SCENE I.-DRUGGET's Country House. Enter DIMITY. ACT II. Drug. Hey, how!-a vile woman-what has she done?—I hope she is not capable—— Sir Cha. I shall enter into no detail, Mr. Drug at present-But depend upon it, I have done with her-a low, unpolished, uneducated, false, imposing- -See if the horses are put-to! Drug. Mercy on me! in my old days to bear this! Dim. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, Heavens! I shall ex-get; the time and circumstances wont allow it pire in a fit of laughing!-this is the modish couple, that were so happy-such a quarrel as they have had the whole house is in an uproar! -ha, ha! a rare proof of the happiness they enjoy in high life! I shall never hear people of fashion mentioned again, but I shall be ready to die in a fit of laughter-ho, ho, ho! this is THREE WEEKS AFTER MARRIAGE, I think! Enter DRUGget. Drug. Hey! how! what's the matter, Dimity? What am I called down stairs for? Dim. Why, there's two people of fashion[Stifles a laugh. Drug. Why, you saucy minx! -Explain this moment. Dim. The fond couple have been together by the ears this half hour-are you satisfied now? Drug. Ay!-what! have they quarelled ?— what was it about? Dim. Something above my comprehension, and your's too, I believe-People in high life understand their own forms best—And here comes one that can unriddle the whole affair. [Exit DIM. Enter SIR CHARLES. Sir Cha. [To the people within.] I say, let the horses be put to this moment-So, Mr. Drugget. Drug. Sir Charles, here's a terrible bustle-I did not expect this-what can be the matter? Sir Cha. I have been used by your daughter in so base, so contemptuous a manner, that I am determined not to stay in this house to-night. Enter MRS. DRUGGET. Sir Cha. What all her sex can do! the very spirit of them all. Drug. Ay, ay, ay! she's bringing foul disgrace upon us-This comes of her marrying a man of fashion! Sir Cha. Fashion, sir:—that should have instructed her better-she might have been sensi ble of her happiness-Whatever you may think of the fortune you gave her, my rank commands respect-claims obedience, attention, truth, and love, from one raised in the world, as she bas been by an alliance with me. Drug And let me tell you, however you may estimate your quality, my daughter is dear to me. Sir Cha. And, sir, my character is dear to me! Drug. Yet, you must give me leave to tell Drug. This is a thunder-bolt to me! after seeing how elegantly and fashionably you lived to-yougether, to find now all sunshine vanished-Do, Sir Charles, let me heal this breach, if possible! Sir Cha. Sir, 'tis impossible—I'll not live with her a day longer. Drug. Nay, nay, don't be over hasty, let me intreat you-go to bed, and sleep upon it-in the morning, when you're cool Sir Cha. Ob, sir, I am very cool I assure you, ha, ha!-it is not in her power, sir, to-a-ato disturb the serenity of my temper-Don't imagine that I'm in a passion-I'm not so easily ruffled as you may imagine-But, quietly and delierately, I can repay the injuries done me by a fals, ungrateful, deceitful wife. Drag. The injuries done you by a false, ungrateful wife! not my daughter, I hopeSir Cha Her character is now fully known to she's a vile woman! that's all I have to mesay, sir. Drug. Not in behalf of my own daughter? Sir Cha. Nothing can excuse her 'tis to no purpose-she has married above her; and if that circumstance makes the lady forget herself, she shall at least see, that I can and will support my own dignity. Drug. But, sir, I have a right to ask-—. Mrs. Drug. Patience, my dear; be a little calm. Drug. Mrs. Drugget, do you have patience; I must and will enquire. Mrs. Drug. Don't be so hasty, my love; have some respect for Sir Charles's rank; don't be violent with a man of his fashion. Drug. Hold your tongue, woman, I say!you're not a person of fashion, at least-My daughter was ever a good girl. Sir Cha. I have found her out. Drug. Oh then it is all over—and it does not signity arguing about it. Mrs. Drug. That ever I should live to see this hour! how the unfortunate girl could take such wickedness in her head, I can't imagineI'll go and speak to the unhappy creature this moment. [Exit MRS. DRUG. Sir Cha. She stands detected now-detected in her truest colours! Drug. Well, grievous as it may be, let me hear the circumstance of this unhappy business. Sir Cha. Mr. Drugget,'I have not leisure now; but her behaviour has been so exasperating, that I shall make the best of my way to town-My mind is fixed-She sees me no more; and so, your servant, sir. [Exit SIR CHA. Drug. What a calamity has here befallen us! a good girl, and so well disposed, till the evil communication of high life, and fashionable vices turned her to folly! Love. Insult you, sir! is there any thing insulting, my dear sir, if I take the liberty to congratulate you on- Drug. There! there!