Scam. You be Don. Very weel Foote. Nay, but my dear Donald —— Don. Hands aff, Maister Foote-I ha' finished my tale; the deel a word mare sal ye get out o' Donald; yer servant, sir. [Exit DoN. makes no bad figure for his five minutes at the Pantheon and Lyceum; and in a month or two, we shan't be ashamed to start him in a more respectable place. But now, gentlemen, we are to descend to the peculiar essential qualities of each distinct species of oratory; and first for the Foote. You see, gentlemen, what your impa-bar-but as no didactic rules can so well convey, tience has lost us. or words make a proper impression, we will have Scam. Rot him, let him go! But is this fellow recourse to more palpable means, and endeavour one of your pupils? Why, what a damnable | by a lively imitation, to demonstrate the extent twang he has got, with his men, women, and of our art. We must, for this end, employ the bairesaid of our pupils; but as some preparation is Foate. His pronunciation is, I own, a little ir-necessary, we hope you will indulge us in a short regular; but then consider he is but merely a interruption. novice; why, even in his present condition, he [Exit. SCENE I.—A Hall of Justice. Enter FOOTE. ACT II. tain street called Cock-lane, in the county of Middlesex, maliciously, treacherously, wickedly, and wilfully, by certaiu thumpings, knockings, scratchings, and flutterings, against doors, walls, wainscots, bedsteads, and bed-posts, disturb, annoy, assault, and terrify divers innocent, inoffensive, harmless, quiet, simple people, residing in, at, near, or about the said Cock-lane, and elsewhere, in the said county of Middlesex, to the great prejudice of said people in said county! How say you? Guilty or Foote. The first species of oratory we are to demonstrate our skill in, is that of the bar; and in order to give our lecture an air of reality, you are to suppose this a court of justice, furnished with proper ministers to discharge the necessary functions. But to supply these gentlemen with business, we must likewise institute an imaginary cause; and, that the whole may be ideal, let it be the prosecution of an imaginary being; I Coun. [Stops the Clerk short.] May it please mean the phantom of Cock-lane, a phenomenon your worship-hem-I am counsel in this cause that has much puzzled the brains, and terrified for the ghost-hem-and before I can permit the minds, of many of our fellow-subjects. You her to plead, I have an objection to make, that are to consider, ladies and gentlemen, that the is--hem-I shall object to her pleading at all.language of the bar is a species of oratory dis- Hem-It is the standing law of this countrytinct from every other. It has been observed, hem-and has-hem-always been so allowed, that the ornaments of this profession have not deemed and practised, that hem-all criminals shone with equal lustre in an assembly near their should be tried per pares, by their equals—bem own hall; the reason assigned, though a plea—that is-hem-by a jury of equal rank with sant, is not the true one. It has been hinted, that these gentlemen were in want of their briefs. But were that the disease, the remedy would be easy enough; they need only have recourse to the artifice successfully practised by some of their colleagues; instead of having their briefs in their hands, to hide them at the bottom of their hats. [Calls to his pupils, who enter dressed as a justice, a clerk, a serjeant at law, and a counsellor.] You will remember, gentlemen, your proper pauses, repetitions, hums, ha's, and interjections:-Now, seat yourselves; and you, the counsel, remember to be mighty dull, and you, the justices, to fall asleep. I must prepare to appear in this cause as a witness. Jus. Clerk, read the indictment. [Exit. Fanny Phantom, you are indicted, That on or before the first day of January, 1762, you, the said Fanny, did, in a certain house, in a cer themselves. Now if this be the case, as the case it is, I-hem-I should be glad to know how my client can be tried in this here manner? And first, who is my client? She is in the indictment called a phantom, a ghost. What is a ghost? a spirit. What is a spirit? a spirit is a thing that exists independently of, and is superior to, flesh and blood. And can any man go for to think, that I can advise my client to submit to be tried by people of inferior rank to herself? certainly no-I therefore humbly move to quash this indictment, unless a jury of ghosts be first had and obtained. [Sits down. Ser. I am, in this cause, counsel against Fanny Phantom the ghost-eh-and notwithstanding the rule laid down by Mr. Prosequi be-ehright in the main, yet, here, it can't avail his client a whit. We allow-eh-we do allow, please your worship, that Fanny quoad Phantom-eh-had originally a right to a jury of ghosts; but-el-if she did, by any act of her own, forfeit this right, her plea cannot be ad mitted. Now, we can prove to your worship, prove by a cloud of witnesses, that said Fanny did, as