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· Bear. Well done, Beaufort ! thus far you G. Phil. Hy! thare now be is hearing the have played your part, as if you had been of the whole affair, and is laughing at me. pimplenose family of Furnival's-inn.
| Sir Jas. Ha, ha! Poh, never mind it-a did
not hurt un. Enter Sie Jasper, with Old PHILPOT and G. Old Phil. It's all discovered. PHILPOT.
Sir Jus. Ha, ba !—I told ye zon Bob could Sir Jas. Master Philpot, I be glad you are
find a bare squat upon her form with any he in come: this man here has so plagued me with his
Christendom-ha, ha! never mind it, man; Bob ley! but now we'll have no more about it, but
meant no harm-Here, here, Bob- here's your
vather, and there's your brother-I should like 'sign the papers at once. Old 'Phil. Sir Jasper, twenty thousand pounds,
to have zeen un under the table !
Wild. Gentlemen, your most obedient. you know, is a great deal of money- I should | not give you so much, if it was not for the sake
Stifting a laugh.
Old Phil. Sir, your servantof your daughter's marrying my son; so that, if
He has licked you will allow me discount for prompt payment,
George well and I forgive him. I will pay the money down.
| Sir Jas. Well, young gentleman, which way G. Phil. Sir, I must beg to see the young lady is
must be to see the young lortull is your mind now? once more before I embark; for to be plain, sir,
1. G. Phil. Why, sir, to be plain, I find you "she appears to be a mere natural.
landi, daughter an idiot. Sir Jas. I'll tell you what, youngster, I find
eter I findil Sir Jas. Zee her again, then- zee her again inly girl is a notable wench-and' here, bere's zon- Here, you, sirrah, send our Moll hither.
Ser. Yes, sir.
Sir Jas. Very well, then ; we'll go into t'other Enter YOUNG WILDING.
room, crack a bottle, and settle inatters there;
and leave un together- Hoic! boic o ur Sir Jas. Bob, gee as your hand I have Moll Tally over. finished the business and zo now-here, here, here's your vather-in-law.
Enter Maria. Old Phil, Of all the birds in the air, is that Maria. Did you call me, papa? he?
(Aside. Sir Jas. I did, my girl-There, the gentleman (. Phil. He has behaved like a relation to me wants to speak with you-Behave like a clever already.
[Aside. wench, as you are- Come along, my boys Sir Jus. Go to un, man- that's your va- Master Quaginire, come and finish the busi
ness, Ilild. This is the strangest accident-Sir-Sir (Exit singing, with Old Philpot and BEAC
Stifling a laugh. I-1-sir-ipon iny soul, FORT. Manent GEORGE and Maria, I can't stand this. [Bursts out a laughing. G. Phil. I know she is a fool, und so I will
Old Phil. I deserve it! I deserve to be laugh-speak to her without ceremony-Well, Miss, you ed at.
[Aside. told me you could read and write! G. Phil. He has shown his regard to his Maria. Read, sir? Heavens ! Looking at sister's family already.
[ Aside. him.) Ha, ha, ha! Sir Jas. What's the matter, Bob? I tell you | G. Phil. What does she laugh at? this is your vather-in-law--Pulls OLD PHILPOT Maria. lla, ha, ha, ha! to him. Master Philpot, that's Bob-Speak to G. Phil. What diverts you so, pray? on Bob -Speak to un
Mnrin. Ha, ha, ha! What a fine laudry figure Wild. Sir- I'am (Stifles a laugh.] I say, you have made of yourself! Ha, ha! isip ana, sir-extremely proud--ofof
G. Phil. Figure, madam! G. Phil. Of having beat me, I suppose ? Mariu. I shall die, I shall die! ha, ha, ha!
[Aside, G Phil. Do you make a laughing-stock of Wild. Of the honour, sir-of-of -[ Laugh. me? G. Phil. Ay; that's what he means. [ Aside. Muria. No, sir; by no means lla, ha, ha!
Wild And, sir- I-this opportunity-1 G. Phil. Let me tell you, miss, I don't undercannot look him in the face -[Bursts out into stand being treated tbus. o laugh.] ha, ha! I cannot stay in the room Maria. Sir, I can't possibly help it-I-I
[Going. Ha, ha! Sir Jas. Wlry, the volks are all mad, I be Ġ . Phil. I shall quit the room, and tell your - tieve ! you shall stay, Boh; you shall stay. papa, if you go on thus.
