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Gre. You may perhaps buy faggots cheaper otherwise; but if you find such in all this country, you shall have mine for nothing. To make but one word then with you, you shall have mine for ten shillings a hundred.

James. Don't talk in that manner, I desire you.

Gre. I could not sell them a penny cheaper, if 'twas to my father.

James. Dear sir, we know you very welldon't jest with us in this manner.

Gre. Faith, master, I am so much in earnest, that I can't bate one farthing.

James. O pray, sir, leave this idle discourse. -Can a person like you amuse yourself in this manner? Can a learned and famous physician like you, try to disguise himself to the world, and bury such fine talents in the woods?

Gre. The fellow's a fool!

James. Let me intreat you, sir, not to dissemble with us.

Har. It is in vain, sir, we know what you

are.

Gre. Know what you are! what do you know of me?

James. Why, we know you, sir, to be a very great physician.

Gre. Physician in your teeth: I a physician!

James. The fit is on him- -Sir, let me beseech you to conceal yourself no longer, and oblige us to you know what.

sir!

Gre. Devil take me if I know what, But I know this, that I'm no physician. James. We must proceed to the usual remedy, I find-And so you are no physician. Gre. No.

James. You are no physician?

Gre. No, I tell you.

Jumes. Well, if we must, we must.

[Beat him. Gre. Oh, oh! gentlemen, gentlemen! what are you doing? I am-Iam-whatever you please to have me.

James. Why will you oblige us, sir, to this violence?

Har. Why will you force us to this troublesome remedy?

SCENE I.-SIR JASPER'S house.

Enter SIR JASPER and JAMES.

Sir Jus. Where is he? Where is he?

James. I assure you, sir, it gives me a great deal of pain.

Gre. I assure you, sir, and so it does me. But, pray, gentlemen, what is the reason that you have a mind to make a physician of me?

James. What! do you deny your being a physician again?

Gre. And the devil take me if I am!
Har. You are no physician?

Gre. May I be poxed if I am!--[They beat him—Oh, oh !— -Dear gentlemen! oh! for Heaven's sake! I am a physican, and an apothecary too, if you'll have me; I had rather be any thing than be knocked o' the head.

James. Dear sir, I am rejoiced to see you come to your senses; I ask pardon ten thousand times for what you have forced us to.

Gre. Perhaps I am deceived myself, and I am a physician, without knowing it. But, dear gentlemen, are you certain I'm a physician?

James. Yes, the greatest physician in the world.

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ACT II.

my young lady dead, he'd bring her to life again. He makes no more of bringing a patient to life, than other physicians do of killing him.

Sir Jas. 'Tis strange so great a man should have those unaccountable odd humours you

James. Only recruiting himself after his journey. You need not be impatient, sir; for were I mentioned.

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Sir Jas. Done, in the devil's name! What's done?

Gre. Hum! I had rather she should have been christened Charlotte. Charlotte is a very good name for a patient; and, let me tell you, the name is often of as much service to the pa tient, as the physician is.

Sir Jas. Sir, my daughter is here.

Enter CHARLOTTE and Maid.

Gre. Is that my patient? Upon my word she carries no distemper in her countenance-and I fancy a healthy young fellow would sit very well upon her.

Sir Jas. You make her smile, doctor.

Gre. So much the better; 'tis a very good sign when we can bring a patient to smile; it is a sign that the distemper begins to clarify, as we say. Well, child, what's the matter with you? What's your distemper?

Char. Han, hi, hon, han.
Gre. What do you say?
Char. Han, hi, hau, hon.
Gre. What, what, what?
Char. Han, hi, hon-

Gre. Han! hon! honin! ha?I don't understand a word she says. Han! hi! hon! What the devil of a language is this?

Sir Jas. Why, that's her distemper, sir. She's Gre. Why, now you are made a doctor of become dumb, and no one can assign the cause physic-I am sure 'tis all the degrees I ever—and this distemper, sir, has kept back her

took.