--the manners of high life for you!--he thinks there's nothing in all this -the ill behaviour of a wife he thinks an ornament to her character-Mr. Lovelace, you shall have no daughter of mine. Love. My dear sir, never bear malice-I have reconsidered the thing; and curse catch me, if I don't think your notion of the Guildhall giants, and the court of aldermen in hornbeam Drug. Well, well, well! there may be people at the court end of the town in hornbeam, too. Love. Yes, faith, so there may-and I believe I could recommend you to a tolerable collection —however, with your daughter I am ready to venture Drug. But I am not ready-I'll not venture my girl with you-no more daughters of mine shall have their minds depraved by polite vices. Enter WOODLEY. Mr. Woodley-you shall have Nancy to your wife, as I promised you-take her to-morrow morning. Wood. Sir, I have not words to expressLove. What the devil is the matter with the old haberdasher now? Drug. And hark ye, Mr. Woodley?--I'll make you a present for your garden, of a coronation dinner in greens, with the champion riding on horseback, and the sword will be full grown before April next. Wood. I shall receive it, sir, as your favour. Drug. Ay, ay! I see my error in wanting an alliance with great folks-I had rather have you, Mr. Woodley, for my son-in-law, than any courtly fop of them all. Is this man gone?-Is Sir Charles gone? Wood. Not yet he makes a bawling yonder for his horses-I'll step and call him to you. [Exit WOOD. Drug. I am out of all patience-I am out of my senses-I must see him once more-Mr. Lovelace, neither you nor any person of fashion shall ruin another daughter of mine. [Exit DRUG. Love. Droll this!-damned droll; and every syllable of it Arabic to me-the queer old putt is as whimsical in his notions of life as of gardening. If this be the case-I'll brush, and leave him to his exotics. [Exit Love. Enter LADY RACKET, MRS DRUGGET, and Lady Rac. A cruel, barbarous man! to quarrel in this unaccountable manner; to alarm the whole house, and expose me and himself too! Mrs. Drug. Oh! child, I never thought it would have come to this-your shame won't end here! it will be all over St. James's parish before to-morrow morning! Lady Rac. Well, if it must be so, there's one comfort, the story will tell more to his disgrace than mine. Dim. As I'm a sinner, and so it will, madam. He deserves what he has met with, I think. Mrs. Drug. Dimity, don't you encourage her -you shock me to hear you speak so-I did not think you had been so hardened. Lady Rac. Hardened do you call it?—I have lived in the world to very little purpose, if such trifles as these are to disturb my rest. Mrs. Drug. You wicked girl!-Do you call it a trifle, to be guilty of falsehood to your hus band's bed? Lady Rac. How! [Turns short, and stares at her. Dim. That! that's a mere trifle, indeed !-I have been in as good places as any body, and not a creature minds it now, I'm sure. Mrs. Drug. My Lady Racket, my Lady Racket, I never could think to see you come to this deplorable shame! Lady Rac. Surely the base man has not been capable of laying any thing of that sort to my charge. [Aside. All this is unaccountable to me-ha, ha!-'tis ridiculous beyond measure! Dim. That's right, madam-laugh at it—you served him right. Mrs. Drug. Charlotte! Charlotte! I'm astonished at your wickedness! Lady Rac. Well, I protest and vow I don't comprehend all this. Has Sir Charles accused me of any impropriety in my conduct? Mrs. Drug. Oh! too true, he has he has found you out; and you have behaved basely he says. Lady Rac. Madam! Mrs. Drug. You have fallen into frailty, like many others of your sex, he says; and he is resolved to come to a separation directly. Lady Rac, Why, then, if he is so base a wretch as to dishonour me in that manner, his heart shall ache before I live with him again. Drug. Well; but, consider I am her fatherindulge me only, till we hear what the girl has to say in her defence. Sir Cha. She can have nothing to say-no excuse can palliate such behaviour. Drug. Don't be too positive: there may be some mistake. Sir Cha. No mistake—did I not see her, hear her myself? Drug. Lackaday! then I am an unfortunate man! Sir Cha. She will be unfortunate, too—with all my heart she may thank herself-she might have been happy, had she been so disposed. Drug. Why, truly, I think she might. Enter MRS. DRUGGET. Mrs. Drug. I wish you'd moderate your anger a little, and let us talk over this affair with temper my daughter denies every tittle of your charge. Sir Cha. Denies it! denies it! Sir Cha. And that aggravates her fault. Mrs. Drug. She vows you never found her out in any thing that was wrong. Sir Chu. So! she does not allow it to be wrong, then ?