what to make of him; and take care, for the sake of his health, that his thus prudently lay a foundation for his future wine was genuine, and his mistresses as they sordid hopes, by a criminal compliance with the should be. You pimped for him, I suppose ? lad's present prevailing passions ? But vice and
Mac. Pimp for him! D'ye mean to affront- folly rule the world-Without, there!
Crab. To suppose the contrary would be the affront, Mr. Tutor. What, man, you know the
Enter Servant.. world ? 'Tis not by contradiction, but by compliance, that men make their fortunes. And was Rascal, where do you run, blockhead? Bid the it for you to thwart the humnour of a lad, upon girl come hither.- Fresh instances, every mothe threshold of ten thousand pounds a year? ment, fortify my abhorrence, my detestation, of
Mac. Why, to be sure, great allowances must mankind. This turn may be termed misanbe made.
thropy, and imputed to chagrin and disappointe Crab. No doubt, no doubt!
ment: but it can only be by those fools who, Mac. I see, Maister Crab, you know man- through softness or ignorance, regard the faults kind. You are Sir John Buck's executor.
of others, like their own, through the wrong end Crab. True.
of the perspective.
1 for this puppy. But here he comes, light as the
cork in his heels, or the feather in his hat. So, what, I suppose your spirits are all afloat? You have heard your fellow's coming?
| Enter Buck, LORD JOHN, LA LOIRE, BEAR OIS, Luc. If you had your usual discernment, sir,
and MACRUTHEN. you would distinguish io my countenance an ex Buck. Not a word, mi lor ; jernie, it is not to pression very different from that of joy. be supported !-- after being rompu tout auf, dis
Crab Oh, what! I suppose your monkey has jointed by that execrable parè, to be tumbled broke his chain, or your parrot died in moult-into a kennel by a fillhy charbonnier, a dirty reing?
tailer of sea-coal, morbleu! · Luc. A person less censorious than Mr. Crab, Lord John. An accident that might have hapmight assign a more generous motive for my dis- peped any where, Sir Charles.' tress.
Buck. And then the hideous hootings of that Crab. Distress! A pretty poetical phrase ! detestable canaille, that murtherous mob, with What motive can'st thou have for distress? Has barbarous, · Monsieur in the mud, huzza! Ah, pot Sir Jolin Buck's death assured thy fortune? | pais sauvage, barbure, inhospitable! Ah, ah, and art not thou
qu'est ce-que nous avons ? Who? · Luc. By that very means, a helpless, unpro | Mac. That is Maister Crab, your father's exetected orphan.
cutor. Crab. Poh! prythee, wench, none of thy ro- Buck. Ha, ha, Serviteur tres humble, Monmantic cant to me. What, I know the sex: the sieur. Eh bien ! What? is he dumb? Mac, mi objects of every woman's wish are property and Lor, mort de ma vie, the veritable Jack-roastpower. The first you have, and the second you beef of the French Comedy. Ha, ha ! how do won't be long without; for here's a puppy riding you do, Mon-ieur Jack-roast-beef? post to put on your chains.
Crab. Prythee take a turn or two about the Luc. It would appear affectation not to understand you. And to deal freely, it was upon that | Buck. A turn or two! Volontiers. Eh bien ! subject I wished to engage you.
Well, have you, in your life, seen any thing so, Crab. Your iuformation was needless; I knew ha, la, hey? it.
Crub. Never. I hope you had not many specLuc. Nay, but why so severe? I did flatter tators of your tumble? myself, that the very warın recommendation of Buck. Pourquvi? Why so? your deceased friend would have abated a little Crab. Because I would not bave the public of that rigour.
curiosity forestalled. I can't but think, in a Crab. No wheedling, Lucy. Age and contempt | country so fond of strange sigbts, if you were have long shut these gates against flattery and kept up a little, you would bring a great deal of dissimulation. You have no sex for me. With- money. , out preface, speak your purpose.
Buck. I don't know, my dear, what my person Luc. What, then, in a word, is your advice would produce in this country, but the counterwith regard to my marrying Sir Charles Buck? part of your very grotesque figure has been ex· Crab. And do you seriously want my advice? tremely beneficial to the comedians from whence Luc. Most sincerely.
| I came. N'est-ce pas vrais, mi lor? Ha, ha! Crab. Then you are a block bead! Why, where Lord John. The resemblance does not strike could you mend yourself? Is pot he a fool, a me. Perhaps I may seem singular; but the parfortune, and in love! - Look ye, girl
ticular customs of particular countries, I own, Enter Servant.
never appeared to me as proper objects of ridi
cule. Who, sent for you, sir?
Buck. Wby so? • Ser. Sir, iny young master's post-chaise is Lora John. Because, in this case, is is imposbroke down at the corner of the street by a coal-sible to have a rule for your judgment. The cart. His clothes are all dirt, and he swears like forms and customs which climate, constitution, a trooper.
and government, have given to one kingdom, can Crab. Ay! Why, then, carry his chaise to never be transplanted with advantage to anothe coach-maker's, his coat to a scowerer's, and ther, founded on different principles. And thus, him before a justice- Prythee, why dost though the habits and manners of different countrouble me? I suppose, you would not meet your tries may be directly opposite, yet, in my humble gallant?
conception, they may be strictly, because natuLuc. Do you think I should !
rally, right. Crab. No, retire. And if this application for Crab. Why, there are some glimmerings of my advice, is not a copy of your countenance, a common sense about this young thing. Harkye,
child? by what accident did you stumble upon right.
this block head ?-[To Buck ] I suppose the line • Luc. I shall with pleasure follow your direc- of your understanding is too short to fathom the tions.