Sir Jus. What devil of a fellow have you brought here?

James. I told you, sir, the doctor had strange whims with him.

Sir Jus. Whims, quotha !-Egad, I shall bind lus physicianship over to his good behaviour, if he has any more of these whims.

Gre. Sir, I ask pardon for the liberty I have taken.

Sir Jas. Oh! 'tis very well, 'tis very well for

ance.

Gre. I am sorry for those blows

Sir Jas. Nothing at all, nothing at all, sir. Gre. Which I was obliged to have the honour of laying on so thick upon you.

Sir Jas. Let's talk no more of them, sirMy daughter, doctor, is fallen into a very strange distemper.

Gre. Sir, I am overjoyed to hear it; and I wish, with all my heart, you and your whole family had the same occasion for me as your daughter, to shew the great desire I have to serve you.

Sir Jas. Sir, I am obliged to you. Gre. I assure you, sir, I speak from the very bottom of my soul.

Sir Jas. I do believe you, sir, from the very bottom of mine.

Gre. What is your daughter's name?

Sir Jas. My daughter's name is Charlotte. Gre. Are you sure she was christened Charlotte?

Sir Jas. No, sir; she was christened Charlotta.

marriage.

Gre. Kept back her marriage! Why so? Sir Jas. Because her lover refuses to have her, till she's cured.

Gre. O lud! Was ever such a fool, that would not have his wife dumb?-Would to Heaven my wife was dumb, I'd be far from desiring to cure her!-Does this distemper, this Han, hi, hon, oppress her very much? Sir Jas. Yes, sir.

Gre. So much the better. Has she any great pains?

Sir Jas. Very great.

Gre. That's just as I would have it. Give me your hand, child. Hum-ha-a very dumb pulse indeed.

Sir Jas. You have guessed her distemper. Gre. Ay, sir, we great physicians know a distemper immediately: I know some of the college would call this the boree, or the coupee, or the sinkee, or twenty other distempers; but I give you my word, sir, your daughter is nothing more than dumb- So I'd have you be very easy, for there is nothing else the matter with her-If she were not dumb, she would be as well as I am.

Sir Jas. But I should be glad to know, doctor, from whence her dumbness proceeds?

Gre. Nothing so easily accounted for.Her dumbness proceeds from her having lost her speech?

Sir Jas, But whence, if you please, proceeds her having lost her speech?

Gre. All the best authors will tell you, it is the impediment of the action of the tongue.

Sir Jas. But if you please, dear sir, your sentiments upon that impediment?

Gre. Aristotle has, upon that subject, said very fine things; very fine things.

Sir Jas. I believe, it, doctor.

Gre. Ah! he was a great man; he was indeed a very great man--A man, who, upon that subject, was a man that-But, to return to our reasoning: I hold, that this impediment of the action of the tongue is caused by certain humours, which our great physicians callHumours-Humours-Ah! you understand

Latin

Sir Jas. Not in the least.

Gre. What not understand Latin?
Sir Jas. No, indeed, doctor.

Gre. Cubricius arci thurum cathalimus, singulariter nom. Hæc musa; hic, hæc, hoc, genitivo hujus, hunc, hanc musæ. Bonus, bona, bonum. Estne oratio Latinus? Etiam. Quia substantivo et adjectivum concordat in generi numerum et casus, sic dicunt, aiunt, prædicant, clamitant, et similibus

Sir Jas. Ah! why did I neglect my studies? Har. What a prodigious man is this! Gre. Besides, sir, certain spirits passing from the left side, which is the seat of the liver, to the right, which is the seat of the heart, we find the lungs, which we call in Latin, whiskerus, having communication with the brain, which we name in Greek, jacbootos, by means of a hollow vein, which we call in Hebrew, perriwiggus, meet in the road with the said spirits, which fill the ventricles of the omotaplasmus; and because the said humours have -you comprehend me well, sir? and because the said humours have a certain malignitylisten seriously, I beg you.