(Holds him. Maria. Sir, I beg your pardon a thousand Wild. Sir, I-I cannot possibly
times I am but a giddy girl I can't help it-1 [Whispers his father. -]-Ha, ba ! Old Phil. George! George! what a woeful G. Phil. Madam, this is downright insult! figure do we make?
Mario. Sir, you look somehow or other G. Phil. Bad enough, of all conscience, sir, don't know how, 'so.comically- Ha, ha, ha! Sir Jas. An odd adventure, Bob!
G. Phil. Did you never see a gentleman (Laughs heartily. I dressed before?
Maria. Never like you-I beg your pardon, l G. Phil. Well sir-Ha, ha, ha!
1 Muria. Like Cymon and Iphigenia, in DryG. Phil. Now, here is an idiot io spirits-Iden's fable. tell you, this is your ignorance- I am dressed G. Phil. Jenny in. Deyden's fable ! in toigh taste.
Maria. The fanning breeze upor her bosom Maria. Yes; so you are- Ha, ha, ba!
blows; G. Phil. Will you have done laughing?
To meet the fanning breeze, her boson Maria. Yes, sir, I will I will there
rose. there there I have done.
That's menow you. G. Phil. Do so then, and behave yourself a He trudged along, unknowing what he sought, little sedately.
And whistled as he went (mimicks.) for wunt of Maria. I will, sir ;-I won't look at him, and thought. then I shan't laugh
[Aside. G. Phil. This is not the same girl ! G. Phil. Let me tell you, miss, that nobody
Disconcerted. understands dress better than I do.
Maria. Mark again, mark again: Maria. Ha, ha, ha!
The fool of nature stood with stupid eyer, G. Phil. She's mad, sure!
And gaping mouth, thut testified surprise. Mariu. No, sir, I am not mad-I have done
(He looks foolish, she laughs at him. sis I have done-I assure you, sir, that nobody G. Phil. I must take care how I speak to hor; is more averse from ill manners, and would take she is not the fool I took her for. (Aside. greater pains not to affront a gentleman- Ha, Maria. You seem surprised, sir; but this is my ba, ha!"
way-I read, sir, and then I apply I have read G. Phil. Again? Zounds! what do you mean? every thing: Suckling, Waller, Milton, Dryden, you'll put me in a passion, I can tell you, pre- Lansdon ne, Gay, Prior, Swift, Addison, Powe, sently.
Young, Thomson. Maria. I can't help it-indeed I can't-Beat G. Phil. Iley! the devil what a clack is me if you will, but let me laugh-I can't help it, here!
[He walks ucross the stage. Ha, bi, ha!
Maria. [ Following him eagerly.) Shakespeare, G. Phil. I never met with such usage in my Fletcher, Otway, Soucherne, Rowe, Congreve, life.
Wieherly, Farquhar, Cibber, Vaubrugh, Steel, in Maria. I shall die !>Do, sir, let me laugh- short every body; and I find then all wit, fire, It will do me good---Ha, ha, ha!
vivacity, spirit, genius, taste,imagination,raillery, [Sits down in a fit of laughing. bumour, character, and sentiment, Well done, G. Phil. If this is your way, I won't stay a Miss Notable ! you have played your part like a moment longer in the room-I'll go this noment young actress, in high favour with the town. and tell your father.
Asiste. Maria. Sir, sir, Mr. Philpot, don't be so hasty, G. Phil. Her tangue goes like a water-mill! sir-I have done, sir; it's over now I have had
[Aside. my laugh out-1 ain a giddy girl but I'll be Maria. What do you say to me now, sir? grave. I'll compose myself, and act a differ- G. Phil. Say! I don't know what the devil to ent scene with him froin what I did in the morn-say.
Aside. ing. I have all the inaterials of an impertinent Muria. What's the matter, sir? Why, vau wit, and I will now twirl him about the room, look as if the stocks were fallen-or like London like a boy setting up bis top with his finger and bridge at low water, or like a waterman when the thumb.
. [Aside. Tiranes is frozen; or like a politician without G. Phil. Miss, I think you told me you could news; or like a prude without scandal ; or like a read and write?
great lawyer without a brief; or like some lawMaria. Read, sir! Reading is the delight of yers with one-ormy life- Do you love reading, sir!