specified in the indictment, scratch, knock, and flutter-eh-which said scratchings, knockings, and flutterings-eh-being operations merely peculiar to flesh, blood, and body -eh-we do humbly apprehend-eh-that, by condescending to execute the aforesaid operations, she has waved her privilege as a ghost, and may be tried in the ordinary form, according to the statute so made and provided in the reign of, &c. &c. &c. Your worship's opinion? Tire. Smoke the justice; he is as fast as a church. Scam. I fancy he has touched the tankard too much this morning; he'll know a good deal of what they have been saying. Jus. [Is waked by the Clerk, who tells him they have pleaded.] Why the objection-ohbrought by Mr. Prosequi, is [Whispers the Clerk.] doubtless provisionally a valid objection; but then, if the culprit has, by an act of her own, defeated her privilege, as asserted in Mr. Serjeant's replicatiou, we conceive she may be legally tried-oh-Besides-oh-Besides, I, I, I can't well see how we could impannel a jury of ghosts; or-oh-how twelve spirits, who have no body at all, can be said to take a corporal | oath as required by law-unless, indeed, as in case of the peerage, the prisoner may be tried on their honour. Coun. Your worship's distinction is just; knockings, scratchings, &c. as asserted by Mr. Serjeant Ser. Asserted-Sir, do you doubt my instructions? Coun. No interruptions, if you please, Mr. Serjeant; I say as asserted; but can assertions be admitted as proofs ? certainly no Ser. Our evidence is ready Coun. To that we object, to that we object, as it will anticipate the merits-your worship-me, Ser. Your worship Jus. Why, as you impeach the ghost's privilege, you must produce proofs of her scratchings. Ser. Call Shadrach Bodkin. Clerk. Shadrach Bodkin, come into court. Coun. And how are you certain it was not? Bod. At last, I heard a voice whispering within crying, Shadrach, Shadrach, Shadrach ! cast the things that belong to thee, thy thimble and sheers, and do the things that I bid thee. Coun. And you did? away Bod. Yea, verily Coun. I think I have heard a little of you, Master Bodkin: and so you quitted your business, your wife, and your children? Bod. I did. Ser. Do you know any thing of Fanny the but nine. Phantom? Bod. Yea-I do. Ser. Can you give any account of her thumpings, scratchings, and flutterings? Coun. Why, this was an active spirit. Ser. But to the point, Mr. Prosequi. Coun. Well, then-you say you have heard those scratchings and knockings? Par. Three years and three quarters, please your worship: we were exceeding happy together; she was, indeed, a little apt to be jealous. Coun. No wonder——— Par. Yes: they can't help it, poor souls; but notwithstanding, at her death, I gave her a prodigious good character in my journal. Coun. And how proceeds the present affair? Par. Just now, we are quite at a stand———— Coun. How so? Par. The old scoundrel, her father, has played me a slippery trick. Coun. Indeed! Coun. To a most material purpose. Your worship observes, that Bodkin is positive as to the noises made on the first day of January by Par. As he could give no money in hand, I Fanny the Phantom: now, if we can prove an agreed to take her fortune in copies. I was to alibi, that is, that, on that very day, at that very have the Wits Vade Mecum entire; four huntime, the said Fanny was scratching and flut-dred of News from the Invisible World, in tering any where else, we apprehend that we destroy the credit of this witness-Call Peter Paragraph. Coun. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, where was you born? Par. Sir, I am a native of Ireland, and born and bred in the city of Dublin. Coun. When did you arrive in the city of London? Par. About the last autumnal equinox; and now I recollect, my journal makes mention of my departure for England, in the Besborough packet, Friday, October the tenth, N. S. or new style. Coun. Oh, then the journal is yours? Par. Please your worship it is; and relating thereto, I believe I can give you a pleasant conceit. Last week I went to visit a peer, for I know peers, and peers know me. Quoth his lordship to me, Mr. Paragraph, with respect to your journal, I would wish that your paper was whiter, or your ink blacker. Quoth I to the peer, by way of reply, I hope you will own there is enough for the money? his lordship was pleased to laugh. It was such a pretty repartee, he, he, he, he! Jus. