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Live. ) [Kneeling.] With duteous gratitude | All. [With a low bow.]– Your good will. Har.
thus I bend Live. - In the parent happy to find the Har. 7-Such welcome guests to bring, Har. S friend.
Jepny. ) -We'll strain both voice and string. -To shield you from annoy,
With a twinkum, tuankum,
All. We will thank 'em. llar, s-Shall be our sole employ.
) Twinkum, twunkum, tuing.
Such welcome guests to bring,
We'll strain both voice and string,
With a twin kum, tuankum, Hunks. 1-But there's one treasure whereof)
We will thank 'em, Gripe. S we still
Iwinkum, twankum, twing. Gripe. ]
-Must Misers be—which is
SCENE 1.-MR. and Mrs. Dangle at Break- / -Pshaw ! " To the first - dash D of the 4fast, and reading Newspapers.
dush Y:- Genuine Extract of a Letter from
St. Kitt's.' - Coxheath Intelligence.'Dan. Reading.Brutus to Lord North' now confidently asserted, that Sir Charles Handy Letter the Second, on the State of the Army' |--Pshaw!-Nothing but about the fleet ese the nation !--and thate all politics but theatri- Mrs. D. Yes; but wasn't the farce damned, sal politics-Where's the Morning Chronicle? Mr. Dangle? And to be sure it is extremely Mrs. D, Yes, that's your Gazette.
pleasant to have one's house made the motley Din. So, here we have it.
rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature: the “ Theatrical intelligence extraordinary." very high change of trading authors and jobbing "We hear there is a new tragedy in rehearsal at critics! Yes, my drawing-room is an absolute Drury-lane theatre, called the Spanish Armada, register-office for candidate actors, and poets said to be written by Mr. Puff, a gentleman well without character; then to be continually known in the theatrical world: if we may allow | alarmed with Misses and Ma'ams piping hysteric purselves to give credit to the report of the per- changes on Juliets and Dorindas, Pollys and formers, who, truth to say, are in general but in Ophelias; and the very furniture trembling at different judges, this piece abounds with the the probationary starts and unprovoked rants nost striking and received beauties of mo of would-be Richards and Hamlets! And what dern composition."-So! I am very glad my is worse than all, now that the manager has friend Puit's tragedy is in such forwardness. / monopolized the opera-house, haven't we the Mrs. Dangle, my dear, you will be very glad to Signors and Signoras calling here, sliding their bear that Pufi's tragedy
smooth semi-breves, and gargling glib divisions Mrs. D. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you in their outlandish throats with foreign emisplague me about such nonsense? --Now the plays saries and French spies, for ought I know, disare begun, I shall have no peace.--Isn't it suffi- guised like fiddlers and figure dancers! cient to make yourself ridiculous by your passion Dan. Mercy! Mrs. Dangle; for the theatre, without continually teazing me | Mrs. D. And to employ yourself so idly at to join you? Why can't you ride your hobby- such an alarming crisis as this too--when, if horse without desiring to place me on a pillion you had the least spirit, you would have been at behind you, Mr. Dangle?"
the head of one of the Westminster associations, Dan. Nay, my dear, I was only going to or trailing a volunteer pike in the Artillery read
Ground ! --But you-o'my conscience, I believe Mrs. D. No, no; you will never read any if the French were landed to-morrow, your first thing that's worth listening to; you hate to hear enquiry would be, whether they had brought a about your country; there are letters every day theatrical troop with them. with Roman signatures, demonstrating the cer Dan. Mrs. Dangle, it does not signify-I say -ainty of au invasion, and proving that the the stage is “ the Mirror of Nature," and the nation is utterly undone. But you never will actors are “ the Abstract, and brief Chronicles read any thing to entertain one.
of the Time."-and pray what can a man of Dan. What has a woman to do with politics, sense study better? Besides, you will not easily Mrs. Dangle?
persuade me tbat there is no credit or importance Mrs. D. And what have you to do with the in being at the head of a band of critics, who take theatre, Mr: Dangle? Why should you affect the upon them to decide for the whole town, whose character of a critic? I hare po patience witb opinion and patronage all writers solicit, and you haven't you made yourself the jest of all whose recommendation no manager dares reyour acquaintance by your interference in mat- fuse! ters where you have no business? Are not you Mrs. D. Ridiculous !-Both managers and called a theatrical Quidnunc, and a mock M - authors of the least merit laugh at your pretencenas to second-hand authors ?
sions. The public is their critic--without whose Dan. True; my power with the managers is fair approbation they now no play can rest on pretty notorious; but is it no credit to have ap- the stage, and with whose applause they welplications from all quarters for my interest? come such attacks as yours, and laugh at the maFrom lords to recommend fiddlers, from ladies lice of them, where they can't at the wit. o get boxes, from authors to get answers, and Dan. Very well, madam-very well. rom actors to get engagements? Mrs. D. Yes, truly; you have contrived to
Enter Serdant. get a share in all the plague and trouble of thea Sero. Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you. rical property, without the profit, or even the Dan. O, shew Mr. Sneer up. [Erit Servant.] redit of the abusc that attends it.