—Madam, I tell you again, I know her thoroughly; I say, I have found her out; and I am now acquainted with her character. Mrs. Drug. Then you are in opposite stories -she swears, my dear Mr. Drugget, the poor girl swears she never was guilty of the smallest infidelity to her husband in her born days. Sir Cha. And what then?-what if she does say so? Mrs. Drug. And if she says truly, it is hard her character should be blown upon without just cause. Sir Cha. And is she, therefore, to behave ill in other respects? I never charged her with indelity to me, madani-there, I allow her inno Drug. And did you not charge her, then ? a Sir Cha. No-never-never. Drug. But I say you did-you called yourself cuckold-Did not he, wife? Mrs. Drug. Yes lovey; I'm witness. Mrs. Drug. You did, indeed, sir. Sir Cha. But I tell you no, positively no. Mrs. Drug. And I say, yes, positively yes. Sir Cha. I said so, and what then? himself a cuckold, and without rhyme or reason Drug. There he owns it: owns that he called into the bargain. Sir Chu. I never owned any such thing. Drug. You owned it even now-now-now now Mrs. Drug. This very moment. Sir Cha. No, no; I tell you, no. Drug. This instant-Prove it: make your words good: shew me your horns, and if you can't, it is worse than suicide to call yourself a cuckold, without proof. Enter DIMITY, in a fit of laughing.. Dim. What do you think it was all about? Ha ha! the whole secret is come out, ha! ha! It was all about a game of cards-Ho! ho! ho! Drug. A game of cards! Dim. [Laughing.] It was all about a club and a diamond. [Runs out laughing, Drug. And was that all, Sir Charles? Sir Cha. And enough too, sir. Drug. And was that what you found her out in? Sir Cha. I can't bear to be contradicted, when I am clear that I am in the right. Drug. I never heard of such a heap of nonsense in all my life. Woodley shall marry Nancy. Mrs. Drug. Don't be in a hurry, my love; this will all be made up. Drug. Why does he not go and beg her par don, then? Sir Cha. I beg her pardon! I won't debase myself to any of you. I shan't forgive her, you may rest assured. [Erit. Drug. Now there, there's a pretty fellow for you! Mrs. Drug. I'll step and prevail on my Lady Nan. They marry one woman, live with another, and love only themselves. Drug. And then quarrel about a card. Nan. I don't want to be a gay lady. I want to be happy. Drug. And so you shall: don't fright yourself, child. Step to your sister, hid her make herself easy; go, and comfort her, go. Nan. Yes, sir. Erit. Drug. I'll step and settle the matter with Mr. Woodley, this moment. [Exit. SCENE II.-Another Apartment. SIR CHARLES, with a pack of cards, at a table. Sir Cha. Never was any thing like her beha viour. I can pick out the very cards I had in my hand, and then 'tis as plain as the sun.There-there-now-there-no-damn it,no— -there it was-now let me see-They had four by honours and we play'd for the odd trick,damnation! honours were divided-ay!-honours were divided, and then a trump was led, and the other side had the-confusion—this preposterous woman has put it all out of my head. [Puts his cards into his pocket.] Mighty well, madam; I have done with you. Enter MRS. DRUGGET. Mrs. Drug. Sir Charles, let me prevail. Come with me and speak to her. Sir Cha. I don't desire to see her face. Mrs. Drug. If you were to see her all bath'd in tears, I am sure it would melt your very heart. Sir Cha. Madam it shall be my fault if ever I am treated so again. I'll have nothing to say to her. [going, stops.] Does she give up the point? Mrs. Drug. She does, she agrees to any thing. Sir Cha. Does she allow that the club was the play? sir. Nan. That is not what employs my thoughts, Love. Ay! but my pretty little dear, that should engage your attention. To set off and adorn the charms that nature has given you, should be the business of your life. Nan. But as I have something else to do, you'll excuse my leaving you. [Erit. Love. I must have her, notwithstanding this: for tho' I am not in love, I am most confoundedly in debt. Enter DRUGGET. Drug. So, Mr. Lovelace! any news from above stairs? Is this absurd quarrel at an end? Have they made it up? Love. Oh! a mere bagatelle, sir: these little fracas never last long as you see; for here they come, in perfect good humour. Enter SIR CHARLES and LADY RACKETT. Sir Cha. Mr. Drugget, I embrace you; you sec ne in the most perfect harmony of spirits. Drug. What, all reconciled again? Lady Rac. All