[Erit. depth of your companion's reasoning? Crub. Now we shall see what Paris has donel Buck. My dear!
Crab. I say, you can draw no conclusions from Buck. Why, I find there is a likelihood of some the above premises.
little fracas between us. But, upon my soul, we Buck. Who, I? Damn your premises and must be very brutal to quarrel with the dear conclusions too ! But this I conclude, from what agreeable creatures for a trifle. I have seen, my dear, that the French are the Crab. They have your affections, then ? first people in the universe; that, in the arts of Buck. De tout mon caur. From the infinite living, they do, or ought to give, laws to the whole civility shown to us in France, and their friendly world; and that, whosoever would either eat, professions in favour of our country, they can drink, dress, dance, fight, sing, or even sneeze, never intend us an injury. avec elegance, must go to Paris to learn it. This | Crab. Oh, you have hit their humour to a bair! is my creed.
But I can have no longer patience with the pup. Crab. And these precious principles you are
these precious principles you are lpy. Civility and friendship, you booby! Yes, come here to propagate.
their civility at Paris has not left you a guinea in Buck. C'est vrai, Monsieur Crab : and, with your pocket, nor would their friendship to your the aid of these brother missionaries, I have no nation leave it a foot of land in the universe. doubt of making a great many proselytes. Aod Buck. Lord John, this is a strange old fellow ! now for a detail of their qualities. Bearnois. Take my word for it, my dear, you mistake this avances! This is an officer of my household, un- thing egregiously. But all you Eoglish are conknown to this country.
stitutionally sullen. November fogs, witli salt Crab. And what may he be?-l'il humour the boiled beef, are most cursed recipes for good hupuppy.
mour, or a quick apprehension. Paris is the place! Buck. This is my Swiss porter. Tenez vous 'Tis there men laugh, love, and live. Vive l'adroit, Bearnois. There's a fierce figure to guard mour! Sans amour, et sans ses desires, un caur the gate of an hotel.
est bien moins heureur quil ne pense. Crab. What, do you suppose that we have no Crab. Now, would not any soul suppose, that porters?
this yelping hound had a real relish for the counBuck. Yes, you have dunces that open doors; try lie has quitted? a drudgery that this fellow does by deputy. But Buck. A mighty unnatural supposition, truly ! for intrepidity in denying a disagreeable visitor; Crab. Foppery and affectation all. for politeness in introducing a mistress ; acute Buck. And do you really think Paris a kind of ness in discerning, and constancy in excluding, purgatory, ha, my dear? I dun, a greater genius never caine from the Crab. To thee the most solitary spot upon cantons.
earth, my dear.-Familiar puppy! Crab. Astonishing qualities !
Buck. Whimsically enough. But come, pour Buck. Retirez, Bearnois. But here's a bijou, pusser le tems, let us, Old Diogenes, enter into a here's a jewel, indeed! Venez ici, mon cher La | little debate. Mi lor, and you, Macruthen, deLoire. Comment trouvez vous ce Paris ici ? termine the dispute between that source of de La Loire. Très bien.
lights, ce paradis de plaisir, and this cave of care, Buck. Very well. Civil creature ! This, Mon- this seat of scurvy and spleen. sieur Crab, is my cook La Loire; and for hors Mac. Let us heed thein weel, my lord. Maid'autres, entre rotis, ragouts, entremets, and ster Crab has met with his inatch. the disposition of a dessert, Paris never saw his Buck. And first, for the great pleasure of life, parallel.
the pleasure of the table : Ah, quelle difference ! Crab. His wages, I suppose, are proportioned The ease, the wit, the wine, ihe badinage, the to his merit!
persiflage, the double entendre, the chansons à Buck. A bagatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare boire. O what delicious moments have I passed two hundred. Upon his chcerful compliance chez madame la 'Duchesse de Barbouliac! in coming hither into exile with me, I havc in- Crab. Your mistress, I suppose? deed doubled his stipend.
Buck. Who, I? Fi done! How is it possible Crab. You could do no less.
for a woman to have a penchant for me? Hey, Buck. And now, sir, to complete my equipage, Mac! regardez monsieur La Jonquil, my first valet de Mac. Sir Charles is too much a man of honour chambre, excellent in every thing; but, pour l'ac- to blab. But, to say truth, the whole city of cominodage, for decorating the head, inimitable. Paris thought as much. In one word, La Jonquil sball, for fifty to five, Crab. A precious fellow this! knot, twist, tie, frieze,cut, curl, or comb, with any Buck. Taisez vous, Mac. But we lose the garçon perruquier, from the Land's-end to the point in view. Now, Monsieur Crab, let me con. Orkneys.
duct you to what you call an entertainment. Crab. Why, what an infinite fund of public And first: the melancholy mistress is fixed in her spirit must you have, to drain your purse, morti- chair, where, by the by, she is condemned to do fy your inclination, and expose your person, for more drudgery than a dray-horse. Next prothe mere improvement of your countrymen ! ceeds the master to marshal the guests; in which
Buck. Oh, I am a very Roman for that. But as much caution is necessary as at a coronation ; at present I had another reason for returning! with, 'My lady, sit here,' and, 'Sir Thomas, sit Crab. Ay, what can that be?
I there;' till the length of the ceremony, with the