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might be your business in England? Par. Hem a little love-affair, please your worship. Coun. A wife, I suppose Par. Something tending that way; even so long ago as January, 1739-40, there past some amorous glances between us: she is daughter of old Vamp of the Turnstile; but, at that time, I stifled my passion, Mrs. Paragraph being then in the land of living. Coun. She is now dead? sheets; all that remained of Glanvil upon Witches; Hill's Bees, Bardana, Brewing, and Balsam of Honey, and three eights of Robinson Crusoe. Coun. A pretty fortune! Par. Yes; they are things that stir in the trade; but you must know that we agreed to go halves in Fanny the Phantom. But whilst I and two authors, whom I had hired to ask questions, at nine shillings a night, were taking notes of the knockings at the house of Mr. Parsons himself, that old rascal, Vamp, had privately printed off a thousand eight-penny scratchings, purchased of two Methodist preachers, at the public-house over the way Coun. Now we come to the point-look upon this evidence; was he present at Mr. Parsons' knockings? Par. Never; this is one of the rascally Methodists-Hark'ye, fellow? how could you be such a scoundrel, to sell for genuine, your counterfeit scratchings to Vamp? Bod. My scratchings were the true scratchings Par. Why, you lying son of a whore, did not I buy all my materials from the girl's father himself? Bod. What the spirit commanded, that did I. Par. What spirit? Bod. The spirit within me→→→ Par. If I could but get at you, I would soon try what sort of a spirit it is-Stop, you villain! [Exit BODKIN.] The rogue has made his escape; but I will dog him to find out his haunts, and then return for a warrant-His scratchings; a scoundrel; I will have justice, or I'll turn his tabernacle into a pig-stye. [Exit PAR. Coun. I hope, please your worship, we have sufficiently established our alibi? Jus. You are unquestionably entitled to a jury of ghosts. Coun. Mr. Serjeant, you will provide us a list? Ser. Let us see-you have no objection to Sir George Villars, the evil genius of Brutus, the ghost of Banquo, Mrs. Veal? Coun. We object to a woman- -your wor ship Jus. Why, it is not the practice; this, it must be owned, is an extraordinary case. But, however, if on conviction, the Phantom should plead pregnancy, Mrs. Veal will be admitted on the jury of matrons. Ser. I thank your worship; then, the court is adjourned. [TERENCE and DERMOT in an upper box. Ter. By my shoul, but I will spake ! Der. Arrah, be quiet, Terence. Ter. Dibble burn me, but I will; hut, hut, not spake! what should ail me? Harkee, you Mr. Justice Scam. Hollo, what's the matter now, Will? Der. Leave off, honey Terence, now you are well as ever was born Tire. How so? Ter. Ay, pr'ythee don't bodder me! what d'ye learn no more manners at Oxford college, than to stop a jontleman in the midst of his speech before he begins? oh, for shame of yourself!-Why the matter is this, Mr. Justice: That there, what the dibble d'ye call him, PraPraragraf;-but, by my shoul, that is none of his name neither; 1 know the little bastard as well as myself; as to Fanny the Phantom, long life to the poor jontlewoman: he knows no more of her, than the mother who bore her Sads. Indeed! good lord you surprise me! Ter. Arrah, now, honey Suds. spake when you are spoke to; you ar'n't upon the jury, my jewel, now; by my shoul, you are a little too fat for a ghost. Tire. Pr'ythee, friend Ephraim, let him go on: let us hear a little what he would be at Ter. I say, he knows nothing about the case that is litigated here, d'ye see, at all, at all; because why, I haunt ha' been from Dublin above four weeks, or a month, and I saw him in his shop every day; so that how could he be here and there, too? unless, indeed, he used to fly backwards and forwards, and that, you see, is impossible, because why he has got a wooden leg. do Scam. What the devil is the fellow about? Tire. I smoke him-Harkee, Terence, who you take that lame man to be? Ter. Oh, my jewel, I know him well enough sure by his parson, for all he thought to conceal himself by changing his nameScam. Why, it is Foote, you fool! Ter: Arrah, who? Tire. Foote. Ter. Fot? what the lecture-man, Pa- Ter. Arrah, be easy, honey- Suds. Truly I am minded, 'twas he. Ter. Your humble servant yourself, Mr. Suds by my shoul, I'll wager you three thirteens to a rap, that is no such matter at all, at all. Scam. Done-and be judged by the company. Ter. Done-I'll ask the orator himself-here he comes. Enter FoorE. Harkee, honey Fot, was it yourself that was happing about here but now? Foote. I have heard your debate, and must give judgment against you Ter. What, yourself; yourself? Ter. Then, faith, I have lost my thirteensArrah, but Fot, my jewel, why are you after playing such pranks, to bring an honest jontle man into company where he is not-But what, is this selling of lectures a thriving profession! Foote. I can't determine as yet; the public have been very indulgent; I have not long opened. Ter. By my shoul, if it answers, will you be my pupil, and learn me the trade? Foote. Willingly Ter. That's an honest fellow! long life to you, lad! [Sits down. Foote. Having thus completed our lecture on the eloquence peculiar to the bar, we shall produce one great group of orators, in which will be exhibited specimens of every branch of the art. You will have, at one view, the choleric, the placid, the voluble, the frigid, the frothy, the turgid, the calm, and the clamorous; and, as a proof of our exquisite skill, our subjects are not such as a regular education has prepared for the reception of this sublime science, but a set of illiterate mechanics, whom you are to suppose assembled at the Robin-Hood in the Butcher-row, in order to discuss and adjust the various systems of Europe, but particularly to determine the separate interest of their own mother country. [Exit. ACT III. SCENE I.