made, up, sir. I knew how to bring the gentleman to a sense of his duty. This is the first difference, I thing, we ever had, Sir Charles. Sir Cha. And I'll be sworn it shall be the last. Drug. I am happy now, as happy as a fond father can wish. Sir Charles, I can spare you an image to put on the top of your house in London. Sir Cha. Infinitely obliged to you. Drug, Well! well! its time to retire: I am glad to see you reconciled; and now I wish you a good night, Sir Charles. Mr. Lovelace, this is your way. Fare ye well both. I am glad Mrs. Drug. Just as you please: she is all your quarrels are at an end: this way Mr. submission. Sir Cha. Does she own that the club was not the best in the house? Lovelace. [Exeunt DRUGGET and LOVELACE. Lady Rac. Ah! you are a sad man, Sir Charles, to behave to me as you have done. Sir Cha. My dear, I grant it: and such an absurd quarrel too-ha! ha! Lady Rac. Yes-ha! ha!-about such a trife. Sir Cha. It is pleasant how we could both fall into such an error. Ha! ba! Lady Rac. Ridiculous beyond expression! Ha! ha! Sir Cha. And then the mistake your father and mother fell into! Lady Rac. That too is a diverting part of the story. Ha! ha!-But, Sir Charles, must I stay and live with my father till I grow as fantastical as his own evergreens? Sir Cha. Nay, pr'ythee don't remind me of my_folly. Lady Rac. Ah! my relations were all standing behind counters, selling Whitechapel needles, while your family were spending great estates. Sir Cha. Spare my blushes: you see I am covered with confusion, Lady Rac. How could you say so indelicate a thing? I don't love you. Sir Cha. It was indelicate; I grant it. Lady Rac, Am I a vile woman? Sir Cha. How can you, my angel? Lady Roc. I shan't forgive you! I'll have you on your knees for this. [Sings and plays with him.]-Go naughty man.'-Ah! Sir Charles! Sir Cha. The rest of my life shall aim at convincing you how sincerely I love you. Lady Rac. [Sings.] Go naughty man, I can't abide you'-Well! come, let us go to rest. [Going.] Ah! Sir Charles! now it's all over, the diamond was the play. Sir Cha. Oh no, no, no; now that one may speak, it was the club indeed. Lady Rac. Indeed my love, you are mistaken, Sir Cha. You make me laugh: but I was not mistaken: rely upon my judgment, Lady Rac. You may rely upon mine: you was Sir Cha. Well, now mind me, my Lady Rackett, we can now talk of this matter in good lin mour: we can discuss it coolly. Lady Rac. So we can-and it is for that reason I venture to speak to you. Are these the ruffles I bought for you? Sir Cha. They are, my dear. Lady Rac. They are very pretty. But indeed you played the card wrong. Sir Cha. No, no, listen to me; the affair was thus: Mr. Jenkins having never a club leftLady Rac. Mr. Jenkins finessed the club. Sir Cha. [Peevishly.] How can you? Lady Rac. And trumps being all outSir Cha. And we playing for the odd trick Lady Rac. If you had minded your game Sir Cha. And the club being the bestLady Rac. If you had led your diamond— Sir Cha. Mr. Jenkins would, of course, put on a spade. Lady Rac. And so the odd trick was sure. Speaking very fast & together. Sir Cha. Damnation ! will you let me speak? Lady Rac. Very well, sir, fly out again. Sir Cha. Look here now: here is is a pack of cards. Now you shall be convinced. Lady Rac. You may talk till to-morrow, I know I am right. [Walks about. Sir Cha. Why then, by all that's perverse, you are the most headstrong-Can't you look here? here are the very cards. Lady Rac. Go on; you'll find it out at last. Sir Cha. Will you hold your tongue, or not? will you let me shew you?-Po! its all nonsense. [Puts up the cards.] Come, let's go to bed. [Going.] Only stay one moment. [Takes out the curds.] Now command yourself, and you shall have demonstration. Lady Rac. It does not signify, sir. Your head will be clearer in the morning. I chuse to go to bed. Sir Cha, Stay and hear me, can't you? Lady Rac. No; my head aches. I am tired of the subject. Sir Cha. Why then, damn the cards. There, and there, and there, [Throwing them about the room.] You may go to bed by yourself. Confusion seize me, if I stay here to be tormented a moment longer, [Putting on his shoes.] No; never, never, madam. Lady Rac. Take your own way, sir. Sir Cha. Now then I tell you once more, you are a vile woman. Lady Rac. Don't make me laugh again, Sir Charles. [Walks and sings. Sir Cha. Hell and the devil! Will you sit down quietly and let me convince you? Lady Rac. I don't chuse to hear any more about it. Sir Cha. Why then may I perish if ever-a blockhead, an idiot I was to marry. [Walks about.] Such provoking impertinence! [She sits down.] Damnation! I am so clear in the thing. |