Sir Jus. I do.

cause her to drink one quart of spring-water mixed with one pint of brandy, six Seville oranges, and three ounces of the best double refined sugar.

Sir Jas. Why, this is punch, doctor?

Gre. Punch, sir! ay, sir: and what's better than punch to make people talk? Never tell me of your julaps, your gruels, your-your-this, and that, and t'other, which are only arts to keep a patient in haud a long time-I love to do a business all at once.

Sir Jas. Doctor, I ask pardon; you shall be obeyed. [Gives money. Gre. I'll return in the evening, and see what effect it has on her. But hold; there's another young lady, here, that I must apply some little remedies to.

Maid. Who me? I was never better in my life, I thank you, sir.

Gre. So much the worse, madam; so much the worse: 'tis very dangerous to be very well; for when one is very well, one has nothing else to do but to take physic and bleed

away.

Sir Jas. Oh, strange! What, bleed when one has no distemper?

Gre. It may be strange, perhaps, but 'tis very wholesome. Besides, madam, it is not your case, at present, to be very well: at least you cannot possibly be well above three days longer; and it is always best to cure a distemper before you have it-or, as we say in Greek, distemprum bestum est curare ante babestum. What I shall prescribe you, at present, is to take every six hours one of these bolusses.

Maid. Ha, ha, ha! Why, doctor, these look exactly like lumps of loaf-sugar.

Gre. Take one of these bolusses, I say, every

Gre. Have a certain malignity that is caused six hours, washing it down with six spoonfuls of -be attentive, if you please.

Sir Jas. I am.

Gre. That is caused, I say, by the acrimony of the humours engendered in the concavity of the diaphragm; thence it arrives, that these vapours, Propria quæ maribus tribuuntur, mascula, dicas, ut sunt divorum, Mars, Bacchus, Apollo, virorum. This sir, is the cause of your daughter's being dumb.

James. O that I had but his tongue!

Sir Jas. It is impossible to reason better, no doubt. But, dear sir, there is one thing-I always thought, till now, that the heart was on the left side, and the liver on the right.

Gre. Ay, sir, so they were formerly; but we have changed all that. The college at present, sir, proceeds upon an entire new method.

Sir Jas. I ask your pardon, sir.

Gre. Oh, sir! there's no harm-you're not obliged to know as much as we do.

Sir Jus. Very true; but, doctor, what would

you have done with my daughter?

Gre. What would I have done with her? why, my advice is, that you immediately put her

the best Holland's geneva.

Sir Jas. Sure you are in jest, doctor; This wench does not shew any symptom of a distemper,

Gre. Sir Jasper, let me tell you, it were not amiss if you yourself took a little lenitive physic; I shall prepare something for you.

Sir Jus. Ha, ha, ha! No, no, doctor! I have escaped both doctors and distempers hitherto, and I am resolved the distemper shall pay me the first visit.

Gre. Say you so, sir? Why, then, if I can get no more patients here, I must even seek them elsewhere; and so humbly beggo te demine domitii veniam groundi foras.

[Exit GREGORY. Sir Jas. Well, this is a physician of vast capacity, but of exceeding odd humours.

SCENE II.-The street.

LEANDER Solus.

[Excunt,

Lean. Ah, Charlotte! thou hast no reason to

ruto a bed warmed with a brass warning-pan: apprehend any ignorance of what thou endurest,

since I can so easily guess thy torment by my own. Oh, how much more justifiable are my fears, when you have not only the command of a parent, but the temptation of fortune to allure you!

AIR. IV.

O cursed power of gold, For which all honour's sold, And honesty's no more! For thee, we often find The great in leagues combined, To trick and rob the poor. By thee, the fool and knave Transcend the wise and brave, So absolute thy reign. Without some help of thine, The greatest beauties shine, And lovers plead in vain.