Plague on't, now we must appear loving and afDan. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no fectionate, or Sneer will hitch us into a story. oser by it, however; you have all the advan- Mrs. D. With all my heart; you can't be ages of it: mightn't you, last winter, have had more ridiculous than you are.. he reading of the new Pantomime a fortuight Dan. You are enough to provokeprevious to its performance? And doesn't Mr. Fosbrook let you take places for a play before
Enter Mr. SNEER. t is advertised, and set you down for a box Ha! my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you. or every new piece through the season? And My dear, here's Mr. Sneer. lidn't my friend, Mr. Smatter, dedicate his Mrs. D. Good morning to you, sir. ast farce to you, at my particular request, Mrs. Dan. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting Dangle
| ourselves with the papers.--Pray, Sneer, won's
you go to Drury-lane theatre the first night of formed Housebreaker;" wbere, by the mere Puff's tragedy.
force of humour, housebreaking is put into 59 Sneer. Yes; but I suppose one shan't be able ridiculous a light, that if the piece has its proper to get in, for on the first night of a new piece run, I have no doubt but that bolts and bars will they always fill the bouse with orders to support be entirely useless by the end of the season. it. But here, Dangle, I have brought you two Dan. Egad, this is new, indeed! pieces, one of which you must exert yourself to Sneer. Yes; it is written by a particular inake the managers accept, I can tell you that, | friend of mine, who has discovered that the folfor 'tis written by a person of consequence. Tlies and foibles of society, are subjects unworthy
Dan. So! now my plagues are beginning. the notice of the connic muse, who should be taught
Sneer. Aye, I am glad of it, for now you'll be to stoop only at the greater vices and blacker happy. Why, iny dear Dangle, it is a pleasure crimes of humanity-gibbeting capital offences to see how you enjoy your volunteer fatigue, and in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies in two, your solicited solicitations.
In short, his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, Dan. It's a great trouble; yet, egad, it's plea- and make the stage a court of ease to the Ol sant too. Why, sometimes of a morning, I have | Bailey. a dozen people call on me at breakfast time, Dan. It is truly moral. whose faces I never saw before, nor ever desire to see again.
Sero. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir. ters, and not a line iu them about any business , Dan. Beg him to
Dan. Beg him to walk up. (Erit Sertant. of my own.
Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an Sneer. An amusing correspondence !
author to your own taste. Dan. [Reading.] « Bursts into tears, and
Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, eriti' - What, is this a tragedy?
because every body else abuses him, Sneer. No, that's a genteel comedy, not a Sneer. Very much to the credit of your charits, translation-only taken from the French ; it is madam, if not of your judgment. written in a stile which they have lately tried Dan. But, egad, he allows no merit to any to run down; the true sentimental, and nothing author but hiinself; that's the truth on't - though ridiculous in it from the beginning to the end. The's my friend.
Mrs. D. Well, if they had kept to that, I Sneer. Never. - He is as envious as an old should not have been such an enemy to the maid verging on the desperation of six-and-thirty stage: there was some edification tó be got and then, the insidious humility with which le from those pieces, Mr. Sneer.
seduces you to give a free opinion on any of has Sneer. I am quite of your opinion, Mrs. Dan works, can be exceeded only by the petulant gle; the theatre in proper hands, might certainly
arrogance with which he is sure to reject your be made the scbool of morality; but now, I am observations. sorry to say it, people seem to go there princi-| Dan. Very true, egad-though he's my frienc. pally for their entertainment.
Sneer. Then his affected contempt of all news Mrs. D. It would have been more to the paper strictures; though, at the sanie time, le credit of the managers to have kept in the other is the sorest man alive, and shrinks like scorchied
parchment from the fiery ordeal of true criticism; Sneer. Undoubtedly, madam, and hereafter yet is he so covetous of popularity, that he had perhaps to have had it recorded, that in the rather be abused than not mentioned at all. midst of a luxurious and dissipated age, they | Dan. There's no denying it-though he is by preserved two houses in the capital, where the friend. conversation was always moral at least, if not! Sneer. You have read the tragedy he has just entertaining!
finished, haven't you? Dan. Now, egad, I think the worst alteration | Dan. O yes; lie sent it to me yesterday. is in the nicety of the audience. No double Sncer. Well, and you think it execrable, dont entendre, no smart inuendo admitted, even Van- | you? burgh and Congreve obliged to undergo a bung
Dan. Why, between ourselves, egad, I must Jing reformation!
own though he's my friend that it is one of Sneer. Yes, and our prudery in this respect is the most-He's here [Aside.)-finished and just on a par with the artificial bashfulness of a most admirable performcourtezan, who increases the blush upon her! [Sir FRETFUL, without.] Mr. Sneer with bia, cheek in an exact proportion to the diminution did you say? of her modesty. .. Dan. Sneer can't even give the public a good
Enter Sir FRETFUL. word ! But what have we here? This seeins a | Ah, my dear friend !- Egad, we were just speato very odd
ing of your tragedy. Admirable, Sir Freltul, Sneer. O, that's a comedy, on a very new admirable ! plan; replete with wit and mirtb, yet of a most Sneer. You never did any thing beyond , serious moral! You see it is called “ The Re-Sir Fretful--never in your life.