G. Phil. Or like g poor devil of a husband G. Phil. Prodigiously-How pertsbe is grown! henpecked by a wit, and so say no more of that.
I have read very little, and I'm rosolved, What a capricious piece here is! Aside. for the future, to read tess. Aside.) What have Maria. Oh, fie ! you have spoiled all; I bad you read, miss?
not half done. Maria. Erery thing.
G. Phil. There is enongh of all conscience. G. Phil. You have?
You may content yourself. Maria. Yes, sir, I have.
Maria. But I can't be so easily contented-I G. Phil. Oh! brave and do you reinember like a simile half a mile long. what you read, Miss ?
G. Phil. I see you do. Maria, Not so well as I could wish-Wits Maria. Oh! And I make verses too-verses have short memories.
like an angel-off hand-extempore. Can you G. Phil. Oh! you are a wit too?
give me an extempore? Maria. I am and do you know that I feel. G. Phil. What does she mean? No, Miss-1 myself provoked to a simile now?
have never a one about me. G. Phil. Provoked to a simile! Let us hear it. Maria. You can't give me an extempore-Oh! Maria. Wbat do you think we are both like? | for shame, Mr. Philpot! I love an extempore of
all things; and I love the poets dearly; their of your eye is like the returning sun in the spring Kense so fine, their invention rich as Pactolus. -it melts away the frost of age, and gives a new
G. Phil. A poet rich as Pactolus ! I have warmth and rigour to all nature. beard of that Pactolus in the city.
Falls a coughing: - Mario. Very like.
Maria. Dear beart! I sbould like to have a G. Phil. But you never heard of a poet as scene with him. rich as he
Sir Jas. Iley! what's in the wind Dow? This Maria. As who?
won't take-Ny girl shall have fair play. No G. Phil. Pactolus-He was a great Jew mer-old fellow shall toller to her bed! What say you, chant-lived in the ward of Farringdown-with-my girl, will you rock Ins cradle? out.
Maria. Sir, I have on small doubt-Prat, Maria. Paciolus a Jew merchant ! Pactolas is can I have two husband at a time! a river.
G. Phil. There's a question now! She is :: G. Phil. A river!
grown foolish again. Maria. Yes don't you understand geo-1 Old Phil. Fair lady, the law of the land
Sir Jus. Hold ye, bold ye ! let me talk of law; Ġ. Phil. The girl's crazy!
I know the law better nor any on ye-Two busMaria. Oh! sir, if you don't understand geo bands at once-No, no! Men are scarce, and graphy, you are nobody. I understand geography, that's downright poaching. and I understand orthography; you know I told Maria. I am sorry for it, sir. For then I can't you I can write and I can dance too will you marry him, I see. dance a minuet?
(Sings and dances. Sir Jus. Wby not? G. Phil. You shan't lead me a dance, I pro Maria. I am contracted to another. mise you.
Sir Jas. Contracted! to wbom: Maria. Oh! very well, sir-- you refuse mee Maria. To Mr. Beaufort-that gentleman, sir, remeinber you'll hear immediately of my being Old Phil. That gentleman ? married to another, and then you'll be ready to Beau. Yes, sir. (Throws opens his gown.) My hang yourself.
name is Beaufort. And, I hope, Sir Jasper, when G. Phil. Not I, I promise you.
you consider my fortune, and my real affection Maria. Oh! very well, very well- re for your daughter, you will generously forgive member- mark my words. I'll do it, you the stratagem I have made use of. shall see-Ha, ha!
Sir Jas. Master Quagmire! What, are you [Runs off in a fit of laughing young Beaufort all this time! G. Phil. Marry you! I would as soon carry Old Phil. That won't do, sir; that won't take. mny wife to live in Bow-street, and write over the Beau, But it must take, sir! You have signed door, ‘Philpot's puncb-house.
the deeds for your daughter's marriage; and Enter Old PullPos and Sir JASPER.