Enter GREGORY.

Gre. Upon my word, this is a good beginning! and since

Lean. I have waited for you, doctor, a long time. I'm come to beg your assistance.

Gre. Ay; you have need of assistance, indeed! What a pulse is here! What do you out o' your bed? [Feels his pulse. Lean. Ha, ha, ha! Doctor, you're mistaken; I am not sick, I assure you.

Gre. How, sir? Not sick! Do you think I don't know when a man is sick, better than be does himself?

Lean. Well, if I have any distemper; it is the love of that young lady, your patient, from whom you just now came; and to whom, if you can convey me I swear, dear doctor, I shall be effectually cured.

Gre. Do you take me for a pimp sir? A phyx.cian for a pimp?

Lean. Dear sir, make no noise.

Gre. Sir, I will make a noise; you are an impertinent fellow.

Lean. Softly, good sir!

Lean. I'm not very well known to her father; therefore believe I may pass upon him securely.

Gre. Go then, disguise yourself immediately; I'll wait for you here-Ha! Methinks I see a patient. [Exit LEANDER.] Gad! Matters go on so swimmingly, I'll even continue a physician as long as I live.

Enter JAMES and DAVY.

James. [Speaking to DAVY.]-Fear not; if he relapse into his humours, I'll quickly thrash him into the physician again. Doctor I have brought you a patient.

Davy. My poor wife, doctor, has kept her bed these six months.-[GRE. holds out his hand.] -If your worship would find out some means to cure her.

Gre. What's the matter with her?

Davy. Why, she has had several physicians; one says 'tis the dropsy; another, 'tis the what-d'ye-call-it, the tumpany; a third says, 'tis a slow fever; a fourth says, the rumatiz; a fifth

Gre. What are the symptoms?
Davy. Symptoms, sir!

Gre. Ay, ay, what does she complain of? Davy. Why she is always craving and craving for drink, eats nothing at all. Then her legs are swelled up as big as a good handsome post; and as cold they be as a stone.

Gre Come, to the purpose; speak to the purpose, my friend. [Holding out his hand. Davy. The purpose is, sir, that I am come to ask what your worship pleases to have done

with her.

Gre. Psha, psha, psha! I don't understand one word what you mean.

James. His wife is sick, doctor; and he has brought you a guinea for your advice. Give it the doctor, friend. [DAVY gives the guinea.

Gre. Ay, now I understand you; here's a gentleman explains the case. You say your wife is sick of the dropsy?

Gre. I shall show you, sir, that I'm not such Davy. Yes, an't please your worship. a sort of a person: and that you are an insolent Gre. Well, I have made a shift to compre ucy [LEANDER gives a purse.]I'm not bend your meaning at last: you have the stran speaking to you, sir; but there are certain im-gest way of describing a distemper. You say pertment fellows in the world, that take people for what they are not which always puts me, sir, into such a passion, that

Lean. I ask pardon, sir, for the liberty I have

taken.

Gre. O, dear sir; no offence in the least.Pray, sir, how am I to serve you?

Lean. This distemper, sir, which you are sent for to cure, is feigned. The physicians have reasoned upon it, according to custom, and have derived it from the brain, from the bowels, from the liver, lungs, lights, and every part of the body: but the true cause of it is love; and 29 an invention of Charlotte's, to deliver her from a match she dislikes.

Gre. Hum! Suppose you were to disguise yourself as an apothecary?

your wife is always calling for drink: let her have as much as she desires; she can't drink too much; and, d'ye hear, give her this piece of cheese.

Davy. Cheese, sir!

Gre. Ay, cheese, sir. The cheese, of which this a part, has cured more people of a dropsy than ever had it.

Davy. I give your worship a thousand thanks; I'll go make her take it immediately.

[Exeunt Davy and JAMES. Gre. Go; and if she dies, be sure to bury her after the best manner you can.