Sir F. You make me extremely happy; for, I think I can hit that gentleman; for I can safely without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there swear he never read it. i p't a man in the world whose judgment I value Sneer. I'll tell you how you may hurt him as I do your's, and Mr. Dangle's.
moreMrs. D. They are only laughing at you, Sir Sir F. How? Fretful; for it was but just now that
Sneer. Swear he wrote it. Dan. Mrs. Dangle! Ah, Sir Fretful, you Sir F. Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it know Mrs. Dangle. My friend Sneer was rally- ill.- I believe you want to take away my characing just now. He knows how she admires you, ter as an author! and
Sneer. Then I am sure you ought to be very Sir F. O Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more much obliged to me. taste and sincerity than to-A damned double Sir F. Hey !-sir !faced fellow!
[Aside. Dan. O you know, he never means what he Dan. Yes, yes, Sneer will jest; but a better says. bumoured
"Sir F. Sincerely then-you do like the piece? Sir F. O, I know
Sneer. Wonderfully! Dan. He has a ready turn for ridicule-his Sir F. But, come, now, there must be some wit costs bim nothing.
| thing that you think might be mended, hey! Sir F. No, egad-or I should wonder how he Mr. Dangle, has nothing struck you? came by it.
[Aside. Dun. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing Mrs. D. Because his jest is always at the ex- for the most part to pense of his friend.
Sir F. With most authors it is just so indeed; Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play they are in general strangely tenacious !-but, for to the managers yet?-or can I be of any service my part, I am never so well pleased as when a to you?
judicious critic points out any defect to me; for Sir F. No, no, I thank you ; I believe the what is the purpose of sbewing a work to a friend, piece had sufficient recommendation with it. if you don't niean to profit by his opinion? I thank you, though-I sent it to the manager Sneer. Very true. Why then, though I seriously of Covent Garden Theatre this morning. admire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one
Sneer. I should have thought now, that it small objection; which, if you'll give me leave, might have becn cast (as the actors call it) better i'll mention. at Drury Lane.
Sir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more. Sir F. O lud! no-never send a play there Sneer. I think it wants incident. while I live-barkye! [Whispers SNEER. Sir F. Good God! you surprise me !-wants
Sneer. Writes himself!-I know he does incident!
Sir F. I say nothing--I take away from no Sneer. Yes; I own I think the incidents are man's merit-I am hurt at no man's good fortune too few. -I say nothing but this I will say through Sir F. Good God! believe ine, Mr. Sneer, all my knowledge of life, I have observed, that there is no person for whose judgment I have a there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the more implicit deference; but I protest to you, human heart as envy!
Mr. Speer, I am only apprehensive that the inciSneer. I believe you have reason for what dents are too crowded. My dear Dangle, how you say, indeed.
does it strike you? Sir F. Besides, I can tell you it is not always Dan. Really I can't agree with my friend so safe to leave a play in the hands of those who Sneer. I think the plot quite sufficient; and write themselves.
the four first acts by many degrees the best I Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey, ever read or saw in my life. If I might venmy dear Plagiary?
ture to suggest any thing, it is, that the interest Sir F. Steal to be sure they may; and, rather falls off in the fifth. egad, serve your best thoughts as gypsies do Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir. stolen children, disfigure them, to make 'em pass
Dan. No; I don't, upon my word. for their own.
Sir F. Yes, yes, vou do, upon my soulit cer. Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to tainly don't fall off, I assure you—no, no Melpomene; and ne, you know, never
it don't fall off. Sir F. That's no security. A dexterous pla- Dan. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it giarist may do any thing. Why, sir, for aught I struck you in the same light? know, he might take out some of the best Mrs. D. No, icdeed, I did not-I did not things in my tragedy, and put them into his own see a fault in any part of the play from the becomedy.
ginning to the end. Sneer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. Sir F. Upon my soul, the women are the best
Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you judges after all! the least hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to Mrs. D. Or if I made any objection, I am take the merit of the whole.
sure it was to nothing in the piece; but that I Dan. If it succeeds,
I was afraid it was, on the whole, a little too long. Sir F. Aye; but with regard to this piece, Il Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to dura