Sir Jasper by this instruinent has made me bis
son-in-law. Sir Jas. (Singing.] So rarely, so bravely we'll Old Phil. How is this, bow is this! Then, Sir hunt him over the downs, and we'll hoop and Jasper, you will agree to cancel the deeds, I supwe'll halloo! Gee us your band young gentle- pose? for you know man; well, what zay ye to un now? Ben't she a
Sir Jas. Catch me at that, an ye can! I fulclever girl?
filled my promise, and your son refused, and so G. Phil. A very extraordinary girl indeed!
the wench has looked out slyly for herself elseSir Jus. Did not I tell un zo—then you have where. Did I not tell you she was a clever girl? nothing to do but to consummate as soon as I ben't ashamed o' my girlOur Moll, you have you will,
done no harm, and Mr. Beaufort is welcome to G. Phil. No; you may keep her, sir-I thank
you with all my heart. I'll stand to what I have you. I'll bave nothing to do with her.
signed, though you have taken me by surprise. Old Phil. What's the matter now, George? Wild. Bravo! my scheme has succeeded rarely G. Phil. Pho! she's a wit.
Old Phil. And so here I am bubbled and Sir Jas. Ay, I told yn zo.
choused out of my money-George, George, what G. Phil. And that's worse than t'other. I am a day's work bare we made of it! Well, if it off, sir.
must be so, be it so. I desire, young gentleman, Sir Jas. Odds heart! I am afraid you are no you will come and take my daughter away to-morgreat wit.
row morning, And, I'll tell you whai-here, bere Enter Maria.
-take my family watch into the bargain; and I Maria. Well, papa, the gentleman won't have wish it may play you just such another trick as it me.
has me; that's all-I'll never go intriguing with Old Phil. The numskull won't do as his father a family-watch again. bids him; and so, Sir Jasper, with your consent, Maria. Well, sir! [To G. Phil.) What do I'll make a proposal to the young lady myself. you think of me now? A'n't I a connoisseur, sir Maria. How! what does he say?
and a virtuoso? Ha, ha! Old Phil. I am in the prime of my days, and G. Phil. Yes! and much good may't do your I can be a brisk lover still! Fair lady, a glanc | husband! I have been connoisseured winong se lo
Wild.) To a miracle !
some purpose-Bubbled at play ; duped by my Sir Jas. They shan't go zo, neither-they shall wench; cudgelled by a rake; laughed at by a stay and crack a bottle. (Exit after them. girl; detected by my father--and there is the Maria. Well, brother, how have I played my sum total of all I have got at this end of the part ? town.
Old Phil. This end of the town! I desire Beau. never to see it again wbile I live-I'll pop into Maria. Have 1? I don't know how that is a hackney-coach this moment, drive to Mincinglane, and never venture back to this side of Love urged me on to try all wily arts Temple-bar.
[Going To win your-To Beau.) No! not yoursG. Phil. And, sir, sir! Shall I drive you?
To win your hearts; [To the Audience. Old Phil. Ay; you or any body. [Erit. Your hearts to win is now my aim alone;
G. Phil. I'll overturn the old hocus at the first There if I grow, the harvest is your own. corner. [Following him.
SCENE I.-DRUGGET's Country House. I Dim. An interest in a fiddlestick! you ought
to have made love to the father and motherEnter WOODLEY and DIMITY.
what, do you think the way to get a wife, at this
time of day, is by speaking fine things to the lady Dim. Pho, pho! no such thing !-I tell you, you have a fancy for? - That was the practice, Mr. Woodley, you are a mere novice in these indeed; but things are altered now-you frust affairs !
address the old people, sir; and never trouble Wood. Nay, but listen to reason, Mrs. Dimity; your head about your mistress-None of your has not your master, Mr. Drugget, invited me | letters, and verses, and soft looks, and fide down to his country seat, in order to give me his speeches Have compassion, thou angelic cream daughter Nancy in marriage and with what ture, on a poor dying'-Pshaw! stuff! nonsense! fretence can he now break off?
all out of fashion-go your ways to the old curDim. What pretence !-you put a body out of mudgeon; humour his whims-- I shall esteem all patience-But go on your own way, sir; my it an honour, sir, to be allied to a gentleman of advice is all lost upon you.
your rank and taste.' Upon my word, he's a Wood. You do me injustice, Mrs. Dimity, pretty young gentleman. Then, wheel about to your advice bas governed my whole conduct the mother: Your daughter, madam, is the very Have not I fixed an interest in the young lady's model of you, and I shall adore her for your
sake.'' Here, come hither, Nancy, take this ges