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Though given to many a maggot :
For he would work
Like any Turk;

None like him e'er handled a faggot, a faggot,
None like him e'er handled a faggot!

Gre. What evil stars, in the devil's name, have sent her hither? If I could but persuade her to take a pill or two that I'd give her, I should be a physician to some purpose-Come, hider, my shild, leta me feela your pulse?

Dor. What have you to do with my pulse? Gre. I am de French physicion, my dear, and I am to feela de pulse of de pation.

Dor. Yes, but I am no pation, sir; nor want no physician, good doctor Ragou.

Gre. Begar, you must be puta to-bed, and taka de peel; me sal give you de little peel dat sal cure you, as you have more distempre den evere were hered off.

. Dor. What's the matter with the fool? If you feel my pulse any more, I shall feel your ears for you.

Gre. Begar, you must taka de peel. Dor. Begar, I shall not taka de peel. Gre. I'll take this opportunity to try her.[Aside.]-Maye dear, if you will not letta me cura you, you sala cura me; you sall be my physicion, and I will give you de fee.

[Holds out a purse. Dor. Ay, my stomach does not go against those pills; and what must I do for your fee? Gre. O, begar! me vill show you; me villa teacha you what you sal doe; you must come kissa me now, you must come kissa me now.

Dor. [Kisses him.]—As I live, my very bang dog! I've discovered him in good time, or he had discovered me-Aside.]-Well, doctor, and are you cured now?'

Gre. I shall make myself a cuckold presently [Aside.]-Dis is not a proper place, dis is too public; for sud any one pass by while I taka dis phisic, it vill preventa de operation.

Dor. What physic, doctor? Gre. In your ear, dat. [Whispers. Dor. And in your car dat, sirrah.-[Hitting him a box.]-Do you dare affront my virtue, you villain! D'ye think the world should bribe me to part with my virtue, my dear virtue! There, take your purse again.

Gre. But where's the gold?

Gre. O what a happy dog am I, to find my wife so virtuous a woman when I least expected it! Oh, my injured dear! Behold your Gregory, your own husband!

Dor. Ha!

Gre. O me! I'm so full of joy, I cannot tell thee more than that I am as much the happiest of men, as thou art the most virtuous of women!

Dor. And art thou really my Gregory? And hast thou any more of these purses?

Gre. No, my dear, I have no more about me; but 'tis probable, in a few days, I may have a hundred; for the strangest accident has happened to me!

Dor. Yes, my dear; but I can tell you whom you are obliged to for that accident: had you not beaten me this morning, I had never had you beaten into a physician.

Gre. Oh, oh! then 'tis to you I owe all that drubbing?

Dor. Yes, my dear; though I little dreamt of the consequence.

Gre. How infinitely I'm obliged to thee! But hush!

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Gre. Let me feel your pulse,

Hel. Not for myself, good doctor; I am, myself, sir, a brother of the faculty, what the world calls a mad doctor. I have at present under my care a patient, whom I can by no means prevail with to speak.

Gre. I shall make him speak, sir.

Hel. It will add, sir, to the great reputation you have already acquired; and I am happy in finding you.

Gre. Sir, I am as happy in finding you.— [Taking him aside.]-You see that woman, there? she is possessed with a most strange sort of madness, and imagines every man she sees to be her husband. Now, sir, if you will but admit her into your house

Hel. Most willingly, sir.

Gre. The first thing, sir, you are to do, is to let out thirty ounces of her blood: then, sir, you are to shave off all her hair; all her hair, sir: after which you are to make a very severe use of your rod, twice a-day: and take a particular care that she have not the least allowance beyond bread and water.

Hel. Sir, I shall readily agree to the dictates of so great a man; nor can I help approving of your method, which is exceeding mild and

wholesome.

Gre. [To his wife.]-My dear, that gentleman Dor. The gold I'll keep, as an eternal mo- will conduct you to my lodgings. Sir, I beg you nument of my virtue.

will take a particular care of the lady.

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