-The Robin-Hood. thought- -I say, sir, some gentlemen may think, that this may prove pernicious to our The President; DERMOT O'DROGHEDA, a chair-manufacture-[Looks in his hat.]—and the duty, man; TOM TWIST, a tailor; STRAP, a shoe- doubtless, it is of every member of this illus maker; ANVIL, a smith; SAM SLAUGHTER, a trious assembly to have a particular eye unto butcher; CATCHPOLE, a bailiff— -All with that; but, Mr. President-sir-[Looks in his pewter pots before them. hat, is confused, and sits kown.] Pre. Silence, gentlemen! are your pots replenished with porter? All. Full, Mr. President. Pre. We will then, proceed to the business of the day; and let me beg, gentlemen, that you will, in your debates, preserve that decency and decorum that is due to the importance of your deliberations, and the dignity of this illustrious assembly [Gets up, pulls off his hat, and reads the motion. • Motion made last Monday, to be debated to day, That, for the future, instead of that vulgar potation called porter, the honourable members may be supplied with a proper quantity of Irish usquebaugh. Dermot O'DrogheDA † his mark.' Pre. Mr. Twist. O pray finish, Mr. Twist! Twist. [Gets up.] I say, Mr. Pressdent, that, sir, if sir, it be considered that—as—I say— [Looks in his hat ] I have nothing farther to say. [Sits down, and STRAP gets up.] Pre. Mr. Strap. Strap. Mr. President, it was not my intention to trouble the assembly upon this occasion; but when I hear insinuations thrown out by gentlemen, where the interest of this country is so deeply concerned, I own I cannot sit silent; and before this assembly, a point of more impor give me leave to say, sir, there never came tance than this; it strikes, sir, at the very root, sir, of your constitution: for, sir, what does this motion imply? It implies that porter, a wholesome, domestic manufacture, is to be prohibited at once. And for what, sir? for a foreign perO'Dro. [Gets up.] That's I myself! nicious commodity. I had, sir, formerly the Pre. Mr. O'Drogheda. honour, in conjunction with my learned friend, O'Dro. Mr. President, the case is this. It is in the leather apron, to expel sherbet from not becase I am any great lover of that same us- amongst us, as I looked upon lemons as a fatal quebaugh, that I have set my mark to the motion; and foreign fruit-and can it be thought, sir, but because I did not think it was decent for a that I will sit silent to this? No, sir, I will put number of jontlemen that were, d've see, met to my shoulders strongly against it; I will oppose settle the affairs of the nation, to be guzzling ait manibus totibus. For should this proposal pot of porter. To be sure, the liquor is a pretty sort of liquor enough, when a man is hot with trotting between a couple of poles; but this is another guess matter, because why, the head is concerned; and if it was not for the malt and the hops, dibble burn me but I would as soon take a drink from the Thames, as your porter. But as to usquebaugh; ah, long life to the liquor! -it is an exhilirator of the bowels, and a stomatic to the head; I say, Mr. President, it invigorates, it stimulates, it-in short, it is the onliest liquor of life, and no man alive will die whilst he drinks it. [Sits down. TWIST gets up, having a piece of paper, containing the heads of what he says, in his hat.] Pre. Mr. Timothy Twist. Twist. Mr. President, I second Mr. O'Drogheda's motion; and, sir, give me leave-I say, Mr. President [Looks in his hat.], give me leave to observe, that, sir, though it is impossible to add any force to what has been advanced by my honourable friend in the straps: yet, sir, [Looks into his hat again.] it may, sir, I say, be necessary to obviate some objections that may be made to the motion. And first, it may be prevail, it will not end here: fatal, give me leave to say, will, I foresee, be the issue; and I shan't be surprised in a few days, to hear from the same quarter, a motion for the expulsion of gin, and a premium for the importation of whisky. He [A hum of approbation, with significant nods Pre. Mr. Anvil. Anvil. Mr. President, sir [The members all blow their noses, and cough; ANVIL talks all the while, and is not heard. Pre. Silence, gentlemen; oray, gentlemen! A worthy member is up. Anvil. I say, Mr. President, that if we consider this case in its utmost extent-[All the members cough, and blow their noses again.I say, sir, I will. Nay, I insist on bieng heard. If any gentleman has any thing to say any where else, I'll hear him. [Members all laugh: ANVIL sits down in a passion, and SLAUGHTER gets up. Pre. Mr. Samuel Slaughter. |